Dear Meredith,

"Good job on your dissertation revisions. Here are 6 more things we would like you to change."
Love, 2 people
They were a lot sweeter than last time, however. Possibly due to my use of the ugly baby analogue. OK, this week. This is it.


For those of you who didn't get to see Ernie's Italian farewell cake, here it is.
I was trying to get done before he retired, but it didn't happen.
Congratulations, Pop!



Yes, it has been raining for 40 days and 40 nights, here. I am loving it. (Of course I do not love the flood damage done to homes). It is not that hot, and the yard looks awesome. Hoping to get to the mountains sometime in late July or early August.

Looking at taking a coaching job in the afternoons with coach Steve. It looks like I may get to teach swimming at UT, again. And keep training folks at the J. Meanwhile, have time to write these awesome manuscripts and at least that first chapter of the novel - Flora and Fauna in Northern New Mexico: [I am not sure what comes after the colon, yet, but something witty and philosophical].

BH=88 Me=87

Find out how long you are going to live.

personal deadline

I am setting my deadline to be done with my revisions for Friday. Hence, if you read lots of content on this thing this week, call me and tell me to get back to work. I am only allowing 1 email check per hour. And one house cleaning task per day. (Laundry doesn't count).

Kid Does His Vietnam Video Project using 70s Porn (and gets 97%)

This video was for one of his classes in school. All the voices, sound effects and editing are done by him, and the whole video was made using only a 70s porno [it's a clean video, though, safe for work]. Watch until credits, very funny and very creative.



read more | digg story

subscription

yes, you can now subscribe to the ol' blog. blogs are like assholes, everybody has one.
you can also click on the latest news from the NY Times. lucky you!
I recently read a quote by WH Auden, speaking of the rear end, and he said something along the lines of "everyone thinks their own farts smell good." how true, WH, how true.
I also think my own underarms and feet smell good. I guess it's adaptive. speaking of pheromones, something springy is in the air, because the birds and bees are calling me.

woke up early

woke up before my alarm this morning. it is raining lightly. I love getting up before the world does, and feel it is license to do something unproductive. been meaning to scan in some OLD photos. little did I know what a long, strange trip 1995 would be. looks like I am off to a great start. if I hadn't gone where I went, I would be where I am, now.new year's eve 1994 > 1995


not sure why, but we decided we needed hats

my birthday party 1994. dawn and lance


more bday party


kerstin and vivian the cat


seriously oldy. Rhett Miller 1987 at ISAS. we pretty much thought he was James Taylor or I don't know, Paul McCartney.


stew and mere at train station by Sarah Lawrence. stew was seriously tough, then.


dawn at Big Bend 1994


dawn and mere in Gauze. we made bread. tasted good, but did not rise.

there is a big, green blob of rain over us, right now. I am loving the rain, but it is not helping my agora-avoidance. I guess I should refrain from using the term agoraphobia.
got a little work done this weekend. a little napping. ran long yesterday by myself for the first time in a LONG time. Marie is out of town. I listened to NPR. I was EXTREMELY sweaty when I finished; it has been very humid. going to train clients this morning at 8, then start again at 2:45. hopefully 9 - 2:25 will be productive. just have to think about it one tiny step at a time. when I think about "finishing my dissertation," (for the second time) it is too overwhelming, and I feel like taking a nap.
been wearing my mbt shoes I got off ebay. they are neat. and I got them for a bargain.
I was going to swim outside at the J at 9, but with all this rain, I bet the water will be TOO COLD. I like my 81˙ at the TSC. in the fall I guess I will have to get someone to sponsor me so I can join rec sports. yes, I am rambling.

turn off npr

the other day I told Brad I was feeling agoraphobic. (and, I am sure it is not pathlogical, I just sometimes want to be inside and not out amongt 'em, as I like to say.) I am sure he knew what I meant and was just being difficult, but asked what agoraphobic was. that did not make me feel like sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings, so I said it was literally 'fear of the marketplace' - the agora. he said, well, you better turn off npr. why? because marketplace is coming on at 6:30. hilarious, Brad.

socializing

very proud of us for attending at least 20 minutes of the water polo party this evening. we played 4 square. that was about it. you could only hit the ball with one hand. of course.
must have sweat a lot today during our run because I chaffed like an idiot. we both took naps today. I think I have slept at least 12 hours in naps this week. the nap has called, and I have surrendered.

next time

just in case the Spirit of the Universe reads blogs, I would like to come back to earth sometime as:
a) a fast, powerful, male, possibly black, possibly gay, running back who plays 1A high school football (6 man?), then rockets to NCAA Division I success, NFL player for anyone except the Cowboys, and finishes up with a commentator job sitting next to Howie Long.
b) a tiny (under 5'5"), possibly Latina, agile, limber, classically trained professional dancer.
c) a child psychologist.
just wanted to let You know.

trying to do MANOVAs when they were T-tests all along. Ockham's RAZOR. duh!!!

HI

noticed someone from Honolulu looked at the ol' blog. I imagine it was Andrew, the Officer and Gentleman. yes, Brad and I have watched about an hour of the show this season. it is embarassing - for us and the participants.
while walking to my stats appt through the South Mall, I reminisced about making out with LG in the bushes. it was totally PG rated and funny. we just couldn't contain ourselves. and, as I may have mentioned before, in retrospect, it was the first time I became aware I might have problems with emotional intimacy. when he told me he loved me I felt totally freaked out and was not nearly as interested in him as I had been. hm.
it occurs to me when BH dances toward me that I still may have some of said issue, but I have definitely made progress. thank God!
had clients this morning. didn't get too much work done. a little.
ready for dinner!!!!

euphoric recall

I am watching my students go through the end of the year mating dances and thinking it looks like fun. a) it was not fun for me at the time b) it probably looks like more fun than it is, and c) I have a tendency to romanticize things. it's called euphoric recall. it is normal and human to do. and I don't act on it, so that is progress.
BH and I do need a romantic rendez-vous tout de suite, but I don't know what or when.

met with a stats person today. I learned you have to transform scores if distribution is skewed, and there are a bunch of transformations for a bunch of different distributions. interesting. I don't know if I had ever heard about that before. if I have, I don't remember.
now, I am back on a rewriting role. it is TEDIOUS to move and change my beautiful tables and figures. oh, well.

I listened to madamimadam the other day. I think it is a good record - the band, the arrangements, the songs, and the performances. the only thing I don't like are those crizazzy sound efx on broken keys. I didn't like those at the time. too cuckoo. but, other than that, I think it is good. I hadn't listened to it since it came out - SEVEN years ago. wow. time has flown.

there was an article in the Statesman today about foster kids. another prod.

yeah, no big deal

and, $1300 later we are graduating in the summer.
good thing I will be earning the big bucks to coach swim team....
yes, and my money laundering business. don corleone says he'll take good care of us.

we got 2 rose bushes yesterday, and 1 has 4 new blooms on it, already. guess it likes Park Avenue.

un more thing

I just got my new NIDA notes. This abstract is interesting and describes me perfectly (down to my rat brain and facial expressions!!!) FYI the nucleus accumbens is AKA the "pleasure center" of the brain. As far as I recall, it produces dopamine which acts on the VTA, which, in turn, sends signals to the prefrontal cortex. I.e. this activity/food/drug is fun, let's make our initial cognitive appraisal a positive one. Now, let's do it, again.

Drs. Susana Peciña and Kent Berridge of the University of Michigan have traced rats' liking for sweets to a 1-cubic millimeter site in the medial shell of the nucleus accumbens. Using fine-grained brain mapping, the researchers correlated mu-opioid activation of this area [by D-Ala²-N-Me-Phe⁴-Glycol⁵-enkephalin (DAMGO)] with the facial reactions rats exhibit upon receiving infusions of sweet tastes into the mouth. Enhancing mu-opioid activity in this hedonic "hot spot" produced two to four times the number of positive reactions (e.g., licking) to sucrose relative to other regions of the medial shell. Stimulating the hot spot with DAMGO also reduced the rats' negative reactions to a bitter taste by 25 percent. The findings suggest that opioid circuits in the medial shell involved in liking (e.g., positive facial expressions in reaction to a taste) and wanting (e.g., pressing a lever for a substance) are related but not identical, as activating mu-opioid circuits in widely distributed areas of the medial shell increased food intake.
The Journal of Neuroscience 25(50):11777-11786, 2005

finally, courage

After having 2 people's comments since Friday, I finally got the courage to look at them. OMG, it's things I need to leave out, and things I need to change the order of. I found 2 things I actually did WRONG. I can live with that. It is funny, I was dreading it, putting it off, cleaning the house, working in the yard, taking naps, moving my office home, rearranging my home office, thinking how terrible it will be, and it is not a big deal. Cutting and pasting and cutting.
My biceps are still sore from moving boxes on Friday. I still need to move at least a couple more boxes. Hopefully, I will have adapted to that training stimulus by then.
It is raining here and my favorite weather for hunkering down.
Only 2 more days of teaching swimming to college students. I imagine I will cry as I hate all change. I don't actually hate change, I just think I do. Ah, yes, Monsieur Hamlet. I did cry when I left Real to Reel, which I did hate. Weird. I think I also cried when I left Stream, which I also hated even more. Wow, stop the hate. Although, I can now see how the Universe was trying to tell me something...when you hate something, leave! Duh...only took me 6 years to really change. And here I am, parabolically close to finishing, and yet, talking to myself in cyberspace.
Hello, self. Get to work.

