Dreamed Brad and I bought a house that had a zoo. We found out one of the male, carnivorous cats had eaten the husband who used to live in the house. They let all the animals out regularly to roam the property. We were very appalled by the practice and couldn't believe they hadn't euthanized the tiger. We decided we would keep all the animals locked in their very comfortable and large enclosure, from now on. Then maybe we would be able to keep the tiger, but maybe not. There were a lot of empty salt water habitats. We also went to the family's other residence and it had lots of moldy, supposedly green appliances and a gym that was partly underwater. There was a weird tight rope thing that would drop you if didn't make it across.
PS I don't think I even ever reveal half of my inner most thoughts and feelings to you, world. There is much left unsaid. That's in a different book or not at all.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Another one?
When the wolf knocks on the door the first time, the piggies have to run or get eaten. The third time the wolf knocks on the door, don't give him a key or even a copy of the key, protect the piggies, then get everybody out of there!
If everyone acted exactly the way I wanted them to, all the time, why would I ever seek God? Their "misbhavior" drives me out of the way so God can do God's job.
Because humans are imperfect, their blessings are imperfect. The blessings they bring may come in the form of pain and suffering.
Opinions are like fingernails: everyone has them. Sometimes they look beautiful, and sometimes we need a manicure.
In case you missed this one below: Dear Blessings, it is unnecessary for you to come dressed in a disguise. In fact, your disguise is annyoing. Next time, just come dressed as you are, a Blessing!
My new favorite song: Caroline by Brandi Carlisle. I love her voice, the melody, and the piano. And the arrangement. It's super catchy - warning.
OK, read then sleep then Lindy!!!
If everyone acted exactly the way I wanted them to, all the time, why would I ever seek God? Their "misbhavior" drives me out of the way so God can do God's job.
Because humans are imperfect, their blessings are imperfect. The blessings they bring may come in the form of pain and suffering.
Opinions are like fingernails: everyone has them. Sometimes they look beautiful, and sometimes we need a manicure.
In case you missed this one below: Dear Blessings, it is unnecessary for you to come dressed in a disguise. In fact, your disguise is annyoing. Next time, just come dressed as you are, a Blessing!
My new favorite song: Caroline by Brandi Carlisle. I love her voice, the melody, and the piano. And the arrangement. It's super catchy - warning.
OK, read then sleep then Lindy!!!
Heysoos Kreesto
I can't believe I am still awake. TOO MUCH CAFFEINE. I am tired but not sleepy. Finished editing 2 papers for my Ugandan friend. I haven't danced, yet. Showered. Playing my guitar. Wrote on my notecards.
Here's my new blog idea. 365 days of hysterical thinking, grief, and joy.
Feeling your feelings and wallowing in self pity are 2 different things. They might look the same in a cross-sectional study, but they do not perform the same in a longitudinal study.
Here's my new blog idea. 365 days of hysterical thinking, grief, and joy.
Feeling your feelings and wallowing in self pity are 2 different things. They might look the same in a cross-sectional study, but they do not perform the same in a longitudinal study.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
I made it!
I left Austin around 3:30 and arrived in my room around 8:00 pm. May I remind you I am highly educated and sometimes pretty smart. The google map was lame, and I was lost in the most armpitty and seediest parts of Houston for about 1.5 hrs. I didn't start getting very fatigued until the end, however. Got to talk with my old sponsor on the phone. I updated my facebook status WAY too many times. I read a few of the affirmation/meditation cards I made last night. They are funny. I like them.
Sponsor made me feel SOOO apart of. I am not alone. Dopamine withdrawal! Get it from somewhere more adaptive. Yes, and it doesn't have to all make sense. Friend or me.
I really don't feel like doing anything right now, but there is a dance tonight, of course. I will have to leave my room at some point. : ) I REALLY like staying in hotel rooms.
PS I welcome all comments long or short.
Sponsor made me feel SOOO apart of. I am not alone. Dopamine withdrawal! Get it from somewhere more adaptive. Yes, and it doesn't have to all make sense. Friend or me.
I really don't feel like doing anything right now, but there is a dance tonight, of course. I will have to leave my room at some point. : ) I REALLY like staying in hotel rooms.
PS I welcome all comments long or short.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Recently received email
I get an email from this LifeCoaches thing - Bob Tschannen-Moran is a life coach. I thought it was particularly apropos this week. I am not angry, but I'm having a hard time with sadness and missing my friend. I know it's irrelevant, but I also think I am "right."
Here's what this guy said about forgiveness and fairness:
"Fairness. We know it's important because it's so primordial. "No fair!" is one of the earliest expressions of outrage mustered by young children, typically by the age of seven. In contrast to children between the ages of three and four, who are universally selfish, by the time children are seven or eight, they have developed a strong sense of equity. "One for me and none for you" just doesn't cut it any longer. Instead, they are keenly aware of whether or not they and their siblings, playmates, or classmates are being treated fairly.
When unfairness enters the picture, it's easy for children and adults alike to get very upset. Indeed, in its most extreme sense, perceived unfairness is the stuff that makes for wars. The whole notion of a "just war" is that it rights a wrong and follows certain rules of engagement (such as minimizing civilian causalities, which are perceived as being unfair compared to the treatment of enemy combatants).
In everyday interactions, a sense of unfairness can lead to grudges and general unhappiness. Some grudges are the stuff of legends: the house of Montague and Capulet (in Romeo and Juliet), the Jets and the Sharks (in West Side Story), and the Hatfields and McCoys (two feuding families in the West Virginia-Kentucky backcountry). Most grudges are privately held affairs, nurtured by gossip and enemy images. The longer and harder we hold on to them, the more miserable we become.
Perhaps that's why, when I searched on my Kindle for the word "forgiveness," it popped up most often in the books having to do with positive psychology and mindfulness. There is a connection between forgiveness and happiness. Listen to what two of the books had to say:
Sonja Lyubomirsky in The How of Happiness:
Here's what this guy said about forgiveness and fairness:
"Fairness. We know it's important because it's so primordial. "No fair!" is one of the earliest expressions of outrage mustered by young children, typically by the age of seven. In contrast to children between the ages of three and four, who are universally selfish, by the time children are seven or eight, they have developed a strong sense of equity. "One for me and none for you" just doesn't cut it any longer. Instead, they are keenly aware of whether or not they and their siblings, playmates, or classmates are being treated fairly.
