Sunday, December 23, 2007

- 4˙ F

I was going to walk over to the gym this morning to see my favorite hippie Taoseños, (I guess that is redundant) but it's -4˙F, and I don't feel like it.

I have swum everyday since Monday. That is good enough for a pregnant lady. I imagine we will stop around Amarillo today, and our favorite motel in Amarillo has a workout room.
On Tuesday at the Genoveva Chavez Community Center pool, it was set up as long course - 50 m. I was reminiscing about one of the first times, if not the first, that I swam over 3000 m in the UT pool when it was set up long course. It was with BM. The thing I remember was we did a set of descending 300's, which I thought sounded impossible and too hard. But, we did it. That was neat.

Yesterday, I didn't feel as perky in the pool, but I had swum 4000 yds the day before, etc, and it was the middle of the day. I do so much better when I exercise first thing in the morning. I hope Hank lets me do that.

He moves around a lot especially when I am still - sitting for a while or lying down to sleep! I asked Brad and my mom if that meant he was going to move around all the time when he moves out. They didn't know.

I have had such a relaxing time this week. I think my mom has, too. The only time I really can relax is in a motel. There is nothing to clean; I am not reminded of my to do list (even though I did get a few things on it done, here). I didn't send out Christmas cards. Merry Christmas, everyone! I LOVE being in a motel, watching their cable, exercising, rambling on the internets, eating every once in a while, getting out only to do something fun. I cannot ever reach this level of relaxation at home. Yes, I take naps, yes, I fart around, but I have a lingering guilt that spoils it. I guess I really need to work on that for 2008. Being present and just enjoying the moment. That is what I am able to do on vacation.

I was worried about missing Brad too much because it seems like the oxytocin is going nuts making me want to be with him every second of the day, but I didn't. Just kidding. It was like ripping off a bandaid - a big bandaid over a hairy arm or something. It was painful to separate, but I haven't been crying over missing him the whole time we've been gone. I am enjoying Lana's company. It also helped we had a gorgeous view of Wheeler Peak outside our window - we didn't always have to get out in the -4˙ to enjoy the mountains.

It looks like the ice on the roads will melt today, and we will have fairly smooth sailing. Last year a lot of folks got stuck in the panhandle - in their cars or in a motel in Lubbock. Now, I don't know if I could relax quite as much in a flea bag motel in Lubbock. There is a nice Comfort Inn Heather and James and I stayed in once, however.

My mom keeps talking about bringing 10 month old Hank here next year. I am not so sure about that one.
I wonder if Brad and I can take Hank on our 14ers quest over the next few years. Weighing Brad down with 30-50 pounds of Baby Bjorn would certainly make it easier to keep up with him. Maybe not, though, he adapts quickly to training stimuli.

I hope you all have relaxing holidays. I am going to enjoy the spirit of my family members and try to bring joy while not trying to control the outcome.
Those are good resolutions - be present, bring joy, and let go of the outcome. What an order!

Hey, today I am 12! DUHHHH!!!!!! December 23, 1995. Hello! Thank God and the Universe for my sanity and continuous sobriety. Life certainly is so much better and so much different than I ever could have dreamed. I never thought I would go to graduate school (much less graduate), be a recreational athlete, marry the best husband in the world, and have a son. I couldn't imagine life without alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and debauchery. I was always seeking an always elusive fun. I can honestly say it was so rarely fun, even though I told myself I was out to have fun. Yes, I may have laughed with friends, but it was with a panic of never being present. Wow. I couldn't have planned this. I was headed for an early sex, drugs, and rock n roll end. I can't even articulate how grateful I am. Someday, I will revisit rock n roll for good and not to an end. I hope Hank doesn't say "aw, Mom" until he's at least 12 or so when I break out the Bob Dylan and Replacements covers.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

snow delay

Staying one more night in Taos due to the snow we got yesterday. About 6". It's pretty spectacular. We are having a very relaxing time. I have swum everyday, and I finally don't feel like a slug in the water. Even at 8000 feet.
I have made friends at the pool, too: A urologist who works at the hospital whose best marathon time was Boston in 2:32. And a mom who swam all the way through her pregnancy.

Last night we had an AWESOME dinner at Lambert's. We split a salad and an entreé. It was unbelievably awesome.

I wish I could ski today because it would be awesome up there, but probably not a good idea. Plus, Taos just caved and after years of fighting and finally allowed snow-boarders. Boo! Taos is not good for snow-boarders. If they are going to allow them, they need to make them a special area to keep them away from the skiers.

Feeling a lot better, physically. I have only taken 2 naps the whole time we've been here. Just still eating tums like candy and my fiber pills.

Monday, December 10, 2007

nothing new

As requested, I will try to get a pic of BH at 31 weeks. I will get him to take one of me, too. It's hard to put on shoes, now. It just feels like you can't breath very well. And, I get to enjoy food I ate hours ago again and again.

We went to Coach Steve's last night to watch the Patriots with the Natl team. We had a nice time. I ate a concoction of Steve's that was very good, and I can no longer chastise him for killing the bird of peace - a chunk of dove meat, a slice of jalapeño, a dab of cream cheese, all wrapped in a small piece of bacon. He made them and grilled them outside. It was pretty awesome. However, I did experience the retasting phenomenon for several hours later. It was worth it.
We didn't watch the game - partly because the TV area was full of swimmers and partly because we were talking with Steve and his wife about the Bradley childbirth method. I did not know that only 1% of mothers today opt for natural childbirth. Well, I guess more opt for it, but opt out once it starts happening. Coleen said she has a high pain threshold, and she said it was worth it - FOUR times. I have a very low pain threshold. She did tempt me more, however, with what follows birth - the baby and you are totally alert, and you feel awesome. I imagine it's even better than a successful marathon high. Those are better than any drug you can buy, so maybe that's why they decided on 3 more kids. I need to stop harassing Brad about reading the book. Yes, it's called husband-coached childbirth, but I think he feels overwhelmed by other things.

BH redid the windows in Hank's room with new trim and touched up all the paint on the walls. It looks very good. I am ready to put everything back in its place now, however. He told me to close the door and pretend it was. I didn't tell him that that was an unhelpful "male" response. I didn't want an alternate solution, I just wanted to be heard - a "female" desire. (I had volunteered to put everything back, myself, I just needed to know the one area he still wanted to paint because I didn't see it.)
I ramble.

