My bday

H told me he wanted to get me something really special for my bday bc I always get him presents. He was browsing on Amazon and found a wooden poker table setting, some large golden earring shaped like flowers made from eggs, and the game Life ( bc he asked me what games I liked to play).  C said he was going to get me a pink dress. I told B he's responsible for anything they buy so I don't have to wear my pink dress and golden earrings in public. The other night H told me I was better than a calculator while I was helping him to a minecraft math coloring book. He hugged me after we did a line of problems. C had his poetry cafe this week. He didn't stand up or sing any of the songs they sang. H bemoaned his poetry cafe but recited 2 poems and seemed pleased w himself. Today is screen-free Friday which is very traumatic. I think I let them have way too much screen time. Mostly bc I can't think of creative ideas that are more fun than screens. Except on occasion we do a craft. Going to park and bouncy place are about the only things I can think of that trump a screen. And that's not really us doing something together. That's just me watching them play. Except C still doesn't want to go off by himself at bouncy place. I will be really sad the day he does go off by himself. H can find a friend easily when we go to park or bouncy place. C usually wants to play w H or hang w me. Today is Bs last day off before his new job. We had a good morning together then he ate lunch w kids. I'm taking C to vote after school and then to grocery before H and a friend come to our house. I think I've been first in line every day in Cs carpool line all year. I get here like 20 min early to make sure I'm first. Yesterday I sat w C in his line in the gym before school. Next year I don't think waiting outside his classroom is going to fly. But also I don't think his teacher will want to deal w him being teary if he doesn't want to line up. I'm trying to prep him for next year. He told me the other day he liked his old school. I feel a little bad taking him out of there bc we liked it, but I wanted to make sure he got in DL. He wants to learn other languages really badly. H not at all. I wish I were fluent in another language. I've lost a lot of French, and trying to learn Spanish it gets mixed up in my mind. 

Going to really try to go dancing on Sunday. It's been months. Last time I tried to go I was too afraid. I'm going to make myself go anyway bc I really don't believe I've forgotten the other dances. The best thing about waltz is we're not supposed to be staring at each other the whole time. It's a closer hold than I would expect and I wonder how anyone did it in giant dresses. 

2/13/16 at the park

H brought all of his minecraft weapons to share w anyone who will play w him. He and C have found a set of brothers 7&5. It impresses me how generous H is w his toys. He wanted to buy a $65 Halo structure today at Target and I talked him out of it only by telling him he'd have to get rid of some baby toys because we literally have no space for it. Last time I tried to get rid of some old plastic pieces and lame toys from Chuckie Cheese, he cried and said I was trying to take away his memories. I'm the same way to a degree, but I frequently bite the bullet and donate stuff I don't use. I don't really do it with him noticing bc he would try to convince me to keep it. We had a baby toy that they used to lie underneath and eventually hold on to stand up. When I tried to give that away about 6 months ago they both said they loved that thing and played w it all the time. I managed to sneak it out of the house without them noticing. C got a new airplane that's similar to playmobile toys. When he got it I got rid of the hand me down plane with missing pieces that didn't stay together. The other day C said he wanted to use his new plane as a police plane and the old one just regular. Fortunately he hasn't actually asked to play w the old one yet. I wonder what will happen when I tell him I gave it to a kid w no toys. H still cries every time he remembers the giant Bevo that he never played w that I gave to the Blue Santa parade. I even replaced the Bevo, but the new one isn't wearing a jersey like the old one was. Not good enough. I'm surprised he doesn't notice I don't keep all his artwork. I take a picture of it and recycle it 90% of the time. Some I hang in the house. Neither one of them will eat anything except carbs. I got C to eat sunflower butter and saltines in the hopes he'll bring it to lunch. He thinks it's peanut butter and his buddy eats that. 

H's bday

H's bday party was at Pump It Up. We had one bloody nose and one loosened tooth. Other than that it went pretty well. He was disappointed the guy he most wanted to spend time with was in a bouncy area he didn't want to go in. C brought a friend and finally tried some of the slides etc. H is obsessed w playing Halo 5. It's hard to compete. 

