Venting. Don't worry!

My mom is the only person who reads my blog, and this post will just make her worry.  But, don't worry, mother.  I am getting it on paper and telling the entire world, which is a positive step.
Had a massage for the first time in about 7 years (Jeff's then baby is now 7).  1)  I think he is an incarnation of Buddha.  Jeff Johnson, awesome RMT.  The most patient and peaceful person on the earth I have met.  2)  Every time I think about that massage, I cry.  And not because it was one of those sports massages that hurt.  It was pretty fucking amazingly cathartic.  It seems my body has been holding on to all this crap that has made my fucking hand go numb.  OK, the crap is sadness AND anger.  I don't like to be angry, and I don't like to admit I am angry, but I am angry.  Anger can be positive when it leads to necessary change.  Not that the situation I am in is as important or necessary as the American Civil Rights movement of the 1960's, but I always think of that time period as a positive use of anger.  If all the black people and some of the white people in the US had not been angry about disgusting and abhorrent injustices, nothing would have changed.  I am only the target of apathy that has for the past 4 years turned into antipathy.  Unfortunately, at a time I needed the very most love and patience.  Brad was exceptional during the childbirth of both kids.  I think I have been thinking surely if I met antipathy with humor, patience, optimism, that it would change on its own.  It and people do not change on their own unless it/they have to.  I digress.
Jeff was very sweet and allowed me to sob, and said I could take as long as I needed to, but I think I could have stayed there at least another hour in full-out sobbing, and I felt bad about taking up his time sobbing.  He gave me some directions about breathing that were extremely powerful.  When I sat up, after he left the room, I opened my eyes and saw this giant lion head sculpture he has on the wall.  That was weird is all I could think of.  I asked him how he did that, and he said I did it.  Hm.  That was very generous.  He said he imagined I had a tiger inside me waiting to come out.  I think I do.  A pretty fucking pissed off tiger.  One that has been put to sleep for a long time, but has decided to come out sideways, making my body extremely uncomfortable.
People should be nice to each other.  People should be nice to me.  People should be nice.  That is reasonable, right?  I have to ask this.  I am a nice person.  I constantly try to be better.  Be more patient, be more accepting, be more peaceful, calm, loving.  I think I've made progress.  I think I am a good mom.  I constantly try to care for the children as much as I can so that Brad can do what he wants to do.  Hank and Charlie are the best things that ever happened to me or Brad by 10,000 infinity.  I have no idea what it is that Brad thinks I should be doing differently.  I agree, it sucks for dads that moms get to breastfeed and that small children primary need their mom around, and do better in life if their mom is physically and emotionally available in early childhood.  When dad becomes the most important person in their lives, I know I will find it challenging.  I don't think I will blame Brad or take out my sadness and loss on him.  I don't know.  Maybe I will.  I have asked Brad what he would like for me to do instead of what I am doing, and I get a look that says I should know, but he is angry I don't know, and no words.  I think have been a good wife.  I think I have been a lousy wife at times.  I don't know how long I should be held in contempt for my mistakes.  How long is a reasonable amount of time?
I don't believe that two people who dug themselves into an enormous hole with tiny and broken spoons can dig themselves out without using someone else's heavy machinery.  A backhoe with an excavator and possibly a front-end wheel loader.  Definitely a crane and possibly a steel slab hauler.  I am afraid of starting up the heavy machinery because it is going to get LOUD.  I am afraid of how loud I will get and how loud he will get.  I suppose it's somewhat easier to deal with looks that say "go to hell,"  without hearing someone actually tell you to go there.   I DO NOT want to enter the martyr competition. I've played that game before, not since I have known Brad.  It is very unpleasant to play and also unpleasant to win.  Usually, people don't admit they are playing against you.  And if it seems like you are winning, they are always up for more self-torture.  So, no one wins, and everyone is miserable.  No, thanks.  I have plenty of misery (in my 99% awesome life) without manufacturing it for myself and competing for who can be the most miserable.  I think I may have learned that before I turned 30.  Along with just because a guy has sex with you or wants to have sex with you, it does not mean you are going to be boyfriend/girlfriend, or even ever speak again after making out, exchanging longing looks, or actually having sex.  I can proudly say I learned that one even before I turned 25.  Wow.
Now, I am 40, and I expect my children to learn how to be nice and navigate complex, human relationships.  Hm.  I think I need to figure it out before they are smarter than I am.  I have a few months at least because Hank told me the multiplication tables are where you eat lunch.  That was right after he told me he did not need to go to school anymore because he knew everything.  I am 40, and I now know, that is absolutely not true for me.  I know almost nothing about navigating complex human relationships.  I do not know how I am supposed to do it differently, but I do know that other people know how, I can learn how, and there is always room for progress, not perfection.  I know I must do it differently, if only to appease this weepy tiger.  And I should probably go to al anon in my spare time.  [Not because Brad has alcoholism, but because I suffer from thinking I can change things I cannot change].

I am teaching a how to be a personal trainer class and learning so much from the instructor of the lab portion of the class.  I think he is the best personal trainer I have ever met.  Equal to Dixie Stanforth.  Tony Thomas.  www.kilterfitness.com.  And I will gladly give Jeff's contact info to inquirers, but I don't want him to get spammed from posting his email address on the internets.

To bed.  I am subbing the classes at the J in the morning.  Hank and I bought a Betta fish today.  He did not have a suggestion for a name, so I suggested Gepetto and call him, "Pet."  Then we read Pinnochio, the Meredith-edited version.  Smoking, kids getting turned into donkeys, Pinocchio sacrifices his life for his dad.  Geez, I didn't remember all those heavy plot twists.  I think I do remember Pinocchio blowing smoke into Jiminy Cricket's face, but I didn't remember most of the other details.  Jiminy Cricket is Pinocchio's conscience.  That's pretty heavy.  And Pinocchio gets into trouble initially by skipping school to seek pleasurable activities.  Holy smoke.  Literally!  I love the song Giupetto by Vic Chesnutt.  I saw him at the Cactus Café with Brian Henry in 1994.  It was an amazing concert.  So quiet except for VC's voice and guitar.  And, I'll tell you a funny story about it another day.

Hard time

Feeling like Gelsey Kirkland and having a hard time. Only trying to please one person who doesn't seem to be able to be pleased. Focus on the abundant blessings and remember what other people think about you is none of your business. Even if it were my business, it is something I cannot change and cannot control. OK

Anorexic food inspector

I don't believe in exercise in the same way I used to. I'm still going to do it, 1 day at a time, but only because I'm willing I believe. I see people lose weight and get in shape, and I see those who never seem I make any physical changes, yet every time I see them at the gym, they are working hard and sweating. Either my client don't tell me the whole story regarding their food and exercise regimes, or some people just don't ever really change shape. I want to be somewhere between working for improved fitness and self acceptance and gratitude and this moment, now.

Newest Dependence

Crafts 
Crochet
Etsy 
 

Have a cold. Nose is draining.

Hello, world. Blogger for iPhone=mega drivel for internets. Feel like crap. At least it's not a sinus infection. Could be flu, as I've had fever, chills, aches. So sad. I don't think anything short of a missing limb would illicit acknowledgment, let alone sympathy, from BH. At least I still have Nana I at, poor Meredith. Kids are playing in a box. Cheap entertainment.

I am breathing through two nostrils right now

Had my sinus surgery last Wednesday - septoplasty and turbinates trimmed. So much less unpleasant than tonsilectomy. Went back to the doc today because I was in pain, and it seemed like my nose was getting bigger. (It wasn't supposed to change size on the outside). We had to wait forEVER, but HH was SUPER patient and did not freak out when Dr Eskew stuck this needle suction thing up my nose, which felt pretty gross, sounded gross, but has allowed me to breath in through two nostrils. At the same time! And we got home at exactly the right time for trick or treating. Whew! I go back Friday for more suction, then I go back next Monday for hopefully the final suction and the removal of this plastic thing that is holding my septum in place, I think. I am not supposed to blow my nose, but can sniff and saline and hydrogen peroxide with q-tips. I am also not supposed to do anything strenuous. Maybe I don't do anything strenuous anymore, but it seems like most things I do are strenuous. I HIGHLY recommend Dr. James Eskew otolaryngologist, and he is going to get a stellar review from moi on Yelp. You are welcome, Dr. E. I am obsessed with sewing. But, I can't seem to do it often enough that I don't have to mentally reinvent the wheel each time I sew stuff. But, it's fun. Doesn't take that long per step, and I feel the joy of creativity. Visit my Etsy shop. Of course, I had intended to sell these things, but have just given them away. I want to give them away, but I see the frown on Brad's face when I say these things are flying off the shelves. I've probably spent about $100 on fabric, needles, and zippers. I WILL make the $100 back. Just wait. I will get Ellen to like them, and we will have to set up a sweatshop in Hank's room just to keep our inventory stocked. CH is almost 1 year old. I cannot believe it. I want 2 more babies. If I get one more I will be happy. I am so happy I have 2. I want as many as we can make in the next 5 years. I don't want to play genetic roulette. I'm not crazy!