This week I plan to get at least some of the things on my Getting Things Done list done. Last week was not very productive, but it was also not dark at all. I started letting Rockit sleep with us after Brad vetoed the dog. He has been a tempting nap companion. Good thing he sleeps over 18 hours a day. Just like me. Not quite.

Sunday LM and I leave for NM for a week. I bought support hose for the car ride. Geez, those things are hard to put on especially when you can't bend at the waist. However, they are VERY sexy.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Sunday, December 02, 2007

have to go home

Our stay at Chateau Vue Incroyable/Chienne Mignone ends today. I love staying in hotels and in other people's houses. It is the only time I ever feel completely relaxed. I spent way too long searching for Paperanians to adopt yesterday. As much as I believe in adoption, (of dogs and kids. Hey, we'll get there) Chewy is so close to the perfect dog, I would consider a puppy from a breeder. Now, you know what to get me for Christmas!!!
I did get some work done on my paper this week. (I am supposed to be done by last Friday, but classes don't end until next Friday, so that will be OK.) The Best Times Meet went well. Some best times and great swimming. And, it was over EARLY. Awesome.
I am really glad we only have one more week of school. This semester was harder than when I was taking classes. I had good batches of kids for the most part, I just had a really hard time showing up. Not normal for me. This too shall pass.
Bummed OK beat MO. Now, I don't care about any of the teams in the running for big bowls.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

note to self

If you wake a paperanian (pomeranian/papillon) up at 5 am for 4 days in a row, she will want to get up at 5 am on the 5th day, also. She is unbelievably cute. And, Brad loves her, so I think the probability of Hodgkinson dog is now 1%.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Still good = very cool

I like Robert Earl Keen, but I don't like the song that goes "feels so good feeling good, again." BUT, it does! I have felt like myself + nap times since TG. I also feel pleased and satisfied with the current organization of the house. We moved my desk out of Hank's room, Brad painted the china cabinet, Lana made really cute curtains, and except for the mattress, the room is ready for a baby!!!
I think I can go to work - all the jobs - everyday this week. I will start with today, but I am optimistic.
I even made progress on my part of the manuscript I am working on. Whoa.
I get to dog sit for a REALLY cute dog this week. I will try to take a pic.
Bad bowl news for TX, but the women's soccer won their national championships, and volleyball is seeded #1 in their NCAA championship games.

Friday, November 23, 2007

VERY GRATEFUL

Had a great Thanksgiving, yesterday. Felt the best I have felt physically and mentally in about 7 months. Brad was very sweet, too. My parents are here, and we are enjoying each others' company. We ate at Luby's around noon. It was very crowded. We got it to go because Brad was afraid we would be sitting ducks for mass murder.
I backed up my computer and reinstalled everything onto my laptop. We moved the kitchen thing that was Brad Mom's that I use as my desk into the kitchen. It looks really good in here. And, the kitchen is where Brad does stuff on his computer all the time, so that is kind of neat. He spent a few hours sanding and painting the china cabinet to go in Hank's room. I get all misty when I think of how lucky Hank is to have Brad as a dad.
The china cabinet looks beautiful painted white with the insides still wood. I will have to take a picture and put it up.
Today, I am about to ride my bike inside, then I have clients at the J just from 8-9, then Brad and I are going to lift weights, then my parents and I are going to eat and possibly walk. Then THE GAME. I don't know what my dad will do during the game. He says he doesn't like football. It will be us women folk teaching Hank (probably erroneously) about football. That's ok. I had a bunch of half-worked NYT crosswords yesterday that my dad and I traded working on. Some were very mean. There was one where several of the clues were numerals, like 90 or 3 or 7. Then the summary clue was "what is held in 90, 3, 7." The answer to the summary was "the shift key," and the numbers were punctuations on a typewriter!!! Very mean.
Speaking of typewriters, Brad likes to watch Kid Nation, and there is nothing else on during that time, so I often end up watching it. Their challenge this week, including some pie ambulation, was to put in chronological order by date of invention these communication devices: tv, radio, phonograph, telegraph, telephone, and typewriter. Of course, some of the kids didn't know what a phonograph was! I thought the typewriter would have been first, but the telegraph was first: telegraph, typewriter, telephone, radio, phonograph, tv. I don't know if I could tell you the order in which digital technology has emerged. I think digital audio tape was the first, or I guess recording directly onto a hard drive, then CD's, then probably digital video tape, then dvd's, then I have no idea the difference between blue ray and whatever the other one is called. I am sure Hank will think we are totally square that we still have an bulky, analog tv, which I plan to have, if it continues to work. I heard we are going to have to get a government-issued converter box in the near future to watch an analog tv signal. I ramble, but I wonder how many folks of our SES do not have cable versus other SES brackets. It seems that on the eaves of every low-rent apartment building there are satelite dishes and cable tv boxes. How do you spell satelite? I have no idea.
OK, onto some video-taped tv shows and my favorite, biking inside!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

hanging in

Feeling much better now that my neurotransmitters are tuned up.
Happily watched Tech beat OU last night. Sadly watched the ball slip more out of the hands of Michigan than it did of OSU. I may have said this before, but I like watching games where I want someone to lose more than my team to win. It's because it's too painful to watch your team lose, if they lose. But if you want someone else to lose because it would help your team look better, it's no big deal if it doesn't happen. Meanwhile, you get to watch some great football.
During the Michigan game, an architect came over to measure the inside and outside of our house in great detail for the City permits. He sounded like me, a woman, talking about football. He said something along the lines of, " I admire their athleticism and grace, but wouldn't it be nice if our society didn't revere people smashing into each other. What if 80,000 people gathered in a stadium to watch an engineer work and cheered when he came up with something great?" The second part, I am not sure about, but the first part, I definitely agree. Soccer is almost as brutal, a lot more boring, but probably equal or greater than football in terms of athleticism and agility. I do love swimming, and I think it's a great spectator sport. The Texas Invite is coming up Nov 28-Dec 1, FYI.
The architect also told a joke an engineer told him: it's just a little bit harder to communicate with an engineer than it is to communicate with the dead.
I came up with the opening line to my stand-up routine: We went to this Starving Artists' Sale last weekend. It was a real treat. Yeah, we saw a lot of pretty good paintings. We didn't buy anything, though. No, we just brought sandwiches for the artists....
Only 2 days of school this week. 4 days of swim team. Lana and Ernie are visiting. Should be a good week.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

24 weeks

I am now at 26 weeks, but here's 24 weeks.
You can also see Rockit dashing through.
And, Hank's new sofa.

