feeling good

feeling good in general about things. had my lindy lesson on Sunday. it was super fun. and you get to wear tennis shoes. DID and I are cool, now, too, I think. I am going to start back in July.

HH is doing well swimming and in gymnastics class, making progress.

missing BH because he is so bizzy. Sunday, I scheduled some "alone time" for us after he had study time. he thought I meant alone time by ourselves. duh! no, BH, when have I ever scheduled time for us to be by ourselves? alone time as in US alone. I was very tired, though, so it kind of worked out.

saw a documentary - American Experience on Roberto Clemente recently. wow.

dancing pictures

Here are some pictures from the showcase
Raman Evazians is the photographer.

The top one is called the Titanic, the bottom one is called the hammerlock.

Sounds like Salsa dancing, huh?

I'm getting one put on a coffee mug and the other one put on a 11x17 poster.

NOT REALLY.

I bought 4x6's of all the race photos. Only $2 a piece. Much cheaper than Ironman photos. And no weird ones of me trying to get into a wet suit or covered in mud or algae.

stupidly early

Woke up so early, at some place in my sleep cycle that I wasn't sleepy and was hungry.  (HH)  Got up and ate some Newman O's and got sleepy about 30 minutes before I would have needed to get up.  Figured that would hurt too much to take a  30 minute nap.  Not PG.

Think I can come up with a song re: pain related to dancing.  Dancing is such an obvious, if not schmaltzy, metaphor for life.  I think I can make it work.

Took HH to gymnastics Monday.  He mostly had fun.  He was the youngest one there and, I think, a little overwhelmed by all the activity.  But, he did enjoy doing pullups and jumping on this mini-trampoline with a bar to hold onto.  I realized I still need to work on my post partum, lower abdominal strength, as jumping on the bubble bounce contraption made me pee a little bit.

I want a mini-trampoline for the house (gym) and a large mirror, in case anyone has one s/he is trying to get rid of.

If I already knew

how to fucking dance, I wouldn't need lessons or classes.

Sorry for the colorful language, but I am angry and hurt, and cheap.  Don't want to stop going to my unlimited June classes, but I am not getting what I need at my place, anymore.  For me, group exercise, group dance, private training, and private lessons are about building self-efficacy and skills, and mental and spiritual health.  If I already knew how to dance, I would not need to go to class or take lessons.  Yes, I have been learning how to follow for 8 months, but I am not perfect at it, yet!  I need a break from the hardware store when all I am looking for is a loaf of bread!!!

Taught a group exercise Latin dance class, myself today to a weight loss group.  It was FUN!  And we got sweaty, learned something, had some successes, some challenges.  I have been pretty disciplined about practicing by myself at home.  I can't remember that many patterns, though.  And it is kind of boring.  Anyway, thank you, world, for listening to me emotion-focused cope - vent....  I actually feel better.

Hank and I are going to gymnastics this afternoon. Woot!

same glee?

post showcase and post IM Boerne.

I do think I have a similar expression of glee.

but in the showcase one, I think I look strangely like Lisa Rinna.

and I don't care for her.

la tempestad

Brad was in Cedar Park at school when the tornado was around there.  He said they had to sit in the hall for an hour.  I had planned to go to salsa class, but decided to abort the mission when I saw the radar.  Good call!!!  Heard everyone is OK, too.

dance when no one is watching

World, for the record, "act as if" works whether you want it to or not.  It has worked for me adaptively, in sobriety, but now has seemed to work for me maladaptively.  Consequently, I am taking a little break from sexy arms, figure 8 hip motion, and wearing high heels outside the house.  Not entirely, but I am going to finish out my unlimited June group classes, then try an extremely unsexy dance - Lindy.  I have money saved for another batch of private lessons,  (proceeds from sale of goods) but I think I will hang on to it, or get laser hair removal.

Hank and I went to Don's mom and me water class yesterday afternoon.  It was fun.  He had fun except when Don helped hoist him up on the giant duck, but that was a very brief upset.  He's not crazy about getting his face wet, but he didn't get pissed off.

Enjoying the CCC team.  Sweet as ever.  A little afraid of what sweet Hank will become around 5 or 6 other boys.  It seems to only take one bad apple to steer the whole bunch into meanness or unnecessary competitiveness.  

Here's another good one: "Dance like no one is watching, unless Brad Pitt is watching."

it takes a Village

in my Wonder Years summation, I will just say that despite my tendency to want to be nurtured by the Vulcan, I got lots of nurturing by all the other people including a big hug from BH afterwards, just like I like it, long and still.  the dancing went pretty well.  I did hit myself in the head with my forearm while turning, but I think I must've been on the back side of the audience because no one I asked saw it.  I wanted to hide so badly before the show, but there was no where to go.  it occurred to me instead of withdrawing to try to help others.  duh!!!  Susi taped my dress to my shoulders, and Liz put my eyelashes on, that was the imperative help I received.  I tried the eyelashes, again, and looked like Lucile Ball in one of the Lucy episodes where her eyelashes are coming off.  I feel a little PSD, but I think that is probably just PMS.  haha.

so bizzy

Hank's latest thing is to move the trash cans around. I washed them all so that when he also chews on the rim, it's somewhat sanitary. Whenever I talk with my Grandmother on the phone she always tells me she has been very busy.  I don't think she has been, but I think it's adaptive for her to believe she is busy.  And she says, "so bizzy."

Tonight is the adult dance recital.  I guess I should say dance recital for adults.  We are going to have clothes on.  I am looking forward to it, but not looking forward to being there 3 hours before the doors open.  We do a run through of the whole thing before the whole thing.  That will be good.  I think being in a different place will be the thing that weirds me out the most.  And if DID smiles at me funny on the opening bar of our dance.  That makes me laugh.  

Been trying to give my fingernails a French manicure for the past week.  I can see why I rarely paint my fingers or toes.  There is not enough time between coats.  What a luxury problem.

Going to ride the bike and even starting on time!

Hindsight

On one of the last episodes of The Office, Michael and Holly (Michael's fault, of course) made a snafu during their company picnic presentation.  Holly says something cliché about hindsight being 20/20, and Michael says something like, "Yes, we should have had hindsight, and we would not have made that mistake."

Re:the Universe and "signs."  I went on a date with someone who, on the first date told me he didn't like the Beatles, then argued with me about where they played their last big concert (Candlestick Park).  I could have stopped there, because although it might seem trivial, "not liking the Beatles" could have told me plenty about him that we did not need to continue.  We did have some fun together, but he went on to confirm we were not meant to Be by being categorically opposed to adoption, and our senses of humor were not congruous.  Lastly, I didn't get in to the graduate school in the city where he lived.  (Conversely, it seemed like everything Brad said while we were dating was an enormous Yes).

I think there have been a few times when God used weather to keep me safe - ice storms, e.g.  Not that the ice storm came to Dallas because of me (I do have a grandiosity and self-centeredness problem, but not THAT bad), but that I had plans on a day there was an ice storm.  I don't think God does local weather.  If  God did, Austin would be as over-populated as Bejing.

My point is, hindsight does provide knowledge to use in the future decisions.  Not that the Universe has a human's voice, but that Humans guide us to reach our Higher Selves, we just have to reach some level of Attention.  

Universe, you are funny

Just when I finally got it through my thick skull I don't need other adults' approval, I got some, and in writing, no less.  For some reason it reminds me of when I used to pray for God's will for a romance to be taken out of my life.  I was always afraid he would get struck by lightening.  As if to take him out of my life, God would take him out of everyone's lives.  

I am somewhere in between the Universe/God taking care of every single thing and TJ's Deism, but it seems like sometimes there is more micromanagement than others.

about 10 years apart

Just feeling like listening to myself talk, lately.  Yesterday, sweet Bodie came over for about 3.5 hours.  He was asleep for probably half the time he was here, but the other half, he was not too happy.  I felt terrible for him, as I was not that able to comfort him.  I guess when I can't comfort Hank, I do feel bad, but I just think, well, this is what you got, kid, all my sympathy, love, and knowledge, but this has to work.  Anyway, I do not comprehend how anyone has more than one child.  Only if they are at least 10 years apart.  So funny I have not gotten pregnant.  Funny may be the wrong word.  Would sure be funny if I were, now.  Again, maybe not "funny."  We are trying again, today.  (Bodie, not getting pregnant).  I hope he will be more comfortable here since he has seen the place once.

Today is the first day of CCC team practice for me.  I am looking forward to it.  Then, Marie and Sydney are coming over for lunch.  Then Bodie.  Then I am taking Hank to my parents' later this evening so I can go to one more salsa class.  

Feeling so much more Free about the whole dancing thing.  Like we're supposed to: Happy, Joyous, and Free.  I also realized DID is kind of unpredictable, and think that is another piece of my emotional button.  See, once you have enough therapy under your belt, you don't have to pay someone anymore, you just do it, yourself.  It takes longer, and is probably more unpleasant, but it still works!

progress, not perfection

I just saw the video of our whole :110.  I am not going to shame shame shame myself, AGAIN, but holy cow, I have been blindly swirling around in a tornado of people pleasing.  It's an insatiable and fantastical pursuit, and I just told someone the other day, "You can't act on what you think someone else wants you to do!"  1) it's irrelevant, 2) it's impossible, 3) it's not fun, and 4) it's not your Purpose!  No doi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's ok.  I just saw how sad I looked dancing, and it ALL made sense.  Thank you, technology.

