Dreamed Brad and I bought a house that had a zoo. We found out one of the male, carnivorous cats had eaten the husband who used to live in the house. They let all the animals out regularly to roam the property. We were very appalled by the practice and couldn't believe they hadn't euthanized the tiger. We decided we would keep all the animals locked in their very comfortable and large enclosure, from now on. Then maybe we would be able to keep the tiger, but maybe not. There were a lot of empty salt water habitats. We also went to the family's other residence and it had lots of moldy, supposedly green appliances and a gym that was partly underwater. There was a weird tight rope thing that would drop you if didn't make it across.
PS I don't think I even ever reveal half of my inner most thoughts and feelings to you, world. There is much left unsaid. That's in a different book or not at all.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Another one?
When the wolf knocks on the door the first time, the piggies have to run or get eaten. The third time the wolf knocks on the door, don't give him a key or even a copy of the key, protect the piggies, then get everybody out of there!
If everyone acted exactly the way I wanted them to, all the time, why would I ever seek God? Their "misbhavior" drives me out of the way so God can do God's job.
Because humans are imperfect, their blessings are imperfect. The blessings they bring may come in the form of pain and suffering.
Opinions are like fingernails: everyone has them. Sometimes they look beautiful, and sometimes we need a manicure.
In case you missed this one below: Dear Blessings, it is unnecessary for you to come dressed in a disguise. In fact, your disguise is annyoing. Next time, just come dressed as you are, a Blessing!
My new favorite song: Caroline by Brandi Carlisle. I love her voice, the melody, and the piano. And the arrangement. It's super catchy - warning.
OK, read then sleep then Lindy!!!
If everyone acted exactly the way I wanted them to, all the time, why would I ever seek God? Their "misbhavior" drives me out of the way so God can do God's job.
Because humans are imperfect, their blessings are imperfect. The blessings they bring may come in the form of pain and suffering.
Opinions are like fingernails: everyone has them. Sometimes they look beautiful, and sometimes we need a manicure.
In case you missed this one below: Dear Blessings, it is unnecessary for you to come dressed in a disguise. In fact, your disguise is annyoing. Next time, just come dressed as you are, a Blessing!
My new favorite song: Caroline by Brandi Carlisle. I love her voice, the melody, and the piano. And the arrangement. It's super catchy - warning.
OK, read then sleep then Lindy!!!
Heysoos Kreesto
I can't believe I am still awake. TOO MUCH CAFFEINE. I am tired but not sleepy. Finished editing 2 papers for my Ugandan friend. I haven't danced, yet. Showered. Playing my guitar. Wrote on my notecards.
Here's my new blog idea. 365 days of hysterical thinking, grief, and joy.
Feeling your feelings and wallowing in self pity are 2 different things. They might look the same in a cross-sectional study, but they do not perform the same in a longitudinal study.
Here's my new blog idea. 365 days of hysterical thinking, grief, and joy.
Feeling your feelings and wallowing in self pity are 2 different things. They might look the same in a cross-sectional study, but they do not perform the same in a longitudinal study.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
I made it!
I left Austin around 3:30 and arrived in my room around 8:00 pm. May I remind you I am highly educated and sometimes pretty smart. The google map was lame, and I was lost in the most armpitty and seediest parts of Houston for about 1.5 hrs. I didn't start getting very fatigued until the end, however. Got to talk with my old sponsor on the phone. I updated my facebook status WAY too many times. I read a few of the affirmation/meditation cards I made last night. They are funny. I like them.
Sponsor made me feel SOOO apart of. I am not alone. Dopamine withdrawal! Get it from somewhere more adaptive. Yes, and it doesn't have to all make sense. Friend or me.
I really don't feel like doing anything right now, but there is a dance tonight, of course. I will have to leave my room at some point. : ) I REALLY like staying in hotel rooms.
PS I welcome all comments long or short.
Sponsor made me feel SOOO apart of. I am not alone. Dopamine withdrawal! Get it from somewhere more adaptive. Yes, and it doesn't have to all make sense. Friend or me.
I really don't feel like doing anything right now, but there is a dance tonight, of course. I will have to leave my room at some point. : ) I REALLY like staying in hotel rooms.
PS I welcome all comments long or short.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Recently received email
I get an email from this LifeCoaches thing - Bob Tschannen-Moran is a life coach. I thought it was particularly apropos this week. I am not angry, but I'm having a hard time with sadness and missing my friend. I know it's irrelevant, but I also think I am "right."
Here's what this guy said about forgiveness and fairness:
"Fairness. We know it's important because it's so primordial. "No fair!" is one of the earliest expressions of outrage mustered by young children, typically by the age of seven. In contrast to children between the ages of three and four, who are universally selfish, by the time children are seven or eight, they have developed a strong sense of equity. "One for me and none for you" just doesn't cut it any longer. Instead, they are keenly aware of whether or not they and their siblings, playmates, or classmates are being treated fairly.
When unfairness enters the picture, it's easy for children and adults alike to get very upset. Indeed, in its most extreme sense, perceived unfairness is the stuff that makes for wars. The whole notion of a "just war" is that it rights a wrong and follows certain rules of engagement (such as minimizing civilian causalities, which are perceived as being unfair compared to the treatment of enemy combatants).
In everyday interactions, a sense of unfairness can lead to grudges and general unhappiness. Some grudges are the stuff of legends: the house of Montague and Capulet (in Romeo and Juliet), the Jets and the Sharks (in West Side Story), and the Hatfields and McCoys (two feuding families in the West Virginia-Kentucky backcountry). Most grudges are privately held affairs, nurtured by gossip and enemy images. The longer and harder we hold on to them, the more miserable we become.
Perhaps that's why, when I searched on my Kindle for the word "forgiveness," it popped up most often in the books having to do with positive psychology and mindfulness. There is a connection between forgiveness and happiness. Listen to what two of the books had to say:
Sonja Lyubomirsky in The How of Happiness:
Here's what this guy said about forgiveness and fairness:
"Fairness. We know it's important because it's so primordial. "No fair!" is one of the earliest expressions of outrage mustered by young children, typically by the age of seven. In contrast to children between the ages of three and four, who are universally selfish, by the time children are seven or eight, they have developed a strong sense of equity. "One for me and none for you" just doesn't cut it any longer. Instead, they are keenly aware of whether or not they and their siblings, playmates, or classmates are being treated fairly.
When unfairness enters the picture, it's easy for children and adults alike to get very upset. Indeed, in its most extreme sense, perceived unfairness is the stuff that makes for wars. The whole notion of a "just war" is that it rights a wrong and follows certain rules of engagement (such as minimizing civilian causalities, which are perceived as being unfair compared to the treatment of enemy combatants).
In everyday interactions, a sense of unfairness can lead to grudges and general unhappiness. Some grudges are the stuff of legends: the house of Montague and Capulet (in Romeo and Juliet), the Jets and the Sharks (in West Side Story), and the Hatfields and McCoys (two feuding families in the West Virginia-Kentucky backcountry). Most grudges are privately held affairs, nurtured by gossip and enemy images. The longer and harder we hold on to them, the more miserable we become.
Perhaps that's why, when I searched on my Kindle for the word "forgiveness," it popped up most often in the books having to do with positive psychology and mindfulness. There is a connection between forgiveness and happiness. Listen to what two of the books had to say:
Sonja Lyubomirsky in The How of Happiness:
"What does forgiveness mean, and is it worthwhile to learn and practice it? Forgiveness may be the one factor that can disrupt the cycle of avoidance and vengeances in which we often find ourselves. Advocated by many, if not most, of the world's religions, forgiveness involves suppressing or mitigating one's motivations for avoidance and revenge (which often bring with them accompanying emotions of anger, disappointment, and hostility, and, ideally, replacing them with more positive or benevolent attitudes, feelings, and behaviors."
"Forgiveness is not reconciliation, pardoning, condoning, excusing, or denying the harm done. And the expression, "forgive and forget" is a misnomer since true forgiveness involves contemplating the injury at some length. How, then, do you know if you've forgiven someone? It's when you have experienced a shift in your thinking, such that your desire to harm that person has decreased and your desire to do him or her good (or to benefit your relationship) has increased."
"Forgiving is something that you do for yourself and not for the person who has wronged you. Clinging to bitterness or hate harms you more than the object of your hatred. (Buddha said, 'Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.') Empirical research confirms this insight. Forgiving people are less likely to be hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, angry, and neurotic. They are more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and more serene."
"Of all the happiness-promoting strategies described in this book, I believe that forgiveness is one of the most challenging to carry out. But, as is said, 'no pain, no gain.' What you reap may be enormous. If forgiveness fits your personality, goals, or needs, then the following techniques can be helpful. Appreciate being forgiven. Imagine forgiveness. Write a letter of forgiveness (don't send it, just write it). Practice empathy. Consider charitable attributions. Ruminate less. Make contact (send the letter, if it feels appropriate and healthy). Remind yourself of the importance of forgiveness."
Jack Kornfield in The Wise Heart:
"In Buddhist communities, there is a ritual of forgiveness where the abbot and elders regularly bow to the community and ask forgiveness for any errors they have made in their teaching and leadership. Every year at the end of our two-month retreat we do this. We invite our students' written suggestions and feedback. Then we move off our cushions and chairs and sit on the bare floor facing all the retreatants. We bow to them and their sincere practice. And then we ask their forgiveness for any way we may have harmed or misguided them. We tell them we did the best we could. Usually a lot of tears fall before the end of this ceremony."
"Forgiveness is both necessary and possible. It is never too late to find forgiveness and start again."
"Like the practice of compassion, forgiveness does not ignore the truth of our suffering. Forgiveness is not weak. It demands courage and integrity. Yet only forgiveness and love can bring about the peace we long for. As the Indian sage Meher Baba explains, 'True love is not for the fainthearted.'"
"We have all betrayed and hurt others, just as we have knowingly and unknowingly been harmed by them. It is inevitable in this human realm. Sometimes our betrayals are small, sometimes terrible. Extending and receiving forgiveness are essential to free us from our part. To forgive does not mean we condone the misdeeds of another. We can dedicate ourselves to making sure they never happen again. But without forgiveness the world can never be released from the sorrows of the past. Someone once quipped, 'Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. Forgiveness is a way to move on."
"In Buddhist psychology, forgiveness is not presented as a moral commandment -- 'Thou shalt forgive.' It is understood as a way to end suffering, to bring dignity and harmony to our life. Forgiveness is fundamentally for our sake, for our own mental health. It is a way to let go of the pain we carry. This is illustrated by the story of two former prisoners of war who meet after many years. When the first one asks, 'Have you forgiven your captors yet?' the second man answers, 'No, never.' 'Well, then,' the first many replies, 'they still have you in prison.'"
"For most people, the work of forgiveness is a process. Practicing forgiveness, we may go through stages of grief, rage, sorrow, hurt, and confusion. As we let ourselves feel the pain we still hold, forgiveness comes as a relief, a release for our heart in the end. Forgiveness acknowledges that no matter how much we may have suffered, we will not put another human being out of our heart."
In those sets of Ten New Commandments that we talked about at the start of this series, the connection between fairness and forgiveness is clearly described in one: "Do not overlook evil or shrink from administering justice, but always be ready to forgive wrongdoing freely admitted and honestly regretted." That, of course, makes forgiveness relatively easy. When wrongdoing is not admitted or regretted, forgiveness gets harder. Much harder. But that's especially when forgiveness offers us freedom and a positive way forward.
My hope is that we will find room in our hearts both for equity and for empathy. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, leads to a sightless and toothless world. Yet forgiveness without justice leads to its own form of abuse and disfiguration. We need them both to make life work."
Just keep on praying. I know it will get better.
Monday, March 08, 2010
looking back
November 2009
I told myself something I had forgotten. It was hilariously said, also. I also forgot this one, "if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten." I had forgotten how similar the last conflict with friend was to this one. Almost identical in craziness. I can honestly say I have never had such a dramatic conflict as these 2. Even when I was drinking, and I threw a glass at Bryan Bowden, I felt saner about it than I do this. That relationship made more sense than this one does, and we were both drinking drunks. Plus, I am friendly with Bryan, now. haha. I need to stay away from judging the friend, but I also need to protect Mere. There is no need to subject oneself to verbal abuse. And it is not being of service to stick around and take it.
I told myself something I had forgotten. It was hilariously said, also. I also forgot this one, "if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten." I had forgotten how similar the last conflict with friend was to this one. Almost identical in craziness. I can honestly say I have never had such a dramatic conflict as these 2. Even when I was drinking, and I threw a glass at Bryan Bowden, I felt saner about it than I do this. That relationship made more sense than this one does, and we were both drinking drunks. Plus, I am friendly with Bryan, now. haha. I need to stay away from judging the friend, but I also need to protect Mere. There is no need to subject oneself to verbal abuse. And it is not being of service to stick around and take it.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
What a long, strange week it's been.
Today has been one of the best days of the decade. So bizzzzarrreee because Monday was surely one of the worst. Universe, I am not blaming you or giving you all the credit, but I'll just say thank you to whomever worked on this Day. I know it's not reasonable, but when BH is irritated with me, I just cannot get to full joy. When he is happy with me, I get 100% full joy. We worked the first exercise in Getting the Love You Want, a book I have owned for probably 12 or 13 years. But, not JUST that. So sweet and present, and such a blessing to me.
I am missing my friend, and have forgotten the tears of yesterday, literally. Funny how I do tend to hold grudges, but also am very capable of euphoric recall. I do believe the Universe took pity on me and did something to get me through the pain with BH and friend. Intense pain, abated and caused by (or at least I attributed it to) each one, at different times, and now just a dull ache from friend. Last night, friend said I was abusing spiritual principles. I do not know to what friend referred. I feel innocent of any charges, but wonder what appears inauthentic. I don't think in my life I have been called as many names. Very strange sensation. One stuck, because I eventually recognized where I was acting childishly. The other names were water on a duck. Swam on through.
A little hard not to wonder what friend had told others of the story. None of my business!!! Of course, I want to contact friend, but can offer no logical explanation why I should. Friend has been so clear I am unwelcome. I suppose this is another example of my boundary violations. Oddly, I have made GREAT progress on this issue in sobriety. I was so unaware of anything vaguely resembling a boundary. Now, I can sometimes see them, sometimes erect them, myself. And sometimes I even respect them, especially when they have been pointed out.
