Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Yesterday H said he wished I could be w him all day at school. C cried when I walked him to his room from lunch and didn't want to let me go. I took them both home at Hs lunch bc he said he wasn't feeling well bc he threw up the day before. I was pretty sure he was fine but wanted to spend the afternoon w them. I freak out about the day H doesn't want me to have lunch w him. Maybe that day will not come. Maybe?

Friday, March 04, 2016

Screen free day

Today is screen free Friday. It could also be called children's torture day they protect so much. I know that means they have way too much screen time. I like watching screens w them I guess bc that's how my parents and I spent time together. We didn't do much else together. Once I got old enough I went to park by myself or played w friends by myself. We didn't do family activities. I have a hard time thinking of creative ideas to do w them so we are just being together enjoying each other's company. I catch myself thinking if we can just get through this rather than enjoying being in it. I get really mad at myself about that. I also want to love them and be loving even when they are not doing what I want or doing something I don't want. I want to let them be upset then be able to move on. Whatever we're doing w them regarding that is not working very well. I try to mirror them and let them yell and be upset. This seems like the right direction, but it seems to take a long time for them to calm down. Maybe it's just the right amount of time. I don't know. I don't remember getting upset about things like they do. I was super sensitive like Hank and cried pretty easily, but I don't remember freaking out like they do. I wonder if they have a hard time calming down bc B and I never get very worked up about anything. So they don't have an example to follow. I just want them to be able to process negative emotions so they don't turn to external substances whatever they may be to fix it. I need to not try to control everything. 

Wednesday, March 02, 2016


Kids gave me 4 cases of topi Chico, 5 plants, and H gave me $18. He said anything he could do to help w the budget. He had heard B and I arguing about how much he works and my saying something about working on the budget. I'm guessing that's where that came from. Ate lunch w mom and dad and dinner w B. I was pleasantly shocked. Can't believe I'm 44. Seems old, but I feel pretty young. Except for being tired a lot. I suggested to B I go to work full time when H graduates HS and he can retire. He said he doesn't want to do what he's doing for that much longer. I don't know what we're going to do bc I can't handle not being w them when they get out of school. I don't want to work full-time to pay someone else to take care of them. I also don't want B to work more than 40 hours a week. He thinks that's impossible in his current profession. I hope this new job is different. I'm thinking of quitting PT so I can focus on work w the high school and trying to find part-time work in my field. That does make sense. I hadn't thought about PT not being a good job bc I can work while they're at school. But it is pretty much a dead end. And I spend a lot of time traveling back and forth to and from work. I'm hoping things will get better. I'm not sure they will even if I do get a job in my field. I'm going to try.