A couple of weeks ago, I got to watch a very fancy lady dance with this guy whom I don't care for.  She just handled herself like she does with everyone, true to her Purpose.  I personally don't think it's necessarily sexy, but supposedly, she is the sexiest.  She is DEFINITELY the most skilled.  She just did her thing, let him do his thing (looked annoying and weird, to me), and then it was over.  I don't know if he gives her the creeps, too, or not, but it was inspiring, but with an undefinable aplomb.  Now, I know what it was.  She was being Authentic, and she wasn't trying to please anyone except Her Self.

Yes, DID is the teacher, and he provides information.  But IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE,  or anyone else, THINKS.  I am surprised this flew right past me, but oh, well.  I caught it.  Hooray, just in time to have fun at the showcase.

woke up with morals

Woke up with the morals to the stories in my head.  1.  Being sensitive is not a character defect.  Amy Hodges told me that about 10 years ago.  I am well equipped to guide Hank, who appears, at the age of 16 months, to be sensitive.  I don't want to project my STUFF on to him, but when he comes to me from a place of child-like excitement, (probable, during his childhood) I listen, support, etc...don't shut him down.  2.  Don't go to the hardware store for bread.  This one comes up a lot and is maybe a reminder I need to be going to the "other room"  (when I would do that, I have no idea, but...)  I have made lots of progress on this.  BUT, on one hand, I feel like a turtle, which is not very mature.  I'm just not gonna come out.  On the other hand, I can make informed decisions about with whom I am deeply authentic.  Is it possible to be authentic without showing one's entire hand to everyone?  Maybe not.  I guess I don't know exactly where the boundaries on this one are, but I do know not everyone is "safe."  It bugs me people I want to be safe are not.  That's just one of those things.  Can't always git what you want.  It's childlike to think or act like everyone IS safe.  Not reality.  3.  My experiences can benefit others.  I have seen that lots of times with the little kids and water/swimming/being scared.  There was a little girl at meet the coaches who was breaking all of our hearts.  Her parents weren't being mean, they were just being clueless.  She did NOT want to go in the deep water.  She didn't want to be on the swim team.  The mom got in with her with all her clothes on.  The dad was already in with her.  That was pretty humane, but the little girl was barely floating, vertically in the water, crying, and was not swimming.  All the coaches talked with her and her parents at different times during the whole thing.  My gift is with the little girl.  Jeanne was very good with the parents.  Don is good with both.  

Looks like we are not having bootcamp, again.  We preemptively cancelled last week for rain.  Now, it's raining, so I will send out an early-morning email.  I am sure Bob will assume he can sleep-in after seeing the lightening.  : )

I started new client a few weeks ago who has been very weepy each time I have seen her.  I felt very sympathetic towards her.  Although she had been through a LOT of physical and health stuff to which I could not relate, I had been where she was in terms of self-talk.  I am NOT the poster child for adaptive self-talk, but, again, I have made progress.  When you say, "this is my bad side," it is true no matter how founded in physical reality; it's your bad side.  You don't have to lie to yourself, but you can say something more adaptive to move towards progress.  "This side is very challenging."  Something along those lines.  

I am sensitive;  It's a character asset that is sometimes challenging.  How's that?

achilles heel

feeling so excited before my 2 hour dance lesson, then had a sad attack when DID was critical.  that is an issue I have had lots of therapy over, a dad button that dad did not intentionally or maliciously create, but nonetheless, a button - very excited in a child-like way, someone shuts it down, can't keep from crying.  I even said to myself or sort of out loud, "I'm fine; I'm a grown woman."  That voice, whosever it is, is not helpful to stop me from crying.  anyway, I am ready to quit dancing because I don't want to go to that place of vulnerability except in the privacy of my own home.  I am sure this too shall pass, but at the moment, I am very done.  it's more vulnerable than singing, definitely than songwriting, even though I am very frank in most songs, way more vulnerable than visual art.  I guess it's about equal to romance, which may be why it's so tenuous for me.  with BH, connecting was easy and without pain.  dancing is not easy, and there are lots of achilles heels vulnerable to being wounded.  anyway.  I'm being dramatic, but ugh, sad!

I am also very excited Bodie is coming over 3 afternoons this week 12-5.  we'll all get to see what it's like with 2 babies.  I don't think I am PG, though.  I wouldn't be so weepy if I were.

we are very happy for Tio Tim, getting married in September.  we had planned to go to MI this summer, but now we will go in the fall.  

lastly, I am very VERY excited BH is getting his foot in the door for nursing school.  Tio T said he "loved his job."  BH was incredulous that anyone could even not dislike his job.  I think he would love being a surgical nurse like Tio T.  

:22 of :110

Here are the first 22 seconds of my dance with DID at dress rehearsal.  The camera battery quit for some reason.  Probably taking too many videos of the kid!

As you may remember, Kathleen Wood warned me about PID after IMCa.  I wondered why I would get pelvic inflammatory disease after doing an ironman, but she meant post-ironman depression.  I can already feel the PSD (post showcase depression) sneaking up.  Although, not accompanied by an existential crisis like the IM was.

I am not feeling nervous, and after watching DID dance with many of us in his harem, I feel fine with the sexy arms, etc.  It's just part of the dance and not a big deal.

Now, I want to do a fund-raiser of sorts so that we can do a Rumba spotlight in December.

All the money paid to be in showcase beyond the cost of production goes to Lifeworks.

Turns out our song is 1:50, not 1:30.  And I would like to amend that I noticed my posture was not it's best, and my back break needs work.  I don't know how I am going to warm up without a partner on Sunday.  It takes me about 40 minutes to slow down the 3 and the 7 and "connect my arms to my body," while not contracting my biceps.  I guess I will figure it out when I get there.  We are supposed to get there 3 hours early on Sunday.  I don't normally wish I had a PDA, but I think I will wish that, then.  ipod, too.  Maybe BH will let me borrow his.... : )

thinking problem

having a hard time not obsessing about the sexy arms thing in salsa.  figured out DID is a Scorpio, and I had thought he was a Sagittarius this whole time.  explains why I am a little afraid of him and I think of him kind of like my dad in a Greek tragedy sort of way.  today we did a Rumba thing where I am supposed to put my hand on his stomach.  I don't know why I find this extremely intimate.  dancer people don't think about it at all.  then I wanted to work on the end of our showcase routine  - something fancy.  he suggested a dip.  the first one is not so much of  a dip, but it is called a dip.  it's basically me standing on one leg like a flamingo, and with my arm around his waist.  I noticed I was putting my forearm on his back, but I wasn't touching it with my hand.  I guess I am afraid it's like a wildfire.  if I were to allow myself to commit to the sexy arms, we would have sex.  I realize this is unreasonable, but I am so black and white, that I just can't find any grey area.  it's all or nothing.  sexy arms, sex.  no sexy arms, no sex.  of course, I do not want us to have sex, nor do I think he is suggesting that, either.  I am so glad Shawn Johnson won DWTS.  maybe she can give me some advice.

like robbing a highway

Don't know if I mentioned this when it happened, but overheard at IKEA regarding an item someone apparently thought was expensive, "wow, that's like robbing a highway."  I don't know if they were foreign or just trying to be hilarious.

What brought highway robbery to mind was I sold some clothes at Buffalo Exchange yesterday.  It was kind of like halfprice books, but with young people who don't care as opposed to middle aged people who don't care.  I turned them down on a few of their terrible offers, which meant I had to carry the stuff and the kid BACK out to the car, and no, thank you, I don't need any help opening the door or carrying anything, you just stand there. please.  I am not superstitious, and I don't know if I believe in karma or not, but it did seem like a reflection of my former self.  No clue about having a kid or why you would need to bring the kid with you while you carried in grocery sacks full of clothes that are perfectly good but that you haven't worn in 20 years.

The main reason for the purge was to get the rest of my clothes out of Hank's closet.  Mission mostly accomplished except for my coats.  I put my pants in the upstairs bathroom cabinet.  And I put my dresses on the top of my two layer closet in the office.  Now, if I would just sell/get rid of the stuff in the bottom of my closet and Hank's closet, we would be in serious, organization nirvana.

Off to ride the spin bike before the first meet the coaches for Canyon Creek summer league swim team!  My 4th season!!!

long time gone

been updating my facebook status, annoyingly frequently, I am sure, instead of blogging.

Hank has not eaten at night for over a week.  it's getting a LOT better.  so good that I don't remember any dreams I have had for the past 3 nights.  wow.

had a hard time, hormonally this weekend.  I think BH was tired, and I was, too, and just before I left for my dance lesson on Sunday, I experienced him as being annoyed with me for being gone.  

consequently, I cried on the way to my lesson, then I cried a little during my lesson, then I cried at the end of my lesson.  I had told DID I hardly ever cry, which was true until that sad attack at On2 class.  now, it seems like the dam has burst.  I felt plenty content when I woke up yesterday morning.  Hank and I walked to get my watchband lengthened.  all the way up to near the Nighthawk restaurant.  this morning I woke up crazy early, but not worried or sad, just early.