ugly baby

being told that I needed to revise my diss is pretty much equal to being told my baby is ugly. I was thinking though, in my dept they say, "your baby is ugly, but we love you." in the other half of my dept they say, "your baby is ugly, and by the way we are selling your baby into slavery." I can see that I did focus on each tree and each nuance of each leaf and didn't describe the forest in general. this does not seem like an egregious error and can be fixed. I can see where I was wrong, but I also think it is a style issue and not an empirical one. as BH said, do whatever they want and don't think about it as an attack. such good and sweet advice.
enjoyed "partying" with Lana and Ernie. we went to Whole Foods last night and Austin Java today. yummmmy. they are cool.
moved most of my office home today. we'll see how that goes. I want a desk and chair from IKEA. to put where, I don't know.

abort

not doing my defense tomorrow as planned. BH has been extremely sweet even before the last- minute postponement. I do not want to be victimized by the thing and realize everyone has these obstacles, some placed sooner rather than later on this path.
yesterday BH said we needed to change our addresses. to what? dr and mr h. so cute.
today, he helped me get very zen about the whole thing. that's neat. I am not going to deny that I am irritated, but, as I said I realize this happens to everyone at some point.
my parents decided to come down anyway. my dad said to "party." that was a good one.
going to be reformatting some things this weekend. I think the main problem was they skimmed it last night, didn't look at the update I sent them, and whatever. I will graduate this summer, and that is not a big deal. I feel a little like I have had a miscarriage and have to tell everyone because I told EVERYONE that I was pregnant. I know it is not even in the same universe as that kind of problem. ohm.

job or not job

"it is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. that often makes the difference between failure and sucess.... job or no job- wife or no wife - we simply do not do _____ [whatever it is] so long as we place dependence on other people ahead of dependence on God. burn the idea into the consciousness of every man he can get well regardless of anyone. the only condition is that he trust in God and clean house."
the other one I have been thinking about is, "taking a trip, not taking a trip."
getting REALLY existential. subconsciously freaking out. consciously calm and peaceful. I feel certain on a deep level that if I do the footwork, everything will work out. I also quantified in my mind what I want: to find a job that I feel proud to do, that allows me to make enough money to support my family, that allows us to give money and time away. I know this is what I will find. I don't think God micromanages the job market in Austin, but I also do not think I got here to be dumped into miserable, spiritual self-sufficiency. I don't know why or how God helped me, but I do know that I would not be here were it not for a Power greater than I. it was not working doing it my way. I tried. A LOT.
I am trying to find the balance between acknowledging my unconscious freak-out without dwelling on it. without beating myself up for freaking out, while not denying that I am.
teaching for 4 hours today was exactly what I did not feel like doing, but did make me feel better.
yeah, the pms doesn't help, either. I guess it comes down to mary and isn't that interesting...

No duh

News flash

#1 song in US as illustrated in Venn Diagrams

Mims is hot

Easter according to Bill Hicks

"They [Australians] celebrate Easter the exact same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer? As long as you're making shit up, you know, go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations. [in faux Australian accent] 'Mummy, today I found a Lincoln log in me sock drawer.' 'That's the story of Jesus!'"

Beyonce Deux

Too Much Beyonce?
Video sent by apartment3b

I am I am I am

je pense donc, je suis. cogito ergo sum. cogito ergo nutso.
not really, but as I mentioned, I begin to think when I have fewer things to do.
I worked on my ppt a little today, but not much. BH and I watched a season 5 episode of QAF which I have been saving until I finished my diss. it was not very good because there was not very much making out.
it is cold and rainy here. it is pretty awesome. cold and rainy = cool, dry and sunny = my favorite weather of all time.
Marie and I are supposed to run in the morning. I am predicting 50% chance of not running.
Monday is still Passover, so I am VERY excited to not go to the J and to go to school. I am also looking forward to beginning writing some journal submissions with which to occupy my mind.
nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. oh, crazy Hamlet.
the other day I remember we had to memorize the Concord Hymn in middle school. yeah, don't remember that one. it's good. haha
http://www.emersoncentral.com/poems/concordhymn.htm

bad brain

I made the copies off my diss and gave them to my committee members on Monday. Since then, I have been working on my ppt. I keep thinking of things to add to the diss. Little things, but still, things. Meanwhile, completely out of the blue, I have developed a new crush. It is not nearly as annoying as the one I had last spring, but nonetheless, it is a crush on someone other than Brad. As usual, I do not ever consider listening to my mind, much less acting on it. It is amusing that as soon as my brain gets a reprieve from thinking about the diss, it betrays me by developing a crush. I guess it is telling me we need to have some fun. BH have a BH and MH day planned on Sunday. BH told me, however, it would not happen, because I would probably fall asleep. Surely, I will not sleep for the entire day. It has been known to happen, however.
Interestingly. Just kidding. I did not use that word in my diss. But, I feel like I am still writing everything in sentences that flow together and not in my usual, non sequitur style.
I swam 20x100 IM's the other day. We had to leave Steve's due to lightening. I had gotten in 1950 m, then I went to GRE. I started swimming 100 IM's after rewarming up. I just kept doing them. It was neat. Not very fast, but not very much rest.
GRE is a neat space, but a splashy pool.
Today I played music during my GRE classes. It made it a LOT more fun for me. Although, people did not recognize such bands as THE ROLLING STONES, the sex pistols, ok, and someone said they hated a White Stripes song. I told him I would probably have to drown him for that.
Not going to school to work tomorrow due to TX Relays. Going to try to sit home and work. We'll see. Brad is off for Good Friday. Brad had never heard of Maundy Thursday.
I tried to keep kosher for Passover, but screwed up before it started when I ate matzah on Sunday. You don't start eating matzah until the first night. Duh, but too late.
I had several matzah PB&J's. They were good.
I want to download some Bad Brains. My friend from HS with the good vocab reminded me of them. I have already revisited Minor Threat, but I used to love the Bad Brains. The kid I have a crush on looks reminds me of Dave Breihan. Hm....

phud

I sell our old books and cds on amazon. some dorkus ordered a book and put PhD after his name for the address to which he wanted the book sent. I am sensing a forthcoming existential dilemna much like the one I experienced post IM #1. but, I hope I can maintain a sense of humility that all it means is that I wrote a really long paper that not very many people are interested in, I took a bunch of graduate classes, I worked for little money teaching undergraduates, and I have an awesome husband and family who supported me through the thing. it does not mean I am any smarter than anybody else, of which I am reminded when I talk with my old private school classmates. I have to look up words they use in emails to me. eschew. I am going to start using that one if I can think of a good context. I eschew staying up late despite the change in daylight. I eschew walmarts. I eschew mud.

pretty tables

I just wanted to take a break from sitting at the computer all morning to report that I am done with my results section, and my tables are really cool.
I even took the day off exercise. whoa.
#3 is we saw a really good documentary on pbs on wednesday - last best hope. it was pretty incredible. I highly recommend it.

done and done

Did my pres this am. Not too many folks there, but it was good practice for me.
Got back to my hotel and enjoyed some cable TV - The New World was on. Collin Farrell is hot, FYI. Especially when he gets in the pool with his clothes on. Back to capital city EARLY in the morning. And it's really going to be an hour earlier with daylight sucky time. And here is a cute one of BH and MH. Cute, but not hot.

the streets of Baltimore

can't get the song out of my head.