Got to practice waltz and foxtrot after Lindy team today. Didn't get to dance with my actual partner, really, at all because the first bit of choreo is with a rotated partner. And it was close, but I did not have to rotate to friend. Kind of funny on that one, Universe. One foot to the left, and we would have had to get through that. Friend acted normalish. I sensed I might be on a behavioral trial, just because of all the behavioral trials of others friend has told me about. I tried to stay present and felt successful. So far, routine is fun.
Had dinner with parents and Hank. That was more pleasant than usual. I guess give BH and I some time alone and together, and we can be pretty freaking charming.
I am missing my friend, and have forgotten the tears of yesterday, literally. Funny how I do tend to hold grudges, but also am very capable of euphoric recall. I do believe the Universe took pity on me and did something to get me through the pain with BH and friend. Intense pain, abated and caused by (or at least I attributed it to) each one, at different times, and now just a dull ache from friend. Last night, friend said I was abusing spiritual principles. I do not know to what friend referred. I feel innocent of any charges, but wonder what appears inauthentic. I don't think in my life I have been called as many names. Very strange sensation. One stuck, because I eventually recognized where I was acting childishly. The other names were water on a duck. Swam on through.
A little hard not to wonder what friend had told others of the story. None of my business!!! Of course, I want to contact friend, but can offer no logical explanation why I should. Friend has been so clear I am unwelcome. I suppose this is another example of my boundary violations. Oddly, I have made GREAT progress on this issue in sobriety. I was so unaware of anything vaguely resembling a boundary. Now, I can sometimes see them, sometimes erect them, myself. And sometimes I even respect them, especially when they have been pointed out.
Got to practice waltz and foxtrot after Lindy team today. Didn't get to dance with my actual partner, really, at all because the first bit of choreo is with a rotated partner. And it was close, but I did not have to rotate to friend. Kind of funny on that one, Universe. One foot to the left, and we would have had to get through that. Friend acted normalish. I sensed I might be on a behavioral trial, just because of all the behavioral trials of others friend has told me about. I tried to stay present and felt successful. So far, routine is fun.
Had dinner with parents and Hank. That was more pleasant than usual. I guess give BH and I some time alone and together, and we can be pretty freaking charming.
soooooooooo much better
Had ANOTHER huge ooooooooooooooo with friend. Friend felt boundaries were violated. I totally didn't get that while it was happening. To me, it felt like I had taped a couple of pebbles to friend, and friend used machine gun to retaliate. To friend, it felt like I was attacking the little kid whose boundaries were violated. Makes sense. Gender differences for sure.
Sooooooooo much less pain. So much more detached. Ahhhhhhh. Relief. Thank you, Universe!
Sooooooooo much less pain. So much more detached. Ahhhhhhh. Relief. Thank you, Universe!
Thursday, March 04, 2010
good gone bad
This has been the shittiest 4 days in a long fucking time. Mother, don't worry, I WILL be ok. I just need to vent. And express how incredulous I am about how shitty it has been. March 1, the first day of my 38th year. Very shitty. March 2. Shitty. March 3. Shitty. Today. Very shitty. And "I wish I were a lesbian and not a hetero." - Loudon Wainwright III. OK, God. Surrender. I surrender. Enough shittiness. I know it is not God doing it to me. It is no one doing it to me. They are just doing it. And the way they are doing it is very shitty. Why is the Y chromosome so toxic? I do not understand. I understand less about it today than I ever have. They have us. Right where they want us. We give them all this ooey gooey love. Boobs. Shaved legs. Good smells. They turn on and off like robots. Mean robots. Cold blooded. Very cold. I've never met a woman as cold as the warmest man I have ever met. They are cold. Tiger-killing machines. Sperm-spreading machines. Would we have boundaries between countries without the Y chromosome? I think not. The earth would be grossly overpopulated with sweetness and breast-feeding and would be way too hot. Global warming caused by the absence of Y chromosomes. Aren't there fish and flowers who reproduce without needing the opposite sex? Come on, ladies. We can do this alone. The traffic would be so awesome. Us letting each other in all the time. Using our turn signals. Asking for directions. We could do each others' nails for free because we would have so much free time not cleaning up after them. The entire world would be enlightened in just a few more years of us running things. We would become one with the Spirit of the Universe. But, let's keep Hank.
PS Hurtful friend has unfacebook friended me. I guess we are not friends, anymore. Yesterday, friends. Today, argument. Unfacebook friended. That is what friend has done with all other emotionally intimate relationships. Friend says I am immature. I hope it is anything that is the opposite of unfucking facebook friending someone after breaking her heart several times over. That is very sad for friend. Must be much more lonely than I can understand. I will pray for friend to find a Different Way. And to save me from being angry and hurt. I have prostrated myself several times over and cannot penetrate the cement ice-wall. I hope friend can let someone in someday.
PS Hurtful friend has unfacebook friended me. I guess we are not friends, anymore. Yesterday, friends. Today, argument. Unfacebook friended. That is what friend has done with all other emotionally intimate relationships. Friend says I am immature. I hope it is anything that is the opposite of unfucking facebook friending someone after breaking her heart several times over. That is very sad for friend. Must be much more lonely than I can understand. I will pray for friend to find a Different Way. And to save me from being angry and hurt. I have prostrated myself several times over and cannot penetrate the cement ice-wall. I hope friend can let someone in someday.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
2 things
I was going to sell another Sanrio item on eBay due to the success of the the sale of a plastic notepad holder I have had for 20 years that recently sold very well. I listed the stuffed animal, but it didn't sell, possibly because I forgot to change the category from Little Twin Stars. I don't know who this is. Anyone?
While trying to identify it on the Sanrio website, I started thinking I don't want to sell it. Millions of Japanese females can't be wrong.
I recently learned the term FOB from the urban dictionary. It stands for fresh off the boat and is a slightly derogatory term used by Far-east Asian-Americans to describe those who have recently emigrated. Used in a sentence on UD, "You look so fobby with all that Hello Kitty gear on."
I bring this ease of influence up because in my class on Tuesday, first of all, they talked!, but secondly, they talked about our 1st debate topic, "should drug laws remain restrictive." Five students presented the debate to us last week and did an excellent job. It recently occurred to me (I am slow) that drug laws are meant to protect us from ourselves. If that is the case, why is alcohol legal and marijuana illegal. Overdose from alcohol (death) is not uncommon. Overdose from marijuana is not possible. Yes, the risk of DUI/DWI is theoretically the same, however, marijuana, usually, makes people simply fall asleep, eat, or giggle. I don't think the incidence of DUI of marijuana is anywhere near DUI of alcohol. Of course, marijuana is illegal, so the comparison is not exactly fair. Anyway, we collectively agree that children, tweens, in particular were influenced by tv ads and popular culture images and ideas with which they are bombarded. Having certain drugs remain illicit would be adaptive for them. However, having alcohol and tobacco be licit is definitely maladaptive for them, at least certain ones. I remember being 12, 13 and looking at Cosmopolitan magazine, and thinking this is what adult women are reading, and this is how they act. With no self-respect, of course, tobacco ads were still Virginia Slims and "look how awesome I look smoking," kind of thing. Not that all my friends smoked, but the ones I wanted to be cool and rebellious like, did.
We mentioned "Just Say No," and I argued that one reason it was ineffective was that it addressed a situation that rarely occurs. Kids are not presented with drugs, nor do they need a refusal statement. As I mentioned in class, people who are drug dependent are not going around trying to share their drugs. They are not that magnanimous. If anything, they would say, "keep your grubs off my drugs," or something to that effect.
I was mostly sold on the family systems theory of maladaptive risk-taking, but after class I am convinced that that has to occur within the American culture of sex, drugs, and rock n roll, AND in the person who has the physiological and psychological predispositions to engage in maladaptive risk-taking.
The other point I meant to make here, is that the federal government protects us from ourselves with illicit drugs, but CVD is #1 cause of morality in US, and over half those deaths are from preventable causes like not eating transfat, high fructose corn syrup, like eating 9 servings of fruits and veggies/day, like getting 3-5 hours moderate intensity PA, and not smoking. The federal government does not restrict us or mandate us much in any of the other areas that clearly determine our health. Therefore, it is illogical for us to spend our own tax dollars on something that doesn't harm us as much as other things that do harm us a lot. Know what I mean?
I'm in a hurry this morning.
Have an awesome one!!!
While trying to identify it on the Sanrio website, I started thinking I don't want to sell it. Millions of Japanese females can't be wrong.
I recently learned the term FOB from the urban dictionary. It stands for fresh off the boat and is a slightly derogatory term used by Far-east Asian-Americans to describe those who have recently emigrated. Used in a sentence on UD, "You look so fobby with all that Hello Kitty gear on."
I bring this ease of influence up because in my class on Tuesday, first of all, they talked!, but secondly, they talked about our 1st debate topic, "should drug laws remain restrictive." Five students presented the debate to us last week and did an excellent job. It recently occurred to me (I am slow) that drug laws are meant to protect us from ourselves. If that is the case, why is alcohol legal and marijuana illegal. Overdose from alcohol (death) is not uncommon. Overdose from marijuana is not possible. Yes, the risk of DUI/DWI is theoretically the same, however, marijuana, usually, makes people simply fall asleep, eat, or giggle. I don't think the incidence of DUI of marijuana is anywhere near DUI of alcohol. Of course, marijuana is illegal, so the comparison is not exactly fair. Anyway, we collectively agree that children, tweens, in particular were influenced by tv ads and popular culture images and ideas with which they are bombarded. Having certain drugs remain illicit would be adaptive for them. However, having alcohol and tobacco be licit is definitely maladaptive for them, at least certain ones. I remember being 12, 13 and looking at Cosmopolitan magazine, and thinking this is what adult women are reading, and this is how they act. With no self-respect, of course, tobacco ads were still Virginia Slims and "look how awesome I look smoking," kind of thing. Not that all my friends smoked, but the ones I wanted to be cool and rebellious like, did.
We mentioned "Just Say No," and I argued that one reason it was ineffective was that it addressed a situation that rarely occurs. Kids are not presented with drugs, nor do they need a refusal statement. As I mentioned in class, people who are drug dependent are not going around trying to share their drugs. They are not that magnanimous. If anything, they would say, "keep your grubs off my drugs," or something to that effect.
I was mostly sold on the family systems theory of maladaptive risk-taking, but after class I am convinced that that has to occur within the American culture of sex, drugs, and rock n roll, AND in the person who has the physiological and psychological predispositions to engage in maladaptive risk-taking.
The other point I meant to make here, is that the federal government protects us from ourselves with illicit drugs, but CVD is #1 cause of morality in US, and over half those deaths are from preventable causes like not eating transfat, high fructose corn syrup, like eating 9 servings of fruits and veggies/day, like getting 3-5 hours moderate intensity PA, and not smoking. The federal government does not restrict us or mandate us much in any of the other areas that clearly determine our health. Therefore, it is illogical for us to spend our own tax dollars on something that doesn't harm us as much as other things that do harm us a lot. Know what I mean?
I'm in a hurry this morning.
Have an awesome one!!!
Monday, February 08, 2010
excuse me, while I diatribe
Woke up this morning, to my alarm, angry about our healthcare system. People have anger because it motivates change. Sometimes I forget why we have certain negative affectivities. My situation is minute, obviously. Minutia. But, I was dreaming about decorating a bas-relief that illustrated the history of Nelson Mandela just before I woke up.
I have had maxillary sinus pain and a stuffed up ear for over a week. Went to a "new" but older doctor at Dr. Lamy's office last week. He was absolutely the antithesis of healthcare. Just wanted to employ his agenda and listened to nothing I said. Complimented me, hollowly, to pacify me, which was easier than normal to do because I wasn't feeling well. But he didn't listen to anything I had to say. Told me to do all the things I was already doing. I had attributed some tooth weird-feeling I noticed yesterday to not flossing a night or two last week, but no, I think it's referred maxillary sinus pain. Why would it be only on top if it were a flossing issue? What doctors don't get is, we patients have deductive reasoning, too. We have intelligence; we have experience. We have the benefit of experience with our own bodies! Here are the symptoms I have experienced many times. Many, many times. I agreed to do what he said (which was to continue to do what I was already doing, except, I was doing something more effective, additionally) because I was doubting my self and my experience. Not smart. Experience, being in the same place I have been before, in Health, in Spirit, in Life, is worth something. It has value. It doesn't mean one can predict the future, or that one has expertise in an area, but it does mean, I have been here before, and I know what I did that worked to change it! So, now, I have maxillary sinus pain that is in my upper jaw. Way to go, Dr. Harrison.
I had an appointment with my ENT, but he had to cancel and reschedule, and I haven't called back, yet. Yes, I will call this morning.
Meanwhile, I don't know which other quack to call. The problem with good doctors is that they are much harder to get into. My quacks, I can see the same day. If they will listen to me long enough, I can usually tell them what is wrong with me.
I will spare you all my opinions about prescription drugs. Although, I will tell you, I don't like being treated like a drug-addict when I request a drug that requires a prescription and has any efficacy beyond that of an over-the-counter drug. Yes, I am a recovered drug-addict, but in the over 14 years I have been sober, I have had ZERO desire to use a mind-altering chemical for recreation. ZERO. Yes, I have used prescription drugs as they have been prescribed. Some of them are mind-altering. Have I gotten high? No! Far from it. When I had my tonsils out, I was taking a narcotic, hydrocodone, suffering in great pain while taking the maximum dose. Called the doctor, my doctor was not on call, of course, and the on-call doctor would give me nothing else. Same thing with episiotomy. I realize it's all a liability issue for them. I don't have any sympathy for that. I am an individual. I am an individual with whom they have some history. If I wanted a drug to get high, (which I don't, and haven't for a LONG time, by the Grace of God and a Program of Recovery!) I would call a drug dealer. I would not call a doctor! Thank you. You have listened beyond what you should have been subject to. I am pissed and uncomfortable enough to take more action.
Meanwhile, finally had some alone time with BH where we were mostly both well. Despite my stuffiness, I don't feel bad. He is very good at having alone time, although it is often harder to get him to agree to do than it is to get a prescription drug from a doctor! I can enjoy HH's cuteness with 110% adulation when I have had a little break every once in a while.
Unfortunately, there were few leads at dv, though I had clearance to go. Got in a fancy 2-step and WCS, but other than that, it was a lot of basics of every other dance. Sometimes fine, but sometimes boring. At least not condescending. And talked with some follows. I suppose that is good to do from time to time.