I have a bunch of Jewish mothers as clients, and I am used to it, and love it, really.  so I am sure DID is used to having emotional women as clients.  I bet if he ever considered polygamy, since becoming a dance instructor, he has abandoned that fantasy.  all the listening and talking, and trying to be supportive without any of the rewards with us.

going to watch my taped SNL and DWTS and ride the bike!

selling basketball cards

I have about 4 large binders' worth of basketball cards.  anyone have any idea to whom I might sell them?  I don't want to f with selling them off one by one.

last night accompanied B & N to Go Dance for the Drop-In and Dance.  we all got in free because they were new and I brought them.  I think I could have dropped them off, as they handled themselves with grace and much enjoyment.  but it was kind of fun to be there.  this teen aged boy who rotated to me said, "tell me when you are ready for me to turn you."  I smiled and said, "well, you get to tell me when I am ready."  I also danced with a perfectionist hot-head who decided to sit down after he rotated to me.  I felt horrible.  I was not giving him any advice, and I was following his robot steps, but he was very frustrated he wasn't cuing the turn at the right time.  I can relate, but I did not expect to "get it" on my first lesson.  progress, not perfection.  stayed for 45 minutes of the social dance.  got to dance with DID.  I hope he will say I was more relaxed.  I was trying SO hard to stay relaxed.  I know.  not going to work.  it's like trying to untie a knot with all your might!

going to the last On2 class today.  going to keep my chin up to keep my brain in positive mode.  hopefully, the neurotransmitters will beat the hormones today as the hormones of not being pregnant descend.  it's ok; back to work!!!

soc dancing

when I first read The Outsiders, in my mind I read the word, 'socs' as "socks" instead of "soshes."  know what I mean?  and I didn't get it.  duh.  why are they called socks?  I think Cynthia's mom was secretly pleased that Cynthia knew something I didn't.  we were in Germany after 8th grade when I found out.  I don't blame her, because I think I came across as trying to be a smarty pants.  I was just dying for some approval, but I think it was hidden under the  unpleasant smarty pants-ness.

I went to deja vu salsa on Sunday.  I went to deja vu salsa on Sunday.  social dancing.  I stayed a whole 35 minutes past the 30 minute lesson - until after 9:30 PM!!!  I had one very successful dance with a kid brother, one fairly challenging and fairly successful dance with a kid brother's fancy best friend, and one medium success with an older brother.  I was mostly proud of myself just for showing up.

got a dress for showcase.  I need to get it altered if I am going to wear it.  sent the dress I already had off to get dyed red.  if it doesn't turn out, I will keep this black one and wear it.  got it at a website with some good stuff.

if you haven't seen it, already, garrett weber-gale has a neat website, also.  his most recent post has some videos of Olympic swimmers hanging and being Navy Seals.  it's neat.

here's our latest video.

sad attack

went to my On2 class at noon.  wasn't feeling too into it, but reasonably content.  while dancing I had a sudden onset of sadness.  I thought I was going to cry in class.  no reason, other than hormones.  I do view female sex hormones as a Gift and evolutionarily adaptive (except the cramps.  Jesus!)  However, I don't know why the sudden extreme sadness.  I would have thought I could dance my way out of it, but it wouldn't go away.  I left before the partner work part.  I also really didn't want to dance with the guy with extremely sweaty hands.  I almost snuck out undetected, but DID asked me where and why I was going.  I stage whispered "woman things."  there were 5 people standing there all staring at me once he asked.  I assume he will assume I meant cramps.  I am not having any cramps.  Just this weird brick of sad.  Brad picked me up and took me to Whole Foods.  very sweet.  HH is at nana & poppa's for the first time in a couple of weeks.  Brad is going to take a nap.  I would like to, too.  I'm not sleepy, now, though.

this month I haven't taken any pregnancy tests, yet.  last month I probably took about 8.  the problem was, there were at least 3 that didn't work.  they would neither confirm nor deny if I was pregnant.  we only put 1 bullet in the chamber this time, so I am sure I am not.  last time we worked diligently for several days, so I was sure I was.

last night went to salsa and merengue.  merengue was fun.  not so many hard and fast rules, it doesn't seem.  and I kind of snuck in to merengue 2 because I didn't go to any merengue 1.  I know, it's scandalous.  but I did fine.

I don't feel like dancing at ALL right now, and I wondered if I could get my money back for showcase.  I know this too shall pass, but I think it will never pass.  even after many many many times of feeling ____ and it always feels like it will last forever, and it never does.

bad news funny news

our refrigerator KENMORE the WORST REFRIGERATOR IN THE HISTORY OF REFRIGERATORS broke, again, for the 2nd time in its short, 7 year life.  we originally bought the extended warranty, but when that sucked so bad we were going to have to wait for 2 weeks with rotten food in the refrigerator as instructed by the Sears representatives, we wrote them back to say, no, thank you, we would not care to renew our extended warranty, again.

funny news, on the way to take a bunch of food from the grocery store that I bought today to my parents' refrigerator, we saw an Indian run that was a walk.  a line of walkers, walking pretty slowly, with the tail person jogging up to the front.  there may be another name for it these days, but I am pretty sure Native peoples would want to claim this as a practice - the Indian walk/run.

the smell

Saturday night, Brad took it upon himself to cook some chicken.  I was sick and already in bed.  And I am not suggesting that, because he is a man, he should not cook.  He works outside the home more than I do, so as a person, I feel obliged to do more of the cooking.  However, he had a mishap with one of the pans and the gas stove.  Needless to say, the smell of burning plastic still permeates the downstairs.  We opened all the windows, and I performed my amateur shaman routine with lots of incense, but it still stinks.

On the other hand, this morning I was sleeping on my stomach, and I think I smelled some of Hank's spit up on the bed.  It was dry, not like fresh spit up.  But, it smelled GOOD.  Isn't that the strangest and most adaptive physiological response?!  Now, the time Hank actually threw up, that did smell gross to me.  And now the poop is not smelling so great to me.  But it's not as repulsive as the smell of anyone else's poop.  I wonder why it is adaptive that one might find one's own poop or foot smell pleasant.  OK, maybe not pleasant, but haven't you ever smelled your own shoe more than once?  I have.  It's a little like a train wreck.  Keep going back for one more smell to make sure that's what it really smelled like.

While watching Monday's DWTS yesterday morning, I had another little epiphany regarding the regarding of the sexiness.  Shawn Johnson, the gymnast.  (I always want to call her Shaun Jordan, the male, Olympic swimmer).  She's 17, and Mark Ballas is about to turn 23 (thank you, Wikipedia).  So, it's illegal for them to make out.  They are NOT going to make out.  But, they ACT like they WANT to make out while they are dancing, knowing that they will NOT make out either while or after they are dancing.  ACTING!  (Jon Lovitz).  So, it's just about ACTING like you might enjoy making out with this person while you are dancing the sexy dance while KNOWING you will not make out.  At least that is how I am going to think about it.  I tried at my dance lesson last night, not to go that far, mentally, but to get lost in the movement and following.  I had some moments of being lost.  DID was in a good mood and didn't give me a hard time when I goofed.  The double spin in my current bane.  Hard!!!  I regret not acting or even trying to act in the 7th grade play when I was supposed to be the love interest of Kevin Huey's character.  He was killed while riding his bike home from school 2 years later.  An extreme example of missing out on life due to fear, (on my part) but the similarity is not lost on me.

as seen on Oprah

saw the lady who makes $40,000/month in ads from her hilarious blog.  I would be very happy with $40,000/year.  she writes about her boobs; I am sure I have talked about my boobs before, have I not?  come on, Oprah, read my blog, too!

been down with a sinus infection.  VERY tired.  feeling better this morning.  missing my parents a lot when I am sick.  Hank was sick for 2 days, fortunately, before I got sick.  I blame his 25 minutes in babysitting last week.  ended up taking some antibiotics that I thought had made me nauseated.  took them with pizza the first time to avoid side effects.  called dr lamy (so easy to call him dr lamo!) to refill my last antibiotic for my last identical sinus infection.  nurse called back to tell me I would have to come in for an appointment.  this is why, we the people, self-medicate.  if a 37 year-old, college educated, sinus infection aficionado can't recognized her own illness...

my lips on top of yours

today at boot camp they were asking me about CPR and getting certified.  talked about circulation, AED's, and pocket masks.  "do you carry a pocket mask, Meredith?"  "no, Bob, it's just going to be my lips on top of yours."  bob's wife: "that sounds like more fun than you have had in a long time."

took Hank to J babysitting for the first time yesterday.  he cried for 25 minutes, so I opted to take him back home.  today it appears he has a cold.  I hope it's just allergies.  didn't know 14 month-olds could have allergies to airborne stuff.

signed up to dance salsa for :90 (that's seconds) with DID at Showcase on June 7.  the funds are coming from my birthday present money.  (most of the money goes to Lifeworks, a non-profit that serves needy children and adolescents.  it's a former beneficiary of the 3M half marathon, too).  I asked if he thought I could wear the same dress I wore on the cover of ifIhadahIfi.  he asked, didn't I want to get a new dress?  no!  not in the budget.  have I considered putting rhinestones on my clothing?  no, I have not.  yes, I guess one should ease into wearing rhinestones on one's clothing.  I do already have some awesome Latin dance shoes, of course!

supposed to go to Dallas tomorrow, but may not get to due to sick HH.  : (

if at first you don't succeed

try, try, try, again.  stop reading if you don't want to hear about any reproductive processes.

started my period.  two days early.  not the end of the world, but am disappointed.  we were certainly as diligent as we could have been during the past month.  similar to our honeymoon.  pretty fun, of course.  it does seem like a Grander task than just f**king, to have sex in order to fertilize an egg, that 40 weeks later, will become a baby.  I don't know.  maybe it is just the former, f.  and segway into f.  we watched a movie called Surfwise off Netflix on the computer.  it was pretty good.  very weird.  a family of 9 kids living in a camper, surfing all day, eating healthy foods, and a LOT of weirdness. it seemed fairly adaptive for them until they began to reach puberty, themselves.  

off to the J.  then, hope to dance this afternoon.