When unfairness enters the picture, it's easy for children and adults alike to get very upset. Indeed, in its most extreme sense, perceived unfairness is the stuff that makes for wars. The whole notion of a "just war" is that it rights a wrong and follows certain rules of engagement (such as minimizing civilian causalities, which are perceived as being unfair compared to the treatment of enemy combatants).
In everyday interactions, a sense of unfairness can lead to grudges and general unhappiness. Some grudges are the stuff of legends: the house of Montague and Capulet (in Romeo and Juliet), the Jets and the Sharks (in West Side Story), and the Hatfields and McCoys (two feuding families in the West Virginia-Kentucky backcountry). Most grudges are privately held affairs, nurtured by gossip and enemy images. The longer and harder we hold on to them, the more miserable we become.
Perhaps that's why, when I searched on my Kindle for the word "forgiveness," it popped up most often in the books having to do with positive psychology and mindfulness. There is a connection between forgiveness and happiness. Listen to what two of the books had to say:
Sonja Lyubomirsky in The How of Happiness:
"What does forgiveness mean, and is it worthwhile to learn and practice it? Forgiveness may be the one factor that can disrupt the cycle of avoidance and vengeances in which we often find ourselves. Advocated by many, if not most, of the world's religions, forgiveness involves suppressing or mitigating one's motivations for avoidance and revenge (which often bring with them accompanying emotions of anger, disappointment, and hostility, and, ideally, replacing them with more positive or benevolent attitudes, feelings, and behaviors."
"Forgiveness is not reconciliation, pardoning, condoning, excusing, or denying the harm done. And the expression, "forgive and forget" is a misnomer since true forgiveness involves contemplating the injury at some length. How, then, do you know if you've forgiven someone? It's when you have experienced a shift in your thinking, such that your desire to harm that person has decreased and your desire to do him or her good (or to benefit your relationship) has increased."
"Forgiving is something that you do for yourself and not for the person who has wronged you. Clinging to bitterness or hate harms you more than the object of your hatred. (Buddha said, 'Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.') Empirical research confirms this insight. Forgiving people are less likely to be hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, angry, and neurotic. They are more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and more serene."
"Of all the happiness-promoting strategies described in this book, I believe that forgiveness is one of the most challenging to carry out. But, as is said, 'no pain, no gain.' What you reap may be enormous. If forgiveness fits your personality, goals, or needs, then the following techniques can be helpful. Appreciate being forgiven. Imagine forgiveness. Write a letter of forgiveness (don't send it, just write it). Practice empathy. Consider charitable attributions. Ruminate less. Make contact (send the letter, if it feels appropriate and healthy). Remind yourself of the importance of forgiveness."
Jack Kornfield in The Wise Heart:
"In Buddhist communities, there is a ritual of forgiveness where the abbot and elders regularly bow to the community and ask forgiveness for any errors they have made in their teaching and leadership. Every year at the end of our two-month retreat we do this. We invite our students' written suggestions and feedback. Then we move off our cushions and chairs and sit on the bare floor facing all the retreatants. We bow to them and their sincere practice. And then we ask their forgiveness for any way we may have harmed or misguided them. We tell them we did the best we could. Usually a lot of tears fall before the end of this ceremony."
"Forgiveness is both necessary and possible. It is never too late to find forgiveness and start again."
"Like the practice of compassion, forgiveness does not ignore the truth of our suffering. Forgiveness is not weak. It demands courage and integrity. Yet only forgiveness and love can bring about the peace we long for. As the Indian sage Meher Baba explains, 'True love is not for the fainthearted.'"
"We have all betrayed and hurt others, just as we have knowingly and unknowingly been harmed by them. It is inevitable in this human realm. Sometimes our betrayals are small, sometimes terrible. Extending and receiving forgiveness are essential to free us from our part. To forgive does not mean we condone the misdeeds of another. We can dedicate ourselves to making sure they never happen again. But without forgiveness the world can never be released from the sorrows of the past. Someone once quipped, 'Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. Forgiveness is a way to move on."
"In Buddhist psychology, forgiveness is not presented as a moral commandment -- 'Thou shalt forgive.' It is understood as a way to end suffering, to bring dignity and harmony to our life. Forgiveness is fundamentally for our sake, for our own mental health. It is a way to let go of the pain we carry. This is illustrated by the story of two former prisoners of war who meet after many years. When the first one asks, 'Have you forgiven your captors yet?' the second man answers, 'No, never.' 'Well, then,' the first many replies, 'they still have you in prison.'"
"For most people, the work of forgiveness is a process. Practicing forgiveness, we may go through stages of grief, rage, sorrow, hurt, and confusion. As we let ourselves feel the pain we still hold, forgiveness comes as a relief, a release for our heart in the end. Forgiveness acknowledges that no matter how much we may have suffered, we will not put another human being out of our heart."
In those sets of Ten New Commandments that we talked about at the start of this series, the connection between fairness and forgiveness is clearly described in one: "Do not overlook evil or shrink from administering justice, but always be ready to forgive wrongdoing freely admitted and honestly regretted." That, of course, makes forgiveness relatively easy. When wrongdoing is not admitted or regretted, forgiveness gets harder. Much harder. But that's especially when forgiveness offers us freedom and a positive way forward.
My hope is that we will find room in our hearts both for equity and for empathy. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, leads to a sightless and toothless world. Yet forgiveness without justice leads to its own form of abuse and disfiguration. We need them both to make life work."
Just keep on praying. I know it will get better.
Monday, March 08, 2010
looking back
November 2009
I told myself something I had forgotten. It was hilariously said, also. I also forgot this one, "if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten." I had forgotten how similar the last conflict with friend was to this one. Almost identical in craziness. I can honestly say I have never had such a dramatic conflict as these 2. Even when I was drinking, and I threw a glass at Bryan Bowden, I felt saner about it than I do this. That relationship made more sense than this one does, and we were both drinking drunks. Plus, I am friendly with Bryan, now. haha. I need to stay away from judging the friend, but I also need to protect Mere. There is no need to subject oneself to verbal abuse. And it is not being of service to stick around and take it.