I sold the farm to take my woman where she longed to be.
we left our kin and all ours friends back there in Tennessee.
I got those one-way tickets she had always begged me for.
and she dragged me through the streets of Baltimore.

it's a cool town. right by Towson where Michael Phelps is from.
my shuttle driver's son knows him because his son is friends with him.
it is supposed to get cold here tonight.
I can't imagine anyone is going to go to my 7:30 am presentation.
it will be a good dress rehearsal.
there are tons of PE teacher-looking types. mullets, track suits, and a little bit overweight.
that's at the conference. the city is full of smokers. I am surprised by that.
I walked over to a deli after I checked in. Attman's. There were white, Jewish people there, black people, and white, gentile me. it was a good sandwich.

at least it's dark out

in case I haven't given you my tirade, I don't care for daylight savings time. tonight, it is raining, which is awesome, so I think I can make it to bed early. a)DST makes it hard to get up early like decent, working folks do, b)DST makes it hard to go to bed early so that decent folks can get some sleep, c)DST does NOT save energy. the extra daylight, in fact, tends to make people use MORE energy driving around doing stuff and watching more tv and that kind of thing. d)there are few decent things I have done after 9 pm. maybe written a song back in the day, but it was well after dark and not affected by DST. e)someday, Arizona, baby.

feeling..., again

Just thinking that I feel better at 35, really than I ever have, physically, mentally. Maybe I have had more spiritual times, but I do feel a sense of peace that I know Is.
Found an old friend, and was thinking about how many lifetimes I have lived.
I have found a few, lately.
For the first time in teaching swimming for 4 years, I demonstrated fly. That was cool.
I am trying to enjoy minutes rather than get through them, and I have some moments.
We have hyacinths blooming in the backyard. This morning I ran some fast 800's, and I thought I was going to pee and throw up at the same time. I didn't know I could run that fast.
I did not think this is where or who I would be 15 years ago. Thank God I do not always get what I want.

mammogram + 5 minutes

Turned 35 on Thursday. Now, it's time for a mammogram, and I get 5 extra minutes to qualify for Boston. Not that I need the 5 minutes!!!
In news, I am ALMOST done with my ppt for AAHPERD. I have been almost done for at least a week, but I keep adding things and trying to get one more stat to run.
As soon as I fininsh, I will refocus on the diss.
I have been making my relaxation day Sunday, but I decided to switch today. I don't feel like sitting in front of the computer. So, I thought I would update my blog.
Hyacinths are blooming. Red buds are budding. Tim is coming for a week. But, alas, I don't think we will see much of him because he will be with his lady.
Enjoying the cold nights, cool days, and low dew points.
Still in love with Jack White and the White Stripes.
Going to Dallas next weekend, then up to Baltimore the next. Awesome.

State of the Union Highlight

"Madame Speaker,"

sunny!

interesting weekend. begun Friday night with a power outage on our block that started at 7pm and ended sometime in the middle of the night. (we are guessing around 11). yesterday, I had a big day running with Marie, getting my allergy shot, and spending 8 hours in a room with my graduate student cohort taking a qualitative software training. it was actually very good. the software is expensive, though. and, I don't have any qualitative data right now. today, the sun is up, and the sky is clear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think BH was having MI flashbacks. hopefully, he will be able to get out and enjoy riding outside. I am off to teach spinning at the J. haven't been up there since last Sunday because it was closed M, Tu, W last week.

Adult onset, then teenagers, then kids, and now cats. At least, being a health educator, I can help the cats with type II diabetes. Apparently, getting more physical activity and decreasing serving sizes aren't enough.

UT, AISD, JCAA closed

Tuesday, January 16, 2007 - UT, JCAA, AISD closed all day.
It's not supposed to clear off until Thursday late morning....

ice ice, baby

oh, you knew it was coming. supposed to be iced in until Thursday morning. J was closed today. haven't heard about UT or J tomorrow, but I can't imagine they will open. if there is water coming out of the sky and below 32, I will not be leaving the house. however, bummer is I was trying to work on my diss, and this software I need to use on the UT server is not working. booooooooo.
we rented 3 movies on Sunday and haven't watched one. covered the tropicals in the backyard. just walked to 7-eleven so BH could get a money order for an eBay purchase. it was freezing, but not too icy. BH and I are enjoying being snowed in.

well

I did remember another non-guitar player bf. SL from DC, a musician nontheless. extremely charismatic and won't add me as his myspace friend. bugs me. also a drummer, well, 3. wow. ok. memory lane is a long walk.
I guess my new year's resolution should be to practice taking no for an answer. afterall, it is a pet peeve of mine when people don't take no for an answer from me. what's good for the gander is good for the goose. I think I am the goose, right? my other resolution was to practice not being perfect and to let other people also not be perfect. because, of course, no one is, and my imperfect definition of what perfect is is wrong for me and is indubitably wrong for everyone else.
I can't remember if it was last year or the year before, but one good resolution was "you can't take it with you." consequently, I have made progress in getting rid of things I don't use. and even made some progress in not buying things I don't need. maybe before I hit 40 I will get it down. oops, trying to be perfect. it's going to be a long year, I guess.
the other resolution I think about a lot is to be present and enjoy the moment. I find myself sitting in the anxiety of tomorrow a lot. and waking up wanting to get today over with. ironically, I have created a life I like. yet, I often realize I am trying to get things I want to do over with. how silly. the progress is I don't often sit in the regret of the past. I see how my experience can benefit others. I suppose I do regret what happened with SL which is a reason the situation is hard to mentally let go of. the other progress is that, at 11 years without a drink, I only bother cyberspace with my mental obsessions. oooo, the Chelsea Hotel, Ezra Brooks, and a calling card - a painful combination.

I stand corrected. SL does play guitar, and we are now myspace friends. I am happy about this in a strange and anti-climactic sort of way. I would also like to play with fire, but I know this means heartache for all.

every girl likes a guitar player

of course I love BH for many reasons, but one is that I am glad he is not a guitar player. they are intoxicating and mercurial. and the reason a guitar player is awesome is because he practices a lot, plays out a lot. additionally, all the girls throw themselves at him. although guitar players seem like they would be great to be friends with, you are second fiddle to the body of solid wood. I know this because with the exception of BH and 1 other, every boyfriend I have ever had was a guitar player. at any rate, I just saw the raconteurs on austin city limits. am now obsessed with jack white. I hadn't heard or seen him play before last night. he is very charismatic. I now want to own every album he has ever played on. did you know he produced loretta lynn's last album? and, he is from MICHIGAN! the other side, however, Detroit.

played, myself at the allgood café last night. was disappointed I didn't have much of a turn out. this summer I would say I had a good-sized crowd. I entertained myself by playing covers I like including a new one - you're a big girl, now.

starting to freak-out about the semester starting. it always works out, and there is absolutely no reason to freak-out. I think my anxiety is sustained by the fact that I hope this is my last semester and can I really get it done?????????????

tried to swim this morning at the Landry center. didn't feel like doing ANYTHING, but I stayed in for 2400m. don't know what my deal is. headed back to Austin tomorrow afternoon.

amateur night

Be careful if you go anywhere on the road between today and tomorrow morning - the amateurs will be out.
I have done quite a bit of emotion-focused coping this week regarding school. I am going to be the PhD with the most organized bathroom, closets, and possibly the cleanest house. I am in a cleaning out mood. I threw away a bunch of expired tylenol, etc from the bathroom cabinet yesterday. fascinating.
I am going exercising with Marie this morning, then I plan to spend the next 2 days finishing my stats. I was telling Brad - I have taken several stats classes, but only in the last one did we use the computer to do the calculations. I did value learning the concepts and why and when to use what. However, now that it is crunch time, I only want to know how to get the computer to do what I want. Terminology differs, etc.
Aunt Barbara sent us a Christmas cactus. It's going nuts.

feisty exchange?

AP headline says Saddam had "feisty exchange" at gallows. Don't you think we all would be "feisty" before being hanged? What did they expect him to do? He is likely insane. He was likely a terrible person who tortured and murdered 100's of people. I have so many problems with the outcome of his trial, however. And I still do not think we, as civilized people, should a)kill him b)hang him or c)put the damned execution on tv. I saw a little of 20/20 last night, and they had already named the event, "death of a dictator." That really makes me want to puke. But, I cannot believe that we in the United States of America have the death penalty. We are no better than Medieval Europe. Or than some other countries in the world we would label "backwards."

Been working on my data. Good and bad news. A little confused as to what to do. Applied for a job at DSHS. Pretty pessimistic, but also just going to put one foot in front of the other.

Enjoyed TH's visit. As BH and I walked home from dinner, I said TH brings a different energy to our house - in a good way. BH and I are both quiet, and TH is quiet, too, but still another person to interact with is pleasant. And TH makes the place better than when he arrived, an extra. Who wouldn't love that? Another pro for kids. I could not stop myself from trying to persuade him to move here when he is done with school.