Dancing With The Stars - Grab the Widget - ABC.com

Dancing With The Stars - Grab the Widget - ABC.com

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Salsa On2

DID and DIB are teaching a Salsa On2 class on Saturdays from 12-2 pm at Go Dance.  Yes, there are sexy arms, but not too many.  On2 emphasizes beats 2 and 6, unlike regular salsa, which emphasizes beats 1 and 5.  It's kind of similar, but also different.  The first class was very fun, and it's not too late to join.

We did Rumba today at my lessons.  It was fine until DID said I was supposed to do this Rumba walk "sexily" around in a circle.  I will do it if he closes his eyes.  Walking sexily is like nuclear fission.  

There is a chance I could be a very little bit PG.  I won't tell you how good of a chance.  

too sexy

I told DID some of the arms in salsa were "too sexy!"  He asked what I thought salsa was about, I did not answer, then he told me the stuff we were doing is rated G.  I should have told him he is going to end up with 9 kids if he keeps this sexy arms things up with all his students, like it or not.  I did not tell him that, however.  I just tried to do the sexy arms while thinking unsexy thoughts.

I have danced 4 days in a row and am going for 5 tomorrow.  It seems I don't have to start quite from square one with the uncomfortability when I dance that frequently.  Yesterday, I went to salsa, samba, and rumba classes.  The samba class was the most physically challenging.  It was taught by 2 English people, one of whom resembled a cockney hummingbird.  She was cute.

Hank goes to his 2nd week of school this week.

in your face, now

I did go dancing after watching a good movie, Maria, Full of Grace.  I had fun dancing.  Dancing Salsa with DID is a lot of fun, but it's kind of like dancing with Dad.  Want to do it right.  Dancing with the people that come to class with me is like dancing with my kid brothers, if I had some.  No big deal.  I am proud of myself for going and participating.  Gold star, now.

baloney

well, it's now, and I don't feel like going to the dance.  I can go next Sunday because I don't have clients on Monday morning.  I feel lame about it, but not so lame that I want to get in the car and go.  progress, not perfection.  not sure where the progress is, there, but I am sure there will be some.

walked

Took Hank in the baby jogger to Town Lake this morning.  Thought about all my old running partners, regular and occasional.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  It was pleasant because it stayed cloudy the whole time.  There was a parade down Congress as we were crossing - Texas Independence Day.  There was a group on horseback dressed like Confederate soldiers with a Confederate flag.  Really, guys?  Was the flag necessary?  Can't we just know you're Civil War, and if we're interested we can come up and ask you which side you were on?  Ironically, they were right behind the huge black guys in customized pickup trucks group.  They were actually the only ones who greeted us.  I did get the impulse to run a few times, but I was wearing my very heavy MBT's, and they are not so great for running.  Talked with MA on the phone the other day, and she is training for IM CDA, again.  I was SO glad I am not.  I did enjoy it most of the time when I was doing it, but it also seems a little bit like drinking.  I was in pursuit of fun, but how much actual fun did I have?  More fun exercising for sure than with drinking, but there were plenty of times when it felt like a have to, not a get to.  I think the focus on the now is a good tool to use when I am paralyzed by agoraphobia.  There are no what ifs to leaving the house.  It's just leaving the house.  I guess the now is more salient for me than one step or one day at a time because I know that after one step is another and another.  There was a guy at Cornerstone who used to say, yes, stay sober for one day at a time, but we really mean the rest of your life.  Now, I want to stay sober for the rest of my life, but thinking about any other area of the rest of my life can be daunting.  Hank ate 2x last night.  Once when I came to bed and once in the middle of the night.  One hour I had to cuddle him and rock him to keep him asleep.  He wants to nurse when I hold him.  Tonight I am going to that Salsa workshop, then staying for the social dance.  Now, I am enjoying some pasta and answering all my emails.  Hank is asleep on his tummy with his rear end up in the air.  He often wakes up crawling, and if he is very sleepy, he lies right back down and puts his head down, but his butt doesn't always make it back down.

Hello, world

Haven't written in a while.  Busy with Hank, work, the house, etc.  Hank went to 4 hours of BokerTov (Mother's Day out) this week.  He will go for 13 weeks.  He cries when I leave, but they said only for a minute or two.  We are off letting him cry by himself.  We each tried it a couple of times for 5 minute increments.  It did not feel right to me, and after rereading parts of the Attachment Parenting book I feel affirmed it is not right for us.  Brad is putting him to sleep tonight and tomorrow night.  And we're going to try to close the all-night café.  I am fine with continuing nursing before his 2 naps for a while longer.

Had a little breakthrough with relaxing my arms in my dance lesson last time and tonight. Went to my first social dance on my birthday.  I stayed out until 10 pm!  I am going tomorrow night to a workshop then social dance at 7:30.  It will be much easier to leave the house for a 7:30 class than an 8:30 lesson and 9 pm dance.  I did have fun at the dance, although afterwards I felt a little discombobulated, like what the heck were all those do-si-so's?  I also made a disclaimer to a guy I didn't know that I had only had 2 months of salsa 2.  He said, that's ok, because this is merengue.  haha.  Tonight I wanted to work on Rumba a little with DID, so we did.  He used the word "sultry."  I reiterated that I did not have any interest in being sultry.  He said I picked the wrong dance, and I guess I looked shocked because he backed off a little.  He said in social dancing Rumba you don't have to be all that sultry, it's just that you have time to move your hips and settle into that contraindicated locked knee with all your weight on it.  I hope me and all these dancers aren't sitting around the osteopathic clinic when we are 50 with osteo-arthritis in our knees.

We watched a little of Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now lecture on PBS last night.  Is it now?  There you go.  I wanted to go buy that book.  I haven't finished a New Earth, yet, so that seems to miss his point.  I did enjoy Hank extra today by continuing to ask myself the question, is it now? when my mind wandered in to the future.  Wandering into the past is not usually painful for me.  I like to look at it and know it's over, good or bad.  Wandering into the future is rarely fun.  His point is, joy is now.  You might miss some present joy if you don't spend your time in now.  Makes sense.  ALL my anxiety is in the future.  Seems like an easy way to stay happy.  Stay out of the future!!!  It's so seductive, though.  What if?  What if?  What if?  Is it now?

Yes, it is.

yes, I am on facebook

Meredith Miller Hodgkinson.  I am on facebook, and FYI, I joined when it was just us college kids.

I have stayed up late almost every night this week.  That is crazy.

Be my friend!

don't worry, just need to vent

Cried today for the first time in about a year.  (Thank you SSRIs and dopamine agonists.)  After my dance lesson.  I don't really know why, except that I still can't relax my fucking arms.  Excuse my French, kids.  I think I am relaxing, then DID tells me to "settle."  I sent him a fb message today that basically said, you may or may not want to know all this, but blah...I don't dance, I don't relax, I have made TONS of progress (spiritually, in terms of getting closer to relaxing), it's nothing you are doing specifically, I am very Victorian in terms of my body and touching other people, I am dancing 75% to make more spiritual progress and 25% for exercise, someday I will get the joy and freedom of flow.  I know when I bring my body, my mind follows.  I have proven that to myself many times.  I am probably existentially freaking out with Hank still weaning, I think I am about to start the lunar cycles, again, and holy cow, what is up with the run on sentences.  Yesterday, in salsa class I felt pretty darn joyful most of the time.  For some reason, I was sleepy at 9:15 when I got home, hungry, so I ate, and then awake until MIDNIGHT.  Holy cow.  Might as well just go for non sequiturs and no paragraphs.  Dance Instructor Tommy said I had a pretty voice.  That was very sweet.  He is a very nice person.  DID is a nice person, but he never said anything to me about my music.  I guess he doesn't want to lie, but geez, he couldn't find a single nice thing to say?  Well, I fish.  I do.  It's born from insecurity.  Every time he tells me good, I have to say thank you, think thank you, and think, if you don't believe him, you are calling him a liar.  DID is not a liar, say thank you.  Yes, it takes a long time to go through this dispute every time.  It's one of Seligman's tactics to turn the frown upside down - dispute!  Experimented with putting Hank in the crib to sleep.  Brad got him to sleep in 15 minutes last night.  I tried with his nap this afternoon.  It was the saddest noise I have ever heard.  I went in 5 minute increments - leaving the room, sitting in the room and not talking, sitting in the room telling him he was ok but not looking at him, leaving the room talking to him.  Yeah, did not work for 30 minutes, then I gave up, and he didn't take an afternoon nap.  He had had a 10 minute cat nap in the car, and if he wakes from those, we are screwed.  I get to sleep until 5:30 tomorrow.  Woohoo!!!

making progress

Hank is making progress on sleeping without nursing.  Brad had to use the swing yesterday afternoon, but other than that, he falls asleep in the rocking chair or even better, rocking being held or after stopping nursing and just hanging out talking and waving.  The night before last he woke up and was crying and Brad wasn't able to calm him down so I gave it a shot.  I said hi, bunny.  He gave me a half awake and sad wave.  It was very sweet and cute and funny.

Went to 3 classes of free dancing on Saturday.  It was OK.  Very crowded, but nice people.  I got hypoglycemic during the 3rd class and had to leave early.  I kept wobbling every time I tried to turn.  I was afraid I had lost my turing ability yesterday at the beginning of class, but once I had a few tries at it, I got it back.  I took the intro to waltz and American tango.  Both of those were pretty fun because they travel around the room.  I wouldn't mind doing two-step or another traveling country dance, except I don't think I could stand listening to top-40ish country music.  If they had a 1950's-1970's country music dance class I would definitely go.