Got my test written for my class. I think it is good and fair. I spent quite a bit of time on it. I wonder if all professors think this about their tests and power point presentations. I know Ed loved his .ppts. I am ok with that, except he wrote them in the early 1990's and still used them in the early 2000's.
Done. Done. Done. Life is good. These are luxury complaints and observations. Anger motivates change. It's not bad or wrong. Thank you, Mary S.
I have had maxillary sinus pain and a stuffed up ear for over a week. Went to a "new" but older doctor at Dr. Lamy's office last week. He was absolutely the antithesis of healthcare. Just wanted to employ his agenda and listened to nothing I said. Complimented me, hollowly, to pacify me, which was easier than normal to do because I wasn't feeling well. But he didn't listen to anything I had to say. Told me to do all the things I was already doing. I had attributed some tooth weird-feeling I noticed yesterday to not flossing a night or two last week, but no, I think it's referred maxillary sinus pain. Why would it be only on top if it were a flossing issue? What doctors don't get is, we patients have deductive reasoning, too. We have intelligence; we have experience. We have the benefit of experience with our own bodies! Here are the symptoms I have experienced many times. Many, many times. I agreed to do what he said (which was to continue to do what I was already doing, except, I was doing something more effective, additionally) because I was doubting my self and my experience. Not smart. Experience, being in the same place I have been before, in Health, in Spirit, in Life, is worth something. It has value. It doesn't mean one can predict the future, or that one has expertise in an area, but it does mean, I have been here before, and I know what I did that worked to change it! So, now, I have maxillary sinus pain that is in my upper jaw. Way to go, Dr. Harrison.
I had an appointment with my ENT, but he had to cancel and reschedule, and I haven't called back, yet. Yes, I will call this morning.
Meanwhile, I don't know which other quack to call. The problem with good doctors is that they are much harder to get into. My quacks, I can see the same day. If they will listen to me long enough, I can usually tell them what is wrong with me.
I will spare you all my opinions about prescription drugs. Although, I will tell you, I don't like being treated like a drug-addict when I request a drug that requires a prescription and has any efficacy beyond that of an over-the-counter drug. Yes, I am a recovered drug-addict, but in the over 14 years I have been sober, I have had ZERO desire to use a mind-altering chemical for recreation. ZERO. Yes, I have used prescription drugs as they have been prescribed. Some of them are mind-altering. Have I gotten high? No! Far from it. When I had my tonsils out, I was taking a narcotic, hydrocodone, suffering in great pain while taking the maximum dose. Called the doctor, my doctor was not on call, of course, and the on-call doctor would give me nothing else. Same thing with episiotomy. I realize it's all a liability issue for them. I don't have any sympathy for that. I am an individual. I am an individual with whom they have some history. If I wanted a drug to get high, (which I don't, and haven't for a LONG time, by the Grace of God and a Program of Recovery!) I would call a drug dealer. I would not call a doctor! Thank you. You have listened beyond what you should have been subject to. I am pissed and uncomfortable enough to take more action.
Meanwhile, finally had some alone time with BH where we were mostly both well. Despite my stuffiness, I don't feel bad. He is very good at having alone time, although it is often harder to get him to agree to do than it is to get a prescription drug from a doctor! I can enjoy HH's cuteness with 110% adulation when I have had a little break every once in a while.
Unfortunately, there were few leads at dv, though I had clearance to go. Got in a fancy 2-step and WCS, but other than that, it was a lot of basics of every other dance. Sometimes fine, but sometimes boring. At least not condescending. And talked with some follows. I suppose that is good to do from time to time.
Got my test written for my class. I think it is good and fair. I spent quite a bit of time on it. I wonder if all professors think this about their tests and power point presentations. I know Ed loved his .ppts. I am ok with that, except he wrote them in the early 1990's and still used them in the early 2000's.
Done. Done. Done. Life is good. These are luxury complaints and observations. Anger motivates change. It's not bad or wrong. Thank you, Mary S.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Love is strong word
Loving teaching my class. It is awesome and fun.
Had a lesson with DID, yesterday. It was good. Going to go back to training with him for a C&W comp sometime in the future.
Had a good lesson with Carlos, too. I feel unfreaked out dancing salsa with him. He is teaching me a shine and a couples pattern. I want to learn some new routines.
I feel like I have cheated on DIT. I know it's silly. Given up on DPB.
Going to cover some dresses in rhinestones.
HH goes back to gymnastics today.
He is loving his school, too.
The only think I don't love is parking. My appointment STILL has not processed, so I am parking in the garage at hourly rates. Ouch!
Had a lesson with DID, yesterday. It was good. Going to go back to training with him for a C&W comp sometime in the future.
Had a good lesson with Carlos, too. I feel unfreaked out dancing salsa with him. He is teaching me a shine and a couples pattern. I want to learn some new routines.
I feel like I have cheated on DIT. I know it's silly. Given up on DPB.
Going to cover some dresses in rhinestones.
HH goes back to gymnastics today.
He is loving his school, too.
The only think I don't love is parking. My appointment STILL has not processed, so I am parking in the garage at hourly rates. Ouch!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I have a class to teach
Sewed my sweater patches on to my tweed jacket. Or was it tweed patches on to a sweater? (Homer Simpson's bout as a community college teacher). Can't say who, of course, and it's not Colt McCoy, but I do have 1 current and 1 former Longhorn in the class. I have to say, I am totally star struck, but have kept cool so far (one class period). Didn't talk long enough yesterday, but seemed to keep everyone's attention, and I think it will be a good group. They were awake at 8 am and smiling. I hadn't been to the 9th floor of Bellmont since they put carpet in front of the elevators. And the 10th floor is no longer an abandoned sleeping lounge, but the undergrad advising office. It remains the place where furniture goes before it is put to rest.
We have all been sick: Hank and I with sinus infection (about #5 for me this season), I with bronchitis, Hank with bronchitis, Brad and I with stomach flu. Stomach flu was über boo. Brad and I realized we had it around 11 pm Friday night. Thank God my dad answered the phone, brought us phenegren, and took Hank home with him. Brad and I emerged from our excretions and comas around 12 pm on Sunday. Haven't felt much like eating since. I had made a beautiful cabbage salad with grapes, carrots, and homemade peanut dressing for lunch. Needless to say, that sounds absolutely disgusting, now. Brad had eaten Newman O's just before bed. That will keep him out of my cookie stash for a while.... Didn't get to perform at Lone Star, consequently. Danced a LITTLE Friday night. Hope I didn't spread it.
Been "watching" Twilight I downloaded from iTunes. Over and over. It plays in the background. I don't watch it except every once in a while I flip over to watch scenes. The prom scene. R Pattz' performance is Oscar worthy. He has been overlooked as an awesome actor, probably because he is so beautiful. I think Kristen Stewart does an awesome job, too. Although, one way she indicates hesitation (breathing, haltingly) becomes less endearing after 20 or so showings. Can't be faulted for that, really. I STILL haven't seen New Moon. Guess it's gonna be video for MLMH!
We have all been sick: Hank and I with sinus infection (about #5 for me this season), I with bronchitis, Hank with bronchitis, Brad and I with stomach flu. Stomach flu was über boo. Brad and I realized we had it around 11 pm Friday night. Thank God my dad answered the phone, brought us phenegren, and took Hank home with him. Brad and I emerged from our excretions and comas around 12 pm on Sunday. Haven't felt much like eating since. I had made a beautiful cabbage salad with grapes, carrots, and homemade peanut dressing for lunch. Needless to say, that sounds absolutely disgusting, now. Brad had eaten Newman O's just before bed. That will keep him out of my cookie stash for a while.... Didn't get to perform at Lone Star, consequently. Danced a LITTLE Friday night. Hope I didn't spread it.
Been "watching" Twilight I downloaded from iTunes. Over and over. It plays in the background. I don't watch it except every once in a while I flip over to watch scenes. The prom scene. R Pattz' performance is Oscar worthy. He has been overlooked as an awesome actor, probably because he is so beautiful. I think Kristen Stewart does an awesome job, too. Although, one way she indicates hesitation (breathing, haltingly) becomes less endearing after 20 or so showings. Can't be faulted for that, really. I STILL haven't seen New Moon. Guess it's gonna be video for MLMH!
Love it!
Wow, I wish he were my mayor. This IS how social change happens. After self-reflection and examination, slowly, and one person at a time.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
My 2009 commentary by Meredith Hodgkinson (and some random dreams)
I heard a political analyst interviewed on NPR recently call Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor's statement to a group primarily of Latina law students, "I would hope that a wise Latina, with the richness of her experiences, would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life," 'stupid.' I think most of the commentary and reporting on the comment was ignorant of the fact that a) She was trying to inspire some young women of a particular ethnic background and probably SES. We, as news media, or as a society, don't give anyone else a hard time (politicians and Supreme Court Justices included) for trying to inspire people based on their experience and the experience of the majority of their audience. b) She was alluding to a comment made by Supreme Court Justice O'Connor, who said that, "At the end of the day, a wise old man and a wise old woman reach the same judgment." Ignorance drove most of the criticism of Sotomayor's comment. Justices are CONSTANTLY examining precedent, and Sotomayor has proven no different. And as Justice Scalia said, "There is no Catholic way to cook a hamburger." Sotomayor wasn't saying she would rule in favor of Latinos, but simply to point out she had an Ivy League education and an interesting life experience growing up as a "Newyorican." Would not life experience benefit anyone doing any job?
I enjoyed this commentary.
I would also like to address the backlash regarding President Obama's race. President Obama has not made an issue of his race. He is, in fact, bi-racial. In the US, we have a history of viewing individuals who were even 1/4 black, as being black. Now, this bi-racial individual is labeled "black." (I don't know if he self-identifies as black or bi-racial). The US has a long history of enslaving black and bi-racial people. No, we don't do that today, but it is significant, that we, as a country have moved from a completely oppressive system to electing a president who is "black." We made note when Justice O'Connor was seated. The US has a history almost as long at oppressing, while not enslaving, women. It is significant that in the same century women gained the right to vote that we have a woman seated on the Supreme Court, that we had a viable Democratic candidate for the office of president, that we have a bi-racial president. These are big deals. While we strive for "color-blindness," it seems more adaptive to strive for "color-seeing-acceptance." Let us be women, black, gay, green, and acknowledge it. It is obvious we don't make decisions solely on the basis of our differences. We don't even have to embrace our differences, but I plan to.
I was dreaming I went BACK to ESD, having a PhD and take a few classes I hadn't done well in. Linda Biderman was working there in admissions. Gloria and Marianne from UT were also working there in the administrative offices. I went to this class that took me forever to find. I had to run down to the building because it was about a 30 minute walk. I took off my yellow uniform shirt and ran in my sports bra and skirt carrying the shirt in one hand and Hank in another. There were a bunch of fast food restaurants in the building before I got to the classrooms. Hank had gone up to a salsa bar for a restaurant and took the scoop and scooped some into his mouth before I could catch him. I apologized; he loves salsa. Once I got to class, it was very crowded, and people were frowning I had Hank. I wasn't going to stay in class if he cried. The teacher was a man I had never seen and was an asshole. His lecture was very disorganized and confusing. I thought, "no wonder I didn't do well in this class. If it doesn't get better, I'm not taking it, again." He and I got into some arguement when I told a girl it was ok to cry. Actually, I said, "it's ok," to her at the end of an exercise in class. He had brought in his wife, Lisa Loeb, to do some role-playing with her, her baby, and this gal. I don't recall exactly what it was, but it upset the girl. I told him he wasn't a psychotherapist. He said, actually he was. He had 5 degrees. (Trumps my 3). I said, well, this wasn't a psychotherapy session. Agreed.
A couple nights ago I dreamed my mom had appendicitis and my dad wouldn't take her to emergency. Dave Breihan happened to be at my parents house to take care of Hank while I took my mom to Presbyterian. They hooked her up to a scanner kind of like Idiocracy meets Brazil (movies). I was giving Dave instructions about how loud he could have the radio on with Hank asleep. I figured we would make out when I got back home. haha.
Brad and I had the same dream the other night. I don't recall what it was at the moment, but we dreamed we were in the same place on the same night. Ooooooo.
I enjoyed this commentary.
I would also like to address the backlash regarding President Obama's race. President Obama has not made an issue of his race. He is, in fact, bi-racial. In the US, we have a history of viewing individuals who were even 1/4 black, as being black. Now, this bi-racial individual is labeled "black." (I don't know if he self-identifies as black or bi-racial). The US has a long history of enslaving black and bi-racial people. No, we don't do that today, but it is significant, that we, as a country have moved from a completely oppressive system to electing a president who is "black." We made note when Justice O'Connor was seated. The US has a history almost as long at oppressing, while not enslaving, women. It is significant that in the same century women gained the right to vote that we have a woman seated on the Supreme Court, that we had a viable Democratic candidate for the office of president, that we have a bi-racial president. These are big deals. While we strive for "color-blindness," it seems more adaptive to strive for "color-seeing-acceptance." Let us be women, black, gay, green, and acknowledge it. It is obvious we don't make decisions solely on the basis of our differences. We don't even have to embrace our differences, but I plan to.
I was dreaming I went BACK to ESD, having a PhD and take a few classes I hadn't done well in. Linda Biderman was working there in admissions. Gloria and Marianne from UT were also working there in the administrative offices. I went to this class that took me forever to find. I had to run down to the building because it was about a 30 minute walk. I took off my yellow uniform shirt and ran in my sports bra and skirt carrying the shirt in one hand and Hank in another. There were a bunch of fast food restaurants in the building before I got to the classrooms. Hank had gone up to a salsa bar for a restaurant and took the scoop and scooped some into his mouth before I could catch him. I apologized; he loves salsa. Once I got to class, it was very crowded, and people were frowning I had Hank. I wasn't going to stay in class if he cried. The teacher was a man I had never seen and was an asshole. His lecture was very disorganized and confusing. I thought, "no wonder I didn't do well in this class. If it doesn't get better, I'm not taking it, again." He and I got into some arguement when I told a girl it was ok to cry. Actually, I said, "it's ok," to her at the end of an exercise in class. He had brought in his wife, Lisa Loeb, to do some role-playing with her, her baby, and this gal. I don't recall exactly what it was, but it upset the girl. I told him he wasn't a psychotherapist. He said, actually he was. He had 5 degrees. (Trumps my 3). I said, well, this wasn't a psychotherapy session. Agreed.