Sinus surgery

Worrying about the aftermath of my upcoming sinus surgery on Oct 26. I hear there will be blood coming out of my nose for 24 hours, and it will be packed. Apparently, it is not as painful as a tonsilectomy at age 30, but I am afraid I will feel claustrophobic. I would like to simply be fed soup and sedated the 48 hours after surgery if anyone knows a fairly reputable drug dealer in case my surgeon will not leave me in comfort. Granted, I have a high tolerance for most medications. But, I had 2 huge holes in my throat following the tonsilectomy, and vicodin was not even taking the edge off. I was MISERABLE for 2 weeks and then just crappy for another week. I asked for more or different pain meds, and the said no. I want to get something in writing or at least a verbal agreement that i would not like to suffer. Is that so much to ask? I'm not asking for a Keith Richards-style morphine drip. Just use some modern technology to keep me comfortable while I heal. And I hope this will end the 10 years of chronic sinus infections that have progressively gotten worse. I don't ever get tonsilitis, anymore. That's great news. I was pretty sure it was lung cancer or brain tumor until I got my imaging results back this week. Nothing bad in the lungs, just bronchitis and only the symptoms of chronic sinusitis inflaming those passages.

Why am I awake and typing? L'Shanah Tovah a mes amis Juifs!

There is never enough time to do anything in life, is there? There is time to do what we absolutely have to do, go to the bathroom, eat, drink, work. There must be exactly enough time to do exactly what we should be doing or time wouldn't be the way it is. When I find myself wanting to get HH or CH settled into an activity so I can go do something, I remember it is stupid. Then, I have to talk myself down off the ledge that I placed myself on, "stupid." Then, I remember, this is the ONLY thing in life to spend time on. BEing with each other as much as possible. It doesn't matter if the to do list isn't done. It's not a moral failure to have a long list left, it's a moral victory. We've avoided making this home improvement since Hank was born, just enjoying his wonderful little 3 year-old self. I sometimes feel too overwhelmed and sad about how extremely ephemeral it is. But, I know that misses the point, too. {Not going to walk down the "stupid" road, again). Enjoy in this moment the moment that has been freely given to me and my family. It is delightful to be around Hank and Charlie. Even when they challenge my patience or I am very tired. It's never not a joy. Of course I want more kids. The baby stage is challenging, but it's so short over one's lifespan. Once you get to enjoy every moment of babyhood with intense adoration and attention, a few years, and it's over. They never need you like that, again. They don't, and they shouldn't. Embracing the present and embracing the coming changes without panicking about them. Simple, but not easy. To enjoy Brad with delight like I enjoy the kids. That is a challenge. I am sure equally true for him. Strange how much the person you made the kids with becomes a complete enigma and powerful need to receive affection from. I thought it would be more casual. Like, you do your thing, I'll do mine, and we'll meet every once in a while. Ours does do his/her own thing, but not knowing what the other one thinks the first one should be doing. I do have opinions about what I think Brad should be doing, but I try to ignore them and keep them to myself. But, I always yearn to have the "yeah, you get me, and I get you" connections that we had tons of before marriage and here and there in the past 9 years. I want to model our excellent communication skills for the kids, but also so that we can enjoy each other in a way I think is possible for families.

Coaches Can Play Big Role in How Kids Feel About Sports: MedlinePlus

Coaches Can Play Big Role in How Kids Feel About Sports: MedlinePlus

NO DOI!!!

Do you know the metabolic rate of breast tissue?

I don't like it when people say, "I ate_____, and it made the baby gassy." 1) Babies are gassy. 2) Is that the only food you have eaten for the past week? How long does it take from the time you ate it to get made into breast milk? 3) Why don't cows ever get blamed? Hey, lay off the St. Augustine, Elsie, I'm stinking up my cubicle! 4) What am I supposed to eat? I don't think there are any foods that don't make me gassy. What about me? I'm gassy, too. No one cares. 5) It's not like I'm drinking whiskey or taking carbon dioxide colonics. I eat a balanced diet (except for ad libitum mini-heath bars, which are currently a little out of control) that contains complex carbohydrate starches, fruits, vegetables, legumes, a little dairy, no meat, water, some iced tea, a little coffee. And, by the way, my unscientific determination about coffee is it has NO effect on his sleeping or gas or not sleeping, because whether I drink it or not, he does not have a clockwork schedule, and I don't drink coffee everyday or even at the same time on days I do drink it. Yes, I take credit for his adorableness, his preferring to tummy-sleep, his eyes, his hair, his wit, his intelligence, his moodiness, his biceps, his perpetual optimism, but I will not take responsibility for his gas. That digestive system has been passed down through many generations, from what I can tell through my dad's dad's mom, as far back as whopper candies and Dr. Pepper, maybe farther.

Trying Evernote: Click [Current Affirmation]

Also, took HH swimming at J pool. Got him to close his lips a few times to not inhale water. He floated in his floaty vest by himself for the first time today. Several times, too. He said, mom, don't hold me! And he closed his eyes and spun around, completely vertical in the water, smiling, sometimes with his lips open, and sometimes closed. He inhaled a few sips of water, but that didn't stop him from doing it, again. He also even wore his goggles, some. What miracles today.
I was wanted someone in particular to tell me good job, but I realize, again, that it is completely irrelevant to my happiness what anyone else thinks of me. It is harmful to a family to have resentments lingering and lingering, but in the long run, the best one can do, is the best one can do, and that's the best anyone ever does, at best.
I have an f-ing sinus infection which is probably a little of the reason I feel discouraged. Only an alcoholic can look at a something beautiful and see the tiny smudge on the back of it. All you need is love.

Brent wood and pretending to work

HH was collecting bark out of the pea gravel in Brentwood Park this morning and calling it, "brent wood."  Makes sense to me.  Why else would the park be named Brentwood?  It's funny he likes to pretend to work.  I remember doing the same thing.  As if to say you aren't the only one who is too busy to play.  I also whispered to myself while I was playing like he does.  I know they are cute to no one else, but his speech impediments (which are developmentally normal, but impediments by adult standards) kill me.  The way he talks like Elmer Fudd.  He calls Sir Topham Hat, "Toppin hat."  In the cars movie, a truck says to "Lightening A'queen," I'm  not a Mack I'm a Peter Built.  Turn on your lights, you moron."  When Hank quotes it, he says, "I'm not a Mack, I'm a Federbuilt.  Turn on your back and foron."

Batuka Break

Sisyphus: The Villain of Household Chores

I never knew Sisyphus was such a creep.  I think about that rock a lot, though.  And, I'm not complaining.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  But, laundry and cleaning the house often feel pointless.  Arlene said she prayed for each son while she was folding his clothes.  I like that.  Rather than cursing whoever got the floor dirty within 30 seconds of it being clean.  I guess I am afraid (and it's no one I know, just some imagined cleaning police) is going to say my house or my House is dirty.  Yet, I know my house and House are clean.  Well, at least clean enough.  : )   I can think of any Dirt that remains to be cleaned.  Although there are Dirty Projects, I suppose.  My side of the Street is as clean as I can get it by myself.  No one has ever been harmed by dirt.  It is evident that our combined Dirt does need to be thoroughly spring cleaned.  In ways, it's one huge rock, but maybe instead of the pushing it uphill metaphor, our Rock is more like creating the statue of David.  Not done in a day, takes a lot of time, care, and planning, and is worth doing. 

Not so much a communcation breakdown...

but a communication never existed.  It takes a lot of practice to learn a new skill, and although the status quo is often painful, change doesn't happen without some pain, too.  Before, during, and after.  At least I think it's true about the after.  Mars/Venus problems are real and noticeable, but learned family styles that originated who knows when are also very powerful.  Maybe after the Civil War?  I think my people came over just before the Civil War.  Not sure about Brad's people's immigration.  For the record, there is no such thing as mind-reading.  I am fast forgetter and a slow learner.  My intentions are 100% benevolent.  Sometimes, I get caught up in impulsiveness and selfishness, but I have made a LOT of progress.  And I can always recognize it in hindsite, and sometimes recognize it while I am doing it.  I am 100% committed to change and movement towards adaptivity, and not perfection.  We are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO blessed by our children, and I want to have one more baby.  That would really turn us into a herd.  One day at a time.  One hour at a time.  One uncomfortable change at a time.  Always look on the bright side of life!
Eric Idle is beyond brilliant in this segment - his delivery, so silly cockney drawl.  I love it!