H check up

H is 51" tall. 45 lbs. 50-60%ile on height. Below weight chart. Still has to try a new food to get his allowance. Unfortunately he got $ for Christmas and bday so the urgency of getting $ is low. Doc said he has to take a flintstones vitamin. Getting his teeth sealed today. Going to bring cupcakes to his classroom bc I can't bring them to lunch. Eating weekly lunch w C today. H is playing his new Halo 5 game. I just heard him say no bien. Exitos!  I think it might be no bueno, but that is progress. He hated ballet folklorico bc it was in Spanish. Said it ruined his bday. C liked it. C liked riding the bus probably more than anything. Nana got him an enormous chocolate cake shaped like an 8. Of which he only ate the icing. I'm letting H skip school until I go up for Cs lunch. 

H's 8th

On Feb 2 at around 9 am we headed to the hospital and at 3 am the next day, H was born. I could never have imagined how much I could love another person. He is such an awesome kid. Sweet, sensitive, smart. I got him a Halo costume, a Jurassic World dilophasaurus lego, a plants versus zombies video game, some money, a pvz book, a tank, and Xbox gold. He opened his presents last night since I was gone this morning. His cake will have a mutant creeper and Blue the velociraptor. His party is Sunday at Pump It Up. C wanted a present for H's bday so I bought him a car he was wanting from CVS. He's really excited Nana is getting him a lawn mower from ToysRUs. 

Today I exercised, had my dance lesson (with my shirt on inside out), and studied the statistics I have forgotten from 9 years ago. It's coming back, but it shocks me that knowledge I had a command of has completely left my brain. I also have a really hard time remembering a dance routine. I think C wants to skip ballet bc he wants to get to Nana's to get his present for H's bday. I'm first in carpool line as usual. He likes for me to be first so I leave the house about 30 minutes before he gets out. Even though we live no more than 10 minutes away. Going to try to enjoy every second of the day. 

12/28/16

H took 100 paper airplanes to market days and sold 48. He wouldn't take all the fortune tellers we made bc he didn't want to write on all of them. I want to keep C home tomorrow w me bc he has a doc appt in morning, and I don't think he'll want to go anyway. I want to put H&C on Don Crowley's swim team this summer if C can swim 25 yds. Right now he can easily swim 10 yds. He's not side breathing yet, but they're working on it. Don asked me to coach, but I don't have anyone to watch them during the hour they aren't swimming. My hair is long, and I've been French braiding it everyday. I'm not nearly as good as A. I hope we get to go to MI this summer if B has enough vaca. We're playing w a samoyed dog one afternoon a week for a client. C is warming up to him, but not entirely. He's a very calm dog esp for a puppy. I really hope I get to go dancing Sun night. It's probably been 3 months since I've gotten to go. I don't think I've had to wear a jacket. C wants desert after every meal. I can barely get H to eat. They weigh about the same. Even though H is over 4 ft tall. Not sure if H will stay in dual lang for 3rd grade. We've heard bad things about 3rd grade teacher, and he's still not developed and interest in Spanish. I can't remember what I've already written and what I haven't. I'm probably repeating myself. Oh well. I have a hard time staying in the moment and not focusing on trying to get them to do something or trying to get them not to do something. And getting them from point A to point B and back again w all our stuff. I remind myself all the time just to take in every second. And soon they won't take forever getting in and out of the car. And someday they'll be waiting for me to get out of the car, and I'll hope they're patient w me. It doesn't matter if we show up late somewhere. It's really hard for me to be ok w that. My favorite thing in the world is to snug w them. 

12/27/16

C said his milk was bad. I said it wasn't bad. He said it's bad ass. Not good ass. H loves playing Minecraft and talking to himself while he plays. H is excited for market days tomorrow where the second grade sells stuff they made to the rest of the school. C is in his third semester of ballet. I really want him to stick with it long enough to like it and to stick with it after someone tells him it's for girls. He likes being around girls, so so far so good. I'm doing WCS and waltz in my lessons. I haven't been able to go to the socials because B has been working. But he is changing jobs so hopefully the new one will not require working on Sun night. H is taking a Minecraft Lego class after school one day a week. They both take swimming twice a week. Charlie just got moved up to level 3. I volunteer in H's classroom once a week to help with writing. There's a wide range of proficiency. H doesn't like the Spanish part of school even though his teacher is very good at presenting it. I don't know if he will continue next year as we have heard bad things about 3rd grade teacher. C is dying to learn Spanish and comes home speaking Spanish syllables pretending he's speaking Spanish. I'm trying to get a grant to study HS students at recovery HS. Other than that I'm still at the J. It's ok because the hours work with the kids. B wants me to work in my field so he can work part time. The thought of not being with the kids when they get out of school makes me sick. I don't think I could physically be away from them for that long. I also think they need me. In a different way than they need him. It's an argument we have. B also says I spend too much money but will not tell me what is the correct amount. 