A couple nights ago I dreamed my mom had appendicitis and my dad wouldn't take her to emergency. Dave Breihan happened to be at my parents house to take care of Hank while I took my mom to Presbyterian. They hooked her up to a scanner kind of like Idiocracy meets Brazil (movies). I was giving Dave instructions about how loud he could have the radio on with Hank asleep. I figured we would make out when I got back home. haha.
Brad and I had the same dream the other night. I don't recall what it was at the moment, but we dreamed we were in the same place on the same night. Ooooooo.
Friday, January 01, 2010
Happy new year 2010!
Here are some showcase pics by Raman Evazians.
The move that launched 1000 arguments / me dying inside.
And a few of me and Tommy.
Where does my leg go, exactly?
Ah, there it is!
Fancy!
THE PIVOT TURN
Hey, I'm still standing erect!
Remembered to let go!
How I wish that you were mine...(We danced to Ma Cherie Amour).
I think it was 100% fun. I even succeeded at putting my own eyelashes on. What a personal victory.
Been having dance withdrawal, but been enjoying family time. Our internets have been down since we got back from Dallas. It has kept BH from working after work, and he has also been especially his charming self. I have enjoyed his company, a lot.
Been watching Curb Your Enthusiasm on DVD. It kind of makes me nervous, but he's pretty funny and reminds me of myself. Did I already mention that?
I went to bed around 8:30, but woke up around 3. Finished the paperwork for our FSA submission. Got these showcase pics scanned in. Worked on charitable donations for our taxes. Go, crazy sleeper! I hope I get a nap in, later!!!
I am obsessed with rhinestoning most of my possessions.
I want to go with the tan bikini with rhinestone net covering for my next costume. Unless I am PG. Or unless I am very PG, and it will be more ok with me that my thighs look bigger. Just kidding, sort of. I love my functional body. OK, love is a strong word. I AM very grateful for the body I have. It works great, and most of the time, I do like how it looks. I appreciate it. And, noone is perfect. But, everyone is perfect in their imperfections!
For the new year, I don't have a new resolution, per se. I resolve to continue to be vigilant about living one day at a time and sometimes 5 minutes at a time. Each nanosecond is a gift and an opportunity. I forget that most of the time. Hank helps.
I should resolve to listen to my thoughts less. For example, when my brain tells me not to leave the house, after the other part of my brain already decided we were, I should ignore the not leaving part. I resolve to be mindful about that and consider trying it. Or, maybe I should put a little less pressure on myself for out-of-the-house activities. For example, instead of adamantly making a declaration that I will go to deja vu, I should say to myself, "self, you have always enjoyed deja vu, consider attending this Sunday." Then, I will say, "thank you for the suggestion. I will consider it." Just kidding. Sort of.
2010 sounds like the future. I hope your future is awesome!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
so grateful
Back to "normal" with everything. Showcase is over. It went awesomely. I was surprised how well it went. I am ready for another dance project. My friend and I are back to fine. I wonder about my sanity and my motives. It's a dance. I think I might be an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. (Just kidding, I know I am).
Got a sweet card and presents from DID and DIT. Took some bachata, country waltz, two-step, and triple two lessons, yesterday. I hope I get to a lot of classes starting in January. DIT approved me for level 2 on the country classes.
Going to Dallas today for a few days after working for 5 whole hours this morning. Good thing I woke up so ridiculously early before the alarm.
Enjoying renting Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes from Netflix.
Enjoying a new awareness about reality with others. (It seems when other people are doing or are stuck in what I want to avoid, I am able to see it, and without judgement, see the solution). Maybe, someday, I will be able to do this for myself.
Grateful for 5 minutes at a time. And one day at a time.
Got a sweet card and presents from DID and DIT. Took some bachata, country waltz, two-step, and triple two lessons, yesterday. I hope I get to a lot of classes starting in January. DIT approved me for level 2 on the country classes.
Going to Dallas today for a few days after working for 5 whole hours this morning. Good thing I woke up so ridiculously early before the alarm.
Enjoying renting Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes from Netflix.
Enjoying a new awareness about reality with others. (It seems when other people are doing or are stuck in what I want to avoid, I am able to see it, and without judgement, see the solution). Maybe, someday, I will be able to do this for myself.
Grateful for 5 minutes at a time. And one day at a time.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
guilty pleasures
Something that entertains me, even in the darkest hours, is to read English written with poor grammar, or by someone for whom English is a second language. It crack me up when nothing else will. I ordered some books from amazon.fr. I hope a French person will enjoy my musings.
J'ai acheté deux livres en français a amazon.fr. [I don't have the accents for all the letters. That probably won't be very funny]. Je n'ai jamais lit aucun de livres de Jackie Collins, mais, je pense que le genre de ces livres est comme ça. Je n'aime pas les livres de romance en Anglais, mais, je veux parler français, encore, donc j'ai pensé que lire d'etre une bonne ideé.
J'ai acheté deux livres en français a amazon.fr. [I don't have the accents for all the letters. That probably won't be very funny]. Je n'ai jamais lit aucun de livres de Jackie Collins, mais, je pense que le genre de ces livres est comme ça. Je n'aime pas les livres de romance en Anglais, mais, je veux parler français, encore, donc j'ai pensé que lire d'etre une bonne ideé.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
dress rehearsal vids
Thanks to Claus for videoing for me.
Had a tough day, yesterday.
I'll have to put the Lindy one on YouTube. It's big and long.
I did better with the smiling, and I didn't say sorry when I messed up. But, my arms were super goofy, and I almost fell over at the very beginning. My little pivot turn was TOO zealous. DIT was SO sweet. He is awesome!
Had a tough day, yesterday.
I'll have to put the Lindy one on YouTube. It's big and long.
I did better with the smiling, and I didn't say sorry when I messed up. But, my arms were super goofy, and I almost fell over at the very beginning. My little pivot turn was TOO zealous. DIT was SO sweet. He is awesome!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Approaching the Rumba
TOTALLY messed up the spot turn (forgot to let go of Tommy). Need to get my shoulders back. Smile bigger. Hips are getting there, and the feet. And my arms are coming along. Ready for dress rehearsal on Saturday!!! The only thing I feel nervous about is can I "act." Like getting into the drama of the dance to make it entertaining. I hope I can do it. I see what Richard means about making it big. It could be bigger. I need more flexible hips. Working on it.
I'll put a picture of my dress up, soon!
I'll put a picture of my dress up, soon!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
up after dream
had such a detailed and crazy dream this morning. I assume as a result of my breaking up with DID, yesterday. I actually didn't do it myself, to avoid wishy-washily ending up not breaking up. it was almost as yucky feeling as breaking up with Reed. something sick, I suppose. according to the 3rd party who did the communicating, DID was very understanding. consequently, we are not doing the cha cha at showcase. now, just the Rumba with DIT, which is coming along, the LB team, and a half of another thing. decided to go ahead and get up to get some writing done on my secret novel. wrote down the whole dream, first.
LBPB and I are becoming friends, and it is helping me look at him while dancing. last week, I quoted Blue Velvet to him (Dennis Hopper) to ask him not to look at me while dancing. it was even funnier that he has not seen Blue Velvet. but he looked just over my ear, and it was cracking me up. but I could look directly at him. haha. we have a LOT in common. a LOT.
LBPB and I are becoming friends, and it is helping me look at him while dancing. last week, I quoted Blue Velvet to him (Dennis Hopper) to ask him not to look at me while dancing. it was even funnier that he has not seen Blue Velvet. but he looked just over my ear, and it was cracking me up. but I could look directly at him. haha. we have a LOT in common. a LOT.
Monday, November 16, 2009
swing turned salsa dress success
Wore my black swing dress for the black and white salsa bday party for DID and Becca. I thought BH looked annoyed when I left, but maybe it was my imagination. Because he wasn't annoyed when I got home. wink wink nudge nudge say no more...
Didn't get to do that much dancing, but got a little in and felt pretty coordinated.
LB team practice was fun Sat. LBPB 2-stepped me a little between our lindy and blues practicing. That's fun with moments of success. I wish I could go to 2-step class. LBPB said he may resume salsa. That would be fun to practice more, too!
I am VERY sleepy this morning, however. Still have debris in my sinuses as does Hank, but we are both continuing to improve. Poor little guy can't loogee. I have no idea how to spell that. He does go over to the edge of the porch when we are outside, however. And he cutely makes a spitting noise and the body and head movement of spitting without actually spitting.
Busy morning. 2 peeps at J, 2 peeps at their respective houses, to Don's, to JCAA. 6 hole hours of working outside the home!
Didn't get to do that much dancing, but got a little in and felt pretty coordinated.
LB team practice was fun Sat. LBPB 2-stepped me a little between our lindy and blues practicing. That's fun with moments of success. I wish I could go to 2-step class. LBPB said he may resume salsa. That would be fun to practice more, too!
I am VERY sleepy this morning, however. Still have debris in my sinuses as does Hank, but we are both continuing to improve. Poor little guy can't loogee. I have no idea how to spell that. He does go over to the edge of the porch when we are outside, however. And he cutely makes a spitting noise and the body and head movement of spitting without actually spitting.
Busy morning. 2 peeps at J, 2 peeps at their respective houses, to Don's, to JCAA. 6 hole hours of working outside the home!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Robert Pattinson mags
December issues of VF (more pics up here, recently) and Bazaar are out with RPattz on cover. I already read both, and learned nothing beyond what my cheaper and trashier OK magazines told me. I am SO glad I don't read fashion magazine, anymore. It makes me so much more peaceful and self-accepting. All those air-brushed legs, butts, and faces. And products I don't need that are a waste of money.
And, they pretty much showed us all the pictures on their websites. Well, they still got me to buy 2 magazines. Touché!
One more boring story. Yesterday, Sarah was trying out a $1700 competition dress (she a pro and a teacher at Go Dance). She looked absolutely beautiful. She is always beautiful, but the dress was skimpy, but not slutty, and the C&W tan boots looked great with the dress. And she just looked amazing. I was very happy I could appreciate her beauty without thinking, "I wish I looked like that." Didn't occur to me. That's progress!
And, they pretty much showed us all the pictures on their websites. Well, they still got me to buy 2 magazines. Touché!
One more boring story. Yesterday, Sarah was trying out a $1700 competition dress (she a pro and a teacher at Go Dance). She looked absolutely beautiful. She is always beautiful, but the dress was skimpy, but not slutty, and the C&W tan boots looked great with the dress. And she just looked amazing. I was very happy I could appreciate her beauty without thinking, "I wish I looked like that." Didn't occur to me. That's progress!
too early
Some people stay up too late; I get up too early.
Think how much money the world could save on coffee if we simply got adequate sleep...
Yeah, heavy.
My nose is waking me up. Went to doc, again, yesterday. My GP, who is probably over 65 and semi-retired knew what the latest research on sinus infections was. Impressive. He said most sinus infections are viral, but he gave me 5 days of antibiotic, anyway. I told him I didn't have prescription insurance, so he gave me samples. Fascinating, I know. But, nice. I'm also using Veramist nasal spray, Astapro nasal spray, Claritin-D. When I went to fill my prescription for cough med (so I can sleep without drainage, which did work for 6 hours).
I wanted to buy more Claritin-D because I knew I was running low. Not low enough, apparently, because she could only sell me 5 tablets without exceeding my limit for pseudoephedrine products. I know meth use is a terrible epidemic, and if the ingredients are readily available, that makes it easier to make. But, geez, people, your drug dependence is screwing with my sinuses! Plus, meth is yucky. (haha, as if making your own meth using cold medicine isn't a bad enough problem). I would guess people who make it themselves sell it, too. But, I don't know. More on that subject, I heard an author speaking about meth use in the midwest. He told the very tragic story of a guy who made meth in his house. Accidentally set his house on fire. Was burned. When police came, he asked them to shoot him. They didn't. He lived. Has no fingers. Ugh. SO sad. And, now is back on meth. UGH, so sad. So grateful to be sober!!! Thank you, God and Universe.
I googled meth use biography ohio and got this book review. I think this is the book. Another blogger. Hello, other blogger. Is your mom the only person who reads your blog, too? (And BMM, thank you for your patronage).
Had lessons with DID and DIT, yesterday. I had warned DID via facebook that I might be a little vulnerable. I don't know if he had read it before our lesson or not, but he was nice. And, although I felt like I was starting over cha cha at times, I also felt some improvement. I have a hard time telling what are rubber-bandy arms and what are too loose or too stiff. I NEED SOMEONE WITH WHOM I CAN PRACTICE.
Lesson with DIT was also fun. Tried the dress. I am going to rip and sew a slit up the right side to show off particular parts of the routine. Thinking about getting a new sewing machine.
Any product suggestions? Maybe google ads will give me some. The hug is actually get a lot better. It looks good. It's just getting out of the hug I am having a hard time with. I get my foot stuck on DIT's foot or I look silly taking my arms overhead. We are starting to add arms styling, one of which is me running my hand across his chest. Just seems silly and weird to me. But, he's the teacher, and I will defer to his expertise. DIT is so sweet. I don't think I have ever seen him even get irritated. And it doesn't seem like he's faking being happy. He said sometimes he does feel grumpy. He must be able to get out of it pretty quickly. Unlike DID and I - M O O D Y.
BH is moody, too!
Hank's been sleeping on his mattress at night. He fell off one night, and I put him back in our bed because he was irritated and I wanted to go back to sleep. I mentioned moving back downstairs to Brad. We could use the upstairs as an office/rec room. Put the tv and sofa up there, in addition to our desks. We could use the armoir thing as a divider. Wow, that is a good idea. We need to update the electrical and put in insulation if we move down here, though.
Anyone know a cheap electrician? Probably not. The guy we used to wire the shed, who did a great job, BTW, was not a full-blown electrician. I.e., he was supposed to work under someone else's supervision. Of course, to get there requires a certain number of hours working under the head electrician for quite a bit less money. He was doing that, too to get his hours in. I saw him on the news getting busted for placing an ad on craigslist. Fox news, I'm sure. I understand the reason the law is in place, but if an individual decides to use a craftsman, he should be allowed to choose him, knowing how qualified (or un) he is. Maybe our guy is full-blown, now.
I know, this is a boring post today. Well, no news is good news.
Think how much money the world could save on coffee if we simply got adequate sleep...
Yeah, heavy.