I told myself something I had forgotten. It was hilariously said, also. I also forgot this one, "if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten." I had forgotten how similar the last conflict with friend was to this one. Almost identical in craziness. I can honestly say I have never had such a dramatic conflict as these 2. Even when I was drinking, and I threw a glass at Bryan Bowden, I felt saner about it than I do this. That relationship made more sense than this one does, and we were both drinking drunks. Plus, I am friendly with Bryan, now. haha. I need to stay away from judging the friend, but I also need to protect Mere. There is no need to subject oneself to verbal abuse. And it is not being of service to stick around and take it.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
What a long, strange week it's been.
Today has been one of the best days of the decade. So bizzzzarrreee because Monday was surely one of the worst. Universe, I am not blaming you or giving you all the credit, but I'll just say thank you to whomever worked on this Day. I know it's not reasonable, but when BH is irritated with me, I just cannot get to full joy. When he is happy with me, I get 100% full joy. We worked the first exercise in Getting the Love You Want, a book I have owned for probably 12 or 13 years. But, not JUST that. So sweet and present, and such a blessing to me.
I am missing my friend, and have forgotten the tears of yesterday, literally. Funny how I do tend to hold grudges, but also am very capable of euphoric recall. I do believe the Universe took pity on me and did something to get me through the pain with BH and friend. Intense pain, abated and caused by (or at least I attributed it to) each one, at different times, and now just a dull ache from friend. Last night, friend said I was abusing spiritual principles. I do not know to what friend referred. I feel innocent of any charges, but wonder what appears inauthentic. I don't think in my life I have been called as many names. Very strange sensation. One stuck, because I eventually recognized where I was acting childishly. The other names were water on a duck. Swam on through.
A little hard not to wonder what friend had told others of the story. None of my business!!! Of course, I want to contact friend, but can offer no logical explanation why I should. Friend has been so clear I am unwelcome. I suppose this is another example of my boundary violations. Oddly, I have made GREAT progress on this issue in sobriety. I was so unaware of anything vaguely resembling a boundary. Now, I can sometimes see them, sometimes erect them, myself. And sometimes I even respect them, especially when they have been pointed out.
Got to practice waltz and foxtrot after Lindy team today. Didn't get to dance with my actual partner, really, at all because the first bit of choreo is with a rotated partner. And it was close, but I did not have to rotate to friend. Kind of funny on that one, Universe. One foot to the left, and we would have had to get through that. Friend acted normalish. I sensed I might be on a behavioral trial, just because of all the behavioral trials of others friend has told me about. I tried to stay present and felt successful. So far, routine is fun.
Had dinner with parents and Hank. That was more pleasant than usual. I guess give BH and I some time alone and together, and we can be pretty freaking charming.
I am missing my friend, and have forgotten the tears of yesterday, literally. Funny how I do tend to hold grudges, but also am very capable of euphoric recall. I do believe the Universe took pity on me and did something to get me through the pain with BH and friend. Intense pain, abated and caused by (or at least I attributed it to) each one, at different times, and now just a dull ache from friend. Last night, friend said I was abusing spiritual principles. I do not know to what friend referred. I feel innocent of any charges, but wonder what appears inauthentic. I don't think in my life I have been called as many names. Very strange sensation. One stuck, because I eventually recognized where I was acting childishly. The other names were water on a duck. Swam on through.
A little hard not to wonder what friend had told others of the story. None of my business!!! Of course, I want to contact friend, but can offer no logical explanation why I should. Friend has been so clear I am unwelcome. I suppose this is another example of my boundary violations. Oddly, I have made GREAT progress on this issue in sobriety. I was so unaware of anything vaguely resembling a boundary. Now, I can sometimes see them, sometimes erect them, myself. And sometimes I even respect them, especially when they have been pointed out.
Got to practice waltz and foxtrot after Lindy team today. Didn't get to dance with my actual partner, really, at all because the first bit of choreo is with a rotated partner. And it was close, but I did not have to rotate to friend. Kind of funny on that one, Universe. One foot to the left, and we would have had to get through that. Friend acted normalish. I sensed I might be on a behavioral trial, just because of all the behavioral trials of others friend has told me about. I tried to stay present and felt successful. So far, routine is fun.
Had dinner with parents and Hank. That was more pleasant than usual. I guess give BH and I some time alone and together, and we can be pretty freaking charming.
soooooooooo much better
Had ANOTHER huge ooooooooooooooo with friend. Friend felt boundaries were violated. I totally didn't get that while it was happening. To me, it felt like I had taped a couple of pebbles to friend, and friend used machine gun to retaliate. To friend, it felt like I was attacking the little kid whose boundaries were violated. Makes sense. Gender differences for sure.
Sooooooooo much less pain. So much more detached. Ahhhhhhh. Relief. Thank you, Universe!
Sooooooooo much less pain. So much more detached. Ahhhhhhh. Relief. Thank you, Universe!
Thursday, March 04, 2010
good gone bad
This has been the shittiest 4 days in a long fucking time. Mother, don't worry, I WILL be ok. I just need to vent. And express how incredulous I am about how shitty it has been. March 1, the first day of my 38th year. Very shitty. March 2. Shitty. March 3. Shitty. Today. Very shitty. And "I wish I were a lesbian and not a hetero." - Loudon Wainwright III. OK, God. Surrender. I surrender. Enough shittiness. I know it is not God doing it to me. It is no one doing it to me. They are just doing it. And the way they are doing it is very shitty. Why is the Y chromosome so toxic? I do not understand. I understand less about it today than I ever have. They have us. Right where they want us. We give them all this ooey gooey love. Boobs. Shaved legs. Good smells. They turn on and off like robots. Mean robots. Cold blooded. Very cold. I've never met a woman as cold as the warmest man I have ever met. They are cold. Tiger-killing machines. Sperm-spreading machines. Would we have boundaries between countries without the Y chromosome? I think not. The earth would be grossly overpopulated with sweetness and breast-feeding and would be way too hot. Global warming caused by the absence of Y chromosomes. Aren't there fish and flowers who reproduce without needing the opposite sex? Come on, ladies. We can do this alone. The traffic would be so awesome. Us letting each other in all the time. Using our turn signals. Asking for directions. We could do each others' nails for free because we would have so much free time not cleaning up after them. The entire world would be enlightened in just a few more years of us running things. We would become one with the Spirit of the Universe. But, let's keep Hank.