Gone through a mental rough patch, but feeling better.
Hank is great. Hormones and neurotransmitters have been SCREWY.
I keep thinking about women, like my Grandmother, who picked cotton all the way through pregnancy. And, of course, plenty of women who went through labor out there, too.
I know everyone is different, and giving up beating myself up helped some.
Change in brain chemistry has helped a lot.
Mom has been here, too which has helped.

Today we go to San Antonio, home of the World Champion San Antonio Spurs,
for a LC swim meet.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

changes

Changing American standards of "beauty." Sure, I'll buy Dove stuff for that reason.
Short Film

Picture at 21 weeks

Notice the stump. Had to get rid of the pecan tree to make room for Hank.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Up early, quelle surprise!

Le bébé m'a réveillé à 3:30 am, encore.
I am guessing he is getting me ready. However, I hope when he gets me up at 3:30, it's only he who is hungry and not me, too.
I am also guessing there is a long nap in my immediate future.
Got to swim at Steve's, yesterday. It was pretty awesome. I swam about 10 more 100 IM's than I have swum in a while. I am slower. I am cool with it. I can still pull fast. And, I am pretty proud of myself that I have graduated to the big, yellow paddles. There is only one more that is bigger, and only the superfast high school boys use those.
I have a new respect for the Ntl. Teamers. They go to practice at 5:30 am on MWF, then go to school all day, then every afternoon and every Saturday, they practice another 2 hours. I have done 2-a-days, but never of the same event, and never more than a couple of times a week. 3 at the most if you count lifting weights. They do that, too. I think they do dryland 3-4 times/week.
Today is the swimathon. It's essentially a long practice with breakfast and coaches vs them relays. I was a little afraid of the relays at first, but now I saw that they are silly ones. One is a pumpkin relay. I think I will be able to use my water polo skills on that one because I think pumpkins float.
One of the dads talked with me yesterday and was very sweet and encouraging. He acknowledged my job was challenging and said how much his daughter had improved. I don't think I can take credit for her improvement. She is just getting more coordinated with age and being back in a routine of a fairly high volume of swimming for a 6 year old. He said the best way to get little kids to do want you want is to "give them love." He is French. Then, once they like you, they will do whatever you want. That seems to be true. As they have gotten to know me, they do what I say more and more. I am still trying my no response technique when they are whiny. The whining has persisted, however.
Yesterday, a kid who wears a longsleeved sun shirt was supposed to be doing backstroke. Instead, he filled up his shirt with air and very leisurely kicked on his back about halfway down the pool. Inventive. The day before that I told the littlest kids 50 choice to cool down. They always reply with "anything?" and "pop-ups?" I usually say yes, "anything!", and have given up trying to get them to call pop-ups bobs. ("Pop-ups" sounds too Yankee). So, the first kid does bobs down, then gets out at the other end and walks back. He is 5. I look at him and ask if he is ok. He said, yes, you said we could do anything. So, he walked back. Yes, you are right, I did say anything. Of course, the rest of the kids behind him did the same thing he did. They all thought it was hilarious and thought they had really pulled one over on me. I guess that is pretty lovable.

Friday, October 05, 2007

good news

It has been cool hearing back from everyone I emailed regarding the future Mr. Hodgkinson. The first person to respond was a guy I lived at Pearl Street Coop with in 1990. We found each other on myspace a few months ago. I think that finding old friends is absolutely the only constructive use of facebook, myspace, etc. I can say I am no longer addicted to either and that is probably the only thing I have ever quit and been able to use in moderation.
Speaking of, I think I have now finally crossed over into looking pregnant and not full of beer. However, even when I was full of beer, I did not have a beer belly. I just had slightly bigger everything. Until a few weeks ago, my maximum weight had been while I was drinking. Now, I am at my lifetime maximum weight. I am totally OK with it. I still feel like my athletic self and am now even more feel connected to the bambino inside. Now, that I know he is a boy, I can even more easily picture getting to know him.
I think it is ideal we are starting with a boy. I know I am going to have a hard time detaching with love and letting the child be himself. I think I will be less likely to project my stuff onto a boy or try to control things I can't control. I think I will be able to guide without suffocating. Of course, we shall see. I think it will also be really cool for Brad. I hope that he can heal a piece of the loss of his dad by being a dad. He is going to be such an awesome dad. I also think I will be able to be totally adult about his attention to a boy. I know no mother intends to be jealous of her daughter and wants the dad to love the daughter, of course. But at least unconsciously, the mom must have a little jealousy toward daddy's little girl.
I guess I will have to let Brad know he is still my favorite guy. Although Brad is the opposite of jealous. I think he would rather not have the attention at all.
Swim team has gone well this week. I have been more calm. The assistant has been gone. He is great and is very helpful. But, I think I have had a better attitude with the kids when I am by myself. As I told Coach Steve, I know it is I who needs to change my perception, not the kids who need to change, per se.
Speaking of, I get to swim at Coach Steve's this morning, then coach the masters. I am giggling about asking Steve if I can go to the bathroom in the middle of practice. Maybe in the middle of a 100 in the middle of the main set. Hilarious. This is, of course, what the kids do. I cannot tell if they are wanting a break, or really have to go. I don't want to risk their peeing in the pool, so I always say yes. I would rather they just tell me, "I have to go to the bathroom." I will tell them that. That way, I know they are ok, not sick, but will be back. If you have to go or even if you have to sneak a break in, I am ok with it.
I am definitely working on my abstract this afternoon!!! I pledge to finish a great draft. Signed, MLMH
PS, Yes, I have awakened every day this week before my alarm and have been hungry!!!

Monday, October 01, 2007

the baby is hungry

since I had my 48 hours of sleep during the onset of ragweed, the baby has been waking me up about 3 or 4 am to eat. this is kind of an odd feeling. yesterday I didnot go back to sleep, but I did take a nap. I am hoping to get back to sleep today, because I don't particularly have time for a nap. I keep wanting to work on this abstract and have now put it off for 2 weeks. eek.
JH, FYI, my hair is always curly when it's shorter.

2:04:26

Sunday, September 30, 2007

17 Week Pics



BH and I at 17 weeks.
Now, we are 20 weeks. Wednesday we get to find out the sex.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

the only problem

the only problem with my swim coach job is that I now hate swimming and children.