My nose is waking me up. Went to doc, again, yesterday. My GP, who is probably over 65 and semi-retired knew what the latest research on sinus infections was. Impressive. He said most sinus infections are viral, but he gave me 5 days of antibiotic, anyway. I told him I didn't have prescription insurance, so he gave me samples. Fascinating, I know. But, nice. I'm also using Veramist nasal spray, Astapro nasal spray, Claritin-D. When I went to fill my prescription for cough med (so I can sleep without drainage, which did work for 6 hours).
I wanted to buy more Claritin-D because I knew I was running low. Not low enough, apparently, because she could only sell me 5 tablets without exceeding my limit for pseudoephedrine products. I know meth use is a terrible epidemic, and if the ingredients are readily available, that makes it easier to make. But, geez, people, your drug dependence is screwing with my sinuses! Plus, meth is yucky. (haha, as if making your own meth using cold medicine isn't a bad enough problem). I would guess people who make it themselves sell it, too. But, I don't know. More on that subject, I heard an author speaking about meth use in the midwest. He told the very tragic story of a guy who made meth in his house. Accidentally set his house on fire. Was burned. When police came, he asked them to shoot him. They didn't. He lived. Has no fingers. Ugh. SO sad. And, now is back on meth. UGH, so sad. So grateful to be sober!!! Thank you, God and Universe.
I googled meth use biography ohio and got this book review. I think this is the book. Another blogger. Hello, other blogger. Is your mom the only person who reads your blog, too? (And BMM, thank you for your patronage).
Had lessons with DID and DIT, yesterday. I had warned DID via facebook that I might be a little vulnerable. I don't know if he had read it before our lesson or not, but he was nice. And, although I felt like I was starting over cha cha at times, I also felt some improvement. I have a hard time telling what are rubber-bandy arms and what are too loose or too stiff. I NEED SOMEONE WITH WHOM I CAN PRACTICE.
Lesson with DIT was also fun. Tried the dress. I am going to rip and sew a slit up the right side to show off particular parts of the routine. Thinking about getting a new sewing machine.
Any product suggestions? Maybe google ads will give me some. The hug is actually get a lot better. It looks good. It's just getting out of the hug I am having a hard time with. I get my foot stuck on DIT's foot or I look silly taking my arms overhead. We are starting to add arms styling, one of which is me running my hand across his chest. Just seems silly and weird to me. But, he's the teacher, and I will defer to his expertise. DIT is so sweet. I don't think I have ever seen him even get irritated. And it doesn't seem like he's faking being happy. He said sometimes he does feel grumpy. He must be able to get out of it pretty quickly. Unlike DID and I - M O O D Y.
BH is moody, too!
Hank's been sleeping on his mattress at night. He fell off one night, and I put him back in our bed because he was irritated and I wanted to go back to sleep. I mentioned moving back downstairs to Brad. We could use the upstairs as an office/rec room. Put the tv and sofa up there, in addition to our desks. We could use the armoir thing as a divider. Wow, that is a good idea. We need to update the electrical and put in insulation if we move down here, though.
Anyone know a cheap electrician? Probably not. The guy we used to wire the shed, who did a great job, BTW, was not a full-blown electrician. I.e., he was supposed to work under someone else's supervision. Of course, to get there requires a certain number of hours working under the head electrician for quite a bit less money. He was doing that, too to get his hours in. I saw him on the news getting busted for placing an ad on craigslist. Fox news, I'm sure. I understand the reason the law is in place, but if an individual decides to use a craftsman, he should be allowed to choose him, knowing how qualified (or un) he is. Maybe our guy is full-blown, now.
I know, this is a boring post today. Well, no news is good news.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Flickr
I organized my flickr photos better this morning. Important stuff.
Woke up too early due to my sinuses running.
I feel fine. May go back to doc to see if antibiotic is actually working.
See if this works. Remember, it's an archive. EVERYTHING including the dog's dog and the dog's kitchen sink are there.
flickr
Annoyed with myself that I am letting what I think someone else's feelings about me are is occupying my thoughts and feelings. Reminder: do not yell at self to tell self to stop thinking about something. Dear Meredith, You are ok. You are doing the best you can. I like you. You are nice. Take care of me. Don't yell at me. Love, Self.
Get to have lessons with DIT and DID, today. Going to try out the rumba dress a little.
Woke up too early due to my sinuses running.
I feel fine. May go back to doc to see if antibiotic is actually working.
See if this works. Remember, it's an archive. EVERYTHING including the dog's dog and the dog's kitchen sink are there.
flickr
Annoyed with myself that I am letting what I think someone else's feelings about me are is occupying my thoughts and feelings. Reminder: do not yell at self to tell self to stop thinking about something. Dear Meredith, You are ok. You are doing the best you can. I like you. You are nice. Take care of me. Don't yell at me. Love, Self.
Get to have lessons with DIT and DID, today. Going to try out the rumba dress a little.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
without don henley
Last night made a little progress by just withdrawing when BH was in a mood. Without airing all our dirty laundry, this is the same place we have been since before we got married. It occurred to me this morning, beyond staying adult, which is going a little further than withdrawing, although in the moment I think I was relatively adult last night, I can be an advocate. It is challenging to stay adult and to not take it personally. However, I think I can do that. Beyond just struggling to stay in the present is, what does BH need from another person? It is clearer than ever that it is not about me, and is very much like -ism. The Jekyll and Hyde description from the Book comes to mind. And the Lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock for some reason. "That is not what I meant at all, that is not it at all." That's all I wanted to process with you, world.
In other news, read some of the Positive Discipline book during Hank's nap yesterday. Decided to put him on his mattress after he fell asleep last night. He is still there.
I was worried I was doing something to reinforce whining or eating cookies for lunch, but I don't think I am. Just like with the other situation, stay present, and don't take it personally. Oh, yeah, and be loving. I think I can do that, too.
Started a new bone health class at the J, yesterday. Seems like it will be a challenging and fun group. Also going to start back with the NC traveler next week - 2x/week.
In other news, read some of the Positive Discipline book during Hank's nap yesterday. Decided to put him on his mattress after he fell asleep last night. He is still there.
I was worried I was doing something to reinforce whining or eating cookies for lunch, but I don't think I am. Just like with the other situation, stay present, and don't take it personally. Oh, yeah, and be loving. I think I can do that, too.
Started a new bone health class at the J, yesterday. Seems like it will be a challenging and fun group. Also going to start back with the NC traveler next week - 2x/week.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
Latin Music and Dance Notes
Been meaning to make note of these things for future reference:
From the Capitol City Salsa Festival - Dancers and Dance Groups I enjoyed:
Majesty in Motion from San Diego - super polished, I saw 2 couples
Salsa Y Control from Boston: didn't get to see them, but I heard they are awesome
Mi Ritmo Dance Company from Mexico: fun and raunchy super fast salsa dancing
Yamulee Dance Company from Bronx, NY
Paladium Mambo Legends: Freddy Rios and Mike Ramos: WOW
Connally HS Latin Dance: missed them, but saw them getting ready. They looked 25
Semeneya Dance Company from San Antonio: big troupe
reKreation Dance Company from Houston: huge group of kids hip hop influence
Jazzy Dance Company from Austin: DID and company. They were so awesome. Their spins and costumes. I like the song, too. It sounded familiar. I will ask DID what it was.
Troy Anthony was MC, but apparently he dances with his wife, Jorjet. She danced with another partner. They have a son about Hank's age. I think they live in New Orleans.
Oliver Pineda from Sydney: He did a barefoot solo. He was amazing.
Notes from Latin Music Series on PBS: (I probably have many names misspelled)
Enjoyed the first 2 installments the most - the birth and history of mambo and salsa
Mambo and Afro Cuban Music = "Jazz on Top/Traditional Cuban rhythyms on bottom"
I had not considered the African roots from recent history that permeate Cuba. People who look "black" to me, speak Spanish, and seem "Latino" to me that are Cuban. I was a little puzzled as to why Cuban and Puerto Rican immigrants in the 1950's congregated in NYC. Why not somewhere closer, like Florida? Was there more discrimination and less of a community established there at that time? Due to travel options by boat? It seems, although the rest of the country was still backwards and segregated, in certain neighborhoods in New York City, e.g. El Bario, "minorities" were able to live relatively freely, although, in pretty much poverty. And it seems there was an acceptance between the African and Latin ethnicities. And then us whiteys wanted in on it at the Palladium. Midtown Manhattan nightclub frequently by celebrities and the origins of the mambo (salsa "on 2")
Song Watermelon Man - Mongo Santamarin
Song Boogaloo Blues - Johnny Colon
"Boogaloo" as origin of salsa music
Song I like it like that - Pete Rodriguez
Song El Malo - Willie Colon, trombonist, cool, young kid from El Bario, NY, now a producer
lots of funny record covers playing up "gangster"
Singer Hector Lavoe - died from AIDS 1993 - an interesting voice that sits well among the instruments for salsa - timbales, trombones, congas, clave. I guess he was a heroin addict. I guess that is how he got HIV - from intravenous drug use. He wore super 1970's suits, and looked kind of dorky, but in a cool way.
Cuatro player Yomo Toro made Christmas album, La Muerca with Willie Colon
Bill Graham - Jewish musician and dancer
Barbara Craddock - original Mambo dancer
Millie Donay - original Mambo dancer
Cuban Pete - original Mambo dancer, Roy Hernandez reminds me of him
Auggie Rodriguez and Margo Pato Ronay? - original Mambo dancers
Jerry Masuchi - founder of Fania Record label - assembled movie - Our Latin Thing, Anacaone - La Canterra
I got the sense that it was thought he was kind of a scoundrel, although, they never came out and said it. He died in 1993, "a rich man." Apparently some of the All Stars, including one who had written over 300 hits for the Fania All Stars, had to work a second job as a postman to make a living.
Ruben Blades - Panamanian lawyer turned singer, collaborated with Willie Colon. Has a beautiful voice, and was able to create imagery in Spanish lyrics that people enjoyed and could relate to.
Celia Cruz - Cuban singer later brought into Fania All Stars
Cheetah Club - Fania All Stars - "Birth of Salsa"
Johnny Bachecko
Roberto Rodriguez
Larry Spencer
Barry Roger
Reynaldo Jorge
Adalberto Santiago
Hector Lavoe
Roberto Roena
Johnny Pacheo
Orestes Vilato
Bobby Cruz
Santos Colon
Cheo Feliciano
From the Capitol City Salsa Festival - Dancers and Dance Groups I enjoyed:
Majesty in Motion from San Diego - super polished, I saw 2 couples
Salsa Y Control from Boston: didn't get to see them, but I heard they are awesome
Mi Ritmo Dance Company from Mexico: fun and raunchy super fast salsa dancing
Yamulee Dance Company from Bronx, NY
Paladium Mambo Legends: Freddy Rios and Mike Ramos: WOW
Connally HS Latin Dance: missed them, but saw them getting ready. They looked 25
Semeneya Dance Company from San Antonio: big troupe
reKreation Dance Company from Houston: huge group of kids hip hop influence
Jazzy Dance Company from Austin: DID and company. They were so awesome. Their spins and costumes. I like the song, too. It sounded familiar. I will ask DID what it was.
Troy Anthony was MC, but apparently he dances with his wife, Jorjet. She danced with another partner. They have a son about Hank's age. I think they live in New Orleans.
Oliver Pineda from Sydney: He did a barefoot solo. He was amazing.
Notes from Latin Music Series on PBS: (I probably have many names misspelled)
Enjoyed the first 2 installments the most - the birth and history of mambo and salsa
Mambo and Afro Cuban Music = "Jazz on Top/Traditional Cuban rhythyms on bottom"
I had not considered the African roots from recent history that permeate Cuba. People who look "black" to me, speak Spanish, and seem "Latino" to me that are Cuban. I was a little puzzled as to why Cuban and Puerto Rican immigrants in the 1950's congregated in NYC. Why not somewhere closer, like Florida? Was there more discrimination and less of a community established there at that time? Due to travel options by boat? It seems, although the rest of the country was still backwards and segregated, in certain neighborhoods in New York City, e.g. El Bario, "minorities" were able to live relatively freely, although, in pretty much poverty. And it seems there was an acceptance between the African and Latin ethnicities. And then us whiteys wanted in on it at the Palladium. Midtown Manhattan nightclub frequently by celebrities and the origins of the mambo (salsa "on 2")
Song Watermelon Man - Mongo Santamarin
Song Boogaloo Blues - Johnny Colon
"Boogaloo" as origin of salsa music
Song I like it like that - Pete Rodriguez
Song El Malo - Willie Colon, trombonist, cool, young kid from El Bario, NY, now a producer
lots of funny record covers playing up "gangster"
Singer Hector Lavoe - died from AIDS 1993 - an interesting voice that sits well among the instruments for salsa - timbales, trombones, congas, clave. I guess he was a heroin addict. I guess that is how he got HIV - from intravenous drug use. He wore super 1970's suits, and looked kind of dorky, but in a cool way.
Cuatro player Yomo Toro made Christmas album, La Muerca with Willie Colon
Bill Graham - Jewish musician and dancer
Barbara Craddock - original Mambo dancer
Millie Donay - original Mambo dancer
Cuban Pete - original Mambo dancer, Roy Hernandez reminds me of him
Auggie Rodriguez and Margo Pato Ronay? - original Mambo dancers
Jerry Masuchi - founder of Fania Record label - assembled movie - Our Latin Thing, Anacaone - La Canterra
I got the sense that it was thought he was kind of a scoundrel, although, they never came out and said it. He died in 1993, "a rich man." Apparently some of the All Stars, including one who had written over 300 hits for the Fania All Stars, had to work a second job as a postman to make a living.
Ruben Blades - Panamanian lawyer turned singer, collaborated with Willie Colon. Has a beautiful voice, and was able to create imagery in Spanish lyrics that people enjoyed and could relate to.
Celia Cruz - Cuban singer later brought into Fania All Stars
Cheetah Club - Fania All Stars - "Birth of Salsa"
Johnny Bachecko
Roberto Rodriguez
Larry Spencer
Barry Roger
Reynaldo Jorge
Adalberto Santiago
Hector Lavoe
Roberto Roena
Johnny Pacheo
Orestes Vilato
Bobby Cruz
Santos Colon
Cheo Feliciano
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Hello, World in November
Been busy with sick Hank, sick me, lots of personal training, cleaning, cooking. I think that about covers it. Oh, and reading any and every trashy magazine with anything related to Robert Pattinson or Twilight or Kristen Stewart. And fantasizing that I am the one and only fan that would not be irritating. I won't scream, I promise!