I am going to try to be comfortable and unnervous at the beginning of my lesson today rather than during the last 20 minutes.  Friday night I went to Drop in and Dance, merengue and salsa.  It was for very beginners, but was still fun.  I got to dance with DID several times.  

Getting my hair cut today for the first time in a year and a half.  I did cut my own bangs and had a very small trim in the middle, but I am hoping to get a great shorter haircut and donate my hair.  I found Pantene's Beautiful Lengths Campaign, which only needs 8 inches of hair.  Locks of Love requires 10".  I have done that one 2x, but it takes forever for me to get it that long and not end up Sinead O'Connored.  

Off to the J.

falling asleep

Making progress with Hank's naps and bedtime.  Have snuggled him to sleep for all his naps this week, and at night he is waking up less.  He's been doing the nurse, then lie back and babble to fall asleep at night.  That definitely seems like progress.  Been reading Dr Sears to figure our what will work for us.  Lots of fervent opinions on both sides.  Almost everyone I talk with says CIO (cry it out).  Dr Sears and the attachment people say, "you may have heard about CIO, and it didn't feel right to you."  My experience exactly.  I guess you can't ruin a baby if you act reasonably and out of love.  So, if we continue to opt out of CIO, he will have plenty of future opportunities for independence and self-soothing.  I just can't imagine without language and with the brain of a 1 year-old, that he could understand self-soothing or not be traumatized by us standing there or worse leaving him alone in a room to cry.  If anyone left me alone in a room to cry or didn't hug me while I was crying I would be seriously pissed.

Go Dance, among many other places, is having a free day of dance on Saturday, Jan 31.

where have I been?

haven't written down any of my delightfully eccentric thoughts in a few weeks.  last weekend had the flu.  it only lasted 3 days, but it was very unpleasant.  reminded me of withdrawal. recently, I was talking with someone about sleep deprivation.  being an expert on both sleep deprivation and hang-overs, I can say a large piece of discomfort and misery from a hangover is actually the lack of quality sleep.  (apparently, passing out, although mandatory after my drinking, felt like sleep, you don't get good REM sleep which is also mandatory.)

thank you, Jackie for your support re:nursing.  yesterday, for the first time, I didn't nurse Hank at all during the day.  I have to say they started to look fake by the end of the day.  he nursed for about 45 minutes at bedtime, then we snuggled without nursing, and he fell asleep.  if Brad snuggles him during the night, Hank wakes up less.  unfortunately, Brad is also sleep deprived, so he often doesn't wake up when Hank wakes up to eat, so he doesn't snuggle him post meal. 

have now gone to 1 month of salsa 2 class.  I like it.  yesterday, however, we did a move called the copa.  the dude swings the gal over so her back is to his side.  he is supposed to touch her waist and turn her back the other way in an inside turn (1.5 spins).  I think I have mentioned I wear as few clothes as possible to class - a t shirt and shorts.   only about 33% of the dudes found my waist.  the rest found my hip.  I don't really care, but HESUS KREESTO.  

getting more TMI, I may have mentioned I can now fit into my pre-maternity shorts and jeans. they used to be baggy and now are snugger but not in an 80's way.  I am happy for this progress and looking forward to/dreading a return to normal lunar cycles.  I am also afraid of this monumental movement of the earth, as I have had extremely unpleasant lunar cycles in the past without bc pills.  I'll just have to beg the ob for something stronger than advil but weaker than morphine.

yesterday in salsa class I found myself getting nervous, tensing up, and consequently messing up if I thought DID was looking at me.  of course, I did not actually use my eyes to see if my suspicion was correct, but in my peripheral vision, I could see his head was turned in my direction, and I am self-centered, so I assume he is looking at me, and not my dude or 2 other couples in our vicinity.  I have talked with a dude from Iowa State the past few weeks in class.  he is funny and nice and a good dancer.  I am so weird I want to express without flirting and without having to say I am married so as not to offend him by implying he is interested in me.  I do have intuition about these things, but it is clouded by paranoia and the emergence of my 13 year-old emotional self.  I do wear my wedding ring, which I love, but it is modest.  I don't want to wear my engagement ring because I don't want to cut someone's hand or face with my rock.

yes, much rambling. 

here's DID and me at the GoDance showcase.  I look like I am doing Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin.

ah, domesticity

HH is asleep in his swing, a brisket is cooking, I just cleaned the kitchen. So June Cleaver. Except I have a blog where nothing is sacred.

We saw Olympic gold medalist Garrett Weber-Gale at HEB on Red River. When we first saw him, he was on the phone.  So, I waited until he got off the phone to approach him and say, Hi, Olympic swimmer Garrett Weber-Gale.  (I couldn't remember off the top of my head how he fared at the Olympics - 2 gold medals).  He said Hank was very cute and also big - bigger than his Godson who is 7 months old, I think.  No offense, but he is much cuter in person than on TV. He's tall, of course, but he has a nice complexion and pretty eyes.  I told him Hank was going to be a swimmer because he has a long torso.  Then, I started to say and disproportionately short legs, but instead I remembered long arms.  Unfortunately, Hank's arms seem very short to me. When he raises his arms above his head he barely clears the top of his head.  I am sure this is normal for babies, but not ideal for a baby swimmer.

Yesterday I rocked Hank in the rocking chair for one nap, which seemed like a good compromise from nursing.  I am just at skipping one feeding a day and trying to give him real food as much as possible throughout the day.  It seems like he is nursing more during the night than before. That is ANNOYing, but I am sure it will pass.  So, we got our sweet time, but still stuck to the program.  

I heard about a funny website on the news.  cutethingsfallingasleep.org

PS  Happy birthday, Elvis.

doing great

I got a package from drugstore.com today.  I get baby wipes, Brad's protein bars, a beauty product on occasion, saline spray, etc.  I opened the box and pulled out a bottle of personal lubricant.  Hm, maybe they gave me a free sample.  Then I pulled out 3 packages of nicarette gum.  Oh, wrong address.  No, it's addressed to me on the outside of the box, but the invoice was addressed to a lady in Massachusetts.  She bought 2 bottles of personal lubricant, 3 boxes of nicarette gum, and a lipstick.  Yes, I am really grateful I don't have those problems: pale lips, cigarettes, and being personally lubed.

don't ask why

BH was extremely sweet last night when he got home from work.  He was later than usual, and I announced that the baby would not be getting a behavioral cue from me to assume catastrophy.  If he gets the biological, well, I'm sorry.  He also gets a biological dose of my wit.  But, I am not going to pass down assuming the worst.

Regardless of that comment, BH was extremely sweet, and my first thought is to ask, why were you so sweet.  I realize that is not going to come across as very sweet, and it is really irrelevant.  So, instead I will say, you were so sweet.  I felt very loved.  I still feel loved today.  And, not to be too new-agey, but I felt so much positive energy flowing from you.  I felt very positive, too.

I started reading this book The Way of the Superior Man.  I read on DID's facebook that it's one of his favorite books of all time, along with some other Man selfhelp-type books.  I looked at them on Amazon, and decided this might help me understand the XY's.  (Some women Amazon reviewers and on the jacket said it had been helpful to them.)  It is ok, but he repeats himself a LOT.  (YES, I do, too, but I am not writing a book, yet.)  He uses the word ravish WAY too much.  He calls the woman "your woman."  That one really bugs me.  And, his solution to the "crizaazzy, unpredictable, non-sensical, emotional woman," is simply to have sex with her.  Ravish, of course.  And he uses this phrase, "push your belly up against hers."  This brings to mind an image of a fat, hairy, sweaty belly mushing into this poor, beautiful woman's flat tummy.  I don't know why.  The good points are he suggests a man (and I would add, everyone) needs to connect with God or Universe or whatever, to determine his Purpose in life, beyond his career, his spouse, his kids.  I totally agree, and that is promised in the wedding vows we took.  Be you, with God, then be with me, then lets make kids out of our love.  And he suggests that if a man is spinning his wheels in career or especially if he is not connected to his purpose, everything else in his life will suffer. I think that taps into an archetypal concept to which I cannot relate, but am beginning to grasp, that a man feels he should be strong and competent for his family.  Whereas for a woman, the concept is the nurturer.  Off to teach, but more of my book review, later.

happy sad

I put Hank in the swing, gave him milk in a cup, and he is asleep.  For 25 minutes so far.  I can't believe I have never heard a mom talk about mourning weaning.  I know it doesn't mean he doesn't need me anymore.  And I still have 5-10 pounds of milk in my C's.  But it is the beginning of the end.  A good thing.  I would really like to walk through the sadness and joy at the same time without trying to distract myself or deny the "extreme emotional upheaval" I didn't believe the book about.  And, no, I personally don't want to nurse a baby who can unbutton my shirt, but I do not have judgement for someone who does.  I am almost back to my fighting weight, although my old jeans STILL do not fit.  Also, OK.  I hate to have to give the C's back, anyway.

Now, I can write those 2 books  I have had in mind for the past 10 years.

yesterday today

yesterday, woke up feeling freaked out for no reason about nothing.  walked through the morning as if all was calm, and it passed.  this morning feel calm and optimistic, but I woke up about 3:30 am.  I stared at the kid for about 30 minutes, then decided to get up and list more crap on eBay and craigslist.  I am about to go ride the spin bike.  