Going to try to continue to put my nose to the grindstone for the next week.

back in black

going tomorrow to pick up my 11 year chip. this is a good time for me to go to a meeting because the twins are driving me up the wall with I don't knows and I don't cares. I know it is my problem and not theirs. my part is going to the hardware store for bread for the 10000th time. progress, not perfection.
having a nice time for the most part. got some work done on my diss. unfortunately for me, the sample is very low on ATOD use. good for the school district. although, I suspect there was some underreporting. boo.
this time 11 years ago I was on my way to a meeting. made a bad pit stop and ended up having a terrible night. so terrible that I had a moment of clarity. it always pleases me to hear that amazing things happen from terrible things.
I don't believe God micromanages every aspect of everyone's life 100% of the time, but I believe God was micromanaging my life that night. and I don't know why I received the Gift, but I am grateful I did.

in the sangre de christos (cristos)

excited because I swam my fastest 100 m free time yesterday in Santa Fe - 1:26 during a set of many, and I did it a couple of times. this is almost exactly the same as my freaky fastest 100 yd free time of 1:17 I did during the summer of love with JH and MD.
having a good time enjoying snow, getting up early, eating awesome food, and exercising. tomorrow morning I am going to get up a 4 am so I can go to the gym I like where the people are the ultimate hippies. last year I overheard a conversation in which the gym regulars were lamenting about using energy to "heat their wooden boxes", i.e. use gas to heat their houses. Brad and these folks are definite earth ship inhabitants. tomorrow we are off to Red River. no internets, but I am hoping to get some skiing in. I used to LOVE to ski. I went 2-3 times a year every winter. maybe now that I am not giving my money to IMNA, we can go again, sometime. there are few physical feelings sweeter than carving a beautiful S curve or hopping down moguls without falling down. sex, swimming fast for me, ok cuddling, soft blanket naps in the winter. those are about equal in pleasure. some high sensation seeking, some extremely low.

long time no write

1. Opposition to Walmart building at Northcross Mall.
Brad and I attended a meeting with 400 of our neighbors last night who concur.
Here is a letter you can send to Austin City Council authored by Brad. Impressive.

I am writing to voice my opposition to the proposed urban Walmart on the site of the current Northcross mall. As a ten-year resident of Austin, I support responsible, neighborhood-friendly growth at Northcross and throughout Austin. I appreciate all the work the mayor and the city council has done in recent years to foster quality development. The revitalization of downtown, the Mueller redevelopment, the Huntsman site, the Triangle development, and planned high density, transit-oriented sites are just a few examples of recent high-quality development that have enhanced the quality of life in Austin. The proposed 220,000 square foot urban Walmart, however, is incompatible with the shared vision Austinites have for their city

The proposed Northcross Walmart Supercenter would be the second largest development in central Texas. Only Ikea is larger. Ikea is located on I-35 on the outskirts of a suburban community. The proposed Northcross Walmart would be located in a semi-dense urban neighborhood unsuited for retail development of this scale. I understand Lincoln Properties’ site plan predicts no increase in local traffic while an independent analysis predicts a tripling of local traffic. This is absurd. On this basis alone, the development should be halted.

Austinties oppose Walmart because Walmart is bad for our neighborhood and bad for our world. Walmart has a long, documented history of:
- increasing local crime
- harming local businesses
- decreasing surround property values
- increasing traffic congestion
- reducing local employment
- suppressing local wages
- increasing dependence on city and state government services
- polluting
- illegally employing children
- destroying the middle class
- enabling the exploitation of the poor around the world

Please confirm that you will direct the city manager to suspend approval of the Northcross mall site plan.

More info at http://www.responsiblegrowthfornorthcross.org/blog/

2. Intramural meet was a success. Swim meet participants = high sensation seekers! The whole thing was very exciting. You wait for your event. You watch the other events. Your event = extremely exciting. It was a psychological victory, if nothing else. I did go 39 high for 50 breast which got me 5th place out of 10-11 20 year olds!

3. Stacy and Steve's wedding this weekend. It is going to be a romantic weekend getaway for us. I am looking forward to it. Our Thanksgiving 5 day vacation was also extremely pleasant and relaxing.
I am sure it is I who is less anxious or something, but as a couple, we are doing very well. It seems to me we are both trying hard.

4. Texas Invitational Swim meet continues this evening. If I am not too tired, I am going to go.

5. Coach Steve cancelled this morning's practice. I am going to ride my bike inside.

because 6. it's cold outside!!!

intra mural

don't call it intermural, please.
I am headed to the J, then am MAKING myself attend and participate in the intramural swim meet. 50 breast. this is the only event I speculate I will not lose by a lot.
my goal is not to come in last. I went off a starting block 3x yesterday for the first time in my life. all were successes. self-efficacy for going off starting block is high. I hope this will be a healing psychological experience as my first and only other swim meet experience was around age 9 or 10 and was unsuccessful. it was at SMU in the indoor pool. 3 things clenched my non-participation: starting gun, deep water, and starting block.
finished revising my proposal today. that was an early Christmas miracle. I had been making remarkably little progress really ever since the grant debacle.
now, on to the data!!!

flu=boo

I have diagnosed Brad with the flu. He had sudden onset of achy-ness and fever. He has been at home in bed all day. He won't take any vitamin C or fever reducer. I suppose fever is adaptive if one can stand the discomfort, but he is clearly in much discomfort. It is sad. I, selfishly, hope he has the flu for which I have been inoculated. I have had a flu shot for the past at least 10 years, so surely he has one of those. He clearly has the superior immune system, however, because he hardly ever gets sick. Apparently, this is one of the reasons I was initially attracted to him, and he to me, that we have very different immune systems, making for our super-Aryan babies. FREAKY. I read that in Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendricks. That is an awesome book BTW. That being the part about the immune systems, not about the blonde-haired, blue-eyed breeding. Or possibly it was in How to be an Adult in Relationships or The Truth about Love. I am the only one of us who reads these books, however, I will take more than half the responsibility for our lack of communication skills. Well, sometimes. I have had lots of group therapy and regular therapy to learn the "language of feelings." But, the problem when one of you speaks French and the other speaks Japanese is obvious. Anyway, whoa, extreme tangent. But, I suppose I generally go from one non-sequitur to the next, don't I? ADD.
I have decided to sleep on the sofa. I wonder how it will go.
I had thought about, entertained the idea of, swimming 50 breast in the intramural meet. The best time I can remember off the wall in the short-course meter pool is 51. That is one of many, and not rested or anything. 2 week taper, right? haha This seems relatively fast to me. However, in converting to short-course yards, that would put me at around 45, which would put me in 15th place in 2004 (out of 15!) That seems extremely slow to me. I don't think I want to lose by that much. Additionally, I have never done a start off a starting block. I should take some courage from my former student who entered himself in 3 events, never having done a start, period, off the block or otherwise, including the 200 free. He thought he had come in 3rd or so, but instead, had lost count and had only swum 150 yards. After a lengthy conversation with the lane judge, he finished the last 50 at least a minute behind the last finisher. That was very brave. It is my last year of eligibility...

black celebration

bh and I received our first used, retro cd purchase. I have already imported it to his itunes and put it back for sale on amazon. it was one I wanted - depeche mode - black celebration. I was listening to this album over 20 years ago. that is freaky. I suppose it gets freakier the longer one hangs around. I listened to the tape on my sony walkman about 100 times while riding with gary, judy, and cynthia coffman all over Germany. depeche mode are, of course, english. so, when I started singing, coupled with the fact that rhett miller sang with an english accent, I assumed one was supposed to sing using an english accent. in particular, when I sang depeche mode 'somebody' at the talent show in 9th grade, wearing a homemade tie-dyed tee shirt, my blue ten-hole doctor martens, a jean mini-skirt, and my egalitarian skinhead haircut, I sang it with an English accent. and one more thing, I played my classical guitar and finger-picked it using the Travis pattern.
I ran this morning long by myself for the first time in a long time. I listened to the end of morning edition and car talk. that was amusing.
I swam a lot yesterday. 6000 meters. I am an addict. more more more.
happy to see the signs for ba ba ba barbara ann radnofski and ted ankrum all through Brikerwoods, Tarrytown, and Pemberton Heights. the rich folks in Austin are Democrats.
someone needs to let barbara ann know, however, that the beach boys song the announcer refers to in her commercial is not BAR BAR BAR BAR BARBARA ann. it's ba. ba ba ba ba barbr ann. fyi.