Puppies Behind Bars (PBB)

About PBB:

Millions of innocent puppies are imprisoned each year for crimes they didn’t commit.  Puppies Behind Bars (PBB) offers free legal council to wrongly accused puppies.  Not really.

  PBB trains prison inmates to raise service dogs for the disabled, including PTSD-suffering veterans, and explosive detection canines for law enforcement. The puppies live in prison with their "puppy raisers" from age eight weeks to 18 months. As the puppies mature into well-loved, well-behaved dogs, their raisers learn what it means to contribute to society rather than take from it.

If they are deemed suitable, PBB returns the dogs to the schools where they continue their formal training.  If they do not continue on the track to become working dogs, PBB donates them to families with blind children. In either case, these puppies, raised in such a unique environment, spend their lives as companions to people who need them.

The puppies have affected the lives not only of their puppy raisers, but of virtually all the inmates and staff at the prison. It is literally impossible to walk a puppy around without being stopped by inmates who want to pet the dogs or who want to just say 'hi' to them, and [the founder is] constantly being approached by corrections officers and senior staff who ask about the puppies' training. One of our particularly sensitive pups goes to several different areas of the prison: the sixteen- and seventeen-year-old inmates play with her; domestic violence classes use her to get the women to open up and talk; and she even visits inmates who are about to go before the parole board, for it has been found that her presence has a calming effect on the women.

PBB pays 100% of all costs associated with raising puppies in prison, including dog supplies, educational supplies for the puppy raisers, teachers' salaries, and travel.

I am going to give them some money in honor of my 39th birthday and hoped you would join me!

I have a dream

I have a dream that someday diet soda, tobacco products, and alcohol will be classified as schedule I drugs, and marijuana, peyote, psilocybin, exercise, and meditation will be schedule V "highs."  HEB has a cane sugar sweetened soda I plan to opt for next time I have a craving.  Artificial sweeteners and high fructose corn syrup have similar effects on blood glucose.  Love my bubble water

!!!
Read about the origin of seltzer.  I have German ancestry!

Monk

 I've been playing Monk episodes on instant Netflix for the past few weeks.  I also noticed the entire series is out on DVD.  Love the Monk! 

If I were a celebrity, I would endorse products I liked and used.  I am 39 years old and still get pimples.  I tried proactiv, and MD Formulations.  Now, I just use neutrogena anti-bacterial facial wash or something like that.  But, when I do get pimples, this is my favorite product.  It's a powder concealer/healer.  It doesn't look stupid and it seems to actually help get rid of pimples.  It has 3% sulfur, so it kind of smells, but just when you first apply it.  I've never tried their other products, but the RareMinerals concealer is awesome.

Feeling loved

Thank you for all the happy birthday wishes. I am feeling loved. Facebook has facilitated people remembering birthdays all over the world, and it is pretty awesome. I used to pride myself on remembering birthdays, but I don't think it's bad NOT to remember them. I have also forgotten some important ones and important dates over the years, and it doesn't diminish affection I have for the person. Now that I have kids, I know how my mom must feel on my birthday. What joy to have a new, healthy, tiny little baby. But, now the baby is 39 and sometimes ornery. The baby pictures are good reminders of the sweet and unadulterated feelings. But, I guess despite years of wrinkle-causing life, there is always unconditional love. And it's mutual.

Going to wear my Latin dancing shoes around the house all day today. Going to make a cake with Hank after we get home from the J playground after school. Bought him a bucket of sand/pea gravel toys to play with while we are out and about. Charlie did well in the sleepywrap on Friday when we went to the J playground. I am also going to organize my hair and toothcare drawer, and if I have some spare time, I am going to do 6 of my fingernails. I have a client at 10 am at the house. She is a very sweet lady.

Hank, Brad, and Charlie are still asleep. Surprising. Hank had a chocolate milk/yellow cup crisis about 4 am. I got the chocolate milk, and Brad was trying to calm the beast. He finally calmed down and fell asleep after I insisted Brad was tired and Brad held him. My analysis was Hank wanted to be held, but can't put together milk and comfort, so he yells for yellow cup/chocolate milk. We have been validating his want verbally, but not indulging the cup change. Eventually, he calms down. I remember feeling frustrated and misunderstood at points in early childhood. I hope he is feeling somewhat understood. It's seems to be hard to find a balance between acknowledging what is important to him in the moment and not creating undesirable habits or making life more challenging for ourselves. Progress, not perfection!

World's Best Dad

Have you seen the Seinfeld with Lloyd Bridges about the competition for world's best dad based on heavy lifting and t-shirt proclamations?  It's funny.



But, I just wanted to let you know I have the world's best dad.  He made 2 trips to CVS pharmacy, and 1 trip to Walgreen's to try to find Charlie the elusive, generic Mylanta Cherry Supreme.  No one has the name brand because it was recalled due to a labeling error.  He also bought Charlie some Colic Calm as recommended by the Mayo clinic website.  Very sweet.  He's the best.

Changes

I think my sweet little three year-old has some of my hyper-sensitivity.  I've been told and have come to believe this trait is not a character defect, but can be troublesome.  He notices changes and details I think will escape him.  While considering pruning the refrigerator of "art" and various commemorative papers, I thought I had best take the items down and save them to make sure one of them wasn't, in fact, a prized possession.

My caution regarding his sensitivity reminded me of a sweet story.  My first pet, a goldfish, whom I think was named, Curly, as in Larry, Moe, and Curly, died when I was about 3.  I watched the Three Stooges every morning at 6 AM with my dad.  We both like the stories and predicaments the Stooges get themselves into, and ignore the slapstick stuff.  I don't remember becoming particularly emotionally attached to the goldfish, but, in an act of fatherly love, upon Curly's passing in the night, my dad went to Kmart to replace him, assuming I would not notice the impostor.  When I got up the next morning to feed Curly, I remarked he had grown - quite a bit.  I think my dad chuckled.  I don't remember being sad about Curly's demise, and I was perfectly happy with his successor, probably named Larry or Moe.  Even three year-olds can handle some changes without trauma or later need therapy.

I have a hard time seeing Hank get upset.  But I know, if I prevent all pain, I will be robbing him of valuable human experiences.  Better to go through pain with my support and carry that skill into adulthood.  It's such a knee-jerk and unconscious drive to want to immediately take away or prevent any discomfort.  But, I should give him credit that he has been stepping back from the ledge of panic sooner and with more ease when something upsets him, little by little.

It's also a balance between validating his wants and emotions with trying to help him put them in perspective and/or simply distracting him away from being upset.  When you spill milk for the first time, it IS a big deal.  But, on the 50th time, maybe we come to the realization that it's no longer a cry-worthy event.

The other day while schlepping food, drinks, and Charlie into Hank's room to play, Hank suggested we bring Charlie's pacifier "so he didn't cry."  Apparently the urge to prevent pain develops early.  (Of course, I understand it's also a matter of who gets the attention, but he did seem to have some genuine sympathy for Charlie).  I've been trying to remind Hank that when he was a baby and was upset, we tried to comfort him in the same way we comfort Charlie.  I hope that will sink in on some level at least for future reference.  (And not the memory that when Charlie came along, Hank became less important).

I don't at all feel like there isn't enough love to go around, but I do feel guilty that Hank has less of my attention than he used to.  But again, I think that's probably not a bad skill to acquire as a human, and what better time than when he is developing the hard wiring of the way the world works.  At some point we all move from being the neediest little person on the planet to becoming more and more self-sufficient and less in need or want of undivided attention.  That is, until 80 or 90 years later, when we do need someone's undivided attention, again.  Loss is still a ledge I don't even like to look at.  I just try to breath and enjoy the moment, rather than to stand on the ledge, looking at it, and worrying about when I will fall off.

Last night I stayed up past both kids going to sleep.  When I went up to bed, I had kind of an LSD-whoa that we have two little people who live with us and sleep with us, and all we did to get them was have sex.  It's pretty amazing that having sex one time leads to the creation of another human being who will call you mommy or whatever you tell him your name is, probably.  I think I'll go by "mum" with the next one.  Not really.   And I was not taking LSD last night, it just reminded me of the awes some people experience.  (Although 99.9% of the time the deep thoughts LSD inspires are totally stupid or totally incomprehensible the next day).  Or the idea scribbled on a napkin or toilet paper roll or forearm is illegible and lost for the benefit of humanity.  Too bad.