Regarding the recent tragedy at Fort Hood, I saw the breaking news broadcast and was so incredulous and sad. I said, "geezzzus!" And Hank said, "geezzzus!" Not at all funny, but kind of funny Hank picked that word to repeat. I tried to get him to say, "shit," yesterday, but no go. Don't worry, CPS, I won't be doing that, anymore!
Not pregnant. Kind of glad I don't happen to be pregnant this month so I don't just look fat for Showcase, but it wouldn't have been too fat. I would have just had some breasts.
The thing about the tank top is, I am not worried it's TOO sexy. I am worried mine doesn't look sexy at all! They went away I am telling you. This is prepubescent bs! OK, I'm fine. Not a big deal in the Universe. Just a very very minor irritation that was caused by the greatest Joy in my life. No Big Deal!
Can't wait for New Moon. Downloaded Midnight Sun (first 12 chapters). It can't be printed! LAME. I was able to print 2 chapters off some crazy site, but it took 9 million years, and I was getting grey hair. Those 2 chapters were great, though.
Really going to try to get to deja vu tomorrow night. Wanted to go last week, but was too tired.
I think I am done being irritated with DPB about not going. He's got his own stuff going on. Not about me AT ALL. And I really really really don't like it when I allow an irritation to come out sideways. Plus, it's a delusion men and women can be good friends. It's true if a man wants to be good friends with a woman, it's because he hopes, someday, they'll have sex. I know I have blabbed about this a lot, but it's an old idea I keep taking back. I, as a woman, can be friends with anyone, but if a man doesn't want to have sex with you, and he is straight, he is not going to spend very much time or energy on you. I don't think that one is right and one is wrong, I just think we are two different animals that sometimes communicate on some level that satisfies each of us. The rest of the time, we are puzzled with each other. I think Brad still thinks I can read his mind. "You have to verbalize your wants and needs. I don't know what they are from moment to moment." I know what the look of blankness usually means, but I don't know where it's coming from or what I should do differently, per se.
Dear XY's, we XX's need to be told, in words, what you want, what you need. I know we can't expect to hear how you feel, but maybe a happy or sad from time to time. We also need you to tell us the same things over and over again, because we forgot. Yes, you proposed, and that means you wanted to marry us, but in our minds, you could be fantasizing about divorce or anything other than being married to us since about 1 week after we got back from the honeymoon. Know what I mean? Please, humor us, just a little! We will sincerely try to lay off the waterworks when you say anything that could possibly be considered critical of us or anything in our general vicinity that is a direct reflection of us. : )
I was going to do some dance drills and finish watching The Recruit, which would SUCK without Colin Farrell, BTW. But, I am going to sleep. Sleepy!!!
Regarding the recent tragedy at Fort Hood, I saw the breaking news broadcast and was so incredulous and sad. I said, "geezzzus!" And Hank said, "geezzzus!" Not at all funny, but kind of funny Hank picked that word to repeat. I tried to get him to say, "shit," yesterday, but no go. Don't worry, CPS, I won't be doing that, anymore!
Not pregnant. Kind of glad I don't happen to be pregnant this month so I don't just look fat for Showcase, but it wouldn't have been too fat. I would have just had some breasts.
The thing about the tank top is, I am not worried it's TOO sexy. I am worried mine doesn't look sexy at all! They went away I am telling you. This is prepubescent bs! OK, I'm fine. Not a big deal in the Universe. Just a very very minor irritation that was caused by the greatest Joy in my life. No Big Deal!
Can't wait for New Moon. Downloaded Midnight Sun (first 12 chapters). It can't be printed! LAME. I was able to print 2 chapters off some crazy site, but it took 9 million years, and I was getting grey hair. Those 2 chapters were great, though.
Really going to try to get to deja vu tomorrow night. Wanted to go last week, but was too tired.
I think I am done being irritated with DPB about not going. He's got his own stuff going on. Not about me AT ALL. And I really really really don't like it when I allow an irritation to come out sideways. Plus, it's a delusion men and women can be good friends. It's true if a man wants to be good friends with a woman, it's because he hopes, someday, they'll have sex. I know I have blabbed about this a lot, but it's an old idea I keep taking back. I, as a woman, can be friends with anyone, but if a man doesn't want to have sex with you, and he is straight, he is not going to spend very much time or energy on you. I don't think that one is right and one is wrong, I just think we are two different animals that sometimes communicate on some level that satisfies each of us. The rest of the time, we are puzzled with each other. I think Brad still thinks I can read his mind. "You have to verbalize your wants and needs. I don't know what they are from moment to moment." I know what the look of blankness usually means, but I don't know where it's coming from or what I should do differently, per se.
Dear XY's, we XX's need to be told, in words, what you want, what you need. I know we can't expect to hear how you feel, but maybe a happy or sad from time to time. We also need you to tell us the same things over and over again, because we forgot. Yes, you proposed, and that means you wanted to marry us, but in our minds, you could be fantasizing about divorce or anything other than being married to us since about 1 week after we got back from the honeymoon. Know what I mean? Please, humor us, just a little! We will sincerely try to lay off the waterworks when you say anything that could possibly be considered critical of us or anything in our general vicinity that is a direct reflection of us. : )
I was going to do some dance drills and finish watching The Recruit, which would SUCK without Colin Farrell, BTW. But, I am going to sleep. Sleepy!!!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
the Joy of taking appropriate responsibility
Exchanged emails with DID, and I am very impressed with his Maturity and Willingness to learn about himself and me. Not only to make him a more effective instructor, but to lift each of us up to be better Humans. I wrongly assumed he just cringed and wished I would get over it, regarding my being extra-sensitive. I did not sense cringing from his email. He seems genuinely willing to Adapt and Grow. I feel the same way. My "c>::" prompt with him is, "make Dad proud of you," which puts me in this tense and child-like place. Staying present is the key! Duh!
Still feeling grateful I tried to find "egomaniac with an inferiority complex" in the Literature. I still haven't found it, nor have I found anyone who can, but I was reminded of so many gem-mantras. "God is either everything or he is nothing," implying God is with us in the Present, but not in the future or in the past. The reason why those places are cryptic and often painful, at worst, and at best, are diverting our attention away from our Gift - the Present!
Was mindful to stay Present yesterday while walking Hank to get my allergies shots. That objective, in itself, is a meditation. To not verbally chastise myself when I get into the future, or on occasion, the past, is the challenge. Instead, recall Mary Steinhardt. "Isn't that interesting?"
I started writing an erotic novel, which none of you will ever read. It's kind of a special interest erotic novel. I'll be just that cryptic and stop. I told Brad, and he thought I said, "a neurotic novel." I have already written that one. It's called "my blog." Although, I actually do have another one I have started about family vacations in NM. Wrote 3 pages yesterday during Hank's nap.
Looking so forward to the salsa workshop today, practicing with DPB, and seeing the performances tonight!!! Does that count as not being in the Present? I don't think so. I guess the key to looking forward to something is not predicting the outcomes.
Still feeling grateful I tried to find "egomaniac with an inferiority complex" in the Literature. I still haven't found it, nor have I found anyone who can, but I was reminded of so many gem-mantras. "God is either everything or he is nothing," implying God is with us in the Present, but not in the future or in the past. The reason why those places are cryptic and often painful, at worst, and at best, are diverting our attention away from our Gift - the Present!
Was mindful to stay Present yesterday while walking Hank to get my allergies shots. That objective, in itself, is a meditation. To not verbally chastise myself when I get into the future, or on occasion, the past, is the challenge. Instead, recall Mary Steinhardt. "Isn't that interesting?"
I started writing an erotic novel, which none of you will ever read. It's kind of a special interest erotic novel. I'll be just that cryptic and stop. I told Brad, and he thought I said, "a neurotic novel." I have already written that one. It's called "my blog." Although, I actually do have another one I have started about family vacations in NM. Wrote 3 pages yesterday during Hank's nap.
Looking so forward to the salsa workshop today, practicing with DPB, and seeing the performances tonight!!! Does that count as not being in the Present? I don't think so. I guess the key to looking forward to something is not predicting the outcomes.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wade in the Water
After going through the litany of songs from gymnastics, ABC, Blackbird, and Yellow Submarine, I sang Swing Low, Sweet Chariot to Hank last night. Don't know why that occurred to me. Of course, I'd like to think it's the alto vocal cords I was born with that Hank likes, but I have read that babies up to a certain age like the sound of their mother's singing even if she is completely tone deaf. And, I know, one of these days, I will hear, "aw, mom!" when I break into song, but right now I am enjoying thinking he is soothed by every note.
He still lets me pick a little on the guitar, too, before he goes for the tuning knobs. I think I'll add some other "old, negro spirituals" to our bedtime set. Is that what we're supposed to call them? Civil War-era African American folk music. How's that? I prefer black and white. I actually prefer whitey for folks like me, but you can't use it in scientific literature (such as this blog).
Looking forward to watching some dancing this weekend at the CCSF. Also, getting to go to a couple of workshops taught by the male world champion. Wonder if he can make me cry? haha.
(No one can MAKE anyone cry. I know). And some social dancing with people I will hopefully never see again. Had ANOTHER replay with DID. We agreed he will say, "stinky feet," when he feels himself transforming into the Hulk when my right arm is too relaxed or not relaxed enough.
Universe, please bring me a neutral dance partner with whom I can practice. Love, Meredith
(Yes, I know you already brought DPB, but because he didn't hear your message, you're gonna have to send another one. Thanks).
He still lets me pick a little on the guitar, too, before he goes for the tuning knobs. I think I'll add some other "old, negro spirituals" to our bedtime set. Is that what we're supposed to call them? Civil War-era African American folk music. How's that? I prefer black and white. I actually prefer whitey for folks like me, but you can't use it in scientific literature (such as this blog).
Looking forward to watching some dancing this weekend at the CCSF. Also, getting to go to a couple of workshops taught by the male world champion. Wonder if he can make me cry? haha.
(No one can MAKE anyone cry. I know). And some social dancing with people I will hopefully never see again. Had ANOTHER replay with DID. We agreed he will say, "stinky feet," when he feels himself transforming into the Hulk when my right arm is too relaxed or not relaxed enough.
Universe, please bring me a neutral dance partner with whom I can practice. Love, Meredith
(Yes, I know you already brought DPB, but because he didn't hear your message, you're gonna have to send another one. Thanks).
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
nothing going on
I always remember Mickey B saying to me, probably around this time of year, "Meredith, you are the only one who doesn't think you have 'hit bottom.'" I imagine him saying the opposite to me, today. "Meredith, you are the only one who thinks there is any drama. There is none." Correct.
I think I just missed reading Twilights and wanted something to think about. Not necessary. And, it's not like I don't have enough to actually DO. I guess escaping in fantasy, be it someone else's or my own, from time to time, withOUT taking hostages, is permitted.
Looking for "egomaniac with an inferiority complex" in a book, and instead was reminded of so many mantras that used to occupy my thoughts..."see what we can pack into the stream of life"..."what can we give, not what can we get"...and one that I think about, still, from time to time, "everyday IS Groundhog Day."
My head is stuffy from the sinus infection that I think has been waxing and waning for weeks and never fully waned. Finally went to doc. Got some prednisone. Look out, dirty house! (Actually, it's already pretty clean).
I think I just missed reading Twilights and wanted something to think about. Not necessary. And, it's not like I don't have enough to actually DO. I guess escaping in fantasy, be it someone else's or my own, from time to time, withOUT taking hostages, is permitted.
Looking for "egomaniac with an inferiority complex" in a book, and instead was reminded of so many mantras that used to occupy my thoughts..."see what we can pack into the stream of life"..."what can we give, not what can we get"...and one that I think about, still, from time to time, "everyday IS Groundhog Day."
My head is stuffy from the sinus infection that I think has been waxing and waning for weeks and never fully waned. Finally went to doc. Got some prednisone. Look out, dirty house! (Actually, it's already pretty clean).
Monday, October 19, 2009
I'll let you know
when I have a normal dream. Last night I dreamed I went on a long, plastic roller coaster with Mindy Montfort after meeting Diana on a high bridge over Lake Austin where she worked (outside). Then met the actual DA I would be working with. We ate pimento cheese sandwiches on the top floor of the courthouse building. Told me his wife had been arrested in Europe for ordering a fruity drink that had been misinterpreted. Made an escape from an interior subway stand inside a high-rise building. Told them we were in the Swedish music program for children (through high school). Apparently, it was not mean to kids, but they slept like sardines stacked in closely packed containers. Woke up with a foot on my neck...
Despite reasons for, I have decided against DPB being a good DP for moi. My level of attractedness at neutral (neither attracted to, nor repelled by) was the most appealing, but height, skill, and our goals seemed like good reasons. But he has irritated me to the point of thinking it's a bad idea. So, beyond our LB team performance, no more!
In bad news, I keep getting sinus infections!!! Boo.
In good news, Nana is coming back to town!!! Yeah.
Despite reasons for, I have decided against DPB being a good DP for moi. My level of attractedness at neutral (neither attracted to, nor repelled by) was the most appealing, but height, skill, and our goals seemed like good reasons. But he has irritated me to the point of thinking it's a bad idea. So, beyond our LB team performance, no more!
In bad news, I keep getting sinus infections!!! Boo.
In good news, Nana is coming back to town!!! Yeah.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
so much to say
Been writing to you a lot, lately, world. Got home from teaching and Hank and Brad were asleep. I ate, showered, and now have what appears to be some free time on my hands. I think the couch is calling my name. I don't want to risk waking anyone up. DIT and his wife came to my weight-lifting class. I am impressed with their core strength! I was very thrilled to have them there. I was nervous, and it was not as good of a class as it usually is. DIT is such a good teacher. I felt goofy teaching in front of him. Silly.
Had a good practice with DPB yesterday, before official practice, and during. We have lots in common. Some of which explain some of his eccentricities. I'm sure he feels the same way about me and mine. There is part in the blues section where I walk backwards, facing him, and am shimmying my shoulders. He is on his knees. I told him I will die if I look at him during that part. I think it's true. It's a character to be played. It will take courage, but I will risk death to try it. We have the choreo down well for the Lindy section. We have most of the blues section, and it's not hard, it's just a matter of getting the timing and steps down. Then, I suppose when we feel bored with all the steps, we add styling. That will be fun, too. Although, having the acoustic version of Layla in my head is driving me a little nuts.
