the grouch and the brainstorm

Had a long talk with my friend. Still defensive. I want to crawl in a hole. Says he can't be himself or just be around me. It is not I who prevents this. I do need to be mindful of individuals and their wants and needs. I still feel hurt by him. I guess the individual need I cannot accept is that someone is not ok with me or with my behavior. I don't like that. I expect my behavior to be perfect, and I expect that my behavior be perceived as perfect. Neither is possible. I guess, in my family, you are either angry with the person, you don't talk with the person, and the person is bad, or the opposite is true. For adults, a person can be angry with someone and still love them as a person. A person can be happy with a person and still not like something the other person does. There is grey. It is so hard for me to make sense of the grey. I have to get rid of my grouch as soon as I see her emerge. Some people operate from the grouch on a daily basis. It is not for me to say this is desirable or undesirable for them.
I admitted to my friend that I want to and plan to withdraw from our friendship. If my friend wants to be my friend, he will have to step over the halfway point for a while to prove to me that it is safe. I feel sad and wary that it would be ok to be my Self. I think I am an open book, but I guess either he cannot read the language, or I am not as open as I think I am. When people show you who they are, believe them. I don't believe in holding grudges or not letting people change. But, I also don't believe in throwing myself into the shark tank when the sharks sometimes look like sharks and sometimes dolphins. To me, it would make sense to have a conflict, resolve it, and become closer. It seems like the opposite is true for him. To me, it is getting to know the person better, and conflict is often a quick way to get to know someone. I guess we may both feel it like a slap in the face. That feels gross. I don't understand how a person could ignore someone's upsetness to get through a class. That may just be a male/female thing. To me, it would be much more important to clear up a misunderstanding than to participate in a class. I guess if that is a fundamental difference we cannot resolve, that is the answer and the resolution.
I know this is cryptic, but I am just trying to make sense of what happened and what we are like now without breaking anyone's anonymity. I will pray for God's will and know the answer will come if my own house is in order. I feel like I have cleaned my side of the street, and my House is in pretty darn good order at the moment. It also occurred to me today that hard things that happen are reminders to seek God. If everything and every relationship were easy, we'd all be atheists.

guilty pleasures

Something that entertains me, even in the darkest hours, is to read English written with poor grammar, or by someone for whom English is a second language. It crack me up when nothing else will. I ordered some books from amazon.fr. I hope a French person will enjoy my musings.
J'ai acheté deux livres en français a amazon.fr. [I don't have the accents for all the letters. That probably won't be very funny]. Je n'ai jamais lit aucun de livres de Jackie Collins, mais, je pense que le genre de ces livres est comme ça. Je n'aime pas les livres de romance en Anglais, mais, je veux parler français, encore, donc j'ai pensé que lire d'etre une bonne ideé.

I know what NOT to do

After being aloofly contacted by my short, lost friend, I have impulses to: a) be sarcastic b) be hurtful c) be authentic about my feelings, d) do nothing. D only D only D only! C is walking into a burning building. A & B are not how I want to act as a Human, nor how I want to be treated.
It is so hard to detach with love. It is easy to detach with contempt. It's pretty easy to detach with indifference. It is hard to detach and hold the person in esteem, up to God, for God to take care of. What if the person doesn't ask God for help? Will God get there in time? What if the person still misunderstands my Intentions to be Helpful in whatever way they choose, not my agenda? I know that in order to change, there must be pain. Pain is a Gift. To deny someone pain is to deny them an opportunity to reach out and find Something they are looking for in the Universe. Thank God Chris Howell let me be alone on Dec 22, 1995. It was the saddest and best thing that could have happened. OK, seems even clearer. Do NOTHING. Wow, that is hard. OK, here goes nothing. I couldn't resist.

own medicine

I was driving home from taking Hank to school, thinking about missing my friend. I was thinking he needed to let it go, and accept things as they are. The grouch and the brainstorm are not for us. And, brilliantly, it occurred to me I needed to do the same thing. People are neither good nor bad. They just are. More has been revealed. More will be revealed. Being in any relationship with anyone from marriage to postal carrier is placing oneself in a position to be hurt. I decide to whom I reveal my innermost self, and I do that knowing it may be slightly painful. I am so happy Brad is done with the semester because maybe he and I can talk more intimately, again. (We've been managing to fit in the other kind of intimacy: ) ).
I was so looking forward to this showcase being a fun experience because I would have someone to talk with before the show during all the waiting around. It can still be that way, just not with the person with whom I am dancing. DIT is super supportive. He was super supportive last time, and I wasn't even his student, yet! Plus, dance instructor Susi isn't dancing, so she will be more around. And, I can remember earlier into the day, what can I give, not what can I get. Good ideas.

Missing

Missing my friend and dance partner. Sad. He is having a hard time. I know it is another situation in which the hardware store has no bread. And the hardware store is throwing nails and hammers just to keep you from going inside to look around. Reminded of that again and again and again with DID and DPB. Went to deja vu last night. Sad that DID didn't ever "borrow me" during the salsa lesson. And of course, I didn't get anywhere near him to social dance with him. I felt the most sassy and competent I had ever felt dancing salsa. It was neat. I wanted to dance with DPB, though, and he is very upset and staying away. It is very un-girl-like to leave someone alone who is upset. I am going to try. When I am sad or lonesome, I try like hell to isolate. It is not adaptive, but the alternative is someone comes over and hugs me or something. Ew.

dress rehearsal vids

Thanks to Claus for videoing for me.
Had a tough day, yesterday.
I'll have to put the Lindy one on YouTube. It's big and long.
I did better with the smiling, and I didn't say sorry when I messed up. But, my arms were super goofy, and I almost fell over at the very beginning. My little pivot turn was TOO zealous. DIT was SO sweet. He is awesome!

Approaching the Rumba

TOTALLY messed up the spot turn (forgot to let go of Tommy). Need to get my shoulders back. Smile bigger. Hips are getting there, and the feet. And my arms are coming along. Ready for dress rehearsal on Saturday!!! The only thing I feel nervous about is can I "act." Like getting into the drama of the dance to make it entertaining. I hope I can do it. I see what Richard means about making it big. It could be bigger. I need more flexible hips. Working on it.
I'll put a picture of my dress up, soon!