BH is feeling better but not great. the adaptiveness of his running has become extremely clear to both of us because he has been seriously bummed. Monday night we were watching Ken Burns' War movie and he said, "I'm irritable! Even the PBS guy is irritating me. Not everything is pleasantly interesting!" well, said , BH. poor, darling. he is very frustrated in his job, also. I think we have served each other well in acting as sounding boards. he is also much better at detaching from the results than I am. I going to practice that.

off to boot camp. I now perceive my J ladies and college students as so pleasant and easy-going! there's that silver lining...

Sunday, September 16, 2007

ok, but bunged-up

BH took a big spill on his bike today. had a flat while riding across the dam on the dam loop - going downhill (probably at about 30 mph!!!) he's scraped and bruised, but ok. didn't his his head, thank God. but, he did hit the cement wall. ouch!!! some good Samaritan cyclists took care of him. I was working at the J. in an extreme act of toughness and self-reliance, he RODE HOME - up the dam and back up to our house. on my way home from the J, I saw he had called but didn't leave a message. I called him back and he was at the ER because his side hurt. very cautious and smart, BH. turns out his side hurts due to bruised ribs. : ( poor darling. his bike is ok. fyi, if I ever were in a bike wreck, and BH was at work, I would call every phone number possible to get him to come and pick me up. he said he didn't think about it.

had our first swim meet at LC, yesterday. the kids did well. it was HOT.

Friday, September 14, 2007

no info

Baby's heart is beating great, but we did not get to find out the sex today.
We will find out in 3 weeks.
Trying to get the things done today I didn't get done last post.
Finished Plan B. Started All New People, an earlier novel. When I finish that, Lana sent me Ann LaMott's newest book. Very sweet.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

no reason

been reading Plan B by Ann LaMott. loved Traveling Mercies. this one is also excellent. it got me fervent about continuing to mentor my little gal. however, it also spawned a material desire, for no good reason. I have probably vegged an hour in front of the computer this weekend (which is fine, I need some mindless escape) looking for .25 ct CZ or diamond, round, stud, white gold, screw back earrings. haven't found any that are perfect, plus, I realized this was a gazingus pin the Money or You Life book warned about. I am white knuckling it for now.

decided to pare-down Sundays, more. I am too pooped to teach 2 classes, then have 3-4 hours of clients. I need to call them all and tell them, but who likes calling with bad news!

definitely going to back up my computer today. after this week, it will be a little less hectic until Don's wife has the baby. this week I am continuing to hep the new TA teach swimming. he is very good and doesn't need help, per se, but can use assistance with our procedures, etc.

get to find out if it's Hannah or Hank on Friday!!!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

some sickos

I was just showing Brad my sitemeter, and our sleuthing determined the biggest hits for the mmblog are ugly baby and kid porn. Both are things to which I have referred, however, the latter was NOT kid porn, but a kid who made a very funny and interesting film for a class project about the Vietnam War that used G-rated scenes from a 70's porn. I don't know what kind of sicko googles kid porn, but I am sure he or she is sorely disappointed to find self-absorbed pontifications that are possibly the antithesis of kid porn. Another hit I sometimes get is the Stuart Smalley - Michael Jordan sketch which is one of my favorite SNL's of all time. But, unfortunately, too, for this internet researcher, the search is futile.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

got to skip week 12



when you get PG, they ask the 1st date of your last period. that date determines your due date. I think it's kind of weird, but I guess not as weird as asking you when you had sex. plus, who knows which time it was. the point of that story is, because our little alien is 7 cm, they said my due date is now 2/19, which puts me closer to 13 weeks. I was hoping for a fellow pisces, but I am sure aquarius and I will get along swimmingly, too. Brad thinks it's shooting a basket, I think it is sculling!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

PID

After I did IMCA, Kathleen W said I would probably get some PID. Why would I get pelvic inflammatory disease? No, post Ironman depression. I did. I had an existential crisis.
I think I am going through a little, now. But nothing like that bout. I don't think completing an IM means anything in terms of my contribution to humanity. Hopefully, my academic research will at least not harm humanity. Possibly, someday, make a nano-contribution to humanity.

I am glad I have a real baby on the way now that my other baby can be abandoned. I was gung-ho to clean out the house and all this stuff, but I don't really feel like doing anything.
I am sure this is normal, and don't worry about me, I am just having a little self-awareness.

done and DONE!!!

I am totally done. I did feel very relieved when I walked out of Brunhilda's office yesterday.
Getting lots done around the house.

Slept all day and all night Sunday, then this morning, woke up early.
I guess I am freaking out a little about getting the nest ready.
Read some of What to Expect During the First Year last night. I didn't know several things about breast feeding. Of course, but there were some surprises.
Go Wednesday for the 12 week. It is a long time to wait.
I think everything must be ok because my boobs are still big, and I can't poop. TMI, I know. But, no one ever told me this was what happened. Just some FYI.

Swam at NW yesterday. It was very hot. But, I did like it better than being too cold.

Friday, August 10, 2007

finished!!!!!!!!

I have finished my reformatting revisions per the degree auditor at the GS.
Who knew changing the margins from 1" to 1.25" would take 1 million years?
I still do not feel totally done. Not until I schlep it back over to the main bldg, again on Monday and get the format stamp of approval from my friend.
Jesus H. Hodgkinson. I am ready to be done.

I have gotten lots of lifestyle physical activity, lately, including 2 trips to the main bldg from Bellmont, walked to get my allergy shot, and walked to Walgreen's today to get a prescription.
The walk today was especially great because I saw the parakeets by the IM fields.
I also saw a girl, who was not diabetic, buying insulin needles.
I do feel extremely grateful to be alive and to be living the life I am living. How incredible.
I didn't imagine I would be here in 1995. Not even anywhere close.
Wow. I can't put it into words.

Monday, August 06, 2007

FYI

I passed my oral exam for my dissertation.
A couple of things to add.
One kind of big thing I overlooked in the results.
Brad and my parents came, along with Dr. M and Dr. C who were in town by such luck.
Getting it done by Wednesday.

Next Wednesday is my 12-week check-up.
I am not feeling sick at all, just need an afternoon nap. Everyday.