Way to go, Texas, yesterday!!! Colt told Bradford he was praying for him after the game, while he hugged him. Colt also hugged Bob Stoops. Ew. But, so sweet. Texas said it was an honor to play against a man such as Bradford, the Heisman Trophy winner. So humble and magnanimous. I love that. And they did service work this summer. So great. Way to go, Mac Brown!!! Power used for Good!!!
Had a good practice with DPB yesterday, before official practice, and during. We have lots in common. Some of which explain some of his eccentricities. I'm sure he feels the same way about me and mine. There is part in the blues section where I walk backwards, facing him, and am shimmying my shoulders. He is on his knees. I told him I will die if I look at him during that part. I think it's true. It's a character to be played. It will take courage, but I will risk death to try it. We have the choreo down well for the Lindy section. We have most of the blues section, and it's not hard, it's just a matter of getting the timing and steps down. Then, I suppose when we feel bored with all the steps, we add styling. That will be fun, too. Although, having the acoustic version of Layla in my head is driving me a little nuts.
Way to go, Texas, yesterday!!! Colt told Bradford he was praying for him after the game, while he hugged him. Colt also hugged Bob Stoops. Ew. But, so sweet. Texas said it was an honor to play against a man such as Bradford, the Heisman Trophy winner. So humble and magnanimous. I love that. And they did service work this summer. So great. Way to go, Mac Brown!!! Power used for Good!!!
Friday, October 16, 2009
I know what to do...
One is easy, simple, not without effort, but always with a smile, and always leaving me with a smile. One is moody, always changing. One minute everything is fine, the next minute, it's all wrong. One is always authentic and wants to know my authentic self. I can't tell if the other one is or not, or cares about me at all or not. It so straightforward, but I guess the rest of my life is so completely without drama, that I keep wishing the hardware store will finally be stocking bread.
I think another one is trying to quit me entirely, but that just may be my ego with an inferiority complex. Today was good until about an hour ago. Tomorrow get to do lots of dancing. I look forward to that.
I think another one is trying to quit me entirely, but that just may be my ego with an inferiority complex. Today was good until about an hour ago. Tomorrow get to do lots of dancing. I look forward to that.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Very rough first part of Rumba with DIT with DID talking in background
Had a fun lesson with DID, although I feel like I have no idea how to cha cha, now.
And had a very fun lesson with DIT, afterwards. We are going to take out the hug (wow, it looks silly when I do it!), but the end has a crazy (for me) long pivot turn with us connected, and the ragdoll, which I had never done before today.
And had a very fun lesson with DIT, afterwards. We are going to take out the hug (wow, it looks silly when I do it!), but the end has a crazy (for me) long pivot turn with us connected, and the ragdoll, which I had never done before today.
it's the B's
I think I have felt like a "normal person" for the last week or so due to getting enough B vitamins. That's the only variable in my intake that has changed, and it's been easy to do the things I had planned, and leave the house when I intended. I suppose this, too, shall pass, but I am riding it as long as I can.
Just got some really awesome news. I get to teach a class at UT in the spring. An undergraduate class I took as a grad student for my diss - Theories of Substance Abuse Prevention. Wow. That is so awesome!!!
Had a lesson with DIT for the 1st time in a couple of weeks. Took longer to remember the routine, consequently. And I think we are getting rid of the hug. Mostly because I am having a hard time getting out of it. He is so sweet and fun. Tomorrow a double whammy with DID then DIT. I am looking forward to it. (I should say today, because I woke up hungry at 2 am).
I've been bugging DPB to become "official dance partners". I don't think he's into the idea. Maybe for obvious reasons, but maybe I am being silly. I keep fantasizing about how awesome it would be to have a dance partner, and frankly, him in particular. We practiced together the other day outside regular practice, and it would be so fun to practice with the same person all the time and for free. He is reasonable and not creepy, and it seems like our strengths and weaknesses are well-balanced. I am so inclined to force my will on people, though. I think I need to let it go.
I woke up hungry, but I also woke up thinking when I tell myself, or DID tells me to "relax," it has the opposite effect. I was kind of tense about not remembering parts of the Rumba, and it did not work to tell myself, "relax!" It only works to tell myself to "relax" in the same way I would tell Hank to "relax." I felt plenty relaxed in my consciousness. I even enjoyed the crazed giddiness of the swim teamers yesterday, but for whatever reason was irritated at myself for the brain farts.
Listening to Bon Iver. DPB and my friend, Dane, mentioned them regarding ACL, and Dane highly recommended I get the 2 records. He is awesome. I was thinking that Dave Matthews' Before These Crowded Streets was the last record I wanted to make-out to before these 2. "Blood Bank" is seriously hot. I think the last time I made out to DM was in the year 2000. That is funny. Colorado. I tried to make out with Brad to Bad Company, and he made fun of me. I could have laughed, but it hurt my feelings. It was kind of funny. That was probably in 2003 or 2004. I remember I wanted to make out with TZ to DM, before I met Brad. That is pretty funny, too. Seems like God led me with that record - from CO, to TZ, and all the way to Brad.
Hank reportedly had a "great day" at school on Tuesday, despite crying when I left. That is the most heart-breaking sensation of all time. And I had to keep talking myself down off the ledge of heart-break, but I got SO much cleaning done, and saw a client while he was at school, so it was a great 4 hours for both of us.
OK, ate some waffles. Back to bed!
Just got some really awesome news. I get to teach a class at UT in the spring. An undergraduate class I took as a grad student for my diss - Theories of Substance Abuse Prevention. Wow. That is so awesome!!!
Had a lesson with DIT for the 1st time in a couple of weeks. Took longer to remember the routine, consequently. And I think we are getting rid of the hug. Mostly because I am having a hard time getting out of it. He is so sweet and fun. Tomorrow a double whammy with DID then DIT. I am looking forward to it. (I should say today, because I woke up hungry at 2 am).
I've been bugging DPB to become "official dance partners". I don't think he's into the idea. Maybe for obvious reasons, but maybe I am being silly. I keep fantasizing about how awesome it would be to have a dance partner, and frankly, him in particular. We practiced together the other day outside regular practice, and it would be so fun to practice with the same person all the time and for free. He is reasonable and not creepy, and it seems like our strengths and weaknesses are well-balanced. I am so inclined to force my will on people, though. I think I need to let it go.
I woke up hungry, but I also woke up thinking when I tell myself, or DID tells me to "relax," it has the opposite effect. I was kind of tense about not remembering parts of the Rumba, and it did not work to tell myself, "relax!" It only works to tell myself to "relax" in the same way I would tell Hank to "relax." I felt plenty relaxed in my consciousness. I even enjoyed the crazed giddiness of the swim teamers yesterday, but for whatever reason was irritated at myself for the brain farts.
Listening to Bon Iver. DPB and my friend, Dane, mentioned them regarding ACL, and Dane highly recommended I get the 2 records. He is awesome. I was thinking that Dave Matthews' Before These Crowded Streets was the last record I wanted to make-out to before these 2. "Blood Bank" is seriously hot. I think the last time I made out to DM was in the year 2000. That is funny. Colorado. I tried to make out with Brad to Bad Company, and he made fun of me. I could have laughed, but it hurt my feelings. It was kind of funny. That was probably in 2003 or 2004. I remember I wanted to make out with TZ to DM, before I met Brad. That is pretty funny, too. Seems like God led me with that record - from CO, to TZ, and all the way to Brad.
Hank reportedly had a "great day" at school on Tuesday, despite crying when I left. That is the most heart-breaking sensation of all time. And I had to keep talking myself down off the ledge of heart-break, but I got SO much cleaning done, and saw a client while he was at school, so it was a great 4 hours for both of us.
OK, ate some waffles. Back to bed!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
back to trugding the road of
So sleepy tonight, then woke right up at 2:00 AM for some reason. Thinking about my showcase fundraiser, need to get back on the donation solicitation band wagon. Garage sale - 1 step at a time. Start with pricing a couple of items each day. Spending some structured quality time with Hank each day. I think it's time to move from organic and self-directed play, towards some slightly more formal exposure to different activities. Gradually, for fun and for free, but with mom as a fun leader/companion.
Finished Breaking Dawn. Loved the series, but sad it's over. I find myself drifiting off to sleep dreaming about Edward and Bella. Looking forward to some where I star as Bella. : ) I know my subconscious is good for it. OK, back to sleep. Still sleepy. Must be alert for Lindy and Blues practice tomorrow.
Enjoyed having the 95% relaxed Brad on the trip this weekend.
Enjoyed watching high school from a distance and without pain that used to accompany it. No longing, just peaceful observation and delight. What a miracle.
Finished Breaking Dawn. Loved the series, but sad it's over. I find myself drifiting off to sleep dreaming about Edward and Bella. Looking forward to some where I star as Bella. : ) I know my subconscious is good for it. OK, back to sleep. Still sleepy. Must be alert for Lindy and Blues practice tomorrow.
Enjoyed having the 95% relaxed Brad on the trip this weekend.
Enjoyed watching high school from a distance and without pain that used to accompany it. No longing, just peaceful observation and delight. What a miracle.
Friday, October 09, 2009
in between illnesses, life is good
Just a little complaint that Hank McGermington brings home germs from school, and they have a medium time on him, but realize the party starts when they get home to immune system- compromised mom and dad, and especially mom. They feel like a death bed, but fortunatey only last 2-3 days.
Up in Big D. Played the ESD BBQ Homecoming. I was mistaken, although this class of seniors is graduation in 2010, it is the 2009, 1999, and 1989's we are celebrating this fall. Doesn't seem logical to me, but oh well. The facilities are just fantastic. Like a fancy college campus. Especially in arts and sciences. Good for them. I wish them well. I am super sleepy and am signing off. Back in Austin for Lindy practice at 12 tomorrow.
OK, I am so sleepy!
Finished Breaking Dawn. So excellent. Want MORE!
PS I had a huge epiphany regarding salsa and social partner dancing versus other partner dances. More later. Don't lose any fingergnails, though...
Up in Big D. Played the ESD BBQ Homecoming. I was mistaken, although this class of seniors is graduation in 2010, it is the 2009, 1999, and 1989's we are celebrating this fall. Doesn't seem logical to me, but oh well. The facilities are just fantastic. Like a fancy college campus. Especially in arts and sciences. Good for them. I wish them well. I am super sleepy and am signing off. Back in Austin for Lindy practice at 12 tomorrow.
OK, I am so sleepy!
Finished Breaking Dawn. So excellent. Want MORE!
PS I had a huge epiphany regarding salsa and social partner dancing versus other partner dances. More later. Don't lose any fingergnails, though...
Thursday, October 01, 2009
went well
Trip to MI went well. Worrying is never worth it. Although it did make for one pleasant surprise after another. Flights to MI were great. I now love Continental Airlines. Every single employee from the ground crew to the pilot went out of his/her way to be sweet. So sweet! Of course, staying at D&D's was great. More baby-proof than our place. Mostly because the electronic devices were inaccessible. They were extremely hospitable. So much more than I am. (Progress, not perfection). Of course, the wedding was great. Hank and I walked around the front yard during the ceremony, but the rest of the time, he went with the flow. I was irked, but should have been glad, he was mostly more content to sit with an uncle than with me. Went to a neat event downtown on Sunday. I had a hypoglycemic fugue, but once I decided to eat some of Hank's snacks, I was fine. Brad and I enjoyed ourselves, wink wink, nudge nudge. I feel like I am already pregnant, but am probably just having PMS. Had a dark mental cloud removed last night at my lesson with DIT. He is the opposite of moody. Almost finished reading Eclipse, the 3rd in the Twilight series. LOVE IT. Robert Pattinson is so yummy. The gal who plays Bella is cute, too. I'm not sure I want to see the movie, though. Right now, I have my own images, and I don't want them ruined. MAYBE after I finish Breaking Dawn. Sometime next week? I don't think I have ever been able to stay up late reading until these books. Millions of teenaged girls were dead on! Off to ride the bike and finish reading!!! Love
Thursday, September 24, 2009
actually went
Went to "The Fed." So proud of myself for actually going, and grateful DPB and his GF escorted me. Now, I feel very comfortable to go by myself. Lindy and swing are smiley dances. I can't help but smile the whole time. Especially Lindy. Especially dancing with DPB. When we do a swing-out, especially to open, there is so much tangential force, it's like a very powerful merry-go-round. So much more fun even than a backspot turn. Next time I'll go by myself and ask people to dance I don't know! I know, wild. It was funny DPB told me he and his GF had been dating "off and on" for a while after I asked how they met. He didn't need to include the off detail. But, only a man would not think that was weird. He was so sweet and attentive to see that she was ok if he wasn't dancing with her. I can't believe he's not married. Maybe he has a 3rd nipple. Just kidding. He seems like Brad in that he is all things wonderful. And, he dances! Brad is still all things wonderful even though he refuses to even try dancing. That makes me sad because I think he would like it (especially swing and lindy), and I think it would be good for us, but I need to respect his desire and lack of. I don't think there are many things I wouldn't try once. I will try to think of something. I don't want to try juggling with fire. I don't want to try eating insects. Hm, that's about all I can think of.
actually going
If all goes as planned, I am going to the Fed (Women's Federation) tonight to Lindy and swing. I've planned to go about 8 times, and I always decide to go to sleep instead. This time, I found someone who agreed to pick me up, and I don't have to get up early tomorrow, or function much, as we will be flying most of the day.
Had a fun lesson with DID today. He was a couple of minutes late, which I didn't even notice until he said so, but it put him in a humble and sweet mood. I made many of the mistakes I always make that usually bug him, and he just either said that's ok, or corrected me in a nice way, or let them go entirely. I am starting to feel a little more coordinated at waltz. Of course, we have done very few figures, but the heel toe, toe, toe heel for forward, and toe heel, toe, toe heel for going backwards and switching in between is challenging. I suppose it becomes a no brainer, eventually. Then we did some two-step, which is also feeling a little better. Seems like we got a little of that rubber band thing going on these things that are similar to cross-over breaks, to me, but move down the line of dance. I wish I could get DPB to practice 2-step with me a lot. I think we should become amateur partners and climb our way up to the ladder of masters champions. I don't even know if they have masters like in running, I am just assuming we would have to get pretty old to become champions. I also wish he would do Latin with me. Gary was very sweet and encouraged me after our lesson. I appreciate that. I appreciate the hospitality of the other instructors there from whom I have never taken a lesson or even a group class. It's nice they acknowledge peoples' presence. I always try to do that at the J, too.