12/22/16

Got to eat lunch with them today. C giggles and plays with his friends. He's glad I'm there. Today H was hiding in my scarf and puts my arm around him. It's really hard for me not to cry. It's getting a little easier because I go once a week. I get very little done on the day I go because I'm gone 2 hours and get home and have to pick up C 45 minutes later. Totally worth it of course. I'm so blessed and grateful I get to eat with them. Today after school we're going over to a client's house to play with her dog. They are both very excited. I wonder how they'll be with the dog. They've never really been around one. H is making 200 paper airplanes for market days at school which is when 2nd graders sell stuff to the rest of the school to make money for a class trip. We already made a lot of fortune tellers, but he didn't want to have to fill them all out. H got 3rd place in 2nd grade at the science fair. He was very excited, but also very excited his friend got 2nd place. There was talk of H sleeping over at a friend's house, but when it closer, he didn't really want to be gone overnight. They both still sleep in bed with us. They don't want to sleep by themselves, and I'm not sure I want them to either. I figure it will take care of itself. I hope so. 

Jan 20, 2016

H read by himself a Plants Vs Zombies book last night without any prompting. He usually says he hates to read and doesn't want to do it. C told me I looked pretty yesterday and H agreed. I was wearing a white Henley shirt that I think makes me look fat. H is playing Minecraft and Lego Jurassic World on the Xbox he got for Christmas from Nana. H finished his science fair project on permineralization with a little help from C. Every morning C doesn't want to go to school and asks me to eat lunch with him. Every day he tells me had had fun and often talks about playing with his friends. C takes a long time to get in the car. He doesn't want to line up in the gym and wait for his teacher. He wants me to wait with him outside his classroom. C likes a YouTube show called roadkill about fixing junky cars. They both drink a ton of chocolate milk and eat mostly simply carbohydrates. C loves chocolate and H likes mega icing Oreos. C likes to ride in the racecart at the grocery store. 

Oh and me, too

Still dancing and loving it. Did showcase in the. Summer. WCS w DID. I was so nervous I couldn't make myself smile. I worried about it so much, then when it was over, I was sad. Got to visit MI over Xmas. I love Brad's family. Kids loved sledding. I play hello kitty on my phone waiting for the kids. Still trying to lose 10 pounds. Laying off the Oreos and eating one meal of veggies and yogurt. Hope it starts working. Brad hates his job. I am working on some research and looking for a grant to fund it. I volunteer in H's classroom once a week. I did that in first grade also. I like to watch the Vampire Diaries and Suits while I exercise. I run on and off. I'm so slow now it really bums me out so it's sort of a vicious cycle o not doing it. That's all for now. 

Documentation

I haven't been writing stuff down the kids do because I'm busy watching them do it or playing with them. But I want to remember every single second with them. Here's some things that come to mind. When H was 5 he wore his Darth Vader costume to NW park, often on his bike. C still says mom, I love you out of the blue. Last night when I wanted H to stop watching the iPad and read he said he hated me and wished I was dead. H brings nerf guns to NW park now and makes new best friends every time. C talks in Spanish syllables pretending he's speaking Spanish. C still likes to play with vehicles. H even played with garbage trucks and dump trucks recently when C was playing with them. H loves minecraft watching people play on YouTube and playing himself. He went from watching Clone Wars music when he was 6 to dinosaur music. And now watches Halo music. H still likes it when I come to lunch although for the first time the other day, he played a little attention to a friend. C asks me to come to lunch every day. I come once a week. H does not like being in dual language. He loves science and science is in Spanish. He thinks he doesn't understand Spanish so he doesn't pay attention. H still snugs with me at night and wants me to read to him. Even last night after he was so angry at me. He doesn't like to read. C wants to read so badly. C takes ballet. H took a semester at Go Dance last spring but now says he already knows how to dance. They both take swim lessons at Tom's dive shop. C just moved up to level 3. H would watch the iPad or play Xbox all day if left unchecked. C just learned to ride a bike without training wheels about a month ago. H got a new gear bike about the same time. That's all I can think of today. I will remember more and remember to write more more frequently. 