Dear Zeus (or whichever One of you does the weather),

Since we are having winter this year, can we please have fewer bugs, and in particular fewer mosquitos in the spring and summer?  Spring and fall would be as perfect as winter were it not for those blood-sucking mother mosquitos.

Had Uncle TH and Aunt JH down for the first snow I have ever seen stick to the road in Austin.  They did have 2.5 days of nice weather.  We felt guilty about the snow.  Silly.  HH LOVED having them down.  I can see how it takes a village...because Brad and I were so much more at ease having some backup.  I want another baby, too.  It is such a miracle that at almost 39 I have an infant and a three year-old.  What a great way to prolong getting "old."

I am trying to figure out ways to work from/at home so that I can generate income enough for Brad to go to nursing school.  I am going to try insurance companies for wellness coaches.  More writing possibilities.  Personal training at home.  Maybe yoga and pilates classes?  If training is during the day, people have to be cool with a baby (or two) around.  I feel much more at ease with caring for a baby while working.  Just feed it, burp it, or rock it.  Or, it might even just be sleeping.  With Hank I felt very unsure of what I would do depending on what he would do, and I had no idea what that might be.  All of my personal training clients are women.  The vast majority have kids and like being around a baby.  The drawback is, sometimes a crazy night leaves me stupid.  I fight the urge to nap and hibernate, but I'm not a good fighter.  Ideally, I would like to write more, but I realize it's not my turn to find ideally.  Just to find an economical use of my time and expertise while being able to care for young children.

BH and I have seen Judith Sokolow from Jewish Family Services 2x.  We have one more time to see her.  She has given us some practical communication skills.  Skills I learned in group therapy, but am out of practice with and can't practice in a vacuum.  I feel very hopeful.  I am determined to model adaptive communication for HH and CH.  Not perfect, but adaptive.
 
For some strange reason I am awake at 9:50 PM, and everyone else is asleep.  For some other reason I don't like being awake alone at night, but love it during early morning hours.  It's an artifact from my past life, but I wonder why, after 15 years of piety, it still feels yucky to stay up late.  I guess it's just OK to be no matter what time it is.  And it's OK to say, well, there you go, silly.

This morning I remembered that I would never say, "you are a big fatty," to anyone.  Even to a big fatty.  : )  So, why would I say that to myself?  I am feeding a baby.  I am 11 weeks post-partum.  It doesn't matter what any other mother looks like at this stage of post-partum.  As long as all the parts are working, that's all there is.  That's what is to be grateful for.  Thank you.  It is such a gift to care for an infant.  So amazing and impossible to reciprocate.

Middle of the Night Poems (Mostly Hokey)

I don't remember the format for Haiku, and these are not, but I did try to stay to an odd number of syllables per line. 

1.
I gave up
books I left open
stayed unread
missing the person
who are you

2.
loving the winter
cloudy skies
capillaries of the trees
sanctuaries now revealed

3.
a hermit
facebook is my New York Times
always something worth reading
keeping up with how you are
all of you

4.
then
late night hours
I was always up
lacking peace
lost

5.
never thought
angel face
precious time
speeds away
so holy
divine kiss
always loved
my two sons

Letter from Lloyd

I'm on Lloyd Doggett's email list (Lloyd's List).  The last email he sent, I replied with something along the lines of, "You are so awesome.  I love you!"  And, those things are true, but I assumed the email would either bounce back, go to spam, or at least go unread.
Nope, not my Lloyd.  He sent me this letter AND a 2011 calendar from the US Capitol Historical Society.  My home address wasn't on my email AND I'm not even in his district, anymore.  Lloyd Doggett is so awesome and I do love him!

Persisting Health Disparities

I've been working on the railroad!

Five Little Monkeys Song with Finger Puppets | Children music & nursery ...

I find this rendition to be very disturbing.

Looks like we made it

I always sang that song in my head coming off the last hill of the dam loop. I don't miss that ride at all.
HH, CH, and I made it through 2 weeks of home alone for long stretches. This well was smoother, but still a challenge.
I usually write on Dec 23. This year is my quinceneira. I was sick and worn out last week. I am going to try to get a chip this weekend.
Wish I could go to Go Dance NYE party. It was $25 in advance. I asked for a nondrinker discount, and they said no. A nondrinker and stay about an hour. Probably fine to stay home, rest, and steer clear of the amateurs.
I'm using my iPod touch, which I call an itouch, just to be annoying, but anyway the touch screen is acting a little weird.
I am still hacking up and blowing out gunk from my sinus infection-over 2
weeks. The worst is not getting enough sleeps due to cough. I always get this cough and have to beg for guaffinessin with codeine-one of the 1st cough meds and the only one that works for me. Just suffering. I wish docs understood some patients are not idiots and can use deductive reasoning if nothing else to diagnose themselves. Oh, well.
I'll stop, now, because the keyboard is being weird

Louis CK and Unvacation

I saw a John Stewart interview with Louis CK about his FX series.  He is hilarious.  Reed used to tell me he thought Bill Hicks was his soulmate.  I feel this way about Louis CK.  He is so sweetly irreverent.  I was talking with a dad at Ramsey whose red-headed son was playing with Hank, and I mentioned Louis CK.  He also found him hilarious and also found others didn't get him.  I have tried to explain a few bits to Brad, but I admit, make Louis CK sound mean or raunchy, or just not funny.  I clearly, though I like to think I am, am not a comedian.  I don't have the timing or delivery necessary.  The entire FX series is on instant netflix.
I also recently saw a Dave Chapelle standup routine.  He discusses the ridiculousness of women in women's magazines giving advice about men.  E.g., 100 ways to please your man, written by a woman.  He said there were only 4 ways, and I paraphrase, "perform oral sex, something else related to oral sex, make him a sandwich, and don't talk so much."  I love that.  Although, I don't think that describes Brad.  But, maybe I have read too many women's magazines.

Hank, Charlie, and I have been home, alone together for the past week and a half (except for the hours of 5-8:30 am several weekdays and Sunday mornings).  I think Hank has done well with the transition of the addition of a huge attention stealer.  He has regressed, I guess for lack of a better description, in some emotional expression.  He has made progress verbalizing his want for attention or disturbance simply with the change in the game.  Last week, I thought a lot about the Calgon, take me away commercial.  It felt like an all day crisis management, and I was sick, and didn't feel well,  and sleep deprived, etc.  This week, after getting 2.5 days home with me and Brad, he has done much better.  He still has a few teary meltdowns when I deny him candy or going to the store to buy more toys, or something like that.  It is SO sad the expression on his face when he cries.  I want the instant gratification, I suppose, of entertaining his want for instant gratification.  I keep reminding myself that just because he cries when he asks for candy, and he has already had more than I intended to give him for the day, that I am not helping him by giving him more candy.  A cocaine addict would cry for more cocaine, and that doesn't mean they should be given more cocaine.  And not that Hank has developed an eating disorder or something like dependence, it is my job to be the self-regulation that he cannot yet provide for himself.  The fact that he even eats candy is not what I had intended for him.  Other parents tell me their kids would eat candy all day everyday if they let them.  Some parents have managed to keep their kids away from candy altogether.  The other day, he was eating some reese's peanut butter cups and said, "I love this candy."  He said it with the same sweetness he uses when he says, "I love you," to me.  He sometimes says, "I love you, too, mommy," as the initial statement.  It is so sweet.  This morning I was so sleepy, and he was waking me up by kissing my face.  It was funny, but also SO sweet.  I hope I will be recovering next week with some seriously long naps.

