Monday, May 21, 2018

stink a link May 2008

I would just like to state, for the record, to all who google or use some form of search engine that doesn't sell data that sends people in China to prison for no reason, that my experience with the Office of Sponsored Projects at the University of Texas at Austin in May-October of 2006 was extremely unpleasant.
I have been a student at UT for 9 years total. I was a student before we had the internets. (How did anyone ever write a paper before personal computers, by the way?) And in all the bureaucracy, struggling to find someone to help answer a difficult question, I had never found such absolute unhelpfulness combined with power to halt my pursuit of academic progress as I found at the OSP. I have learned from this experience, that no one cares about your academic research, and no one cares about getting you funding. You, yourself must care, but it is no one else's job to care or help you figure it out.
And, ultimately, your research will exist in a vacuum of millions of journal articles that might, at their apex, be cited in another journal article. This is truly the existential reality.
However, there are many offices, departments, and people at UT that are genuinely helpful and interested in the progress of those who pass through. The office of Kinesiology and Health Education is filled with cheerful, helpful staff and professors. Health Ed has the monopoly on nurturing, but there are some nice folks in kines.
Anyway, I'm done.

Having a person May 2008

I rode my bike inside this morning and read about half of the Supernanny's book. While I was reading, it occured to me that we are not having a baby, we are having a person. We made a person who is going to be living with us for at least the next 18 years. And I had thought that we should quickly try to make another one to give him a friend, but at this point, I think he's just going to be lonesome. Not really, but geez, I am starting to freak out, again.

The main thing Supernanny stresses is stay calm during your consistent presentation of the world and its limits. I think this will be very challenging. It is hard to remember, even with adults, that they are not doing it to me, they are just doing it. I also think my new year's resolution of staying in the present is not going to be challenging, because babies need your immediate and present attention. There is no ADD jumping from task to task as usual.

I put together the swing and playpen/bassinet. I had to call the swing tech support 2x. Both women I got on the phone acted like I was really stupid. While I felt stupid, the instruction manual was not very instructional, so I had to call for help. The playpen thing was much easier.
The last thing to install is the car seat. I am glad it looks assembled, though I know putting in the car will be much harder than one would think.

I am really looking forward to this being my last week of swimteam for a while. I hope I become delighted, again, after my hormones calm down. I haven't been delighted by them in a LONG time. I do remember being delighted quite a bit by my Canyon Creek kids. In fact, it was there I entertained the idea of having one of our own. I assume the genetic thing will make it easy to be delighted by Hank. It has always seemed very narcissistic to me to breed. But, the physiological and physical similarities between you and your mate must make it easy to love the kid. If the kid looked nothing like either of you, it would take a lot of magnaninmous generosity to be as delighted by him as you would be someone who looks like you. TZ could do it.

I filled out a lot of Hank's baby book. I am sure he will not be interested in it at any point, but I will be, and his wife (or husband) might be.

cool morning in Dallas June 2008

It was in the upper 60's this morning before I woke up.
I think Hank woke up before I did because I woke up to his pulling my hair, and I think he had been talking to me before that. It was 8 am!!! Extremely late for me.

I think warantless wiretapping should be called unwarranted wiretapping.

blah June 2009

stayed up late to go dance at my place, and there weren't too many folks there. the dances I got to do were all fun, though. hoping to hang with Brad when I got home, but he and HH were asleep. : ( were going to try to have some alone time tomorrow, but it appears our schedules will not cross, and his truck is broken, again, after getting fixed on Friday. boo. hoping to get a Honda Fit for our "clunker" 1992 Lexus ES 300. have to go to Tx DOT to get a copy of our registration receipt.

Calmer

It's funny w B out of town, I feel a lot calmer by myself and with the kids.  I'm sure it's 90% me projecting or receiving real or imagined anxiety from him.  I just noticed that both nights and this morning, the times that it can feel chaotic, I was completely calm and so were the kids.  I try to not read people's minds, but I also know that both his family and my family did the silent treatment as a staple of the expression of disapproval.  I still do the silent treatment to him sometimes before I realize I'm doing it, or just because I don't feel brave enough to be open about how I feel or what I think or who I am.  I think I don't have a right to complain or have a dislike since I don't have a job that makes money.  Even when I did have a job that made money, I felt like I didn't make enough money to be able to say I dislike something.
I experience B as irritated when sometimes he is, sometimes he's tired, or sometimes, nothing.  Sometimes I ask, and I guess sometimes I don't like the answer because it results in a tirade about exactly how irritated he is and has been for so long.  Sometimes I ask, and he says he's tired or doesn't feel well.  I guess that's a request I rarely make - to be told when someone is unhappy so I can hear why, so I can either decide to change my behavior or realize no change in my behavior will change their unhappiness.  I know I'm not responsible for other people's feelings, but I sure like to go there.  If I were___, X would be happy.  Or if X were ____, I would be happy.  T'aint true.
At the same time, if it would make you happy if I left the porch light on for you when you come home in the dark, (which I already do, but I'm just trying to think of an example) I'd be very happy to leave it on for you.  If it made you happy that I made brownies on your birthday, I would definitely be happy to make you brownies.
I realized I was doing things thinking it would make B happy, like cleaning the house, doing the laundry, yard, taxes, taking care of kids, and by approaching them in that way, it made me unhappy.  Because he doesn't ever seem to notice I do all these things.  But when I look at it like, it makes me happy to take care of the kids, the house, the whatever because I like those things to be done, then I feel happier doing them.  Not waiting around for him to notice that I mopped the floor.  He doesn't ever notice, but I notice.  (It bugs me how quickly it gets redirty, but that's a whole nother can of worms, I guess).  If the floor were dirty for a long time, he would likely get around to mopping it himself at some point, which confuses me.  It seems like he would be glad he didn't have to mop the floor, because who really likes mopping the floor?
My point is that I will be mindful to stay calm and not worry about what B thinks about what I am doing unless he tells me explicitly that he doesn't like it.  I'm just going to do the next right thing in a calm manner.  Things will get done or not get done, and either way, that's ok.



Thursday, April 05, 2018

Bilingual C

C and I were reading a book about famous “rebel women” bc he told me last month was women’s history month. He said he wanted to read about Sonia Sotomayor. I said her name w an American accent. He corrected me and said, no it’s in Spanish, and pronounced it perfectly. 
H just told me I’m the coolest mom in the world. 👩‍👦👩‍👦👩‍👦💜💜💜

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Learned optimism

B and I were talking about teaching the kids to have confidence that there's nothing they can't do. He said he thinks I do that for them, but not for myself. I think it's that if I don't have self-efficacy for something, then I have little self-confidence that I might be able to do it if I tried. I have done many things I never thought I could do. But I guess at some point I decided I might be able to do it if I worked hard at it. Marathon, ironman, graduate school, childbirth, dancing. Those are the main ones. Today and yesterday I caulked the bathroom. I didn't think I could do that, but I read the directions, and it looks pretty good. The weird thing was I asked B if I should paint the exercise room and he just kind of looked at me then said you'd have to move everything. Then that was the end of the conversation. I'm not good at painting per se, but I think I could do an ok job if I were very diligent. I want the kids to believe they can do anything they really want to do. At the same time I want them to know if they try something and fail, it's ok to go in a different direction, or try again.