PS Hurtful friend has unfacebook friended me. I guess we are not friends, anymore. Yesterday, friends. Today, argument. Unfacebook friended. That is what friend has done with all other emotionally intimate relationships. Friend says I am immature. I hope it is anything that is the opposite of unfucking facebook friending someone after breaking her heart several times over. That is very sad for friend. Must be much more lonely than I can understand. I will pray for friend to find a Different Way. And to save me from being angry and hurt. I have prostrated myself several times over and cannot penetrate the cement ice-wall. I hope friend can let someone in someday.
PS Hurtful friend has unfacebook friended me. I guess we are not friends, anymore. Yesterday, friends. Today, argument. Unfacebook friended. That is what friend has done with all other emotionally intimate relationships. Friend says I am immature. I hope it is anything that is the opposite of unfucking facebook friending someone after breaking her heart several times over. That is very sad for friend. Must be much more lonely than I can understand. I will pray for friend to find a Different Way. And to save me from being angry and hurt. I have prostrated myself several times over and cannot penetrate the cement ice-wall. I hope friend can let someone in someday.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
2 things
I was going to sell another Sanrio item on eBay due to the success of the the sale of a plastic notepad holder I have had for 20 years that recently sold very well. I listed the stuffed animal, but it didn't sell, possibly because I forgot to change the category from Little Twin Stars. I don't know who this is. Anyone?
While trying to identify it on the Sanrio website, I started thinking I don't want to sell it. Millions of Japanese females can't be wrong.
I recently learned the term FOB from the urban dictionary. It stands for fresh off the boat and is a slightly derogatory term used by Far-east Asian-Americans to describe those who have recently emigrated. Used in a sentence on UD, "You look so fobby with all that Hello Kitty gear on."
I bring this ease of influence up because in my class on Tuesday, first of all, they talked!, but secondly, they talked about our 1st debate topic, "should drug laws remain restrictive." Five students presented the debate to us last week and did an excellent job. It recently occurred to me (I am slow) that drug laws are meant to protect us from ourselves. If that is the case, why is alcohol legal and marijuana illegal. Overdose from alcohol (death) is not uncommon. Overdose from marijuana is not possible. Yes, the risk of DUI/DWI is theoretically the same, however, marijuana, usually, makes people simply fall asleep, eat, or giggle. I don't think the incidence of DUI of marijuana is anywhere near DUI of alcohol. Of course, marijuana is illegal, so the comparison is not exactly fair. Anyway, we collectively agree that children, tweens, in particular were influenced by tv ads and popular culture images and ideas with which they are bombarded. Having certain drugs remain illicit would be adaptive for them. However, having alcohol and tobacco be licit is definitely maladaptive for them, at least certain ones. I remember being 12, 13 and looking at Cosmopolitan magazine, and thinking this is what adult women are reading, and this is how they act. With no self-respect, of course, tobacco ads were still Virginia Slims and "look how awesome I look smoking," kind of thing. Not that all my friends smoked, but the ones I wanted to be cool and rebellious like, did.
We mentioned "Just Say No," and I argued that one reason it was ineffective was that it addressed a situation that rarely occurs. Kids are not presented with drugs, nor do they need a refusal statement. As I mentioned in class, people who are drug dependent are not going around trying to share their drugs. They are not that magnanimous. If anything, they would say, "keep your grubs off my drugs," or something to that effect.
I was mostly sold on the family systems theory of maladaptive risk-taking, but after class I am convinced that that has to occur within the American culture of sex, drugs, and rock n roll, AND in the person who has the physiological and psychological predispositions to engage in maladaptive risk-taking.
The other point I meant to make here, is that the federal government protects us from ourselves with illicit drugs, but CVD is #1 cause of morality in US, and over half those deaths are from preventable causes like not eating transfat, high fructose corn syrup, like eating 9 servings of fruits and veggies/day, like getting 3-5 hours moderate intensity PA, and not smoking. The federal government does not restrict us or mandate us much in any of the other areas that clearly determine our health. Therefore, it is illogical for us to spend our own tax dollars on something that doesn't harm us as much as other things that do harm us a lot. Know what I mean?
I'm in a hurry this morning.
Have an awesome one!!!
While trying to identify it on the Sanrio website, I started thinking I don't want to sell it. Millions of Japanese females can't be wrong.
I recently learned the term FOB from the urban dictionary. It stands for fresh off the boat and is a slightly derogatory term used by Far-east Asian-Americans to describe those who have recently emigrated. Used in a sentence on UD, "You look so fobby with all that Hello Kitty gear on."
I bring this ease of influence up because in my class on Tuesday, first of all, they talked!, but secondly, they talked about our 1st debate topic, "should drug laws remain restrictive." Five students presented the debate to us last week and did an excellent job. It recently occurred to me (I am slow) that drug laws are meant to protect us from ourselves. If that is the case, why is alcohol legal and marijuana illegal. Overdose from alcohol (death) is not uncommon. Overdose from marijuana is not possible. Yes, the risk of DUI/DWI is theoretically the same, however, marijuana, usually, makes people simply fall asleep, eat, or giggle. I don't think the incidence of DUI of marijuana is anywhere near DUI of alcohol. Of course, marijuana is illegal, so the comparison is not exactly fair. Anyway, we collectively agree that children, tweens, in particular were influenced by tv ads and popular culture images and ideas with which they are bombarded. Having certain drugs remain illicit would be adaptive for them. However, having alcohol and tobacco be licit is definitely maladaptive for them, at least certain ones. I remember being 12, 13 and looking at Cosmopolitan magazine, and thinking this is what adult women are reading, and this is how they act. With no self-respect, of course, tobacco ads were still Virginia Slims and "look how awesome I look smoking," kind of thing. Not that all my friends smoked, but the ones I wanted to be cool and rebellious like, did.
We mentioned "Just Say No," and I argued that one reason it was ineffective was that it addressed a situation that rarely occurs. Kids are not presented with drugs, nor do they need a refusal statement. As I mentioned in class, people who are drug dependent are not going around trying to share their drugs. They are not that magnanimous. If anything, they would say, "keep your grubs off my drugs," or something to that effect.
I was mostly sold on the family systems theory of maladaptive risk-taking, but after class I am convinced that that has to occur within the American culture of sex, drugs, and rock n roll, AND in the person who has the physiological and psychological predispositions to engage in maladaptive risk-taking.