I MISS DID and dancing.  New classes don't start until Jan.  The most recent DVD's I have gotten from Netflix are stinky.  I did get a Salsa CD for Xmas, so I danced some to that.  It is fast, however, and my turns stink at anything faster than 60 bpm.  I exaggerate.  

watched Gone Baby Gone over the weekend.  it was good.  that little Casey Affleck is his own man.  doesn't turn me on like bb Ben, but few do.

new year's eve

I have never gotten along with new year's eve.  For a while it was mutual hatred, expensive dry- cleaning bills and broken hearts.  Now, we live with mutual civility, but we keep our distance.  The first few new year's eves I remember were the dick clark ball-dropping extravaganzas.  big whoop. now, I am sleepy.  then, all of the sudden my expectations sky-rocketed to untenable heights fueled by John Hughes movies where the mildly attractive girl ends up with the hunk she hardly knows.  we all know how ugly it got when I had my own fuel, so I won't go there.  in sobriety, I have tried to sneak into the new year, pretended nothing would be different the next day.  (psst...nothing was different.)  now, I acknowledge it's coming.  just try to be grateful and stay in today.  it just bugs me, that, before one holiday is over, planning for the other one is already in the works.  at least it is at Walgreen's.

I'm 13

I turned 13, yesterday.  In some ways, I feel 13.

I miss DID and my dancing classes.  I tried some DVD's I had recorded from Netflix today, but they are not even close to dancing with DID or even some of my classmates.  Last time I went to Salsa class, I was very impressed with the progress some of my fellow beginners had made.  Classes don't start, again, until the beginning of the year.  Boo.  I have not yet raised enough capital from eBay to buy more lessons, either.  Double boo.  Maybe Santa coming to everyone will trickle down to mon store.

It kind of bugs me on a deep level that in dancing women follow and men lead, but at the same time, it doesn't bother me at all.  One of my classmates, Catfish, asked me if I wanted to lead.  I said yes.  He thought that was hilarious.  But, why can't we take turns leading?

I am watching It's a Wonderful Life for the 1000th time.  It never gets old to me.

I have written all my thank you notes for Christmas gifts.  I am going to have an open house in January, and I need to send out invites to that.

non sequiturs

I am feeling freaked out for no reason re:Christmas.

We are starting to wean Hank.  It's going to take a while.  

I am bummed I won't have any dance lessons or classes for a while - at least until after the new year.  I have clearance, however, to move into Salsa II and Cha Cha II group classes.  I am very excited.

I am selling some old concert tshirts on eBay.  I have already sold 2 for the sum of $60, total.  This is probably a net of $20, which, with inflation is probably a net of $0.  But, I have made a Japanese boy and a German girl happy with some 1980's garb.

I LOVE the cold weather.  I have been hot since about 3 months gestation with Hank.  I used to always be cold.  Now, I can walk around the 68˙ house with my tank top, shorts, and knee socks on.

Jesse's girl

I feel so dirty when I hear them talking cute.

I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot.

everyone loves DID

I am now facebook friends with Dance Instructor David.  He has the great company of Michael Phelps, Jessica Hardy, other Olympians I don't know, and some actual friends.  Judging from DID's wall, he has a large following of women who like/love him.  I have to say I am one of them, in the brotherly way, of course.  I think that dancing holds at least 2 or 3 layers of onion that will someday be peeled away.  Oh, what a large onion I have.  I think I am just now beginning to reveal the 1st of the 3 dancing layers, but I do feel like I am making progress, physically and spiritually.  Maybe someday I will be able to watch myself in the mirror, dancing, with him in the room, watching, and not hide behind shyness or fear of looking foolish.  Maybe someday.  The other great news is I may be ready for Salsa II.  Oh, boy!!!

recurring dream

The only recurring dream I used to have was the high school and naked or pajamas or I have to go back even though I have a PhD, graduated high school, etc.

I have been having this dream lately where I am somewhere, and I am trying to leave, and I keep going in all these wrong doors.  [Trying to leave using the wrong door.  I wonder where I am trying to leave.]  

Last night I dreamed I was trying to leave my dance place (didn't at all look like my dance place.)  I keep going through door after door.  I finally get to what looks like the foyer.  I finally get outside and am looking for where I parked my mom's car.  I keep looking and looking down each side street I think I parked on, but I can't find it.  I try the keyless entry to get it to honk.  I do that a few times.  Suddenly alarms go off and everyone is running around.  Turns out, the car had a few packaged of microwave popcorn inside.  Apparently, the horn honking set the popcorn popping.  There is much ado about this.  Lots of smoke.  Lots of popcorn in the parking garage where I parked it.  I have some friends sneak me into the garage because we think the garage attendants will try to detain me.  Some guy participant tries to pick a fight with me.  I call the police and they detain him.  My "friends" all get in my car with all the popcorn and insist it would be better if they took my keys and cell phone, drive by and pick me up later.  OK.  Takes me a long time to get out of the garage.  Deep wells and crazy staircases.  I sneak out with some other track teams because suddenly I am with a lot of runners.  I walk and walk thinking they will come by and pick me up.  I am thirsty.  Find some punk rock kids with a lemonade stand.  Drink a large glass.  Lie down and rest.  Then, it's night time and I am in the middle of a bar/music festival.  Some nice people buy me a drink.  I think, well, I have been sober almost 13 years, but a few sips will be ok.  [I get that one, I am coming up on my bday, and I usually have some drinking dreams, prior].  Finally, the festival is over.  We get to leave.  I walk against the foot traffic.  Past the drag queen group, past a group dressed like scary devil people who talk like teenagers (giggly).  I decide to help them clean up the festival by dragging long boards and sorting them into piles by size.  [Totally lost with these].  Looking for my dancing teacher/Mr. Walsh, my 9th grade American history teacher, who is very sought after by lusty women, not by me per se.  Can't find him.  Alarm goes off.

Seeking GM

Seeking G any color  married or single M to Latin dance with me.

not going to be perfect, yet

I was a little disappointed with myself after my lesson today with DID.  I realized on the way home that, although one expects excellence from oneself, it does not mean that one will achieve instant excellence.  DID said if dancing were easy, everyone would do it.  I am getting hung up in some cha cha moves.  I do feel successful with my salsa, so far.  I am trying to persuade BH to accompany me to salsa class on Sunday.  I went to rumba class last night.  It was very challenging to get myself to go at 7 pm, but once I was on my way, I was happy to be going.  I would have bet our lottery winnings that my instructor was gay.  He is engaged to a woman.  What has happened to my 7th sense?  I enjoyed feeling like one of the coolest people in the room.  On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is the least dorky, and 10 is the most dorky, I usually feel like I hover around a 6 or 7.  Last night, I was definitely a 1 or 2.  They are all extremely sweet, however, and I greatly enjoy the company of dorks.  I have a new friend named Catfish.  He swims at Barton Springs most days.  I made him laugh by telling him the hard time I have being a follower is rooted in feminism.  I thought it was mildly amusing, and I certainly am the one who thinks I am extremely hilarious, but Catfish out-enjoyed my wit.  I was going to go to the salsa/merengue open house, but it starts and 7:30, I got up at 4, and I am too tired.  I was thinking meringue was spelled with an i, but that is the dessert.  The dance has e's.

As usual, I ramble.  Peace.

Dear P-e Obama

Dear President-elect Obama,

I love you.  I am so excited about the next eight years, your cabinet, the US behaving ethically on the world stage, a NCAA football championship playoff series, and the change in DC that will surely manifest under your leadership.

However, I urge you to add a comma to your slogan.  Yes, we can.

Yes, we did.  Yes, you are awesome.

Let's change Washington DC, not the King's English.

Love, Meredith

turn down the volume

but watch these videos

Bouncey Seat

TG

what the hell?

Texas is going to watch 2 teams we BEAT play for the Big XII championship.  See, God does not watch NCAA football.

on Broadway

Now that I am learning to dance, there's no stopping me from realizing my dream of playing Anita in West Side Story.  Hey, if Natalie Wood can play a chica, so can yo.

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.  Ours was mellow and very pleasant.

The kid wore his official TG onesie along with some brown pants to make the outfit a little more formal.

I am trying slideflickr, again.

Funny

SNL Auto Bailout

Revised link

for the agnostics

Obama is our President-elect.

OU beat Texas Tech.

Do you still doubt God is taking care of the Universe?

Would I ever think I would be rooting for Oklahoma?  Is that how to spell rooting as in cheering for?

No, I don't think God watches NCAA football.  If God did watch NCAA football, we would have a National Championship game, and Texas would win every year.  That would get boring.

Some large bundle of joy wanted to practice crawling at about 2:30 am.  I watched the end of Legally Blond because I couldn't get back to sleep.  I had never seen it.  The last 30 minutes were plenty.  Brad and I also decided we definitely need another baby for winter because it's not fair for the other person whoever gets the mini-furnace.

Still working on Huck Finn.  Sum times I rully hev to thank bout wut ol' Jim is sayun.

Group Salsa class #2 this afternoon.  I have my final private lesson with DID on Wednesday.  He did try to sell me more lessons which kind of irritated me.  I know he has to, but still, he should be a little more intuitive about to whom he does the pitching.  I think I am going to take some more in short sucession, then stick with 1 group class a week.  Last week we did Cha Cha and Rumba.  Rumba is ok, except it's "sensual" and "showcases the woman."  I am not very interested in either one of those things.  I like the mental challenge of the new steps, however.

He demonstrated that many dances can be danced to non-Latin music by playing some Al Green.  "Have you heard this song before?"  Please, DID.  I was dancing to Al Green before you were born.