force of good

bh and I had a very interesting discussion last night about the state of the world. interesting that my dad recently tried to convince me of the same thing. we decided that essentially good does triumph over evil, and that the world is progressing to a more and more enlightened and peaceful state. there are however, regressions towards evil such as the dark ages, the crusades, Hitler, Islamists, many more, I am sure. we agreed that women's rights took approximately 1000 years, black rights took 100-300 years, give or take your region, so certainly gay rights will not take even that long. the stonewall riots were in the late 1960's. it is no longer a social taboo to be gay. there are certainly hate crimes based on sexual orientation, but these have fortunately become fewer and farther between, and there is federal and state level legislation set up to prosecute those crimes.
I posited that all change is catapulted by crisis, much as internal, individual change is. bh said maybe gay rights won't even take a crisis. most young people favor gay marriage and think it is really stupid to legislate oppression.
I think that I do become sad and angry about things that happen in the world. recently, some mf arsonist started that fire in CA. firefighters dead. incredibly sad. many sad events.
however, I think I am so self-centered that any unhappiness or depression I feel is merely from self-absorption, and not from feeling sad about the state of the world. I think feelings about the state of the world are a necessary burden that engage people to take action to change things. I can see that change is a very constructive use of anger and disgust. I think the only reason I have ever changed anything was due to a crisis on some level.
meanwhile, I am trying to walk in the correct direction and do the next right thing.
I waited in line to check out at HEB for a good 15 minutes. I had great victory over impatience and read People. I didn't know Jen and Vince were on the outs.

bonding

bh and I are bonding over the music of our youth. he downloaded a smiths album we have been listening to over and over. if we keep it up, however, we might reach clinical depression. ...let me let me get what I want, lord knows it would be the first time...
I also got out my records. it was cool to see them. we bought a little turntable to make mp3's from. very cool. sex pistols, depeche mode, violent femmes, the clash here we come.
I heard a musician interviewed the other day who mentioned that as music listeners we no longer have the visual stimuli records provided. she put pictures of herself dressed up in sexy outfits from the 1950's to address that void. still, cd pics are not nearly as cool as a big, fold-out record with all the liner notes, etc.
when cds came along, I never thought records would leave.
I was trying to remember college without a computer.
how did anyone ever write a dissertation??? they must have had 10-20 references instead of 100.
I am waitng on data from one more school. cannot make myself revise my actual proposal to reflect the changes. it's painful. I know I need to, I want to, I sit down, open it up, look at it, think about it, can't do it. tomorrow....
clients this afternoon 4-7, so I am going home for lunch, etc. yes, it's 1:20.

Chris Bell for Texas Governnor!

I am early voting for Chris Bell ASAP. He is eloquent, intelligent, and knows about state governmental processes. He is also pro-choice, anti-school voucher, pro-alternative energy. He is against gay marriage. Boo.
All the candidates are, however. I voted for him anyway and will bombard him with correspondence when he is elected.
#2 Civil rights and desegregation were once thought of as liberal ideas. I am now calling myself a moderate because the first step in making justice restorative, education effective, using stem cell research, gay marriage, alternative energy, women's rights, etc, etc, etc normative is viewing them as such.
This week, however, at the suggestion of dad, I am not listening to NPR.

don't feel like it

I don't feel like doing ANYTHING which is good because Marie called at 6:15 to tell me she was too tired to run. I was 10% bummed/90% relieved. I don't have clients until 12:30 due to Sukkot. therefore I went back to sleep until 8:30 am! I know, I have really turned back into a teenager. swam at gre yesterday morning with some friends who are former swim students. then, we ate bagels. it was fun. girl time. I walked/ran at Town Lake on Thursday with another new gf. I never want to go before I go, but I am always glad during and after that I went. my mom and I talked about this the other day. I almost never want to begin an activity, particularly social ones, but once I get there, I am glad I did. very weird that experience cannot change that thinking.
BH and I went on a fun top-secret mission yesterday. not yet accomplished, but making headway. we also went by to pick up his refurbished bike he built that he needed some help putting the chain on. it's neat. he spent a lot of time sanding it and putting it together. it had been sitting outside up against the fence for over a year. it was inspiring.
this week will be pretty short because I am headed to big D to visit the family and go to the fair on Thursday. it is my one fried food/year. corny dog! I don't think I am going for a caramel apple this year. I like them, but the last one I got was not very good. the ones at senor murpy's in sante fe are the best caramel apples of all time.
I didn't enjoy watching most of the game yesterday. as I mentioned watching the tech/a&m game, it is easier to want texas' rivals to lose than it is to watch texas try to win. the second half was more pleasurable. ga. that was a lot of interceptions. brad came up with the hypothesis that the reason why people immediately focus on the next game or championship, instead of resting on the laurels of today's accomplishments, is that they, too feel anxious during the game, that there may not be victory. that is my #2 pet peeve about sports commentators. my #1 is that football coaches, players, and commentators rarely use the word, "ball;" they almost always say, "football." no shit it's a football; we are watching a football game. just call it a ball. we know what kind of ball it is. ga.
we also went to HEB during the first part of the game. it was interesting to see who was there - the punk rock kids, women, and many more black people than one normally sees at that HEB. that HEB is dominated by students of all colors, Latino families, and very few black people. we overheard a conversation that reminded me of a story Steve told me when he worked at a Pawn shop.
A young woman came in to the Pawn shop and was looking at rings. she looked for a long time and said, incredulously, "ain't you got no rings without no diamonds?" Steve thought about it for a minute, and then said, "yes ma'am, that is correct."

avoidance

sick of tweaking my proposal.
went to steve's this morning. I kind of like not being chaffeur because I can stay as long as I want. water temp was PERFECT.
WU 200 Fr, 200 K, 400 Pu
6x50 Dr/Sw (Fly, Bk, Br) 2x on 1:10
6x50 EZ/fast Fr on 1:10

3x(3x50 desc 1-3 Fly, Bk, Br. 3 is all out and time it.) all on :15R
my Br was the fastest. FREAKY. I think I was about to cardiac arrest after 50 all-out fly at the end of 3 with :15R
each 3x50 followed by 300 EZ Fr. the slowest 300's of all time.

40x50 K
1-16=every 4th fast on :60
1-12=every 3rd fast on 1:05 on Bk
1-8=every other fast on 1:05
1-4=all fast on 1:05

CD 250 mix
back up to 5000 m. neat.

got a flu shot yesterday. not sore, really. was SUPER sleepy yesterday afternoon. could be unrelated. my eye is twitching indicating I am tired. I am going to veg tomorrow while I thoroughly enjoy watching the TXOU game.
going to seminar this afternoon. REALLY don't want to.
Brad REALLY didn't want to go to work today because everyone was complaining. I can relate. met with my 7 year old on Wednesday. it is cool. it is also cool not to have one with me all the time.

way to go, Tech

I have to say I enjoy seeing Texas' rivals losing much more than I enjoy watching Texas play. watching Texas play is too tense because I want them to win. unfortunately, vaguely hoping someone will lose is not very tense, but just pure fun. and, while my late Grandfather and second cousin are A&M alums, A&M is simply a huge rival of Texas, and I am a 3x tea sipper. additionally, we do have several Tech alums. Tech was awesome against A&M. Robert Johnson scored 3 TD's. whooo knew. I read on wikipedia all about football and various positions while watching the game. this, after 25 years or so of trying to enjoy and watch football. picking the dolphins as my team because I like dolphins, and I have always disliked the cowboys for some reason. all the men in my life, God bless them, have failed to give me adequate information regarding the rules, the positions played, and body types and sizes best-suited for each position. the Tech players also happen to have awesome arms. similar to the awesomeness of David Robinson's arms. however, *David Robinson, the admiral, does have the best arms of all time (including deltoids)*.
the Texas game is not on tv. boo. maybe I can watch OU or Arkansas lose this evening.... watching OU lose to Oregon was totally awesome, as I think I mentioned.
so there are offensive linemen, defensive linemen, defensive linebackers. running backs line up behind the quarterback or next to him, and they get the ball handed to them and they run. I got the running part, but I never got the difference between them and the wide receiver. he is often called a FL which I forget what that stands for, but there can be mulitple wide receivers. they usually line up to the right of the quarterback. this makes so much sense. the rest of the offensive line cannot catch or take the ball. they are just supposed to protect the QB and make room for the running backs to run through. very interesting!!!
I urge you men, who know the rules of football, to take a woman, eager to learn, under your wing and explain these eccentricities to her. don't let her waste years puzzling over your excitement about incorrect calls, offsides, penalty flaga, etc.
geez, I wish I had gotten an LASP this semester.

happy bday, bh!

swam this morning at lost creek for the first time probably in a month. between marie being sick, my getting sick, my being sleepy, and my being afraid of cold water, I don't think we have gone since August. #1 my flip turns gets messed up when I go from 25 yd to 25 m and back, again. #2 there is no way I ever swim as fast by myself as I do when steve tells us what to do.
WU 400 swim, 300 kick, 300 pull
6x50 1-3 EZ/build, 4-6 EZ fast on 1:10
8x200 1-4 100 FR fast, 100 BK/Fly x 25's. OUCH. 5-8 100 FR fast, 100 IM. OUCH. I did them all on 4:30.
3x(2x100 kick on 1:40, 2x100 FR on 2:00) all with fins. yeah, except marie kills me because she can kick faster than I can.
CD 200 EZ
=4300 m. arms = tired.