The other point I meant to make here, is that the federal government protects us from ourselves with illicit drugs, but CVD is #1 cause of morality in US, and over half those deaths are from preventable causes like not eating transfat, high fructose corn syrup, like eating 9 servings of fruits and veggies/day, like getting 3-5 hours moderate intensity PA, and not smoking. The federal government does not restrict us or mandate us much in any of the other areas that clearly determine our health. Therefore, it is illogical for us to spend our own tax dollars on something that doesn't harm us as much as other things that do harm us a lot. Know what I mean?
I'm in a hurry this morning.
Have an awesome one!!!
Monday, February 08, 2010
excuse me, while I diatribe
Woke up this morning, to my alarm, angry about our healthcare system. People have anger because it motivates change. Sometimes I forget why we have certain negative affectivities. My situation is minute, obviously. Minutia. But, I was dreaming about decorating a bas-relief that illustrated the history of Nelson Mandela just before I woke up.
I have had maxillary sinus pain and a stuffed up ear for over a week. Went to a "new" but older doctor at Dr. Lamy's office last week. He was absolutely the antithesis of healthcare. Just wanted to employ his agenda and listened to nothing I said. Complimented me, hollowly, to pacify me, which was easier than normal to do because I wasn't feeling well. But he didn't listen to anything I had to say. Told me to do all the things I was already doing. I had attributed some tooth weird-feeling I noticed yesterday to not flossing a night or two last week, but no, I think it's referred maxillary sinus pain. Why would it be only on top if it were a flossing issue? What doctors don't get is, we patients have deductive reasoning, too. We have intelligence; we have experience. We have the benefit of experience with our own bodies! Here are the symptoms I have experienced many times. Many, many times. I agreed to do what he said (which was to continue to do what I was already doing, except, I was doing something more effective, additionally) because I was doubting my self and my experience. Not smart. Experience, being in the same place I have been before, in Health, in Spirit, in Life, is worth something. It has value. It doesn't mean one can predict the future, or that one has expertise in an area, but it does mean, I have been here before, and I know what I did that worked to change it! So, now, I have maxillary sinus pain that is in my upper jaw. Way to go, Dr. Harrison.
I had an appointment with my ENT, but he had to cancel and reschedule, and I haven't called back, yet. Yes, I will call this morning.
Meanwhile, I don't know which other quack to call. The problem with good doctors is that they are much harder to get into. My quacks, I can see the same day. If they will listen to me long enough, I can usually tell them what is wrong with me.
I will spare you all my opinions about prescription drugs. Although, I will tell you, I don't like being treated like a drug-addict when I request a drug that requires a prescription and has any efficacy beyond that of an over-the-counter drug. Yes, I am a recovered drug-addict, but in the over 14 years I have been sober, I have had ZERO desire to use a mind-altering chemical for recreation. ZERO. Yes, I have used prescription drugs as they have been prescribed. Some of them are mind-altering. Have I gotten high? No! Far from it. When I had my tonsils out, I was taking a narcotic, hydrocodone, suffering in great pain while taking the maximum dose. Called the doctor, my doctor was not on call, of course, and the on-call doctor would give me nothing else. Same thing with episiotomy. I realize it's all a liability issue for them. I don't have any sympathy for that. I am an individual. I am an individual with whom they have some history. If I wanted a drug to get high, (which I don't, and haven't for a LONG time, by the Grace of God and a Program of Recovery!) I would call a drug dealer. I would not call a doctor! Thank you. You have listened beyond what you should have been subject to. I am pissed and uncomfortable enough to take more action.
Meanwhile, finally had some alone time with BH where we were mostly both well. Despite my stuffiness, I don't feel bad. He is very good at having alone time, although it is often harder to get him to agree to do than it is to get a prescription drug from a doctor! I can enjoy HH's cuteness with 110% adulation when I have had a little break every once in a while.
Unfortunately, there were few leads at dv, though I had clearance to go. Got in a fancy 2-step and WCS, but other than that, it was a lot of basics of every other dance. Sometimes fine, but sometimes boring. At least not condescending. And talked with some follows. I suppose that is good to do from time to time.
Got my test written for my class. I think it is good and fair. I spent quite a bit of time on it. I wonder if all professors think this about their tests and power point presentations. I know Ed loved his .ppts. I am ok with that, except he wrote them in the early 1990's and still used them in the early 2000's.
Done. Done. Done. Life is good. These are luxury complaints and observations. Anger motivates change. It's not bad or wrong. Thank you, Mary S.
I have had maxillary sinus pain and a stuffed up ear for over a week. Went to a "new" but older doctor at Dr. Lamy's office last week. He was absolutely the antithesis of healthcare. Just wanted to employ his agenda and listened to nothing I said. Complimented me, hollowly, to pacify me, which was easier than normal to do because I wasn't feeling well. But he didn't listen to anything I had to say. Told me to do all the things I was already doing. I had attributed some tooth weird-feeling I noticed yesterday to not flossing a night or two last week, but no, I think it's referred maxillary sinus pain. Why would it be only on top if it were a flossing issue? What doctors don't get is, we patients have deductive reasoning, too. We have intelligence; we have experience. We have the benefit of experience with our own bodies! Here are the symptoms I have experienced many times. Many, many times. I agreed to do what he said (which was to continue to do what I was already doing, except, I was doing something more effective, additionally) because I was doubting my self and my experience. Not smart. Experience, being in the same place I have been before, in Health, in Spirit, in Life, is worth something. It has value. It doesn't mean one can predict the future, or that one has expertise in an area, but it does mean, I have been here before, and I know what I did that worked to change it! So, now, I have maxillary sinus pain that is in my upper jaw. Way to go, Dr. Harrison.
I had an appointment with my ENT, but he had to cancel and reschedule, and I haven't called back, yet. Yes, I will call this morning.
Meanwhile, I don't know which other quack to call. The problem with good doctors is that they are much harder to get into. My quacks, I can see the same day. If they will listen to me long enough, I can usually tell them what is wrong with me.