PS I was going to wear my 4" Michael Kors heels with my suit, but I wore my Sas shoes flats from the garage to Bellmont and already had a blister, so I opted for comfort over style.
I do like my swim teacher clothes a LOT better than my professor clothes.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Top Tens and Elevens

Top Ten Male Vocalists (pop music) of all time:
Chet Baker
Tony Bennett
Jeff Buckley
Ray Charles
Nat King Cole
Brian Ferry
Marvin Gaye
Elton John
James Taylor
Elliott Yamin

Top Eleven Singer-Songwriters of all time:
David Bowie
Bob Dylan
John Lennon
Joni Mitchell
Willie Nelson
Liz Phair
Loudon Wainwright
Tom Waits
Paul Westerberg
Stevie Wonder
Neil Young

Top Ten Female Vocalists (pop music) of all time:
Sheryl Crowe
Aretha Franklin
Judy Garland
Gladys Knight
Allison Krause
Billy Holiday
Patty Loveless
Cat Power
Bonnie Raitt
Diana Ross

Top Eleven Performers (pop) of all time:
Johnny Cash
Elvis Costello
Jimi Hendrix
Mick Jagger
Jim Morrison
Van Morrison
Prince
Iggy Pop
Elvis Presley
Tina Turner
Jack White

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

positive and not so much

If you haven't checked out Elliott Yamin, you need to.
I say he is one of the top 10 male vocalists of all time.

Not so much is...today I decided getting a PhD is like the hazing one endures to join a fraternity.

I also decided I want to move to the Pac NW. This decision could be likened to Brad's decisions to move into an earthship, buy a motorcycle, or build a geodesic dome. However, I like rain, I like cold rain, and that is a lot of what it is like in the Pac NW. Brad tells me Eureka, CA is lovely. I am going to check out vacationing there for us this summer.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Dear Meredith,

"Good job on your dissertation revisions. Here are 6 more things we would like you to change."
Love, 2 people
They were a lot sweeter than last time, however. Possibly due to my use of the ugly baby analogue. OK, this week. This is it.


For those of you who didn't get to see Ernie's Italian farewell cake, here it is.
I was trying to get done before he retired, but it didn't happen.
Congratulations, Pop!



Yes, it has been raining for 40 days and 40 nights, here. I am loving it. (Of course I do not love the flood damage done to homes). It is not that hot, and the yard looks awesome. Hoping to get to the mountains sometime in late July or early August.

Looking at taking a coaching job in the afternoons with coach Steve. It looks like I may get to teach swimming at UT, again. And keep training folks at the J. Meanwhile, have time to write these awesome manuscripts and at least that first chapter of the novel - Flora and Fauna in Northern New Mexico: [I am not sure what comes after the colon, yet, but something witty and philosophical].

Monday, June 04, 2007

personal deadline

I am setting my deadline to be done with my revisions for Friday. Hence, if you read lots of content on this thing this week, call me and tell me to get back to work. I am only allowing 1 email check per hour. And one house cleaning task per day. (Laundry doesn't count).

Friday, June 01, 2007

Kid Does His Vietnam Video Project using 70s Porn (and gets 97%)

This video was for one of his classes in school. All the voices, sound effects and editing are done by him, and the whole video was made using only a 70s porno [it's a clean video, though, safe for work]. Watch until credits, very funny and very creative.



read more | digg story

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

subscription

yes, you can now subscribe to the ol' blog. blogs are like assholes, everybody has one.
you can also click on the latest news from the NY Times. lucky you!
I recently read a quote by WH Auden, speaking of the rear end, and he said something along the lines of "everyone thinks their own farts smell good." how true, WH, how true.
I also think my own underarms and feet smell good. I guess it's adaptive. speaking of pheromones, something springy is in the air, because the birds and bees are calling me.

Monday, May 28, 2007

woke up early

woke up before my alarm this morning. it is raining lightly. I love getting up before the world does, and feel it is license to do something unproductive. been meaning to scan in some OLD photos. little did I know what a long, strange trip 1995 would be. looks like I am off to a great start. if I hadn't gone where I went, I would be where I am, now.new year's eve 1994 > 1995


not sure why, but we decided we needed hats

my birthday party 1994. dawn and lance


more bday party


kerstin and vivian the cat


seriously oldy. Rhett Miller 1987 at ISAS. we pretty much thought he was James Taylor or I don't know, Paul McCartney.


stew and mere at train station by Sarah Lawrence. stew was seriously tough, then.


dawn at Big Bend 1994


dawn and mere in Gauze. we made bread. tasted good, but did not rise.

there is a big, green blob of rain over us, right now. I am loving the rain, but it is not helping my agora-avoidance. I guess I should refrain from using the term agoraphobia.
got a little work done this weekend. a little napping. ran long yesterday by myself for the first time in a LONG time. Marie is out of town. I listened to NPR. I was EXTREMELY sweaty when I finished; it has been very humid. going to train clients this morning at 8, then start again at 2:45. hopefully 9 - 2:25 will be productive. just have to think about it one tiny step at a time. when I think about "finishing my dissertation," (for the second time) it is too overwhelming, and I feel like taking a nap.
been wearing my mbt shoes I got off ebay. they are neat. and I got them for a bargain.
I was going to swim outside at the J at 9, but with all this rain, I bet the water will be TOO COLD. I like my 81˙ at the TSC. in the fall I guess I will have to get someone to sponsor me so I can join rec sports. yes, I am rambling.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

turn off npr

the other day I told Brad I was feeling agoraphobic. (and, I am sure it is not pathlogical, I just sometimes want to be inside and not out amongt 'em, as I like to say.) I am sure he knew what I meant and was just being difficult, but asked what agoraphobic was. that did not make me feel like sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings, so I said it was literally 'fear of the marketplace' - the agora. he said, well, you better turn off npr. why? because marketplace is coming on at 6:30. hilarious, Brad.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

socializing

very proud of us for attending at least 20 minutes of the water polo party this evening. we played 4 square. that was about it. you could only hit the ball with one hand. of course.
must have sweat a lot today during our run because I chaffed like an idiot. we both took naps today. I think I have slept at least 12 hours in naps this week. the nap has called, and I have surrendered.