sinuses felt better after swimming, but I have been poking my face for the rest of the day. ouch. they are stuffy and achey. dr. eskew told me to use afrin for 3 days. it feels so good to use it. you are not supposed to use it for more than 3 days in a row. it is addictive. and lord knows, I can get addicted to anything.

boo reaucracy

don't worry about your tax dollars being wasted on academic research. I imagine there will be no competition for this dissertation research grant because it is such a complicated process to submit the grant. you need a Ph.D in bureaucratic run-around to know how to submit the thing. I am really frustrated and needed to take a venting break, but I didn't want to actually call anyone and talk on the phone or email because I realize this is a luxury problem. I would really like to cry, however.
I visited my mentee yesterday. she is 7. I was impressed with the school. it is clean, small classes, students' art on the walls. I am hoping this endeavor will help keep me in today and in gratitude. I realize it is supposed to be helping her by my imparting some wisdom or guidance or something. I imagine it is just my undivided attention that will be the most useful to her. even if I answered in chinese.
in other complaints, my sinuses still hurt. it's sad. I did sterilize some water to resume my neti pot. I put a 1/4 teaspoon of salt for 2 cups water. this didn't burn or anything so I am guessing is dilute enough.

crazy

think I might possibly go crazy. made my 5 copies of my grant and 5 colated sets of appendices to take over to the office where they sign and send them. I have been in communication with them for several months. turns out in May, probably seconds after I downloaded the ms word docs, they posted new forms. the forms are identical to the old ones except that in the footer they have an unpdated date. therefore, I may have to make 5 more sets of colated copies and appendices and take them over on Thursday. it's due Oct. 1, so it's not down to the wire. good.
in other bad news, I think I have a sinus infection. I have been irrigating with sterile saline, but now I am out. I was keeping ahead of the ragweed, etc, but I guess I am now behind. fortunately, I had a full stash of antibiotics from last spring, so I started those this afternoon.
I can't find any medical professional who will confirm or deny that the saline needs to be sterile. several docs over the years have told me to snort water in the shower up my nose. it seems this would be extremely unsterile. I called the UT nurse helpline and she had never heard of any type of sinus lavage. what the who.
I was using this wound wash stuff that was sterile saline in a can, but it is kind of expensive. I thought about using contact saline because it is sterile, but I read on the internets that it may contain preservatives that irritate the sinuses.
I welcome your medical advice.

L'Shanah Tovah!

I am looking forward to the High Holy Days this year because they fall over a Saturday/Sunday coincidentally. I def need a break from the spinning classes after last week. I think I did make progress last week, because I only obsessed about the other instructor and one annoying participant for less than 24 hours. oy vey, progress, not perfection.
I was just looking up the spelling for happy new year in Hebrew, and I found a site that has expressions for Jewish holidays. "have an easy fast" is the appropriate greeting to someone on Yom Kippur. it said, "don't wish someone happy Yom Kippur. it's not a happy holiday." I thought that was kind of funny. instructions for gentiles. don't wish someone happy day of atonement.

allergies = extreme boo. don't feel like working on my proposal. ears stuffy. head stuffy. rag weed = boo!
5 minute rule. Brad is out riding, of course. I have no idea where my discipline went that used to get me out EVERY Saturday morning to ride for 4-6 hours. I wouldn't schedule anything on Saturday mornings because I wanted to ride. today, and most of the Saturdays this month I have slept until 7-10! am. today, I got up at 7:30, reluctantly, but Rockit was too loud.
I guess it's just OK.

Hair here.


Hair gone.

silly

proposal went fine. I was clearly nervous when I started, but once we started discussing it, I felt very comfortable, and it was fun to talk about it with them. I guess I was traumatized by the ex phys peeps more than I realized because the HED peeps really are sweet. I guess that is how they gained the FFF nickname - fifth floor feel-gooders. I have to change a few things really to make it simpler. not a big deal. and I think it will be very elegant. I am still glad I learned how to do SEM, but I am not going to use latent variables, I will use path analysis. I can still use SEM software though which is so EASY to do the calculations and effect sizes and all that stuff. neat.
I was going to go swim, but I DON'T feel like it. I guess that is OK. Although, I have only swum once this week, and I haven't been to Steve's in a couple of weeks! he is going to think Marie and I are cheating on him with another coach.
she has been sickie and I have been afraid of potentially and actually cold water. next week we head back.
I have a sinus headache, but other than that, am happy!
I feel so much more confident about the next step which will be the defense in the spring. doesn't seem like it will be too bad. if they all agreed on the study to begin with.

definitely freaked

I am officially completely nervous about my prop pres. officially. it will be great to be completely sleep deprived and nervous by the time Friday gets here. I just remembered to reserve a computer and projector for the room. DUHHHHHHH. I know that room doesn't have a projector or a computer. thank you, Lord. and, yes, I know that God sent me a telepathic message to get that done because I didn't remember.
I think if I had received ANY feedback on it up until this point, I might be a little less nervous.
I keep going over the worst case scenario: they all say it is the worst proposal they have ever read and the worst presentation they have ever seen. I have to rewrite it. that wouldn't be so bad. if they really thought it was terrible, they would probably give me some really specific instructions on what to change.
I also have my grant proposal all printed out with a letter for them all to sign so that I can schlep it over to OSP via Kinko's to make 5 copies and send off to Maryland.
wow. these are luxury worries.
come down off the ledge.
pretty day today.
I wish they would quit saying it's going to be cool, however.
it's cooler.
not cool.
back off to the J. DO not want to go. oh, well.

awesome

OU loss to Oregon = awesome. the dorky northwestern Oregon students were AWESOME. they were so excited. we watched the last quarter during dinner last night.

if you wanted to carry on a conversation with someone, would you go to a group exercise class? no, you could go ANYWHERE else in the gym. anywhere else in the world. when you go to a group exercise class, you go to exercise and follow the instructions of the instructor. is that crazy?

no, it is crazy to become mentally obsessed with 1 in 14 people. THAT is crazy.

brad and I did some heavy lifting to move the drawers out of the truck into the new shed addition. seems to be what weight lifting is really for. to be able to functionally lift weights. I think I am going to be sore. I hope brad will opt to sometimes drive the lexus. I feel bad driving his dad's car. he should get to drive it. and, now I can see out the back of the truck so I can drive it in the parking garage.

watching joseph campbell. apparently, it's our culture's judeo-christian framework upon which we build our values and daily rituals that separate us from our true consciousness which was more eloquently and adaptively articulated by the hindus and later buddhists. that the earth is our mother, and each night we die with the moon and each morning are reborn with the sun. and nature is something to be embraced not viewed as a knowledge of evil. makes sense.

stinking it up

I guess now that we are #8, we don't get to be on network tv. stink a link. guess we will be kveting it. or waiting until tomorrow. major applewhite is an offensive coach for rice. I always thought he was in the military. no, his name is major.
not so SMRT.
brad said the biggest travesty about those crockett HS defensive football coaches being put on leave was that a HS has FOUR defensive coaches. I concur.

we're just dumb

yes, it must be that powell, mccain, and the rest of us just don't understand common article 3 from the geneva convention of 1949. we just don't understand that what the president is proposing are simply necessary clarifications of the law. yeah, who was it, probably churchill, eisenhower, I am guessing, that came up with those laws. they just weren't thinking ahead.

fyi

when a person has REALLY bad cramps and doesn't feel good, his/her face hurts from allergies, and he/she is moody, this person does not want to decide what to eat for dinner. especially when the aforementioned person decides on dinner 364 days/year.
just wanted to let you know. in case you were wondering.

tmi

in case anyone was wondering, I am having really bad PMS, or PMDD, although it is not pre, it's during.
it stinks. I feel like wrapping myself in fleece and curling up in a ball. eventhough, it's hot outside. I shouldn't have watched the weather, because they set my expectations for this cool front unrealistically high. if I had been surprised by it, I think I might have perceived it as cool. I know, who cares! I just don't feel like doing ANY of the things I have to do.
I went to deliver consents this morning to HS #2. it was a pretty rough place. I have been really grateful lately that one only has to attend high school once.

I found what David Letterman said about Sept.11 very poignant and true. I am paraphrasing. Something like "we are told this act was performed by some religious zealots. They did it in the name of religion. How will that ever make any goddamned sense?"
I have seen many of the online movies regarding other motives and scenarios regarding the World Trade Centers' collapse. Some seem to have compelling evidence. However, it is unfathomable that they are true. It is easier to believe, although unbelievably absurd, that the attacks were in the name of religion.