I will spare you all my opinions about prescription drugs. Although, I will tell you, I don't like being treated like a drug-addict when I request a drug that requires a prescription and has any efficacy beyond that of an over-the-counter drug. Yes, I am a recovered drug-addict, but in the over 14 years I have been sober, I have had ZERO desire to use a mind-altering chemical for recreation. ZERO. Yes, I have used prescription drugs as they have been prescribed. Some of them are mind-altering. Have I gotten high? No! Far from it. When I had my tonsils out, I was taking a narcotic, hydrocodone, suffering in great pain while taking the maximum dose. Called the doctor, my doctor was not on call, of course, and the on-call doctor would give me nothing else. Same thing with episiotomy. I realize it's all a liability issue for them. I don't have any sympathy for that. I am an individual. I am an individual with whom they have some history. If I wanted a drug to get high, (which I don't, and haven't for a LONG time, by the Grace of God and a Program of Recovery!) I would call a drug dealer. I would not call a doctor! Thank you. You have listened beyond what you should have been subject to. I am pissed and uncomfortable enough to take more action.
Meanwhile, finally had some alone time with BH where we were mostly both well. Despite my stuffiness, I don't feel bad. He is very good at having alone time, although it is often harder to get him to agree to do than it is to get a prescription drug from a doctor! I can enjoy HH's cuteness with 110% adulation when I have had a little break every once in a while.
Unfortunately, there were few leads at dv, though I had clearance to go. Got in a fancy 2-step and WCS, but other than that, it was a lot of basics of every other dance. Sometimes fine, but sometimes boring. At least not condescending. And talked with some follows. I suppose that is good to do from time to time.
Got my test written for my class. I think it is good and fair. I spent quite a bit of time on it. I wonder if all professors think this about their tests and power point presentations. I know Ed loved his .ppts. I am ok with that, except he wrote them in the early 1990's and still used them in the early 2000's.
Done. Done. Done. Life is good. These are luxury complaints and observations. Anger motivates change. It's not bad or wrong. Thank you, Mary S.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Love is strong word
Loving teaching my class. It is awesome and fun.
Had a lesson with DID, yesterday. It was good. Going to go back to training with him for a C&W comp sometime in the future.
Had a good lesson with Carlos, too. I feel unfreaked out dancing salsa with him. He is teaching me a shine and a couples pattern. I want to learn some new routines.
I feel like I have cheated on DIT. I know it's silly. Given up on DPB.
Going to cover some dresses in rhinestones.
HH goes back to gymnastics today.
He is loving his school, too.
The only think I don't love is parking. My appointment STILL has not processed, so I am parking in the garage at hourly rates. Ouch!
Had a lesson with DID, yesterday. It was good. Going to go back to training with him for a C&W comp sometime in the future.
Had a good lesson with Carlos, too. I feel unfreaked out dancing salsa with him. He is teaching me a shine and a couples pattern. I want to learn some new routines.
I feel like I have cheated on DIT. I know it's silly. Given up on DPB.
Going to cover some dresses in rhinestones.
HH goes back to gymnastics today.
He is loving his school, too.
The only think I don't love is parking. My appointment STILL has not processed, so I am parking in the garage at hourly rates. Ouch!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I have a class to teach
Sewed my sweater patches on to my tweed jacket. Or was it tweed patches on to a sweater? (Homer Simpson's bout as a community college teacher). Can't say who, of course, and it's not Colt McCoy, but I do have 1 current and 1 former Longhorn in the class. I have to say, I am totally star struck, but have kept cool so far (one class period). Didn't talk long enough yesterday, but seemed to keep everyone's attention, and I think it will be a good group. They were awake at 8 am and smiling. I hadn't been to the 9th floor of Bellmont since they put carpet in front of the elevators. And the 10th floor is no longer an abandoned sleeping lounge, but the undergrad advising office. It remains the place where furniture goes before it is put to rest.
We have all been sick: Hank and I with sinus infection (about #5 for me this season), I with bronchitis, Hank with bronchitis, Brad and I with stomach flu. Stomach flu was über boo. Brad and I realized we had it around 11 pm Friday night. Thank God my dad answered the phone, brought us phenegren, and took Hank home with him. Brad and I emerged from our excretions and comas around 12 pm on Sunday. Haven't felt much like eating since. I had made a beautiful cabbage salad with grapes, carrots, and homemade peanut dressing for lunch. Needless to say, that sounds absolutely disgusting, now. Brad had eaten Newman O's just before bed. That will keep him out of my cookie stash for a while.... Didn't get to perform at Lone Star, consequently. Danced a LITTLE Friday night. Hope I didn't spread it.
Been "watching" Twilight I downloaded from iTunes. Over and over. It plays in the background. I don't watch it except every once in a while I flip over to watch scenes. The prom scene. R Pattz' performance is Oscar worthy. He has been overlooked as an awesome actor, probably because he is so beautiful. I think Kristen Stewart does an awesome job, too. Although, one way she indicates hesitation (breathing, haltingly) becomes less endearing after 20 or so showings. Can't be faulted for that, really. I STILL haven't seen New Moon. Guess it's gonna be video for MLMH!
We have all been sick: Hank and I with sinus infection (about #5 for me this season), I with bronchitis, Hank with bronchitis, Brad and I with stomach flu. Stomach flu was über boo. Brad and I realized we had it around 11 pm Friday night. Thank God my dad answered the phone, brought us phenegren, and took Hank home with him. Brad and I emerged from our excretions and comas around 12 pm on Sunday. Haven't felt much like eating since. I had made a beautiful cabbage salad with grapes, carrots, and homemade peanut dressing for lunch. Needless to say, that sounds absolutely disgusting, now. Brad had eaten Newman O's just before bed. That will keep him out of my cookie stash for a while.... Didn't get to perform at Lone Star, consequently. Danced a LITTLE Friday night. Hope I didn't spread it.
Been "watching" Twilight I downloaded from iTunes. Over and over. It plays in the background. I don't watch it except every once in a while I flip over to watch scenes. The prom scene. R Pattz' performance is Oscar worthy. He has been overlooked as an awesome actor, probably because he is so beautiful. I think Kristen Stewart does an awesome job, too. Although, one way she indicates hesitation (breathing, haltingly) becomes less endearing after 20 or so showings. Can't be faulted for that, really. I STILL haven't seen New Moon. Guess it's gonna be video for MLMH!
Love it!