Woke up worrying

Nobody died. World peace is not at stake. So, this should be absolutely no big deal. But, it's on my mind. A lot. I signed up to do a pro-am group performance at the adult recital (Showcase) at Go Dance. I thought I was doing ok. Learning the routine. Getting some of the technique. I have 3-4 more lessons before the performance. We had a group practice on Saturday at the south studio, which I have been to once. I completely forgot a lot of the routine. The phenomenon is called state-dependent learning, but I didn't know it would totally knock me over. I always think of the example, if you study for the test stoned, you should take the test stoned. We're having the performance at a hotel, so, another different location. I'm not sure what to do other than practicing in a different location, which is not going to happen. Of course, I'm afraid I will be the only one who forgets the routine at the performance. And, I didn't mention there are 2 performances. Just woke up around 3:30 worrying. The thing is, this is supposed to be fun. A bit of a challenge, but one that will be fun to tackle. At this point it is not fun. At all. Maybe it will all come together. I hope so, by some miracle, that it will. Trying to do some sport psychology on myself with minor efficacy. Anyhoo, just needed to vent.   I should mention that DID is being totally cool and calm about it which does help a little. But, maybe he should be panicking, too!

1992

Just got home from the Hole in the Wall hearing some old friends play.  The last time I was in there was 2000, playing my final SXSW.  The first time I went there was 1987 when I was 15 with my dad.  This time it was so surreal.  The bar seemed bigger, but it smelled the same - still like cigarettes & beer, although I don't know how many years it's been non-smoking.  It was such a relief to be there as 43 year-old me.  Not wondering with whom or how I would get home.  I don't miss that life in any way.  So lonesome and so desperate.  Ugh.  Psychiatric medication helps, but I think 20+ years of living on earth and of being sober have made me so much calmer.  I didn't realize how much peace I walk around in now until going there tonight.  What a miracle.  Even as dorky and neurotic as I am today, compared to 20 year-old me I'm close to Nirvana, now.  I'm so grateful many of my 20 year-old wishes for myself didn't come true.
Did you know there's tons of frat people out all over Guadalupe at midnight?  I don't remember that, but I don't remember that much, so maybe it was always that way.  Before I left everyone asleep and snoring, I told Brad I was afraid of finding a place to park and of getting mugged.  Haha.  I paid $7 to park, and I did not come close to getting mugged.  I got a free diet coke, and got home well before closing time.   Not a bad night for staying up past bedtime.

Who we're dressing up for

I'm a personal trainer, so I say I get to wear my pajamas to work. I literally have, but now try to be a little bit personal trainer style. We're wearing leg warmers now and cuter tops. During the day, I like to make myself look presentable. Wear something I consider cute, put on a little makeup. I notice other women really doll themselves up even if they're not at work. We aren't seeing our husbands all day, and theoretically aren't trying to impress another dude. I guess we dress up for each other. Somewhat competitively, but somewhat to say, I care. Isn't it great we care?  After pregnancy and newborn years when all I wore were "homeless man clothes," I wanted to adorn myself, wear makeup, wear some relatively cute clothes. It took me a while to lose my baby weight with the first, and I haven't lost it all with the now 4-year old, but I'm still working on it. Still, I feel compelled to wear something other than pajamas when I leave the house, now. (In the house I'm all about pajamas). 

Just need to let you know

I just watched the movie The Anonymous People movie on instant Netflix. So I need to tell you I'm a person in long-term recovery. I've been sober since December 23, 1995. It's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Even above my family because I know I would never have my family without sobriety and recovery.   There are over 23 million people in the US in long-term recovery. 1/3 adolescents need drug and alcohol treatment and only 1/7 will receive it. Austin is opening it's first recovery high school in August. Uhighschool.com. Check it out. 