Friday, May 18, 2007

next time

just in case the Spirit of the Universe reads blogs, I would like to come back to earth sometime as:
a) a fast, powerful, male, possibly black, possibly gay, running back who plays 1A high school football (6 man?), then rockets to NCAA Division I success, NFL player for anyone except the Cowboys, and finishes up with a commentator job sitting next to Howie Long.
b) a tiny (under 5'5"), possibly Latina, agile, limber, classically trained professional dancer.
c) a child psychologist.
just wanted to let You know.

trying to do MANOVAs when they were T-tests all along. Ockham's RAZOR. duh!!!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

HI

noticed someone from Honolulu looked at the ol' blog. I imagine it was Andrew, the Officer and Gentleman. yes, Brad and I have watched about an hour of the show this season. it is embarassing - for us and the participants.
while walking to my stats appt through the South Mall, I reminisced about making out with LG in the bushes. it was totally PG rated and funny. we just couldn't contain ourselves. and, as I may have mentioned before, in retrospect, it was the first time I became aware I might have problems with emotional intimacy. when he told me he loved me I felt totally freaked out and was not nearly as interested in him as I had been. hm.
it occurs to me when BH dances toward me that I still may have some of said issue, but I have definitely made progress. thank God!
had clients this morning. didn't get too much work done. a little.
ready for dinner!!!!

Monday, May 07, 2007

euphoric recall

I am watching my students go through the end of the year mating dances and thinking it looks like fun. a) it was not fun for me at the time b) it probably looks like more fun than it is, and c) I have a tendency to romanticize things. it's called euphoric recall. it is normal and human to do. and I don't act on it, so that is progress.
BH and I do need a romantic rendez-vous tout de suite, but I don't know what or when.

met with a stats person today. I learned you have to transform scores if distribution is skewed, and there are a bunch of transformations for a bunch of different distributions. interesting. I don't know if I had ever heard about that before. if I have, I don't remember.
now, I am back on a rewriting role. it is TEDIOUS to move and change my beautiful tables and figures. oh, well.

I listened to madamimadam the other day. I think it is a good record - the band, the arrangements, the songs, and the performances. the only thing I don't like are those crizazzy sound efx on broken keys. I didn't like those at the time. too cuckoo. but, other than that, I think it is good. I hadn't listened to it since it came out - SEVEN years ago. wow. time has flown.

there was an article in the Statesman today about foster kids. another prod.

Monday, April 30, 2007

yeah, no big deal

and, $1300 later we are graduating in the summer.
good thing I will be earning the big bucks to coach swim team....
yes, and my money laundering business. don corleone says he'll take good care of us.

we got 2 rose bushes yesterday, and 1 has 4 new blooms on it, already. guess it likes Park Avenue.

un more thing

I just got my new NIDA notes. This abstract is interesting and describes me perfectly (down to my rat brain and facial expressions!!!) FYI the nucleus accumbens is AKA the "pleasure center" of the brain. As far as I recall, it produces dopamine which acts on the VTA, which, in turn, sends signals to the prefrontal cortex. I.e. this activity/food/drug is fun, let's make our initial cognitive appraisal a positive one. Now, let's do it, again.

Drs. Susana Peciña and Kent Berridge of the University of Michigan have traced rats' liking for sweets to a 1-cubic millimeter site in the medial shell of the nucleus accumbens. Using fine-grained brain mapping, the researchers correlated mu-opioid activation of this area [by D-Ala2-N-Me-Phe4-Glycol5-enkephalin (DAMGO)] with the facial reactions rats exhibit upon receiving infusions of sweet tastes into the mouth. Enhancing mu-opioid activity in this hedonic "hot spot" produced two to four times the number of positive reactions (e.g., licking) to sucrose relative to other regions of the medial shell. Stimulating the hot spot with DAMGO also reduced the rats' negative reactions to a bitter taste by 25 percent. The findings suggest that opioid circuits in the medial shell involved in liking (e.g., positive facial expressions in reaction to a taste) and wanting (e.g., pressing a lever for a substance) are related but not identical, as activating mu-opioid circuits in widely distributed areas of the medial shell increased food intake.
The Journal of Neuroscience 25(50):11777-11786, 2005

finally, courage

After having 2 people's comments since Friday, I finally got the courage to look at them. OMG, it's things I need to leave out, and things I need to change the order of. I found 2 things I actually did WRONG. I can live with that. It is funny, I was dreading it, putting it off, cleaning the house, working in the yard, taking naps, moving my office home, rearranging my home office, thinking how terrible it will be, and it is not a big deal. Cutting and pasting and cutting.
My biceps are still sore from moving boxes on Friday. I still need to move at least a couple more boxes. Hopefully, I will have adapted to that training stimulus by then.
It is raining here and my favorite weather for hunkering down.
Only 2 more days of teaching swimming to college students. I imagine I will cry as I hate all change. I don't actually hate change, I just think I do. Ah, yes, Monsieur Hamlet. I did cry when I left Real to Reel, which I did hate. Weird. I think I also cried when I left Stream, which I also hated even more. Wow, stop the hate. Although, I can now see how the Universe was trying to tell me something...when you hate something, leave! Duh...only took me 6 years to really change. And here I am, parabolically close to finishing, and yet, talking to myself in cyberspace.
Hello, self. Get to work.

Friday, April 27, 2007

ugly baby

being told that I needed to revise my diss is pretty much equal to being told my baby is ugly. I was thinking though, in my dept they say, "your baby is ugly, but we love you." in the other half of my dept they say, "your baby is ugly, and by the way we are selling your baby into slavery." I can see that I did focus on each tree and each nuance of each leaf and didn't describe the forest in general. this does not seem like an egregious error and can be fixed. I can see where I was wrong, but I also think it is a style issue and not an empirical one. as BH said, do whatever they want and don't think about it as an attack. such good and sweet advice.
enjoyed "partying" with Lana and Ernie. we went to Whole Foods last night and Austin Java today. yummmmy. they are cool.
moved most of my office home today. we'll see how that goes. I want a desk and chair from IKEA. to put where, I don't know.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

abort

not doing my defense tomorrow as planned. BH has been extremely sweet even before the last- minute postponement. I do not want to be victimized by the thing and realize everyone has these obstacles, some placed sooner rather than later on this path.
yesterday BH said we needed to change our addresses. to what? dr and mr h. so cute.
today, he helped me get very zen about the whole thing. that's neat. I am not going to deny that I am irritated, but, as I said I realize this happens to everyone at some point.
my parents decided to come down anyway. my dad said to "party." that was a good one.
going to be reformatting some things this weekend. I think the main problem was they skimmed it last night, didn't look at the update I sent them, and whatever. I will graduate this summer, and that is not a big deal. I feel a little like I have had a miscarriage and have to tell everyone because I told EVERYONE that I was pregnant. I know it is not even in the same universe as that kind of problem. ohm.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