Wow, I wish he were my mayor. This IS how social change happens. After self-reflection and examination, slowly, and one person at a time.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
My 2009 commentary by Meredith Hodgkinson (and some random dreams)
I heard a political analyst interviewed on NPR recently call Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor's statement to a group primarily of Latina law students, "I would hope that a wise Latina, with the richness of her experiences, would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life," 'stupid.' I think most of the commentary and reporting on the comment was ignorant of the fact that a) She was trying to inspire some young women of a particular ethnic background and probably SES. We, as news media, or as a society, don't give anyone else a hard time (politicians and Supreme Court Justices included) for trying to inspire people based on their experience and the experience of the majority of their audience. b) She was alluding to a comment made by Supreme Court Justice O'Connor, who said that, "At the end of the day, a wise old man and a wise old woman reach the same judgment." Ignorance drove most of the criticism of Sotomayor's comment. Justices are CONSTANTLY examining precedent, and Sotomayor has proven no different. And as Justice Scalia said, "There is no Catholic way to cook a hamburger." Sotomayor wasn't saying she would rule in favor of Latinos, but simply to point out she had an Ivy League education and an interesting life experience growing up as a "Newyorican." Would not life experience benefit anyone doing any job?
I enjoyed this commentary.
I would also like to address the backlash regarding President Obama's race. President Obama has not made an issue of his race. He is, in fact, bi-racial. In the US, we have a history of viewing individuals who were even 1/4 black, as being black. Now, this bi-racial individual is labeled "black." (I don't know if he self-identifies as black or bi-racial). The US has a long history of enslaving black and bi-racial people. No, we don't do that today, but it is significant, that we, as a country have moved from a completely oppressive system to electing a president who is "black." We made note when Justice O'Connor was seated. The US has a history almost as long at oppressing, while not enslaving, women. It is significant that in the same century women gained the right to vote that we have a woman seated on the Supreme Court, that we had a viable Democratic candidate for the office of president, that we have a bi-racial president. These are big deals. While we strive for "color-blindness," it seems more adaptive to strive for "color-seeing-acceptance." Let us be women, black, gay, green, and acknowledge it. It is obvious we don't make decisions solely on the basis of our differences. We don't even have to embrace our differences, but I plan to.
I was dreaming I went BACK to ESD, having a PhD and take a few classes I hadn't done well in. Linda Biderman was working there in admissions. Gloria and Marianne from UT were also working there in the administrative offices. I went to this class that took me forever to find. I had to run down to the building because it was about a 30 minute walk. I took off my yellow uniform shirt and ran in my sports bra and skirt carrying the shirt in one hand and Hank in another. There were a bunch of fast food restaurants in the building before I got to the classrooms. Hank had gone up to a salsa bar for a restaurant and took the scoop and scooped some into his mouth before I could catch him. I apologized; he loves salsa. Once I got to class, it was very crowded, and people were frowning I had Hank. I wasn't going to stay in class if he cried. The teacher was a man I had never seen and was an asshole. His lecture was very disorganized and confusing. I thought, "no wonder I didn't do well in this class. If it doesn't get better, I'm not taking it, again." He and I got into some arguement when I told a girl it was ok to cry. Actually, I said, "it's ok," to her at the end of an exercise in class. He had brought in his wife, Lisa Loeb, to do some role-playing with her, her baby, and this gal. I don't recall exactly what it was, but it upset the girl. I told him he wasn't a psychotherapist. He said, actually he was. He had 5 degrees. (Trumps my 3). I said, well, this wasn't a psychotherapy session. Agreed.
A couple nights ago I dreamed my mom had appendicitis and my dad wouldn't take her to emergency. Dave Breihan happened to be at my parents house to take care of Hank while I took my mom to Presbyterian. They hooked her up to a scanner kind of like Idiocracy meets Brazil (movies). I was giving Dave instructions about how loud he could have the radio on with Hank asleep. I figured we would make out when I got back home. haha.
Brad and I had the same dream the other night. I don't recall what it was at the moment, but we dreamed we were in the same place on the same night. Ooooooo.
I enjoyed this commentary.
I would also like to address the backlash regarding President Obama's race. President Obama has not made an issue of his race. He is, in fact, bi-racial. In the US, we have a history of viewing individuals who were even 1/4 black, as being black. Now, this bi-racial individual is labeled "black." (I don't know if he self-identifies as black or bi-racial). The US has a long history of enslaving black and bi-racial people. No, we don't do that today, but it is significant, that we, as a country have moved from a completely oppressive system to electing a president who is "black." We made note when Justice O'Connor was seated. The US has a history almost as long at oppressing, while not enslaving, women. It is significant that in the same century women gained the right to vote that we have a woman seated on the Supreme Court, that we had a viable Democratic candidate for the office of president, that we have a bi-racial president. These are big deals. While we strive for "color-blindness," it seems more adaptive to strive for "color-seeing-acceptance." Let us be women, black, gay, green, and acknowledge it. It is obvious we don't make decisions solely on the basis of our differences. We don't even have to embrace our differences, but I plan to.
I was dreaming I went BACK to ESD, having a PhD and take a few classes I hadn't done well in. Linda Biderman was working there in admissions. Gloria and Marianne from UT were also working there in the administrative offices. I went to this class that took me forever to find. I had to run down to the building because it was about a 30 minute walk. I took off my yellow uniform shirt and ran in my sports bra and skirt carrying the shirt in one hand and Hank in another. There were a bunch of fast food restaurants in the building before I got to the classrooms. Hank had gone up to a salsa bar for a restaurant and took the scoop and scooped some into his mouth before I could catch him. I apologized; he loves salsa. Once I got to class, it was very crowded, and people were frowning I had Hank. I wasn't going to stay in class if he cried. The teacher was a man I had never seen and was an asshole. His lecture was very disorganized and confusing. I thought, "no wonder I didn't do well in this class. If it doesn't get better, I'm not taking it, again." He and I got into some arguement when I told a girl it was ok to cry. Actually, I said, "it's ok," to her at the end of an exercise in class. He had brought in his wife, Lisa Loeb, to do some role-playing with her, her baby, and this gal. I don't recall exactly what it was, but it upset the girl. I told him he wasn't a psychotherapist. He said, actually he was. He had 5 degrees. (Trumps my 3). I said, well, this wasn't a psychotherapy session. Agreed.