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Xmas2010

Stewards

I heard a long time before I considered having children that parents are stewards of their children. We don't "own" our children, and the point of having children is not to have children, but to ultimately have more adults. Merge those thoughts with a more zen approach of mindfully enjoying each day. Charlie was born last Sunday night after a very short active labor (9-11 pm), lots of the f word, exclamations that I was pooping, and that I could not, in fact, continue to give birth. The nurse midwife, L&D nurse, and Brad gave me enough encouragement that Charlie did come out, weighing 7 pounds, which seems like a lot, but Hank only weighed 5 pounds, 10 ounces. So, here I am at 5 am, feeling totally hormonal, hungry, and freezing. I was freezing, I think from becoming slightly dehydrated during the night making the 2 tanker trucks of milk I am now schlepping around. I am happy to provide free food for the kid.
The other night, after putting Hank to bed, I got so weepy that he is already huge, and mad at myself for not staying in the zen, daily and minutely moments more often, and overwhelmed by feelings of how much affection and love I have for these people. Even for Brad, although he hasn't changed, I feel more love towards him as I see him being a dad. [As I am feeling hyper-emotional, I can feel my mammary glands topping off what were already overly-full tanks. Hormones are powerful substances. More powerful than synthetic drugs]. My point was that I don't want to overwhelm Hank and Charlie with my extreme and intense feelings. Brad can take it, so he may get overwhelmed. And the extreme emotions that accompany pregnancy and birth are adaptive in that they require a slowing down and promote mindfulness to enjoy every feeding and every burp. And the only thing truly required is to channel the love I feel into spending time with them doing what they want to do. Play with cars, legos, go to the playground, etc. And model being a decent human being. Providing direction and how the world works will not just come from me, and I don't think that is my primary purpose with them. I know I have heard in meetings, "God doesn't have grandchildren." That makes sense to me. I can't even get near the line approaching not having them in my life, but that thought is slightly less overwhelming if I think of caring for them on Earth in a way that God might care for them. Or at least that being the goal. I have been loaned them as a gift to stay with me until they are adults and will hopefully get to enjoy them well into their adulthood.

Slightly different subject, St. David's kicks Seton's ass so badly. My ob's practice at the Renaissance Women's Health Facility by St. David's North Austin Medical Center. a) I LOVED all the practitioners: 3 ob's, 2 nurse midwives, 2 nurse practitioners. One of the nurse midwives delivered Charlie. She was so awesome. b) the food was awesome. I made myself french toast this morning (with Hank's challah, no less) because I had had 2 awesome servings of French toast during my stay. They had a menu from which you could choose and order to be delivered at a time you wished. Awesome. c) The postpartum care was awesome. Adequate pain management, competent nursing staff, a comfortable room, which Hank called, "the hotel." I'll give Seton this, the food was OK, although I didn't get to pick what I wanted. Getting pain med was more like begging. I found the refrigerator sooner at Seton and was able to feel less like a lazy bum asking for water and crackers and stuff. I found the kitchen at St. David's the day we left, and actually, Brad found it. St. David's had locks on many of the kitchen cabinets, which I thought was kind of mean to taunt postpartum ladies with. I also had WAY fewer stitches this time, so getting around and up and down was SO much more manageable. I mostly had cramps when nursing, and achyness in my abs and low back. NOTHING like the wad of stitches I was sitting on after Hank was extracted from me by the male OB I didn't know at Seton. I know, a little dramatic, but, the more I consider it, the more I feel disempowered by that place and their practices. I know it's ultimately irrelevant. Got healthy Hank home, but why not leave the hospital with a beautiful feeling rather than feeling like we had to take Hank and run away from Seton at the first opportunity.
Anyway, postpartum day 7, I want one more baby. And no, I am not going to think about how unpleasant the pregnancies have been for me. Every pregnancy is different. The next one could be much worse. haha. I actually would like to be Angelina and Brad, if we had the nannies they have, also. But that is kind of lame. Why delegate part of child-rearing to strangers? If we had an aunt or some slightly older relative living with us who could aid in the care, I would be cool with that. When I am tired and don't feel like playing with legos, I want Brad to play with legos with him. I don't want Hank to miss out on playing with legos, but I realize it is not very motherly to delegate. I KNOW this is all a balance, and one has to bathe, brush one's teeth, EXERCISE, which I cannot believe how long it has been since I have done formal physical activity. I am going to do some right this second!!!

The Problem with Us is Them

The American Psyche is crippled, if not paralyzed, by the constant self-declarations and designations of "us" and "them." In fact, there need not be a "them" in American politics, at least not if "we" truly want to change the absurd, and largely impotent, system of partisan politics. It would be political suicide for a lone or even a few Republican congressmen to accept President Obama's reach across the aisle, even if their convictions permitted. President Obama, although he can and has acted by example, cannot suddenly change the efficacy of Congress. Popular media vilify rogues, and the voters follow. The only way to change the system, what George Saunders eloquently dubbed, the "braindead megaphone," is to change our behavior. And behavior change requires a complete mutiny and damnation of the manner by which Congressional progress has eked along and been perceived since its inception. Early in our history, it was probably adaptive for us to have "us" nearly Americans and "them" English royalty. And, we made progress away from a monarch, house of lords, and unrepresented taxation. Yet this setup, like our Puritanical heritage has been toxic to preserve. Less than 100 years after we became we, we divided ourselves into us Southerners and them Northerners. I do not expect or even hope to find a consensus on most issues in American politics, however, digging into convictions of sound bites to defend "our side" leaves us stuck in a country full of ruts. I fantasize about a future in which we might regard "us" as earthlings, or even wilder, "Spirits of the Universe," all on the same team. But, I would be so thrilled if we started with "us" Americans, and truly pursued life, liberty, and happiness, not for ourselves, but for our fellow citizens, our only foe being divisiveness.

In What Organs Are Enzymes Found That Break Down Food?

This title was requested and the article was rejected. Boo.

The digestive system is one of seven bodily systems requiring complex pathways and hormonal signaling.

The digestive system is one of the seven bodily systems and is a beautifully orchestrated, complex collaboration of organs producing appropriate enzymes in response to a stimulus, eating! Digestive enzymes are produced throughout the body and have the ultimate purpose of making glucose available for every cellular process in the body.

Catabolism

The process of digestion is catabolic. You are probably familiar with anabolic steroids, which aid in the process of building muscle. Catabolism is the opposite process, a breaking down of complex food structures into smaller, usable molecules, such as glucose. You may remember from high school science class that sugars usually end in the suffix, –ose, e.g. lactose. The enzyme, usually ending in –ase, is associated with catabolizing the nutrient. In the case of lactose, lactase catabolizes lactose into glucose and galactose, making a larger molecule into two, simpler and smaller molecules.

Digestion is initiated in the mouth, which produces amylase.

The semi-permeable mucous membrane in the mouth makes saliva, which contains amylase, the first enzyme required to digest food. The semi-permeability of mucous membranes allows for secretion of amylase and absorption of some substances, glucose included, in the mouth. A science experiment you can try at home: put a saltine cracker in your mouth. Do not chew it; simply begin to let it dissolve. At first, the cracker tastes salty, but soon seems to melt into smaller particles. Because of amylase in your mouth, after a few seconds, the cracker now tastes sweet.

Mechanical Digestion in the Stomach

The stomach produces the enzyme, pepsin, and signals the gall bladder and pancreas for bile and insulin, respectively.

The enzyme produced by the stomach is pepsin, which begins to catabolize proteins, e.g. meat. Signaled by the stomach being filled with food, the gall bladder produces bile, which is secreted into the stomach. Thirdly, the pancreas is signaled by the stomach to produce insulin, a complex molecule composed of several enzymes. Insulin is employed in every cellular process of the body to bring glucose into the cell. Insulin is also absorbed into muscle, liver, and brain tissue for the utilization of glucose. While the stomach is often regarded as where digestion occurs, the primary function of the stomach is to mechanically digest food by using the muscles and digestive acids to begin to ready food to pass into the small intestine.

Where the Real Work is Done

The small intestine is the primary organ of nutrient absorption and contains, lactase, disaccharides, and several peptidase enzymes. Insulin and bile used in the stomach also pass into the small intestine. Most of the nutritional value of food, the carbohydrate, fat, and protein components, as well as vitamins and minerals are absorbed into the bloodstream by the small intestine. The remaining fluid and waste products pass into the large intestine, and needed water is absorbed there. Intestine trivia for you: From the beginning of the small intestine from the pyloric valve at the emptying end the stomach to the end of the large intestine is about 13 feet in an adult. If you would like to know more of the gory details about the cellular processes involved in constructing the enzymes, hormonal regulation, and interactions of feedback and feedforward mechanisms between bodily systems, Dee Silverthorn, Ph.D. is a prominent human physiologist and has written several, excellent and thorough textbooks.

From the Top to the Bottom

This ordered list sums digestive organs and their enzymes:
Mouth-amylase
Stomach-pepsin
Gall Bladder-bile
Pancreas-insulin
Small Intestine-lactase, disaccharides, peptidases

Keywords

• Sugar and Enzymes
• Digestive Organs
• Digestive Enzymes
• Glucose and Insulin
• Cellular Processes

Reference

• NIH: Your Digestive System and How It Works [http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/yrdd/]
• American Dietetic Association: How Insulin Works [http://www.eatright.org/Public/content.aspx?id=6818]
• Human Physiology Textbooks [http://www.aw-bc.com/silverthorn/]

Nutritional Snacks for ADHD Children (Rejected Article)

Nutritional Snacks for ADHD Children

Credit: Dimitri Vervitsiotis/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Keeping your child's energy level constant facilitates learning.