job or not job

"it is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. that often makes the difference between failure and sucess.... job or no job- wife or no wife - we simply do not do _____ [whatever it is] so long as we place dependence on other people ahead of dependence on God. burn the idea into the consciousness of every man he can get well regardless of anyone. the only condition is that he trust in God and clean house."
the other one I have been thinking about is, "taking a trip, not taking a trip."
getting REALLY existential. subconsciously freaking out. consciously calm and peaceful. I feel certain on a deep level that if I do the footwork, everything will work out. I also quantified in my mind what I want: to find a job that I feel proud to do, that allows me to make enough money to support my family, that allows us to give money and time away. I know this is what I will find. I don't think God micromanages the job market in Austin, but I also do not think I got here to be dumped into miserable, spiritual self-sufficiency. I don't know why or how God helped me, but I do know that I would not be here were it not for a Power greater than I. it was not working doing it my way. I tried. A LOT.
I am trying to find the balance between acknowledging my unconscious freak-out without dwelling on it. without beating myself up for freaking out, while not denying that I am.
teaching for 4 hours today was exactly what I did not feel like doing, but did make me feel better.
yeah, the pms doesn't help, either. I guess it comes down to mary and isn't that interesting...

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Easter according to Bill Hicks

"They [Australians] celebrate Easter the exact same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer? As long as you're making shit up, you know, go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations. [in faux Australian accent] 'Mummy, today I found a Lincoln log in me sock drawer.' 'That's the story of Jesus!'"

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Beyonce Deux


Too Much Beyonce?
Video sent by apartment3b

I am I am I am

je pense donc, je suis. cogito ergo sum. cogito ergo nutso.
not really, but as I mentioned, I begin to think when I have fewer things to do.
I worked on my ppt a little today, but not much. BH and I watched a season 5 episode of QAF which I have been saving until I finished my diss. it was not very good because there was not very much making out.
it is cold and rainy here. it is pretty awesome. cold and rainy = cool, dry and sunny = my favorite weather of all time.
Marie and I are supposed to run in the morning. I am predicting 50% chance of not running.
Monday is still Passover, so I am VERY excited to not go to the J and to go to school. I am also looking forward to beginning writing some journal submissions with which to occupy my mind.
nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. oh, crazy Hamlet.
the other day I remember we had to memorize the Concord Hymn in middle school. yeah, don't remember that one. it's good. haha
http://www.emersoncentral.com/poems/concordhymn.htm

Thursday, April 05, 2007

bad brain

I made the copies off my diss and gave them to my committee members on Monday. Since then, I have been working on my ppt. I keep thinking of things to add to the diss. Little things, but still, things. Meanwhile, completely out of the blue, I have developed a new crush. It is not nearly as annoying as the one I had last spring, but nonetheless, it is a crush on someone other than Brad. As usual, I do not ever consider listening to my mind, much less acting on it. It is amusing that as soon as my brain gets a reprieve from thinking about the diss, it betrays me by developing a crush. I guess it is telling me we need to have some fun. BH have a BH and MH day planned on Sunday. BH told me, however, it would not happen, because I would probably fall asleep. Surely, I will not sleep for the entire day. It has been known to happen, however.
Interestingly. Just kidding. I did not use that word in my diss. But, I feel like I am still writing everything in sentences that flow together and not in my usual, non sequitur style.
I swam 20x100 IM's the other day. We had to leave Steve's due to lightening. I had gotten in 1950 m, then I went to GRE. I started swimming 100 IM's after rewarming up. I just kept doing them. It was neat. Not very fast, but not very much rest.
GRE is a neat space, but a splashy pool.
Today I played music during my GRE classes. It made it a LOT more fun for me. Although, people did not recognize such bands as THE ROLLING STONES, the sex pistols, ok, and someone said they hated a White Stripes song. I told him I would probably have to drown him for that.
Not going to school to work tomorrow due to TX Relays. Going to try to sit home and work. We'll see. Brad is off for Good Friday. Brad had never heard of Maundy Thursday.
I tried to keep kosher for Passover, but screwed up before it started when I ate matzah on Sunday. You don't start eating matzah until the first night. Duh, but too late.
I had several matzah PB&J's. They were good.
I want to download some Bad Brains. My friend from HS with the good vocab reminded me of them. I have already revisited Minor Threat, but I used to love the Bad Brains. The kid I have a crush on looks reminds me of Dave Breihan. Hm....

Sunday, March 25, 2007

phud

I sell our old books and cds on amazon. some dorkus ordered a book and put PhD after his name for the address to which he wanted the book sent. I am sensing a forthcoming existential dilemna much like the one I experienced post IM #1. but, I hope I can maintain a sense of humility that all it means is that I wrote a really long paper that not very many people are interested in, I took a bunch of graduate classes, I worked for little money teaching undergraduates, and I have an awesome husband and family who supported me through the thing. it does not mean I am any smarter than anybody else, of which I am reminded when I talk with my old private school classmates. I have to look up words they use in emails to me. eschew. I am going to start using that one if I can think of a good context. I eschew staying up late despite the change in daylight. I eschew walmarts. I eschew mud.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

pretty tables

I just wanted to take a break from sitting at the computer all morning to report that I am done with my results section, and my tables are really cool.
I even took the day off exercise. whoa.
#3 is we saw a really good documentary on pbs on wednesday - last best hope. it was pretty incredible. I highly recommend it.

Friday, March 16, 2007

done and done

Did my pres this am. Not too many folks there, but it was good practice for me.
Got back to my hotel and enjoyed some cable TV - The New World was on. Collin Farrell is hot, FYI. Especially when he gets in the pool with his clothes on. Back to capital city EARLY in the morning. And it's really going to be an hour earlier with daylight sucky time. And here is a cute one of BH and MH. Cute, but not hot.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

the streets of Baltimore

can't get the song out of my head.