In my insignificant life...
Hand delivered my proposal mail this morning. I feel relieved and excited. I also feel afraid as I have received very little feedback on it other than Lana proofreading a draft or so ago for grammar. I think it is interesting and well-done. However, I am afraid I have missed something huge, or something along the lines of 'they are going to find out' I am not smart.
Taught 2 swimmings this morning. Have 2 this afternoon. I have 8 hours of clients tomorrow. Got done with my proposal just in time. It is challenging for me to be positive, authoritative, watchful, and relaxed simultaneously. Especially while trying to learn 120 names. It all comes together after a couple of weeks, but the first few are intense.
I am REALLY trying to maintain an attitude of service and gratitude. I remember each morning, then I realize mid-way through the day that I have forgotten. I can't believe I am still human. It seems after practicing this for 10 years or so I would be sweeter, calmer, and more perfect. If I were perfect, I wouldn't need God's help. I think that perfectionism has been the most plaguing character defect ever. It permeates every aspect of my life. The BB says the worst culprit is fear. I suppose perfectionism is rooted in fear. OK, I'm done.

printed!

printing my proposal to deliver to my committee tomorrow! it is freaking me out because I am afraid once I have them all done I will find a grammatical error or something else dumb. however, I am also really sick of reading it over and over. it's too bad so many trees have to die to be in academia. but, I am so glad that the typewriter is obsolete. and there is this thing called ENDNOTE.

one of my spin participants said you can pay to ride in a fighter jet. now, you know what to get me for christmas....

planted my fall "garden" yesterday in a bunch of pots. we have a small section of sun on the south-facing side of the house, so I planted vegetables in half and flowers in the other half. I also planted some herbs in tiny pots. if anything, it is cute. especially once the pots of dirt have some green stuff in them.

marie and I cancelled our sunday afternoon swim date for about the 1000th time. we often plan to swim on sunday afternoons and 99.9% of the time one of us is too tired. NW closes at the end of the day today. now, we will have to brave steve's or the J's cold waters. if they J would quit aerating, that would help. it has been getting in the low 70's at night. no need to aerate!

watching B on IMlive. she is out of the water, but that's all I can see. it's always a good thing to make it thru the swim, though.

fighter pilots

well, I think I have a new career aspiration. 4 F/A-18 Hornets have been flying around the stadium to practice their flying around the stadium tonight. they flew right over our house this afternoon and at the start of the game, we are guessing from kileen to san antonio and back. too bad you have to be in the marines to fly these things. they were really cool. maybe someday our military will be purely for humanitarian aid and I can travel in a fighter jet helping people adhere to physical activity and not smoke.
brad told me smoking kills 500,000 people a year. I didn't know that. I thought the no.1 killer was CVD. it is, but almost all smokers develop CVD and those who don't, get cancer. smoking is the leading cause of preventable death in the US. about 40,000 of those deaths are of non-smokers who die from second hand smoke-related CVD, cancers, and respiratory diseases. as a smoker of 10 years and non smoker of 9 years, I can't believe anyone would ever smoke. the only people dumb enough to start smoking are teenagers, case in point. seems like if we could prevent teenagers from ever starting, we might have something. meanwhile tobacco companies have been increasing nicotine in cigarettes over the past 6 years. good job. how could you ever sleep at night?
should be printing out my proposal. efc: emotion focused coping = update blog, watch football, drink hot tea.
bm is doing IMWI tomorrow. go, b-dog!!!

the usual

we started our usual texas football weekend with tailgating at 8 am (game at 11). brad painted his face just like he always does for home games, but this time, to look like vince young. I think some people mistook this minstrel idea and were offended. you know how much brad loves vince young, and he misses him terribly. consequently, brad had a little too much md 20/20, and we had to walk him and his bike home at halftime. when we got home, we was passed out in the backyard clutching his vince young and bevo stuffed dolls with the radio blasting the post-game show.

we actually had our usual brad rides, mh does whatever. I slept until nearly 10 am yesterday! that is probably the first time in over 10 years. we got new glasses and picked them up today. brad's are really cool. mine, of course, make me look smrt.
looking forward to doing a lot of nothing tomorrow. it's not 1000 degrees outside, a pleasant reprieve.
getting things done for my proposal presentation in 3 weeks!!!

I don't know why everyone thinks Jean Schmidt doctored her 1993 Columbus marathon photo. Marie ran 3:19 at age 40.

Oh, here's our friend Stacy winning IM HI.

I guess I was out of the loop when the healthcare workers in NO were charged in late July. It is completely disgusting that those who risked their own lives, not to mention comfort or health to take care of the infirmed, (whom everyone else had abandonned) would be charged with a criminal offense. PLEASE, if I am 70 years old and a DNR, the hospital is flooded, no fresh water, no electricity, it's over 100 degrees inside PLEASE give me morphine and midazolam. Where was the law enforcement after the levees broke? Shooting at people trying to leave, already left themselves. We should all be so fortunate to have truly selfless people to take care of us during a disaster if we could not take care of ourselves. Ugh, it is digusting!!!!
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-na-katrina21jul21,0,6607636.story?coll=la-home-headlines
LA Times article from July 21.

In non-news, I got my diss survey up and running online. Still waiting on person #5 and now, September to roll around. Wouldn't it have been wonderful to get it done BEFORE classes started, like when I emailed all of them in early August. Oh, well. Obviously it's the tiniest blip on the radar of importance.

Johnny was a naughty boy, but Johnny is no more, for what he thought was H20 was H2SO4. HS chemistry. Apparently, the new airplane bombers would have died from sulfuric acid inhalation while assembling the bomb inside the airplane bathroom before the over an hour it would have taken to assemble the bomb with the chemicals they brought. So, apparently, it is not necessary that we have trashed all the creme de la mer and evian water before boarding. But, doesn't it make the Republicans look herioc to stop the terrorists before they get us again.
I suppose I am susceptible to the culture of fear just as much as anyone else, but it is disgusting to try to manipulate us into believing that what we are doing in Iraq is OK because we are preemptively stopping war or being attacked.
I can't believe the world has allowed the US to preemptively stop war essentially since we declared independence.
I know I said it wouldn't be so bad to be a tea sipper, but apparently the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree as Blair and W are bff's.

Well, some news is we saw Andy Roddick at Austin Java. Did I already tell you that? He is tall.
He won his first big tournament of the year today. The UT swim alums are breaking their own WR's left and right. Texas invite is this fall. It's pretty neat. Although, I don't know many of the current collegiate swimmers.

ready to move

bh and I had a great vacation. met up with th in santa fe. hiked up santa fe baldy. it was not TOO tough, except the last mile was 1000 ft ascent. the net ascent was only 2000 feet - from 10 to 12, but the round trip was 14 miles. except that bh and th are part mountain goat, and have hearts the size of grapefruits, and mine is the size of a tangerine, I think. then we drove up to leadville. it was pretty awesome. we hiked up mount elbert - the easiest route was a 5000 foot ascent over a little over 5 miles up. from 10 to 14.5. round trip was around 11 miles, I think. the footing was easier, though. we were above tree line for a long time. the views from the top were pretty spectacular. leadville, itself was awesome. they have a 12 mile asphalt trail that circumnavigates the town, coffee shop with soy lattés, and a lap pool. the houses are cheap and unbelievably cute. most built in the late 1800's. we ate at tim's high mountain pies 3x. 2x pizza, and once an amazing sub sandwich. stayed at the historic delaware hotel. it was historic, but not too historic - running water in the room, etc. drove back in one day. not our plan, but it worked out. really enjoying each others' company. that has been wonderful.

back on the bureaucracy train trying to get 6 adults in a room together to listen to my proposal. I can see why people quit this thing before it is over. I have been able to see at many stages why people quit. I suppose it is not an intellectual feat at all, but a feat in perseverance and stubbornnes. thank goodness I am unbelievably stubborn. I had always viewed that as a defect.

felt emotional today during spin class when U2's "one" came on. kind of goofball, but I was overcome with sadness. still very unhappy with what all the goverments and militaries involved are doing in the middle east. I don't know what I can do about it. brad told me the san marcos convenience store owner, who is pakistani, gets harassed by the san marcos pd, a professor from texas state, and various patrons. I am so increduluous that these things happen in 2006???!!! I suggested we call the ACLU, but she would be run out of town, I suppose. she is unbelievably nice. it is irrelevant, but she is a non-practicing muslim. how inoccuous is that? her phone is tapped. rest assured your tax dollars are being spent listening to her talk about her family, their medical problems, and the store for hours on end. good job, w!

marion jones suspected of taking EPO. if these pro athletes really are taking drugs, would someone PLEASE tell them which drugs will actually enhance their performances. jones and landis should switch docs if they are guilty. maybe I am naive, but I think landis is innocent. I have no idea why a sprinter would take EPO, so I think Jones must be innocent, also.

bff neil walker was on the relay team who set the new WR in the 4x100 free at the commonwealth games. pretty cool!!!
saw other bff shaun jordan for the second time in a row while I was wearing my shaun jordan swim camp tshirt. guess we are cosmically tied... I really don't wear that tshirt very often!

better

look at a picture of floyd landis. then, look at a picture of barry bonds. one of these things is not like the other.
I was going to post some, but don't feel like going thru the trouble. but, do you get my point?
floyd's 2nd test comes back saturday. I will be shocked if it's true that he took steroids. if he did, he really needs to get a new doc. that would not help his cycling performance.

lana is here visiting. we are having a nice time. we took brad's computer to the mall today. we spent longer at the mall than we have in years and bought nothing. weird.
we have walked at the lake after I exercise every day so far.