Staring at the sun

I've been trying more lately to LOOK like  I'm having fun dancing and looking into the other person's eyes while dancing. I am always actually having fun, but I guess I don't naturally look like it. Hey, I'm concentrating. This is my game face. But I guess people expect that If you're enjoying yourself you'll be smiling. Fair enough. I've been trying to look into DIDs eyes while we're dancing. Seems like a safe place to try it on for size. But that is like staring at the sun. Seems like it might be a good idea, but way too intense. The other day a guy looked right into my eyes and smiled a fairly creepy smile at me the entire dance. I really tried to reciprocate, but something about me was a tell that I was not into it. I remember the first showcase with DID I did, he said look like you're having the time of your life. I was barely able to grin at that point. I don't have to think about smiling when I'm doing lindy. Just comes naturally. Like I said, it's not like I'm not always having at least 75% fun with every dance step. But smiling while looking into the other person's eyes still eludes me. I don't understand how people do it. I can do it while talking. While listening. But not yet while dancing. I don't even want to think about doing some styling while smiling WHILE looking into the other persons eyes. Whoa, that's a mind-blower. 

Dancing: I figured it out

Thanks to my mother's generosity buying me dancing lessons for my bday, I've been dancing, again.  It is such pure joy, and I love it second most in my life.  Second only to my family.  I'm not very good at it, and it doesn't come naturally, but when I can follow a move or move my body in a certain way, it is so blissful.  I think part of it is a spiritual experience.  I'm not thinking about myself.  At least not about any thoughts about myself.  It's partly primal.  My body wants to move to music.  It's partly neurotransmitters.  Dopamine is through the roof, and norepinepherine and epinepherine (so-called "stress" hormones) are also high - the excitement/anxiety coin.  Dancing with DID is particularly enjoyable, which I think is a little bit astrological and some pheromones.  I really wish Brad would try it.  I think it's the only thing I don't like about him.  I think he would really like Lindy Hop.  It's athletic and so much fun!  But, at least I'm glad he doesn't mind if I do it.  And at Go Dance, it's so platonic and not creepy he has nothing to worry about.  I've been to one class this time around and am going to go to the social dance on Sunday at 6:30 pm.  Even if I have a broken leg.  I'm going.  I psych myself out of doing it because I'm afraid everyone will know I have no idea what I'm doing.  Isn't that the dumbest thing?  Something I love but let my brain tell me what to do.  No way!  The feet are doing the talking, now!

No kids

After going to all these bouncy places I have to admit I don't really like kids.  I mean I don't like other people's kids. I like other people's babies. I became a baby person the second HH was born. Before that I didn't dislike babies, I just never noticed them. Some women coo when they see a baby, and I could've cared less. I guess what I really don't like is other parents. Park kids and parents are better than bouncy place kids and parents. But I've had plenty of annoyances with park kids, too. Still, I want another baby. I do really like a few moms, and I know they are my lifeline, but still it seems all we really talk about is our kids. Which is ok. I love my kids so much, I like talking about them. Still it would be nice to talk about anything else, too. Some moms, like our kids will hit it off, then we never see them again. That's sad. But I feel weird asking every mom for her phone number. Like a lurker in a bar. All that really matters is the kids are having fun. And if they're happy I'm happy too.  And if it's ok with them to say farewell to a 2-hour-long friend, it's ok with me.

Nic Sheff

I've come out of retirement to write about my new favorite author, Nic Sheff.  I'm totally in love, though we've never met, of course.  And he is married to a BEAUTIFUL woman.  And, well, I'm married, too.  His books Tweak and We All Fall Down are captivating, and kind of erotic.  (I must be a little sick, still).  I read his dad's book Beautiful Boy, and appreciated it.  It was heart-wrenching though.  I can't imagine how hard it would be to practice al anon principles on your own kid.  I was making notes about what to do and what not to do to get your kid not to become alcoholic.  Of course, there's the gene piece.  Me, and a few of my relatives, and a few of Brad's relatives have it.  But, this new sober high school  is supposed to address these problems before they become fatal.  Nic's story makes mine look like girl scout trips.  But, of course, it only matters to me how hopeless I think I was, so it was enough.  I was trying to get his address so I could send him some been-bags, but he hasn't responded.  Anyhoo, that's what I've been thinking about.  BTW these are the first books I have read since Ch was born!

Hello from long ago

Haven't written in quite a while. I'm doing well. Still looking for more work. Still in love with my kids. Obsessed with John Legend. And Ian Somerhalder. Hope you are well.