I am selling some junk on eBay to pay for my lessons.  It would probably be more time-efficient to give the stuff to Goodwill and try to get some more clients.  But, for some reason, it is very satisfying to me to sell the stuff - it gets rid of it, and I have some cold, hard Paypal cash out of the deal.

Lastly, I went to PT Tim at Dr. Spears'.  I had another cortisone shot.  Did I mention that?  My deQuervain's came back with avengeance after I didn't do what he said.  Anyway, PTT was awesome.  Said it probably had a C6 component - radial nerve.  He was very correct.  I already feel LOTS better.  And, he concurred re: hormonal component.  Still nursing my bundle.  Who would have thought that, either?  It's going great, and it's good for him, and I am home to do it, so why not?

We got our digital TV converter box.  Only $5 with our government coupon.  Thanks, government for keeping our TV on!

123 567

Went to my first group salsa class at Go Dance.  It was fun.  Brad does not have to worry that I will run off to Mexico with any of my dance partners, but it was fun.  I have my 3rd private lesson with Dance Instructor David on Wednesday. 

Re: DWTS: DID said Cody Linley did better than Maurice Greene.  Some people think Warren Sapp will win.  While I enjoy his performances, I think Brooke Burke will win, and I shall vote for her this week and next.

Should have been Cody Linley!

but instead, it was Maurice Greene.  Mostly, I will miss seeing Cheryl Burke, but I grew to like Maurice Greene.  I used to think of him as a self-important sprinter.  Not that that opinion was founded in reality.

Did I mention I took my first salsa and cha cha lesson with dance instructor David at GoDance? Yes. I think I did.  I have my second lesson today!

now, awake

I was sleepy from about 2 pm until 7 pm.  Now, I am wide awake.  Knowing I need to get up at 4:30 to leave for the J at 5:15.  Fortunately, I can probably take a nap tomorrow.

I joined a site BH turned me onto.  RememberTheMilk.  You can make lists of projects and things you need to do.  We were using OmniOutliner, but this is web-based, so you can access it at all times!

I am liking web-based storage like Flickr and YahooMail, too.  Let them store it, and let me access it from wherever.

I am going to start Johnny Tremain and hope it makes me sleepy!

BH and TH started working on our silver picture frame project.  I need to find pictures to fill them, now.

OK, get sleepy!!!

Inspiring Book

I just finished reading The Braindead Megaphone: Essays by George Saunders.  It inspired me to get started writing the book I have been thinking about for several years, now.  I opened a new Word document today, but was distracted by the software update, then by my darling Hank, who only took 1 nap today!!!

Didn't go to my group dancing classes today.  Partly because I was feeding and consoling a teething Hank, and partly because I was afraid.  I am going to see if I can take my unlimited month of group classes in January.

BH and TH have worked tirelessly in the yard since TH arrived.  It looks awesome.  They figured out how to inexpensively and effectively screen in our new porch.  They just left for Target to buy baby proofing.  I don't care what everyone says about BH; he's good people.  Just kidding.  Everyone, including me, knows he is wonderful.

I loved the Saunders book.  I actually took the recommendation of Amazon after buying a book of Raymond Carver short stories.  The Saunders book is one of the best books I have ever read.

It was insightful, funny, and overwhelmingly honestly introspective.  It reminded me of Anne Lamont, but he covers many more topics and is hilarious in many different ways.

I now want to read Johnny Tremain and Huck Finn.  I was supposed to have read Huck Finn in high school, but I don't think I read much of it.

I wish TH would move here.  It's so great to see BH giddy and enjoying doing things with TH.

They are both such loners.  I should know because I am, too.  Although pregnancy and postpregnancy hormones have brought out my attaching side.

I have another private dance lesson on Wednesday.  It's fun.  I have been tapping more.  I am getting better.  I think it's just like triathlon training.  Yes, there is some cross-over with coordination, but the specificity principle still applies.  If you want to get better at distance running, you need to distance run.  If you want to get better at tapping, you have to tap.

Unfortunately, it's kind of LOUD.

Happy Days Are Here, Again!

1. Thank you, USA!!!

2. My new obsession is ballroom dancing.  Of course, Dancing with the Stars.  I am now MySpace friends with a few of the pros on the show.  Awesome.  I took my first lesson at Go Dance on Wednesday.  It was so fun.  We did salsa and cha cha.  I have also been doing the DWTS Cardio Dance video.  It's a lot of fun.  And, I've been doing my Louis McKay Tap Notes video.  Also very fun!  It's kind of loud, though.  

baby songs

Baby, It's You

Baby, Come Back

Baby, Let Me Follow You Down

Here Comes My Baby

Baby, We're Really in Love

Baby's in Black

Baby, Now that I've Found You

Everybody's Trying to Be My Baby

Baby Love

I Can't Quit You Baby

Please Call Me, Baby

Baby, Let's Play House

Baby Boy

More?

To Palin

\'pal-in\  verb

To speak using folksy colloquialisms and vague, political talking points to avoid answering a question

kettle bell train

BH has gotten me on the kettle bell train.  He bought 3 that are almost too heavy for me to lift once, but I bought one that is 5 lbs.  Yes, that is very light, but it's good for me to learn how to do the exercises with a light one.  I think my clients will enjoy the variety.  I also rented a great kick-boxing video - Kimberly Spreen - from Netflix.  She has a segment in which she uses a body bar kind of like a light saber/some kind of martial art blocking/attack stick.  I don't know how to describe it except that it's fun and similar in principle to the kettle bell.  You move the weight and allow momentum to be part of the movement, but also keep it in control.

A few of my boot campers told me the last couple of boot camps have been too easy.  I always feel very defensive when I hear that.  As my defense, I think it all of the sudden got cooler, and what had us dying in 80˙ heat with 80% humidity is not very challenging when it's dry and cool.  But I am definitely going to "bring it," as the kids say, to the next class.

LM and I have walked several mornings in a row.  I was just walking with Hank in the baby bjorn, but now I have added 2x2lb ankle weights and 2x1lb hand weights.  Oh, yeah.  26 extra pounds.  

I have a hypothesis regarding 3 groups of postpartum mothers: group A - no exercise, group B - exercises alone, group C exercises with the baby out among people.  I think there would be statistically significant differences in ppd, and I would even say happiness, between the 3 groups.  When we walk with Hank, especially when he has his sunglasses on, we have about 99% smile/greeting rate.  When I walk alone, I have about a 50%  smile/greeting rate.  And, of course, if you are home alone, no one is smiling at you, except the baby after about 3 months.  It seems to me that we already know exercise attenuates or effectively treats depression, but I think the added social, positive reinforcement would add another level away from depression/towards happiness.  Probably not too controversial, but would be interesting to quantify. 

the good ol' days

when you suggest to someone from the previous generation that some child care practices have changed in the past 20-60 years, you are often met with defensiveness.  E.g.  you might hear something like, "well, when you were a baby we fed you asbestos right out of the can, and look, you're fine, now."

WAY less zeal

I have to listen to the advice I often give, that is, if an obsessive thought enters one's mind, one gently remind oneself to let it go. I also know about myself, when someone tells me something they think I am doing wrong, especially when it seems completely out of the blue to me, I am extra sensitive. Also, when I think I am doing something well, and then someone tells me I am doing it wrong, I am extra sensitive. People are doing the best they can at the moment, including me and including the person doing the telling. The key to the reminding to let it go is the gently part. When I talk to myself in a voice that says, "you idiot," it's not very helpful.
Going to do a 4:30 run with Marie this morning before bootcamp. Our first since we were about 3 months prego.

not as much zeal

We did leave the house today, first for a walk during which Hank was not too happy, then fell asleep about 15 minutes before we got home. He woke up at 5:40 this morning. Early, for him.
Then we picked up my fixed computer. A new, big HD and more RAM. A LOT less expensive than getting a new computer.
BH thinks an iPhone is too expensive. I hope I can take the gift certificate back.
Tomorrow, we are going to visit DJ and back to L&E's to use my Dad's 10.5 CD and scan some things. I have a scanner, too, but I might as well do it over there.
Hank stood up today several times by sitting behind his plastic Einstein thing. It was for the sole purpose of eating the top of the Einstein. I went into to the kitchen from the den, which is essentially the same room, and when I came back, he was standing there with his lips sticking out, standing, slightly bent over going for the green thing on top. There is not anything he doesn't want to eat these days. The other day he wanted to eat the window, so I let him. It was a little dusty, but not anymore.

Happy Bday, BH; Happy New Year, J friends!

9/29 BH is 37. LM and EBM and I got him an iPhone. He would not tell me anything he wanted, but that gift occurred to me, and he seemed like he liked it. I made salmon and brussel sprouts and brownies for dinner and a whole bunch of scrambled eggs and quinoa, separately for his lunches.
It is funny how one marries one's mother or father. I am awake, now because he woke me up with his snoring. (I think they would all be surprised to hear I see many similarities between the three of them - my parents and BH). I beat him to sleep, which my mom also says helps her, but I couldn't get back to sleep. BH and my dad are quick to remind my mom and me that we snore. We don't deny we do, and I will gladly change positions to stop. When I was pregnant, there was no position in which I didn't snore. That snoring was due to fluid retention. Usually, my snoring is due to sinus congestion. I know this is so mundane. I just ramble to entertain myself until I get sleepy enough again that I can sleep through snoring..