DPB is bringing his lady friend to the Fed. I was going to have a lady friend of my own (who likes ladies) but she had last minute other plans. So, instead it will be me, and mom and dad. That's cool.
Almost finishing packing for MI. We are going SUPER minimalist with only one suitcase total, one backpack, and the car seat. I have snacks packed for HH, and most of our quart-sized baggies packed. What a pain in the neck those terrorists have caused. Killing innocents and annoying the rest of us. I would be extremely inconvenienced if it meant we would actually be safe, but I doubt that the baggies are keeping us any safer than we were before 9/11.
Had a fun lesson with DID today. He was a couple of minutes late, which I didn't even notice until he said so, but it put him in a humble and sweet mood. I made many of the mistakes I always make that usually bug him, and he just either said that's ok, or corrected me in a nice way, or let them go entirely. I am starting to feel a little more coordinated at waltz. Of course, we have done very few figures, but the heel toe, toe, toe heel for forward, and toe heel, toe, toe heel for going backwards and switching in between is challenging. I suppose it becomes a no brainer, eventually. Then we did some two-step, which is also feeling a little better. Seems like we got a little of that rubber band thing going on these things that are similar to cross-over breaks, to me, but move down the line of dance. I wish I could get DPB to practice 2-step with me a lot. I think we should become amateur partners and climb our way up to the ladder of masters champions. I don't even know if they have masters like in running, I am just assuming we would have to get pretty old to become champions. I also wish he would do Latin with me. Gary was very sweet and encouraged me after our lesson. I appreciate that. I appreciate the hospitality of the other instructors there from whom I have never taken a lesson or even a group class. It's nice they acknowledge peoples' presence. I always try to do that at the J, too.
DPB is bringing his lady friend to the Fed. I was going to have a lady friend of my own (who likes ladies) but she had last minute other plans. So, instead it will be me, and mom and dad. That's cool.
Almost finishing packing for MI. We are going SUPER minimalist with only one suitcase total, one backpack, and the car seat. I have snacks packed for HH, and most of our quart-sized baggies packed. What a pain in the neck those terrorists have caused. Killing innocents and annoying the rest of us. I would be extremely inconvenienced if it meant we would actually be safe, but I doubt that the baggies are keeping us any safer than we were before 9/11.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
funny blues practice
Had a lesson with DIT and DPB for the first part of the blues part of the lindy/blues routine since I am going to miss practice on Saturday. I am getting a little better, at least internally, about full body contact. DPB is extremely unweird and uncreepy. It is me who is weird and creepy. haha. It's the "act as if" phenomenon at work, for me (probably plus some pheromones and some astrological convergence). Like I have mentioned, I don't think the arms in salsa are particularly sexy, especially what the guy does, but touching his shoulder and running my hand down his arm, whoever he is, with the right he, on repeat, makes something physiological happen to me. I know I have self-control, and it's not like it's an uncontrollable desire, but take my body, and my brain follows. Works for and against me.
Feeling a little calmer about going MI. BH surprised me by taking off today and tomorrow before we leave. He wants to study, but he is going to pick up Hank from school so that he can see the school, and I can stay at my bonus lesson with DID until the end of the hour. I have a desire to confess my crazy thoughts to DID, but I don't think he cares, and I don't know if it would make it worse or better.
DPB, CS-D, and I are going to the Fed tomorrow night. I don't have to set my alarm to wake up early tomorrow or Friday. Woo Hoo!!! I will probably be up by 5:30 tomorrow, but I could lie there as long as I want to.
The funny thing that happened at our lesson is that there is a part where I take DPB by his tie and walk in front of him, kind of slowly, with attitude, Dee said, and DPB said "that's hot." I think he was kidding, but I did start blushing. I said I had never done that before to anyone. He and DIT laughed and said "someone has homework." BH will, theoretically, be wearing a tie on Saturday. I am hoping at least someone, be it Dawn, Dave, Katy, Dylann, Amy, Jeff, anyone, will entertain Hank for a few minutes to give BH and I some alone time. It's been at least a couple of months, probably longer. This puzzles me greatly. Don't all men want to have sex as often as possible? I'm all about putting on a tantalizing outfit, but Lord, let him start the ignition. Or at least get out the driving directions. Or type in mapquest. I'll take it from there. It doesn't take very long. 30 minutes from start to finish? It's not like I need an hour of foreplay or anything. A couple of sentences phrased in a certain way is plenty. Sorry to get lewd, but holy cow, I get exasperated. Help!
At the same time, I am enjoying having my body back!!! If we aren't trying very hard to get me pregnant, I will probably end up pregnant. I don't believe God micromanages my ovulation. Unfortunately, I am stealthier than I was prepregnancy. Oh, I don't know if it's unfortunate or not. It annoys me, but they felt enormous to me while pregnant and nursing. Now, I feel like I have my high school body, again. Although, 20 pounds denser.
Feeling a little calmer about going MI. BH surprised me by taking off today and tomorrow before we leave. He wants to study, but he is going to pick up Hank from school so that he can see the school, and I can stay at my bonus lesson with DID until the end of the hour. I have a desire to confess my crazy thoughts to DID, but I don't think he cares, and I don't know if it would make it worse or better.
DPB, CS-D, and I are going to the Fed tomorrow night. I don't have to set my alarm to wake up early tomorrow or Friday. Woo Hoo!!! I will probably be up by 5:30 tomorrow, but I could lie there as long as I want to.
The funny thing that happened at our lesson is that there is a part where I take DPB by his tie and walk in front of him, kind of slowly, with attitude, Dee said, and DPB said "that's hot." I think he was kidding, but I did start blushing. I said I had never done that before to anyone. He and DIT laughed and said "someone has homework." BH will, theoretically, be wearing a tie on Saturday. I am hoping at least someone, be it Dawn, Dave, Katy, Dylann, Amy, Jeff, anyone, will entertain Hank for a few minutes to give BH and I some alone time. It's been at least a couple of months, probably longer. This puzzles me greatly. Don't all men want to have sex as often as possible? I'm all about putting on a tantalizing outfit, but Lord, let him start the ignition. Or at least get out the driving directions. Or type in mapquest. I'll take it from there. It doesn't take very long. 30 minutes from start to finish? It's not like I need an hour of foreplay or anything. A couple of sentences phrased in a certain way is plenty. Sorry to get lewd, but holy cow, I get exasperated. Help!
At the same time, I am enjoying having my body back!!! If we aren't trying very hard to get me pregnant, I will probably end up pregnant. I don't believe God micromanages my ovulation. Unfortunately, I am stealthier than I was prepregnancy. Oh, I don't know if it's unfortunate or not. It annoys me, but they felt enormous to me while pregnant and nursing. Now, I feel like I have my high school body, again. Although, 20 pounds denser.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
tired
feeling tired lately. the only things I want to do are cuddle (with anyone in my house), dance, sleep. going to take some iron and B12. love the rain. took Hank to school. going to exercise and nap after my client.
I decided my gross generalization about physical contact and women and dancing is, women interpret close, physical contact as emotional intimacy. men don't. even if the contact is non-sexual, we, subconsciously, start receiving it as emotional closeness. that explains why I am so freaky. not freaky like black people mean. (I still want to find out exactly what that is). but freaky about touching. because it means more than he thinks it does, whoever he is. but, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, right? I don't believe that for a second, but I'll go with it.
worried about going to MI. mostly the plane ride. I think I already mentioned that. well, still worried.
I decided my gross generalization about physical contact and women and dancing is, women interpret close, physical contact as emotional intimacy. men don't. even if the contact is non-sexual, we, subconsciously, start receiving it as emotional closeness. that explains why I am so freaky. not freaky like black people mean. (I still want to find out exactly what that is). but freaky about touching. because it means more than he thinks it does, whoever he is. but, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, right? I don't believe that for a second, but I'll go with it.
worried about going to MI. mostly the plane ride. I think I already mentioned that. well, still worried.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
long week
This week felt like at least 2 weeks. Hank started "school." He cries when I leave, but they say he has fun. It's 4 hours, 2x/week. I plan to work 2-3 hours at the J or here once I know he's doing well there, consistently.
Had a sad lesson with DID, yesterday. God bless him. I think he and Brad are similar in that when I cry, or any woman cries for that matter, they are absolutely mortified and have no idea how to stop it, and they want it to stop immediately. I still did not become assertive until after I got upset. The second half of the lesson was fun like normal. At the end I noticed I was kind of hunched over and stood up tall when I told him he didn't have to baby me because I am a grown woman. I forget from time to time.
I am determined to stick with it with him, because I believe if I can get to the point of assertiveness when I am not enjoying his behavior, it will be a giant leap for me.
Doing the rumba with DIT is fun. There is a hug thing in the middle. I guess it's not a hug, but it's pretty intimate. DIT is super patient, and I am trying very hard not to complain about it being "too sexy." I am still struggling with that whole thing. I think the thing that I am stuck on is this: a woman does her part with styling or whatever to be sexy. She is not going to have sex with everyone she's dancing with, so it's just supposed to be titilating? That seems obnoxious to me. Like, here's what you can't have. And potentially, the guy is doing the same thing. I guess people have self-control, but why always try to be extra sexy. That bugs me.
There is a photo shoot party at my dance place, tonight. They said they will stage pictures from group classes and private lessons. I asked my friend if I should cry in one of the private lesson pictures. That was hilarious.
Going to MI next weekend. I am worried about the plane ride. Never been bothered before. I guess it's because Hank will be with us. Don't want to pass that anxiety on to him. I also have anxiety about being stuck there, trapped with no solitude.
High holy days start today. Several weekends I don't have to teach at the J. I'm looking forward to trying to sleep past 6:30 on Sundays.
Watched The Wrestler over the past week. Wow. It was very well done, very powerful, very heart-breaking. Mickey Rourke. Wow. And Marissa Tomei. Wow. She looked gorgeous, and was supposed to look "old for a stripper."
Practicing for my ESD show. My fingers remember some things, but I am going to bring the lyrics because my brain remembers less. And I decided not to do the Houston dance comp in Oct, but will shoot for one in Dallas in Nov. Also, just going to do 3 dances instead of 5. I just want the experience to start. Waltz is so much harder than I thought it would be. And I can't go to classes really, right now with Brad in school, so I don't have much way to practice with a partner except at lessons.
DID said I seem anxious and tense, and I am "working too hard." That made me really lose it because I said, if I can get out of my head for even a few minutes while dancing this intimate dance, that is a success. My anxiety has gone down exponentially in sobriety, but I can still see why I drank, every now and then. Like with dancing. I am SO grateful I am not drinking because I don't think I would be able to show my face there on the "day after." I can't imagine who all I would try to make out with. Thank you, God I don't have to do that!!!
Coaching at Canyon Creek a fall season. I started out loving the kids, and now some bug me. Fart jokes and opposite answers to questions get old. I don't like being adversarial. Let's just practice our skills! The girls are mostly aiming to please in every way all the time. It's funny. The boys may have a desire to please, but can't resist the urge to be stupidly silly. I guess I should be more empathetic because I can rarely resist the urge to be sarcastic, myself. The difference is, I am hilarious.
Had a sad lesson with DID, yesterday. God bless him. I think he and Brad are similar in that when I cry, or any woman cries for that matter, they are absolutely mortified and have no idea how to stop it, and they want it to stop immediately. I still did not become assertive until after I got upset. The second half of the lesson was fun like normal. At the end I noticed I was kind of hunched over and stood up tall when I told him he didn't have to baby me because I am a grown woman. I forget from time to time.
I am determined to stick with it with him, because I believe if I can get to the point of assertiveness when I am not enjoying his behavior, it will be a giant leap for me.
Doing the rumba with DIT is fun. There is a hug thing in the middle. I guess it's not a hug, but it's pretty intimate. DIT is super patient, and I am trying very hard not to complain about it being "too sexy." I am still struggling with that whole thing. I think the thing that I am stuck on is this: a woman does her part with styling or whatever to be sexy. She is not going to have sex with everyone she's dancing with, so it's just supposed to be titilating? That seems obnoxious to me. Like, here's what you can't have. And potentially, the guy is doing the same thing. I guess people have self-control, but why always try to be extra sexy. That bugs me.
There is a photo shoot party at my dance place, tonight. They said they will stage pictures from group classes and private lessons. I asked my friend if I should cry in one of the private lesson pictures. That was hilarious.
Going to MI next weekend. I am worried about the plane ride. Never been bothered before. I guess it's because Hank will be with us. Don't want to pass that anxiety on to him. I also have anxiety about being stuck there, trapped with no solitude.
High holy days start today. Several weekends I don't have to teach at the J. I'm looking forward to trying to sleep past 6:30 on Sundays.
Watched The Wrestler over the past week. Wow. It was very well done, very powerful, very heart-breaking. Mickey Rourke. Wow. And Marissa Tomei. Wow. She looked gorgeous, and was supposed to look "old for a stripper."
Practicing for my ESD show. My fingers remember some things, but I am going to bring the lyrics because my brain remembers less. And I decided not to do the Houston dance comp in Oct, but will shoot for one in Dallas in Nov. Also, just going to do 3 dances instead of 5. I just want the experience to start. Waltz is so much harder than I thought it would be. And I can't go to classes really, right now with Brad in school, so I don't have much way to practice with a partner except at lessons.
DID said I seem anxious and tense, and I am "working too hard." That made me really lose it because I said, if I can get out of my head for even a few minutes while dancing this intimate dance, that is a success. My anxiety has gone down exponentially in sobriety, but I can still see why I drank, every now and then. Like with dancing. I am SO grateful I am not drinking because I don't think I would be able to show my face there on the "day after." I can't imagine who all I would try to make out with. Thank you, God I don't have to do that!!!
Coaching at Canyon Creek a fall season. I started out loving the kids, and now some bug me. Fart jokes and opposite answers to questions get old. I don't like being adversarial. Let's just practice our skills! The girls are mostly aiming to please in every way all the time. It's funny. The boys may have a desire to please, but can't resist the urge to be stupidly silly. I guess I should be more empathetic because I can rarely resist the urge to be sarcastic, myself. The difference is, I am hilarious.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
guerillas and tigers
I remember in middle school being confused hearing about guerilla warfare in Central America. (Why are people fighting with gorillas)? Yesterday I had the radio on and heard something about the Tamil Tigers in Sri Lanka, and I thought about them being tigers instead of people.
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