A couple nights ago I dreamed my mom had appendicitis and my dad wouldn't take her to emergency. Dave Breihan happened to be at my parents house to take care of Hank while I took my mom to Presbyterian. They hooked her up to a scanner kind of like Idiocracy meets Brazil (movies). I was giving Dave instructions about how loud he could have the radio on with Hank asleep. I figured we would make out when I got back home. haha.
Brad and I had the same dream the other night. I don't recall what it was at the moment, but we dreamed we were in the same place on the same night. Ooooooo.
Friday, January 01, 2010
Happy new year 2010!
Here are some showcase pics by Raman Evazians.
The move that launched 1000 arguments / me dying inside.
And a few of me and Tommy.
Where does my leg go, exactly?
Ah, there it is!
Fancy!
THE PIVOT TURN
Hey, I'm still standing erect!
Remembered to let go!
How I wish that you were mine...(We danced to Ma Cherie Amour).
I think it was 100% fun. I even succeeded at putting my own eyelashes on. What a personal victory.
Been having dance withdrawal, but been enjoying family time. Our internets have been down since we got back from Dallas. It has kept BH from working after work, and he has also been especially his charming self. I have enjoyed his company, a lot.
Been watching Curb Your Enthusiasm on DVD. It kind of makes me nervous, but he's pretty funny and reminds me of myself. Did I already mention that?
I went to bed around 8:30, but woke up around 3. Finished the paperwork for our FSA submission. Got these showcase pics scanned in. Worked on charitable donations for our taxes. Go, crazy sleeper! I hope I get a nap in, later!!!
I am obsessed with rhinestoning most of my possessions.
I want to go with the tan bikini with rhinestone net covering for my next costume. Unless I am PG. Or unless I am very PG, and it will be more ok with me that my thighs look bigger. Just kidding, sort of. I love my functional body. OK, love is a strong word. I AM very grateful for the body I have. It works great, and most of the time, I do like how it looks. I appreciate it. And, noone is perfect. But, everyone is perfect in their imperfections!
For the new year, I don't have a new resolution, per se. I resolve to continue to be vigilant about living one day at a time and sometimes 5 minutes at a time. Each nanosecond is a gift and an opportunity. I forget that most of the time. Hank helps.
I should resolve to listen to my thoughts less. For example, when my brain tells me not to leave the house, after the other part of my brain already decided we were, I should ignore the not leaving part. I resolve to be mindful about that and consider trying it. Or, maybe I should put a little less pressure on myself for out-of-the-house activities. For example, instead of adamantly making a declaration that I will go to deja vu, I should say to myself, "self, you have always enjoyed deja vu, consider attending this Sunday." Then, I will say, "thank you for the suggestion. I will consider it." Just kidding. Sort of.
2010 sounds like the future. I hope your future is awesome!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
so grateful
Back to "normal" with everything. Showcase is over. It went awesomely. I was surprised how well it went. I am ready for another dance project. My friend and I are back to fine. I wonder about my sanity and my motives. It's a dance. I think I might be an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. (Just kidding, I know I am).
Got a sweet card and presents from DID and DIT. Took some bachata, country waltz, two-step, and triple two lessons, yesterday. I hope I get to a lot of classes starting in January. DIT approved me for level 2 on the country classes.
Going to Dallas today for a few days after working for 5 whole hours this morning. Good thing I woke up so ridiculously early before the alarm.
Enjoying renting Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes from Netflix.
Enjoying a new awareness about reality with others. (It seems when other people are doing or are stuck in what I want to avoid, I am able to see it, and without judgement, see the solution). Maybe, someday, I will be able to do this for myself.
Grateful for 5 minutes at a time. And one day at a time.
Got a sweet card and presents from DID and DIT. Took some bachata, country waltz, two-step, and triple two lessons, yesterday. I hope I get to a lot of classes starting in January. DIT approved me for level 2 on the country classes.
Going to Dallas today for a few days after working for 5 whole hours this morning. Good thing I woke up so ridiculously early before the alarm.
Enjoying renting Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes from Netflix.
Enjoying a new awareness about reality with others. (It seems when other people are doing or are stuck in what I want to avoid, I am able to see it, and without judgement, see the solution). Maybe, someday, I will be able to do this for myself.
Grateful for 5 minutes at a time. And one day at a time.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
guilty pleasures
Something that entertains me, even in the darkest hours, is to read English written with poor grammar, or by someone for whom English is a second language. It crack me up when nothing else will. I ordered some books from amazon.fr. I hope a French person will enjoy my musings.
J'ai acheté deux livres en français a amazon.fr. [I don't have the accents for all the letters. That probably won't be very funny]. Je n'ai jamais lit aucun de livres de Jackie Collins, mais, je pense que le genre de ces livres est comme ça. Je n'aime pas les livres de romance en Anglais, mais, je veux parler français, encore, donc j'ai pensé que lire d'etre une bonne ideé.
J'ai acheté deux livres en français a amazon.fr. [I don't have the accents for all the letters. That probably won't be very funny]. Je n'ai jamais lit aucun de livres de Jackie Collins, mais, je pense que le genre de ces livres est comme ça. Je n'aime pas les livres de romance en Anglais, mais, je veux parler français, encore, donc j'ai pensé que lire d'etre une bonne ideé.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
dress rehearsal vids
Thanks to Claus for videoing for me.
Had a tough day, yesterday.
I'll have to put the Lindy one on YouTube. It's big and long.
I did better with the smiling, and I didn't say sorry when I messed up. But, my arms were super goofy, and I almost fell over at the very beginning. My little pivot turn was TOO zealous. DIT was SO sweet. He is awesome!
Had a tough day, yesterday.
I'll have to put the Lindy one on YouTube. It's big and long.
I did better with the smiling, and I didn't say sorry when I messed up. But, my arms were super goofy, and I almost fell over at the very beginning. My little pivot turn was TOO zealous. DIT was SO sweet. He is awesome!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Approaching the Rumba
TOTALLY messed up the spot turn (forgot to let go of Tommy). Need to get my shoulders back. Smile bigger. Hips are getting there, and the feet. And my arms are coming along. Ready for dress rehearsal on Saturday!!! The only thing I feel nervous about is can I "act." Like getting into the drama of the dance to make it entertaining. I hope I can do it. I see what Richard means about making it big. It could be bigger. I need more flexible hips. Working on it.
I'll put a picture of my dress up, soon!
I'll put a picture of my dress up, soon!
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