While behavioral and pharmaceutical therapy may be at the center of your child’s Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder treatment, providing nutritious snacks may also be beneficial. According to the National Institute on Mental Health, eating large amounts of sugar does not cause ADHD, but an appropriate diet should focus on foods and snacks with a low glycemic index, foods that do not results in a dramatic rise and fall in blood glucose.

Foods with Low Glycemic Indeces

Children with ADHD lack the ability to focus, which may result from a lack of stimulation. Low glycemic index foods, particularly for school and as after-school snacks, prevent the spike in blood glucose that would promote hyperactivity, and the following drop in blood glucose, making attention wane. Foods low in glycemic index are usually high in fiber, and/or also contain protein or fat. For example, white bread has a higher glycemic index than does whole grain bread. The fiber and protein from the whole grains slow the rate at which the stomach empties into the small intestine and therefore slows the increase in blood glucose following the meal or snack. The following are examples of low-glycemic index foods: all legumes, all leafy greens, all dried beans, most fruits (dried fruits are higher in glycemic index), whole grain breads, pasta, brown rice, quinoa, sweet potatoes (twice baked with a little butter and cinnamon are a special treat, ice cream, and nuts.

Credit: Peanut Butter01 image by Platinum Pictures from Fotolia.com

Adding protein to carbohydrate lowers the glycemic index of the carbohydrate. A traditional peanut butter and jelly sandwich can be much healthier with a few changes. Use whole grain bread, jelly or jam with no added sugar, just pureed fruit, and natural peanut butter with no sugar added for the lowest glycemic index sandwich.

Add Fat

Credit: cheese image by carol lynch from Fotolia.com
Cheese contains protein and fat, both lowering the glycemic index.

Adding fat, preferably mono- or poly-unsaturated fat lowers the glycemic index. Regular or reduced calorie cheese on top of the legumes and beans or in addition to the fruit make the fruits and vegetables more filling and more appealing. For example, black beans with brown rice, cheese, tomatoes, and avocado, is a very filling and tasty snack. Homemade pizza on whole wheat crust with no sugar added pasta sauce, mozzarella cheese, and pineapple, lean meat, and vegetables is also filling, tasty, and has a low glycemic index.

Eat Whole Foods

Credit: abstract,sign.organic fresh beet . food ,vegetable image by L. Shat from Fotolia.com

Although they are high in convenience, most processed foods tend to be higher in glycemic index the further they differ from the form in which they are grown. For example, apple juice is much higher in glycemic index than is an apple. Chips and crackers are higher in glycemic index than are brown rice and whole grain bread. The American Dietetic Association has a website with tasty, low glycemic index recipes (eatright.org). The American Diabetes Association has useful information about glycemic index and creative ideas for alternatives to traditional foods. A desirable diet for a diabetic does not differ much from a desirable diet for someone with ADHD.

Explaining Performance Foods

Credit: mother and daughter conversation image by Allen Penton from Fotolia.com

Sometimes children understand more than we give them credit for. If you are making a radical change in the snacks you prepare, tell your child why. He/she is already aware that there is an attention problem, and is likely frustrated. Explain in an age-appropriate manner that low glycemic index foods keep his/her blood sugar more constant, are not a punishment, but a performance enhancement, and are designed to make him/her the best kid he/she can be.

Keywords

• Low Glycemic Index
• Whole Grain Carbohydrate
• Performance Foods
• Brain Food
• Blood Glucose Regulation
• ADHD Diet

Reference

• American Diabetes Association: Low Glycemic Index Foods [http://www.diabetes.org/food-and-fitness/food/recipes/?utm_source=WWW&utm_medium=DropDownFF&utm_content=Recipes&utm_campaign=CON]
• American Dietetic Association: Low Glycemic Index Recipes [http://www.eatright.org/Public/content.aspx?id=6853]
• National Institute of Mental Health: ADHD [http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/index.shtml]

This title was solicited by livestrong.com but didn't meet the ephemeral and confounding editorial requirements from demandmedia.com. It's exasperating to write for them, but if they accept it, it pays decently for someone who is under-employed...

Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar walking offstage

Bill O'Reilly on The View
Bill O'Reilly said, "Muslims killed us on 9/11," among other incendiary and misleading statements in the conversation. When corrected, that it was not people practicing Islam, but terrorists who misappropriated Islam, who committed a horrific crime against humanity, he would not concede. I think it was absolutely appropriate for Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar to walk off stage. Barbara Walters said something along the lines of, 'if you invite someone into your home and they offend you, you don't walk away.' I think, instead, you would politely ask the person to leave.
I suppose having BO'R as a guest on the View is simply a way to demonstrate some "fairness" in airing differing views or more likely an easy way to create drama, which creates viewership on national television. I think if I were JB or WG, I would plan to be off the day BO'R was going to be a guest. He so completely out of touch with reality, while being a master at antagonizing and incendiary statements, I would have a hard time engaging in a conversation with him. I could, however, have a conversation with someone who was ignorant and bigoted, but open to suggestion regarding Islam and Islamism.
It's always a challenge to converse with someone on an emotional topic with whom you disagree. But, as Barbara Walters said, it should be, and must be done. I do not think BO'R is the person with whom any rational person could begin that dialogue.

Juan Williams fired from NPR

Juan Williams fired from NPR
I don't think Juan Williams was asserting that his fear of people dressed in Muslim garb on airplanes was reasonable or founded in reality or something he was proud of. I think he was admitting his own ignorance regarding Muslims. JW knows that Muslims, categorically, are not terrorists. He knows that the misappropriation of Islam by a few Islamists should not reflect on the majority of Muslims. However, because of imagery often reinforced by news media, he had this irrational fear.
I think his fear is similar to being afraid of someone who looks like a "thug." Some thugs are black. Some are white. Some are Latino. I think their common thread is some visual indication of poverty and/or criminal behavior. I think white people might tend to be less fearful of another white person who looked thuggy, and similarly for black people. Whereas interracial interactions between thug and pedestrian would be more fearful. I don't think any white person is proud that he/she afraid of someone from another race simply based on the way he/she looks/is dressed. However, to say that there are never any visual commonalities among criminals is ignoring reality. I don't know how the 9/11 hijackers were dressed. They may not even have been wearing "Muslim garb" the day they committed a horrific crime against humanity that has nothing to do with the religion of Islam. Nonetheless, middle America, of which I am a member, has little contact with Muslims and remains largely ignorant about the religion as a whole. I'm sure Juan Williams, considering his expertise on the Civil Rights movement in this country in the 1960's, realizes ignorance and bigotry are congruous. He does not wish to be bigoted. Admitting that you have an ignorant, irrational thought does not make you bigoted, it makes you human.

North vs South

Delaware

SNL Facebook Spoof. Pretty funny

Go, Rangers!

Not much of a baseball fan, but I am rooting for the Rangers. I think I don't like the Yankees in the same way some folks don't like the Longhorns. But it's also just neat to see the Rangers having a good team, especially under Nolan Ryan.

Things to say/not to say to a pregnant lady

Not to say:
You look bigger than last week. (My thought: You look uglier than last week).
How ARE you? (Great, how ARE you?)
Are you glad it's a [boy or girl]? (Nope, sex change, right out of the chute).
How are you FEELING? (Great, how are you FEELING? I feel pregnant. Duh!)
Are you/How long are you going to nurse? (Until the child can ask for it and unbutton my shirt).
How much l0nger are you going to work? (I'm thinking I'll stop, now!)
You're drinking/eating [that]?! (Did you want a bite?)
Is your husband excited? (No, he's upset the baby is the milkman's child).

To say:
You look radiant/beautiful/healthy. (My thought: thank you. I feel fat, but I am glad my skin isn't pimply).
Your boobs look awesome. (I know, right!)
Hi. (Hi!)
Congratulations! (Thank you!)

Bodybuilding Diet

Body building requires discipline in and out of the gym. Doing the correct exercises in the correct order, with the correct form are certainly the cornerstones of successful body building. However, without the proper nutritional composition and quantities of macronutrients (food), the chances of making the podium are low.

Most body builders are aware that muscles are essentially composed of protein, and few body builders neglect to eat enough protein. There are two key concerns regarding protein: eating complete proteins, those composed of the eight, essential amino acids, and consuming the proper amount of protein based on your weight and activity level.