I sold the farm to take my woman where she longed to be.
we left our kin and all ours friends back there in Tennessee.
I got those one-way tickets she had always begged me for.
and she dragged me through the streets of Baltimore.

it's a cool town. right by Towson where Michael Phelps is from.
my shuttle driver's son knows him because his son is friends with him.
it is supposed to get cold here tonight.
I can't imagine anyone is going to go to my 7:30 am presentation.
it will be a good dress rehearsal.
there are tons of PE teacher-looking types. mullets, track suits, and a little bit overweight.
that's at the conference. the city is full of smokers. I am surprised by that.
I walked over to a deli after I checked in. Attman's. There were white, Jewish people there, black people, and white, gentile me. it was a good sandwich.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

at least it's dark out

in case I haven't given you my tirade, I don't care for daylight savings time. tonight, it is raining, which is awesome, so I think I can make it to bed early. a)DST makes it hard to get up early like decent, working folks do, b)DST makes it hard to go to bed early so that decent folks can get some sleep, c)DST does NOT save energy. the extra daylight, in fact, tends to make people use MORE energy driving around doing stuff and watching more tv and that kind of thing. d)there are few decent things I have done after 9 pm. maybe written a song back in the day, but it was well after dark and not affected by DST. e)someday, Arizona, baby.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

feeling..., again

Just thinking that I feel better at 35, really than I ever have, physically, mentally. Maybe I have had more spiritual times, but I do feel a sense of peace that I know Is.
Found an old friend, and was thinking about how many lifetimes I have lived.
I have found a few, lately.
For the first time in teaching swimming for 4 years, I demonstrated fly. That was cool.
I am trying to enjoy minutes rather than get through them, and I have some moments.
We have hyacinths blooming in the backyard. This morning I ran some fast 800's, and I thought I was going to pee and throw up at the same time. I didn't know I could run that fast.
I did not think this is where or who I would be 15 years ago. Thank God I do not always get what I want.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

mammogram + 5 minutes

Turned 35 on Thursday. Now, it's time for a mammogram, and I get 5 extra minutes to qualify for Boston. Not that I need the 5 minutes!!!
In news, I am ALMOST done with my ppt for AAHPERD. I have been almost done for at least a week, but I keep adding things and trying to get one more stat to run.
As soon as I fininsh, I will refocus on the diss.
I have been making my relaxation day Sunday, but I decided to switch today. I don't feel like sitting in front of the computer. So, I thought I would update my blog.
Hyacinths are blooming. Red buds are budding. Tim is coming for a week. But, alas, I don't think we will see much of him because he will be with his lady.
Enjoying the cold nights, cool days, and low dew points.
Still in love with Jack White and the White Stripes.
Going to Dallas next weekend, then up to Baltimore the next. Awesome.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

sunny!

interesting weekend. begun Friday night with a power outage on our block that started at 7pm and ended sometime in the middle of the night. (we are guessing around 11). yesterday, I had a big day running with Marie, getting my allergy shot, and spending 8 hours in a room with my graduate student cohort taking a qualitative software training. it was actually very good. the software is expensive, though. and, I don't have any qualitative data right now. today, the sun is up, and the sky is clear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think BH was having MI flashbacks. hopefully, he will be able to get out and enjoy riding outside. I am off to teach spinning at the J. haven't been up there since last Sunday because it was closed M, Tu, W last week.

Monday, January 15, 2007


Adult onset, then teenagers, then kids, and now cats. At least, being a health educator, I can help the cats with type II diabetes. Apparently, getting more physical activity and decreasing serving sizes aren't enough.

UT, AISD, JCAA closed

Tuesday, January 16, 2007 - UT, JCAA, AISD closed all day.
It's not supposed to clear off until Thursday late morning....

ice ice, baby

oh, you knew it was coming. supposed to be iced in until Thursday morning. J was closed today. haven't heard about UT or J tomorrow, but I can't imagine they will open. if there is water coming out of the sky and below 32, I will not be leaving the house. however, bummer is I was trying to work on my diss, and this software I need to use on the UT server is not working. booooooooo.
we rented 3 movies on Sunday and haven't watched one. covered the tropicals in the backyard. just walked to 7-eleven so BH could get a money order for an eBay purchase. it was freezing, but not too icy. BH and I are enjoying being snowed in.

Friday, January 05, 2007

well

I did remember another non-guitar player bf. SL from DC, a musician nontheless. extremely charismatic and won't add me as his myspace friend. bugs me. also a drummer, well, 3. wow. ok. memory lane is a long walk.
I guess my new year's resolution should be to practice taking no for an answer. afterall, it is a pet peeve of mine when people don't take no for an answer from me. what's good for the gander is good for the goose. I think I am the goose, right? my other resolution was to practice not being perfect and to let other people also not be perfect. because, of course, no one is, and my imperfect definition of what perfect is is wrong for me and is indubitably wrong for everyone else.
I can't remember if it was last year or the year before, but one good resolution was "you can't take it with you." consequently, I have made progress in getting rid of things I don't use. and even made some progress in not buying things I don't need. maybe before I hit 40 I will get it down. oops, trying to be perfect. it's going to be a long year, I guess.
the other resolution I think about a lot is to be present and enjoy the moment. I find myself sitting in the anxiety of tomorrow a lot. and waking up wanting to get today over with. ironically, I have created a life I like. yet, I often realize I am trying to get things I want to do over with. how silly. the progress is I don't often sit in the regret of the past. I see how my experience can benefit others. I suppose I do regret what happened with SL which is a reason the situation is hard to mentally let go of. the other progress is that, at 11 years without a drink, I only bother cyberspace with my mental obsessions. oooo, the Chelsea Hotel, Ezra Brooks, and a calling card - a painful combination.

I stand corrected. SL does play guitar, and we are now myspace friends. I am happy about this in a strange and anti-climactic sort of way. I would also like to play with fire, but I know this means heartache for all.

every girl likes a guitar player

of course I love BH for many reasons, but one is that I am glad he is not a guitar player. they are intoxicating and mercurial. and the reason a guitar player is awesome is because he practices a lot, plays out a lot. additionally, all the girls throw themselves at him. although guitar players seem like they would be great to be friends with, you are second fiddle to the body of solid wood. I know this because with the exception of BH and 1 other, every boyfriend I have ever had was a guitar player. at any rate, I just saw the raconteurs on austin city limits. am now obsessed with jack white. I hadn't heard or seen him play before last night. he is very charismatic. I now want to own every album he has ever played on. did you know he produced loretta lynn's last album? and, he is from MICHIGAN! the other side, however, Detroit.

played, myself at the allgood café last night. was disappointed I didn't have much of a turn out. this summer I would say I had a good-sized crowd. I entertained myself by playing covers I like including a new one - you're a big girl, now.

starting to freak-out about the semester starting. it always works out, and there is absolutely no reason to freak-out. I think my anxiety is sustained by the fact that I hope this is my last semester and can I really get it done?????????????

tried to swim this morning at the Landry center. didn't feel like doing ANYTHING, but I stayed in for 2400m. don't know what my deal is. headed back to Austin tomorrow afternoon.