48 hour cease fire that lasts 12 hours. huh.

despite the state of the earth, I am feeling better. I guess individuals have to do well to make any change, so I am not going to feel guilty about it. brad got a letter back from kay bailey yesterday. he had pointed out that she opposed clinton's going to somalia, and supported bush's going to iraq. she said that conflicts without an end date needlessly endanger our soldiers' lives. hm. she didn't respond to her contradictory statements in the letter. at least someone from her office wrote back. I believe if enough of us write to them and tell them what we think, surely they will listen. or VOTE. I realize this is probably unrealistic. but, otherwise, I go back into existential meltdown.

dark cloud slightly lighter

well, if you are wondering what to get me for christmas.... it's a subscription to multivariate behavioral research. just in case you were wondering. who knew I liked research methods? not I. but, I do!
lana and I went to my offfice today. got my grant proposal updated. just need to do a couple more things and I can send it off. once I get committee approval!
sent them all an email yesterday to try to begin the ball rolling to presenting my proposal. I now see that the ball rolls much like a bowling ball pushed by an ant uphill through sand. ok, maybe not quite that bad, but I didn't get any response from 3 of them, yet.
looked a lot for a job yesterday. many jobs for DSHS (TDH). many. a professor I asked was optimistic and said it was a matter of timing. to me, time is one my side because of my skills. I have a job that I could work more at for a period of months. this seems totally reasonable to me. is it, in fact, unreasonable?
she also said I could work for the city. it also seems to me a school district would be a reasonable option.
I felt very anxious looking. of course the ones I found were for today, this week, etc. a few looked REALLY cool. but, those will be gone. this is how I felt looking for a house. I can see why I have not yet looked.
anyway, trying to talk myself down off the ledge.
afterall, I am healthy, bh is healthy, family is healthy. ok, physically, not mentally, clearly!!! I can run, although my leg is a little irritated so I am biking tomorrow instead of running. I have a great roof over my head. I never miss a meal. I think I need bigger hand paddles to swim with, that's super cool. bh and I are going to the mountains. trying to get reexcited about that one. my house is not being bombed.

I don't categorically support any government under all circumstances. I have been talking with my peeps about the middle east situation. it seems many categorically support a country no matter what it does. I don't categorically support anyone or anything no matter what it does. if brad started bombing people, even if they had bombed him in the past, I would not categorically support him. I would still love him, and I would support him as a person, but I would not support his bombing people.

found out some more old friends died. Alex Magocsi who used to write for the Observer and Mark Durham. sad.
I guess this is what happens the longer you stay alive. it is hard to think this will get easier, especially as people closer and closer go. people say that births balance it out, but I have never felt that.

we did have a birth, however in the fam. d&d had girl #2. very cute. all are well. that is good news.

et tu, floyd?

I really hope it's not true. I don't know enough about thyroid meds to know if that is a plausible answer. Or the hip meds. I think I could have grown a beard while I was on the prednisone, but I don't know if the dose I was on would have been considered performance enhancing.
I just hope the B sample comes back neg.
geez, over the edge today!

ugh

when the importance of something is very high, and there is another variable I can't remember, motivation required to do it becomes very high. it's an exponential relationship between the 3. I have the article in my office, and I am at home.
not getting any school work done. I did reorganize a couple of things, clean, laundry, other little things I had been putting off because I have been working so hard on my diss.
had a discussion regarding my career plans. feel very depressed. feel very unable to concentrate. feel very hopeless. yucko.
I was really rocking along, and now I am having an existential melt down. yucko 2.
lana is coming to visit. "we" are going to knit and work on my diss. that is, if I can get my brain to reboot.

cross-eyed

I guess it's from drinking iced tea all morning and staring at the computer.
#1 I had a set of arrows drawn the wrong way in my SEmodel. DUH!
#2 I am getting a negative variance I can't figure out. It is impossible to have negative variance. Duh.
#3 I have a standardized regression weight greater than 1. Also impossible. Duh.
2 and 3, however, I cannot figure out. they will have to wait until another day. this afternoon is clients. tomorrow, clients. last day of swim lessons.

floyd!

brad said now when we ride people will yell, "floyd!" instead of, "lance!" yes, they will. he is certainly a more humble and likable fellow.
got an actual SEmodel to run today. the fit was pretty terrible, but I used my own data, drew the model, and got the dang thing to run. I am pretty excited.
noise in bmont is a little disturbing to my deep thought. fortunately, the workmen quit around 2 pm. must me nice to be contracted by UT. today I was entertained by the escalator repairmen who were enjoying wham!, kool and the gang, and a duran duran. it kept going, but I cranked my organ hymns. fairly amusing.
lifted weights with bh yesterday at the J. sore.
did you see the sunday talk shows? bush press secretary? ugh.

go, floyd

yesterday my yahoo news had a headline lance and bruyneel knew landis couldn't hack it. today it says landis can probably win. I like to make headlines in retrospect, also. got to watch quite a few stages at my parents' house. alp d'huez was pretty cool.

there has been so much going on in the news I haven't had time to comment.
it seems so blatantly and painfully obvious that bush is a total incompetent based solely on the stem cell research bill. yet, he continues to add more evidence on top of that. either life is sacred or it is not. embryos that would have been used to save lives will now be destroyed, or as he thinks of it killed. how could that make any sense? he supports the death penalty - strike 2. and there is that war.
one time at the 7 am gary h. talked about getting upset by the news. he said his sponsor told him the newspaper was not for him to read. I kind of agree, but I also think that we can handle things when the wind stops blowing. I wrote letters to my senators and representative about the stem cell bill. I am not sure how they ended up voting (or if they voted at all.)

coach steve won't be at practice today so I am going over to the J this morning. I hope the water is 80 or above. the masters coach there thinks freezing is better. I am banking on the 100 degree weather to undermine his evil plot.

got a lot of work done in my office yesterday. I am in super clean-out mode. got stuff like that done here on wednesday.

consumer note: don't buy an appliance from sears. our frig quit working last week. I had bought the extended warranty when I bought the frig. they couldn't come out to fix it for 2 weeks. they said in order to get reimbursed for our food spoilage, we would need to keep the food to prove we had food in our frig. yes, most people don't keep any food in their frig. poor brad called probably 20 different times including the times to the "direct service line." he kept getting hung up on, transferred, put on hold. finally he talked with a manager who "escalated" our call. why should a repair need to be escalated, and why do they not have enough technicians so that people don't have to wait 2 weeks? the guy came out on wednesday and fixed it. he didn't want to see our trashcan full of food. we also took pictures of the food before we threw it away.
anyway, just a word of warning. who knew they would suck so bad.

big d

in big D. played last night. had fun. remembered most of my own songs. had some help. that part was fun. saw some folks I hadn't seen in a LONG time and some that I hadn't seen in a while. it was nice to see everyone. I felt loved. cool.

gave my 2nd cousins swim lessons yesterday. it is easy to teach kids that have been indoctrinated with don's lingo. shark nose bubbles, giant pizza circles, and aloha ears. no wonder they looked at me like I was speaking Japanese.

heard the word Doran 2 is here. congratulations!!!

haven't gotten any work done, but I have gotten to enjoy the company of my parents. that is pretty cool.
riding inside watching the tour on their cable is fun. makes it easy to push on the trainer. got to swim at the landry center and am going again. was going to go to the dallas J, but it is far. the bapists are close to my parents house.

speaking of baptists, my dad said the baptists have the best hymnal as far as religious music goes. I guess I have to agree that there are some classics, but I love me some anglican organ music. how great thou art, his eye is on the sparrow, and were you there are pretty awesome. but o, God our help in ages past and a mighty fortress is our God totally rock.

mother and I have some serious missions today. getting packets of condiments at a store near fair park and hot dogs from costco. we both enjoy doing those things.