Cried today for the first time in about a year. (Thank you SSRIs and dopamine agonists.) After my dance lesson. I don't really know why, except that I still can't relax my fucking arms. Excuse my French, kids. I think I am relaxing, then DID tells me to "settle." I sent him a fb message today that basically said, you may or may not want to know all this, but blah...I don't dance, I don't relax, I have made TONS of progress (spiritually, in terms of getting closer to relaxing), it's nothing you are doing specifically, I am very Victorian in terms of my body and touching other people, I am dancing 75% to make more spiritual progress and 25% for exercise, someday I will get the joy and freedom of flow. I know when I bring my body, my mind follows. I have proven that to myself many times. I am probably existentially freaking out with Hank still weaning, I think I am about to start the lunar cycles, again, and holy cow, what is up with the run on sentences. Yesterday, in salsa class I felt pretty darn joyful most of the time. For some reason, I was sleepy at 9:15 when I got home, hungry, so I ate, and then awake until MIDNIGHT. Holy cow. Might as well just go for non sequiturs and no paragraphs. Dance Instructor Tommy said I had a pretty voice. That was very sweet. He is a very nice person. DID is a nice person, but he never said anything to me about my music. I guess he doesn't want to lie, but geez, he couldn't find a single nice thing to say? Well, I fish. I do. It's born from insecurity. Every time he tells me good, I have to say thank you, think thank you, and think, if you don't believe him, you are calling him a liar. DID is not a liar, say thank you. Yes, it takes a long time to go through this dispute every time. It's one of Seligman's tactics to turn the frown upside down - dispute! Experimented with putting Hank in the crib to sleep. Brad got him to sleep in 15 minutes last night. I tried with his nap this afternoon. It was the saddest noise I have ever heard. I went in 5 minute increments - leaving the room, sitting in the room and not talking, sitting in the room telling him he was ok but not looking at him, leaving the room talking to him. Yeah, did not work for 30 minutes, then I gave up, and he didn't take an afternoon nap. He had had a 10 minute cat nap in the car, and if he wakes from those, we are screwed. I get to sleep until 5:30 tomorrow. Woohoo!!!
Hank is making progress on sleeping without nursing. Brad had to use the swing yesterday afternoon, but other than that, he falls asleep in the rocking chair or even better, rocking being held or after stopping nursing and just hanging out talking and waving. The night before last he woke up and was crying and Brad wasn't able to calm him down so I gave it a shot. I said hi, bunny. He gave me a half awake and sad wave. It was very sweet and cute and funny.
Went to 3 classes of free dancing on Saturday. It was OK. Very crowded, but nice people. I got hypoglycemic during the 3rd class and had to leave early. I kept wobbling every time I tried to turn. I was afraid I had lost my turing ability yesterday at the beginning of class, but once I had a few tries at it, I got it back. I took the intro to waltz and American tango. Both of those were pretty fun because they travel around the room. I wouldn't mind doing two-step or another traveling country dance, except I don't think I could stand listening to top-40ish country music. If they had a 1950's-1970's country music dance class I would definitely go.
I am going to try to be comfortable and unnervous at the beginning of my lesson today rather than during the last 20 minutes. Friday night I went to Drop in and Dance, merengue and salsa. It was for very beginners, but was still fun. I got to dance with DID several times.
Getting my hair cut today for the first time in a year and a half. I did cut my own bangs and had a very small trim in the middle, but I am hoping to get a great shorter haircut and donate my hair. I found Pantene's Beautiful Lengths Campaign, which only needs 8 inches of hair. Locks of Love requires 10". I have done that one 2x, but it takes forever for me to get it that long and not end up Sinead O'Connored.