Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Yesterday H said he wished I could be w him all day at school. C cried when I walked him to his room from lunch and didn't want to let me go. I took them both home at Hs lunch bc he said he wasn't feeling well bc he threw up the day before. I was pretty sure he was fine but wanted to spend the afternoon w them. I freak out about the day H doesn't want me to have lunch w him. Maybe that day will not come. Maybe?
Friday, March 04, 2016
Today is screen free Friday. It could also be called children's torture day they protect so much. I know that means they have way too much screen time. I like watching screens w them I guess bc that's how my parents and I spent time together. We didn't do much else together. Once I got old enough I went to park by myself or played w friends by myself. We didn't do family activities. I have a hard time thinking of creative ideas to do w them so we are just being together enjoying each other's company. I catch myself thinking if we can just get through this rather than enjoying being in it. I get really mad at myself about that. I also want to love them and be loving even when they are not doing what I want or doing something I don't want. I want to let them be upset then be able to move on. Whatever we're doing w them regarding that is not working very well. I try to mirror them and let them yell and be upset. This seems like the right direction, but it seems to take a long time for them to calm down. Maybe it's just the right amount of time. I don't know. I don't remember getting upset about things like they do. I was super sensitive like Hank and cried pretty easily, but I don't remember freaking out like they do. I wonder if they have a hard time calming down bc B and I never get very worked up about anything. So they don't have an example to follow. I just want them to be able to process negative emotions so they don't turn to external substances whatever they may be to fix it. I need to not try to control everything.
Wednesday, March 02, 2016
Kids gave me 4 cases of topi Chico, 5 plants, and H gave me $18. He said anything he could do to help w the budget. He had heard B and I arguing about how much he works and my saying something about working on the budget. I'm guessing that's where that came from. Ate lunch w mom and dad and dinner w B. I was pleasantly shocked. Can't believe I'm 44. Seems old, but I feel pretty young. Except for being tired a lot. I suggested to B I go to work full time when H graduates HS and he can retire. He said he doesn't want to do what he's doing for that much longer. I don't know what we're going to do bc I can't handle not being w them when they get out of school. I don't want to work full-time to pay someone else to take care of them. I also don't want B to work more than 40 hours a week. He thinks that's impossible in his current profession. I hope this new job is different. I'm thinking of quitting PT so I can focus on work w the high school and trying to find part-time work in my field. That does make sense. I hadn't thought about PT not being a good job bc I can work while they're at school. But it is pretty much a dead end. And I spend a lot of time traveling back and forth to and from work. I'm hoping things will get better. I'm not sure they will even if I do get a job in my field. I'm going to try.