There are eight essential amino acids required for building muscle, and our bodies cannot synthesize these without our ingesting all eight of them over the course of a day. Animal meats contain what are called, "complete proteins," meaning the meat alone contains everything necessary for muscle building. There are vegetarian options, also. Quinoa (pronounced "keen-wah") is a grain that also happens to be a complete protein. (The website quinoa.com has more information about quinoa and how to prepare it). Eating beans and rice in one sitting creates a complete protein. Certainly, it takes more sheer volume of the vegetarian options to amass the number of grams of protein required, but it certainly can be done.

As far as how much protein to eat, you can calculate this figure yourself based on your body weight. Ed Coyle, an exercise physiologist who studies human performance at the University of Texas, uses a rule of thumb based on body weight of 1.2 to 1.5 grams of protein per kilogram body weight. (You can convert your weight in pounds into kilograms by dividing by 2.2. E.g., 150 pounds, divided by 2.2 equals 68 kilograms). Therefore, this body builder would need to consume between 82 and 102 grams of protein per day.

As far as how much to eat, in terms of calories per day, both your body weight and activity level should be considered. The short answer is, a 150 pound man burns approximately 400 calories per hour while doing vigorous weight lifting. A more individualized answer may be found on a website densely packed with helpful nutritional information: mypyramid.gov, published by the USDA. You can easily track your calorie intake and nutritional composition by creating a free profile and entering your diet each day. Most foods are already listed in their directory, but you can add foods, also. Along with your diet, you can track your activity level. Again, most activities are already listed, including vigorous weight lifting. What other activities you do during the day may also be entered, and should be, particularly if you are very active at work. The net result, calculated on the website, provides feedback as to whether you are meeting demands of RDA’s for micronutrients (vitamins and minerals) and macronutrients (food) relative to your activity level.

Beginning body builders may err on the side of eating too few carbohydrates. In order to synthesize (create) muscle, your body needs the insulin response facilitated by eating carbohydrate. Insulin is an anabolic hormone, (yes, the same anabolic as in steroids) but it is totally legal. Essentially, eating carbohydrates, along with complete proteins, catalyzes an optimal amount of protein synthesis. Eating too few carbohydrates tends to result in muscular catabolism (Eek! That means break-down). Muscles need fuel to contract, and the primary fuel they use is glucose in the bloodstream. Without enough carbohydrate, your weight-training performance (you will not be able to lift as much weight) will be suboptimal, and/or you may end up undoing some of your hard work that would normally result in muscular anabolism (building).

The amount of carbohydrate to consume is not as easily calculable as is the amount of protein. Most nutritionists would have you consuming 50-70% of your day’s total calories from carbohydrate. If you are already consuming 10-30% of your day’s total calories from protein, that leaves 10-30% of your calories from fat. We now know the composition of macronutrients does not determine body weight, caloric balance does. In other words, the number of calories in (what you eat) minus the number of calories out (what you do) should be zero if you want to remain weight stable. However, while eating a diet of 100% fat would make you feel pretty horrible, if you were in caloric balance, you would not gain weight.

In the early stages of bodybuilding, a caloric surplus is required to gain weight, hopefully, mostly, in the form of muscle. Adhering to your weight-training program, while eating the appropriate number of calories per day, comprised of the appropriate proportions of macronutrients will maximize your muscular gain. Additionally, if you are a man, you have an additional anabolic hormone in greater quantities than does a woman, testosterone! Testosterone, along with the insulin response and another few hormones (Insulin-like growth factor, IGF-1 and human growth hormone, HGH), facilitate your synthesizing muscle. Yes, women have testosterone, too, (it is the primary hormone responsible for our sex-drive, by the way) but women have less of it.

To answer the question how much carbohydrate to eat, it depends. For example, if you are very active during the day, you do an hour of vigorous weight-lifting every day, and you weigh 150 pounds, you would need approximately 2000-2500 calories from normal activity, plus 400 calories from weight-lifting, for a total of 2400-2900 calories. We already calculated that a 150 pound body builder should eat 82-102 grams of protein per day. Protein and carbohydrate each have 4 calories per gram. Fat has 9 calories per gram. Here’s the math using our macronutrient guidelines and calculated requirements:

4 calories x 100 grams protein = 400 calories per day from protein

(400/2400 = approximately 15% calories per day from protein)

4 calories x approximately 400 grams carbohydrate = 65% calories per day from carbohydrate

9 calories x approximately 50 grams fat = 20% calories from fat

There are many websites that will help you calculate your basal metabolic (BMR) and actual metabolic rates, including: caloriesperhour.com, tooelehealth.org, and the aforementioned mypyramid.gov. The most precise way to determine your BMR is indirect calorimetry, which uses expired air when you are fasted to determine your actual BMR. Most people do not have access to this tool, and using tables that list calories expended per time doing activity are perfectly adequate.

Body builders (and most Americans) dream of the magic food or supplement that will provide perfect results. But, just like your mother used to say, “if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” The main attribute of a protein supplement, if you do not want to simply get your protein from real food, is that it contain the 8 essential amino acids. Claims that medium chain or branch-chain amino acids are more "bio-available" than other forms of protein are unfounded. If you enjoy the convenience and lack of math required by using a protein supplement, and you do not mind the expense, protein supplements are an easy way to ensure you are getting the right amount. However, use caution regarding the other ingredients in the protein supplement. Some supplements have been found to contain banned substances in competition, or simply ingredients you do not want to be ingesting. A reputable health food store can steer you in the correct direction (wholefoods.com and traderjoes,com, among others).

In terms of micronutrients (vitamins and minerals), you should check with your primary care physician, using your blood counts, but simply following the USRDA’s for your age and your sex is a good rule of thumb. You do not need mega-doses of anything for bodybuilding. In fact, mega-doses of some micronutrients might upset your stomach, which could hinder a workout on any given day.

The rest of the nutritional guidelines from the USDA food pyramid apply to bodybuilders, too. The current recommendation for servings of fruits and vegetables is 9 a day. The best sources of carbohydrate are complex, whole grains. Lean meats, fish, and beans lead the preference for sources of protein. Lastly, polyunsaturated fats, such as those contained in olive oil, avocado, and nuts, to name a few, with a minimal amount of saturated fats, are recommended sources.

Some experimentation early in the season (or in your career as a bodybuilder) in terms of what and how much to eat will provide valuable, individualized information. Near competitions, many body builders eat very few carbohydrates, fats, or salt, in order to optimize their appearances. These practices, while common, are not founded in scientific research. Additionally, you should always check with your primary care physician before beginning an exercise program.

Written in response to a solicitation for bodybuilding supplements. There are not any supplements required for body building.

wasting time

Didn't cause it, can't change it, cant cure it. Had a busy week. Draw to pursue frivolity this morning rather than finishing tasks. C'est d'accord. Looking forward to some NCAA football tomorrow. One more week of teaching at UT. It's been real! My 150+ kid class was super talky yesterday, both participating in class discussion and talking while I was talking. What the heck. I've never been to a college class where the teacher had to tell the class more than once to stop talking. Annoying. They are young and still loyal to the family body politic, for the most part.

win me, two!

Blue Fall by meredithlouise

win me!

Just Dance by meredithlouise

Not much

I don't like fox, foxnews, or now, foxsports. Couldn't watch the game, yesterday. Fell asleep while listening on the radio. Texas won. I have a star Longhorn in one of my classes....

Don't have much to say, just had a little time before the J and have currently caught up on most of my school preps. Watched some of the Buena Vista Social Club movie yesterday. We've been talking in classes about the relationship between wealth and health in US, and I think it's a different story in Cuba. No one has any money, and there is federally funded healthcare. The Cuban musicians who played on the grammy-winning album were between 60-90 years old, life-long cigars smokers, and smiling from ear to ear every time they were caught on camera. It seems the deadly combination for folks is to be poor and move to the US. Although, of course, the universal healthcare is probably the common denominator of health every where else in the world. Newly immigrated folks fare better on health than average Americans for their first 5 years here. After that, they quickly surpass "average" Americans on chronic diseases. It seems, until we do get universal healthcare here, that the only hope is to teach mind/body stress management techniques. And Martin Seligman's learned optimism skills.

Speaking of poor, I decided to stop taking dance classes and lessons until further notice. I am sad about it, but think it's the right thing to do. Have been trying to get in 30 minutes of aerobic exercise most days of the week since I got my 1-hour glucose tolerance test results back. Although, gestational diabetes does not have the behavioral causes that type II diabetes does. In fact, I have none of the risk factors. However, it is a hormonal response to pregnancy hormones and sometimes insulin production cannot keep up with the glucose needed to grow the fetus. They did take my blood 10 minutes early, but I don't think the full hour would have gotten me under the limit. I have to go for the 3 hour test on Friday. A drag. I hope I can sleep between draws. 3 hours is a long time to waste. I've been totally out of reading mode, lately.