I enjoyed the process today with Hank. We left the house THREE times. I didn't fall asleep when he napped, but once I cuddled with him and the other time just sat in the room with him doing other things. I read most of the Attachment Parenting book. It made me wish I had worn him more as an infant. I also wish I had embraced the cosleeping thing earlier. I didn't want to sleep touching him when he was an infant because I thought it would be bad if he got used to sleeping while cuddled (beware baby trainers). It makes sense to cuddle a baby while he sleeps ESPECIALLY when he is tiny. Progress not Perfection. The other suggestion in the book that resonated with me was, "don't think about all the things you should be doing while you are nursing your baby (or doing whatever with baby)." Illegal! He said it's fine to make a list, but you are not allowed to worry about finishing it, and you should just enjoy the sweet time with baby. The dishes will get done later.

I saw a segment of an extremely heartbreaking story on Oprah, a family addicted to heroin - the parents and 2 teenaged sons. They also had a 13 month old baby. That story is one of the most tragic I have heard. I speculate Oprah will receive many requests to adopt that baby. She offered each of them treatment in a separate facility, including travel and the cost of treatment, if they would each call to express their desire to go within 24 hours.

I get my computer back tomorrow. We are also stopping by the condo to get the mail and check in. Wednesday we are going to visit DJ in the hospital. She is getting a bionic knee. I am proud of myself for going to the hospital to see Courtney. I used to do lots of things like that, without fanfare, but I have mentioned that I have felt like doing NOTHING or going ANYWHERE for more than a year. I hope this turn for the better (normal) is an upward spiral I can keep riding. I like the gets out and does nice things for people Meredith. I guess my next goal should be makes social engagements and keeps them. The integrity Meredith.

OK, I am going to shoot for sleep, again.

Shana Tovah!

itchy skin disease

On my right, proximal, posterior forearm, I occasionally get what I call itchy skin disease. I went to the dermatologist thinking it was something on my skin, but she said it's just an upstream sensory nerve needlessly firing, and that area is the area it innervates. She said it only happens in people with muscular arms. Guilty as charged.
It woke me up this morning. The hydrocortisone cream she gave me did nothing to keep it from itching. I am now doing some cryo-therapy on it. When I had that stress fracture in my fibula, before I knew it was a stress fracture, I accidentally gave myself frostbite on my shin by leaving this ice pack on it too long. It made that skin numb, though, and I am thinking it would be awesome if my forearm skin went numb right about now.

My computer has been dead for a while. I finally took it in to get a new hard drive because being computerless was making me anxious. Being cut off from the world via technology is something some people have a hard time with. Apparently, I am one of those people. Isn't that interesting. I am trying to quit shoulding all over myself.
I have been feeling, off and on since I got pregnant with Hank, like not doing ANYTHING. It is getting better lately, but while I was sitting in the anxiety of being computerless, I couldn't make myself take the initiative to go get it fixed. I was so proud of myself on Friday for getting out with Hank and running a few errands. Seems like a given, and I never knew I had that kind of agoraphobia, but apparently it's a tendency of mine. When I talk to myself about it, it usually starts like, "geez, you really need to go do___. Just go do it. I don't feel like it. Well, you are lazy, then. I am tired. Other people have babies and aren't tired. Other people leave the house. Self, stop shoulding all over me. It's ok. Just do the next 5 minutes. You're right, I'm sorry. I am always right. Hello."

Had a bad sinus infection last week. It was the first time I have been sick since I was pregnant. It must have been at least a year ago. That's pretty good. Went to the doctor a little late in the illness, and she gave me augmentin, an antibiotic. I usually have an iron stomach when it comes to medicine, but it made me very sick. I couldn't sleep and was very nauseated. I thought I was back to normal the next day, so I went to Central Market. While I was in line being talked to by this hippie who was admiring Hank, I got vasovagal and had to get out of line and go sit down. A Central Market employee was extremely nice and gave me a bag of ice and a free, giant bottled water (score!) and loaded my groceries. He even offered to drive me home. The ice and the car a/c made me feel much better, and I was able to drive home fine. These two little old ladies came up and were trying to entertain Hank while he was still sitting in his floppy in the cart, but he is just starting to get stranger anxiety, and when they tried to pick him up out of the cart, he started crying. It was funny how I snapped out of feeling nauseated to soothe him. Not like lifting a car off your kid or anything, but the same principle, I think.

LM and EB are in Red River. Be jealous!

Two new babies recently - William (Will). I think his middle name is Thomas.
And John Hudson (Hudson). Both very cute. Both born by c-section, and both moms are recovering well. C-section babies do come out already looking cute because they aren't squished at all. Of course, Hank was cute even squished, but some babies it takes a couple of days to get cute. These guys were cuties from the first minute!
One more baby coming in November in my circle. And hopefully a Hazel or Hannah or Hayle or Hughes sometime in the works within the year.

cool morning in Dallas

It was in the upper 60's this morning before I woke up.
I think Hank woke up before I did because I woke up to his pulling my hair, and I think he had been talking to me before that. It was 8 am!!! Extremely late for me.

I think warrantless wiretapping should be called unwarranted wiretapping.
Thank God I fell asleep before Palin talked last night. I would have had to clean up WAY too much puke.

Today Lana and Ernie have been married 43 years. Congratulations! i hope Brad and I make it that long. Just kidding. I know we will. He is an awesome husband and an awesome dad. We just had our 6 year anniversary in August. We didn't do anything to celebrate it, really. Well, we bought a giant, comfortable mattress. That was a celebration in itself. It is the most awesome mattress of all time. The other person can be doing kickboxing on his side of the bed, and you can't feel it on your side.
The other day, however, my wonderful husband had his feet where my head goes. That is a totally Monk no no of mine that I have had as long as I can remember. No feet in the vicinity of where any other body part goes, particularly not the head. But, I averted the crisis by just changing my pillow cases. Whew. I know we are going to make it.

who are these nutcases?

Watched the Democratic convention coverage on PBS. Jim Lehrer led the commentary, which I thought was pretty benign. Making myself watch the Republican convention to check up on the biases of PBS. The governor of Maryland spoke in support of McCain. I can't believe a black man would be a Republican. I really can't believe anyone would be a Republican, but especially people who are disenfrachised by Republicans. Who are these poor, deluded people chanting "drill baby, drill"? (Off-shore drilling would make 0 difference in gas prices until McCain was finished with his term, and even then, it would be an irrelevant, regressive drop in the bucket). Huckabee? Romney? Reallly? No, we can't! No, we can't!
Romney talked about family values, sex, drugs... Palin's daughter is "choosing" to keep her baby. She gets to choose because we still have a right to choose.
Lastly, it is SO bizarre Fred Thompson postured that McCain is anti-government establishment. The Republican party is the establishment reasonable people are trying to undo, not vice versa. Fred Thompson also used the phrase "angry left." I didn't feel angry until he used that phrase, then I felt disgusted.
It was only 78 when we got to Dallas today. We waited 2 hours in Jarrell to have a flat tire changed. Fortunately it was only about 80, there. Going to clean out more of Lana and Ernie's house.
I wish people would say, "God bless humans" instead of "God bless America." Or, "God bless the earth." Why just bless us? We need God to bless everyone so we can all get along. Do they think God is listening, was thinking about blessing everything and everyone, but instead decides then only to bless the US? Plus, are they asking God to bless North and South America, or do they just mean the US. Does that include Canada? What about Puerto RIco and Guam? God bless the Universe.

misc

Some Focus on the Family freaks prayed for rain to rain out the last night of the Democratic convention (in the outdoor stadium). When you ask God to do something mean to other people, God does something mean to you. Or actually, to the disenfranchsed people you exploit or use at your convenience (e.g. Katrina/Gustav victims). Consequently, no one spoke at the Republican convention today. The moral is, "focus on your own damn family."

Speaking of the exploited, Brad and I watched Fast Food Nation, the fictional narrative based on the non-fiction book about the fast food industry, illegal immigrant workers, poor kids from small towns, and the reason you will never want to eat another fast food hamburger, again. The movie was VERY depressing. I think it might have been more depressing than say, Schindler's List. While SL was extremely depressing and sad, at least there was a small glimmer of hope (Schindler and the list). The plight of these folks is endless and hopeless and cycles for generations. Very very dark.

Enjoyed seeing Brad for an extra day this weekend. Wednesday, the kid and my parents and I are going to Dallas to do another round of clean up and clean out in their house.

Lastly, I got the oil changed on Brad's truck this morning at the Jiffy Lube where we always go - Lamar at around 34th. As I was leaving, the young, attractive, African-American chap that performed the oil change for "my husband's truck," said, "you got some guns, too." I can only speculate that what he meant by "too" was that in addition to having my oil changed, I also have large biceps muscles. I am not sure, however.

names for the record

Just want to put these out as possible future Hodgy's

Bradley Hughes

Laure -it's not an H, but I just saw a French woman swimmer with the name.  Pretty.

Hannah Louise

Hazel June

Loving watching the American swimmers "kick bottom" as Mr. Monk would say.  Loved seeing Phelps win that 400 IM gold.  WOW.  Interesting how he and other freestylers "lope."  Glad to see Katie Hoff medal in 400 IM, but hope she gets gold in the 400 free.  She may already have, and I am watching on delay, but I just saw her kick bottom in her prelim heat.  Now, she goes straight to that final, no semis for 400 free.

Hank is screeching at the top of his lungs for his own enjoyment.  The first 1000 times he did it, it was cute, but now Mommy is getting a headache.  He's asleep at the moment.  I slept with him for a while.  I REALLY want a king size mattress so we can all sleep together for a while.  I don't know how we'll ever get him out of the bed, but he sleeps through the night when he sleeps in the bed with me.  Only wakes up once, maybe twice.  in the bassinet he wakes up 3-5 times.  Boo.