Hank is starting to get used to the ECP. It's been 2 weeks. Brad has been taking him in the mornings. He cries on the way to school, but apparently cries not at all or much less after Brad passes him off. It is challenging. I don't want him to think we are discounting his feelings. I do want him to be able to be comforted by others or by himself, but I don't know if this is the right time to do it. I suppose if he cried during the day or long after Brad left, there would be more reason to be concerned. And I guess 2 year-olds don't know how to stuff their feelings. I've been trying not to think about it and trust he is in the care of loving adults and gaining valuable life skills. When I pick him up he looks content or involved in come activity. That seems like a good sign. He loves making challah on Thursdays, and they have been making it with chocolate chips! That's a pretty sure way to earn his approval. My dad used to say about me, I would eat sawdust, if it had enough salt and grease on it. I disagree, but I do think Hank would eat anything so long as the main ingredient were chocolate chips. Brad, too, for that matter.

Did you know Ramadan just ended?
Eid-Al-Fitr (End of Ramadan): September 10, 2010

And the first of the High Holy Days in Judaism just ended. Happy 5571!

I like tradition and ritual. I don't like seemingly antiquated or random "rules." I don't like paying lip-service to something I don't endorse. I don't think there is a religion that already suits me. The Episcopal church comes close, but it comes closer in the way it is practiced than the way it is written. E.g. The Nicene Creed (Did you know that is 1700 years old)? I don't believe Jesus is the only son of God. I don't believe there is only one Apostolic church. I know nothing about Muhammed and can't say he isn't God's son. Or the Divinity of Mary, Mother Theresa, or plenty of anonymous folks who regularly engage in Divine acts.
I also don't think God cares anymore if we mix up the plates for meat and dairy, but it was a good idea to keep them separate before the industrial revolution and pasteurization. I think tradition can adapt. Can't it? It seems humans of all ages are comforted by sameness and ritual day after changing day. Like Groundhog Day. Like watching the same episode of Caillou over and over and OVER. : )
I like going to church for the organ music, a few of the convocations, a few of the prayers, and sometimes the reminders the sermon provides. I don't like reciting things I don't think are true - I don't want to be inauthentic AND I don't want to feel a part from.
I don't think there is a church with big enough arms AND high enough ritual for me. One of my favorite things about Judaism is that so much ritual is in the home. I want to engage in that. I guess the thing is to begin today.
I have been able to maintain a Groundhog Day attitude regarding Brad and our differences. I guess it's only one difference, and it is a difference of opinion about what something should look like. We have been at an impasse regarding this issue in particular, which he worries about more than I will, basically, from I do. I feel able to enjoy his company despite not enjoying his attitude or behavior regarding the issue. It seems he cannot quite let go of what he thinks about me long enough to enjoy me for very long. I feel peaceful that I am doing my best, and that is all I can do. I know he is doing his best, too. Even though, I suppose we each have different opinions about what's the others' best should look like. That is a divider.
I think quitting dancing was my way of stepping across the line towards him. I don't need a standing ovation, but I would like some acknowledgment of my grief. Choices the other one makes are personal and not really the others' business. I also think what I think and how I feel are not up for debate. I sometimes feel invaded that he has telepathically interpreted my thought processes and decided they are incorrect. Thought processes are none of the others' business. Whatever mental and/or spiritual path I take to I get to where I am is legal. When the family is affected by the actions of a member, of course, the line is very blurry. And, I suppose my perceptions must be cloudy because I mostly hang around people above my SES, which makes me feel frugal in comparison. I don't get my hair done, makeup, facials, massage, mani-pedis, go out to eat, buy clothes (very often, and I never pay retail!), have the latest electronic gadget, have cable tv, go to expensive activities by myself or with HH. I am pretty sure other women do some or all of these things because I either hear about them and see they have been done. I suppose just because I do not do the "norm," whatever that is, does not mean the norm is "correct," or the way I should do it. And, I guess I need to recommit myself to the Your Money or Your Life techniques. I think I got rid of a lot of stuff I didn't need after reading that book for the second time. Maybe I can get to a deeper level this time. It is the new year, after all. 5571!
OK, don't panic. Today is a day we must carry the message. Man, double a would be my perfect church if we had a couple of organ hymns during the meeting...But, I suppose that would scare the shit out of newcomers. haha

Trust God, Clean House, Help Others.

Shanah Tovah!

Have a happy 5571!

Ebates

Check it out...
Ebates - cash back for purchases you normally make, anyway.

Been nesting and reading 700 page books

Just been busy with HH and cleaning and cleaning out the house. I am determined to get rid of these fungus gnats that seem to have no origin. Been scanning in more old stuff, backing it up on google docs, facebook, and flickr. Finished reading the Stieg Larsson trilogy and just watched the Swedish movie. Enjoyed learning a little bit about Swedish culture. They eat lots of sandwiches, drink lots of coffee, and are the opposite of puritanical.

Been looking for a job with no luck. Edited some papers via liveperson.com, but the end of the semester has brought an end to those jobs. Did get hired by Western International University and will be teaching an online class similar to the one I taught this spring. I am looking forward to that. I'll be wearing a Madonna mic and headset, and I will probably buy a webcam, but it's not required. I think they are cheap. BH was supposed to start school this fall, but is not going to. No comment.

HH is starting school at the J-ECP this fall. Theoretically, he can go 8:30-2:30 5 days a week. I wanted him in the MWF program, but it was full. I imagine we will be starting with a much abbreviated schedule. He does like school, though. Maybe he will get into it quicker than I think. Spring will be great for us because the new baby and I will be able to rest while he is at school. I want to be able to have enough energy to interact with HH (and baby, and BH) whenever they desire.

Nana got HH a few awesome toys and furniture at IKEA the other day. I had never thought much about looking there, but I did get him a dolphin there when he was an infant. I want to get a new highchair for baby, there, too. BH laughed I wanted to get HH an abacus. Kids having been learning to count for 2000 years with those things. Plus they have colored beads....

Not dancing much. Once a week with DID, and trying to practice at home by myself. He has been super nice and patient with me. I hope to learn all the routines for C&W comps in time to be able to perform them with him in about oh, a year or so. My SI joint is driving me crazy, however. 22 weeks as of yesterday!

Think that's about it.
Love,

not letting oxytocin make the decisions

Entertaining ideas about dog adoption, again. Samoyeds! What snapped me out of it was Brad describing a sweet, 16 year-old boy he saw on the news who wanted to be adopted. We should adopt him. The Texas Adoption Resource Exchange has LOTS of sweet looking kids ages 9-17! Of course, I realize the description is not going to say "this kid is a real pain in the neck," or have an unflattering photo of the kid shooting the bird or something, but what made me realize it was not reasonable to make this change at this time, because there were few I did not want to adopt. I don't really want a teenage girl, and I don't want a kid with severe physical disabilities.
So, we'll wait until this infant enters the world before considering bringing home one who is almost out of the nest. Texas actually pays for college for these kids. Pretty cool thing Texas does considering how many uncool things we do (TYC, for one, small example). But, I do want to remember the ideals of our family: community service, spiritual development, and proliferation of the species. #1&3 encompass kid adoption. #2, dog adoption.

Oxytocin and the adrenal cortex

I was thinking I could stay in Austin while BH and HH went to MI for a few days. I am PG, I don't like the beach, they can have dad/son time, blah blah. I thought about how much I could work and get done around the house. Rest. Clean. Get organized. Um, no. I can't be away from HH for more than a few hours. BH, well, darling, it's half your DNA. Not quite the same draw, but I am clingier than usual to BH, too. It will be expensive if we all go, and therefore may not be in the cards, but if they go, I go!

Recent reading list completions:
Other Voices, Other Rooms I didn't care for it, but am glad I read something by Capote. I couldn't handle taking on his Pulitzer Prize winner.
The Old Man and the Sea The most uplifting tragedy I have ever encountered. I always knew I loved Hemingway.
The Road Jesus Christ another very sad story. I thought it would make a pretty good movie. Apparently, it already has been made into a movie....
The Girl Who Played with Fire I'm about 300 pages into which I don't even think is halfway. It's a little tedious because I feel like nothing has happened, but I guess like Capote his descriptions are rich.

Movies:
Remember Me 4/5 stars from me. RPattz is an excellent actor. The story was compelling, and the movie was well-made.
Intermission Sucky British indie comedy with some heavy hitters.
Cinderella Man Medium. Like Crowe. Don't like Zellweiger. Like the happy ending of the traditional American movie.

Sick munchkin awakes!