Thursday, December 20, 2012


Getting a cold front this morning reminds me of a time I was running at the lake.  There was an ancient Japanese guy who walked with his mom or his wife, she looked more ancient than he did.  We saw him almost every time we ran there at a certain time of morning.  This story is so much longer than it needed to be.  One particularly windy day, on the Mopac bridge, after never having spoken a word to us, he smiled and said "windeeeeee."

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Still looking for a job

Statistician, Health Education, Writer, Editor. Got approved to be an AISD sub, but that seems impractical with kids and lack of regularity. Also doesn't pay very well. Going to do another Bone Health Class at the JCAA after the new year. Enjoying moming. Dropped my phone in the bathtub, so I got an iPhone5 pretty much the same except shorter battery life. Still obsessed with #thevampirediaries. Trying to exercise more and eat less. Back to pre-CH weight but not as lean, oh well. Love.

Friday, November 09, 2012

Playing Zavalla Elementary tonight

Playing a fall fest for 20 minutes tonight at 7. Had to dig deep into the repertoire. No f words the organizer said. I can do that. :)

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Looking for a job

In case anyone knows of any leads, I am looking for a job in health education, hard science, writing, editing.  I would like to be able to work from home.  I would gladly accept a teaching gig, too.  Just wanted to put it out to the www's.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Finally feeling normal

At 9:30 at night I finally feel like myself, again.  Had sinus surgery on Tues.  Didn't think it would be a big deal.  Slept all day Tues, most of the day Wed.  Wed night around 3 am vomiting, couldn't keep anything down.  Dad takes me to ER.  10 am get into a room at Seton.  Finally, sleep for 36 hours.  Get home, sleep for 24 hours.  Today, lie around and sleep for 3 hours.  Tonight, after everyone is asleep I feel awake and kind of functional.  I guess the virus has left the building.  Praise Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, and Modern Medicine.  Seton was nice to me.  Better than post partum experience.  Especially night team, although day team was sweet, too.  So glad to be feeling not like lead.  I hope tomorrow I wake up also not lead.  Fingers crossed!!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I don't believe in Beatles

Firstly, I just got it, the other day, what John Lennon meant when he said, "Imagine there's no heaven."  You likely got this in high school or middle school when you first heard the song.  I'm slower than that.  Heaven is what we make here on earth by trying to be the best Humans we can be, and by just being kind to each other.  I heard the Rodney King "speech" yesterday, when he said, "Can't we all just get along?"  Can we?  Yes, we can!

Secondly, I don't believe in magic Jesus or God pulling me out of the way of on on coming train or even sending the helicopter in a flood.  I do think God takes care of me (and you), and can help if I want it.  I just told Brad I don't know why I sign up to answer the after hours AA phone.  I do it once a month or so.  Usually, it's lazy people calling who don't want to look online for a meeting.  haha.  Not really lazy.  Some don't have internets.  They're not lazy.  Tonight, I got to tell my story twice.  At least part of it, that is.  And, I don't ever consider drinking or taking drugs as something I would do, again.  But, lately, I have been feeling overwhelmed.  Tonight, I couldn't get to sleep, and I thought, one beer would make me sleepy.  I didn't think it was a good idea, nor did I entertain the idea, but I had the thought, which I hadn't had in 16 plus years.  (Maybe once after my first anatomy exam, I thought, this stress is something I would have drunk over.  But, again, did not think it was a good idea.  I did yoga in the airport, instead).  But, I don't think it was an accident that I answered the AA phone tonight.  One lady hung up on me after I said all meetings are not the same.  And, I said, if you don't work the steps out of the book with a sponsor, that is not "doing AA."  This guy just called, and I could tell he actually wanted to talk about something sexual, and I redirected, but I got to tell him enough of my story to remember how much it used to suck, it being life.  My life.  What I used to be like, sucky, what happened, I worked the steps (several times through, now) with a sponsor.  What I am like now, not sucky and usually way freaking happy and grateful!!!  I think God intervened, but I am not sure how or why or where.  But, I believe, the Human Spirit God gave us all is what mobilized me enough to get to AA.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

If if if

BH got some good news. Miraculous. If he were fulfilled at work, would he like me, again? That would be quite a miracle.
I will act like the person I want to be. Compassionate, kind, sensitive, optimistic. Staying angry is poison for me. Grouch and brainstorm are verboten. Happy Easter & Pesach! BTW, HH said God has a deep voice when he hides behind a bush. Yes.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Venting. Don't worry!

My mom is the only person who reads my blog, and this post will just make her worry.  But, don't worry, mother.  I am getting it on paper and telling the entire world, which is a positive step.
Had a massage for the first time in about 7 years (Jeff's then baby is now 7).  1)  I think he is an incarnation of Buddha.  Jeff Johnson, awesome RMT.  The most patient and peaceful person on the earth I have met.  2)  Every time I think about that massage, I cry.  And not because it was one of those sports massages that hurt.  It was pretty fucking amazingly cathartic.  It seems my body has been holding on to all this crap that has made my fucking hand go numb.  OK, the crap is sadness AND anger.  I don't like to be angry, and I don't like to admit I am angry, but I am angry.  Anger can be positive when it leads to necessary change.  Not that the situation I am in is as important or necessary as the American Civil Rights movement of the 1960's, but I always think of that time period as a positive use of anger.  If all the black people and some of the white people in the US had not been angry about disgusting and abhorrent injustices, nothing would have changed.  I am only the target of apathy that has for the past 4 years turned into antipathy.  Unfortunately, at a time I needed the very most love and patience.  Brad was exceptional during the childbirth of both kids.  I think I have been thinking surely if I met antipathy with humor, patience, optimism, that it would change on its own.  It and people do not change on their own unless it/they have to.  I digress.
Jeff was very sweet and allowed me to sob, and said I could take as long as I needed to, but I think I could have stayed there at least another hour in full-out sobbing, and I felt bad about taking up his time sobbing.  He gave me some directions about breathing that were extremely powerful.  When I sat up, after he left the room, I opened my eyes and saw this giant lion head sculpture he has on the wall.  That was weird is all I could think of.  I asked him how he did that, and he said I did it.  Hm.  That was very generous.  He said he imagined I had a tiger inside me waiting to come out.  I think I do.  A pretty fucking pissed off tiger.  One that has been put to sleep for a long time, but has decided to come out sideways, making my body extremely uncomfortable.
People should be nice to each other.  People should be nice to me.  People should be nice.  That is reasonable, right?  I have to ask this.  I am a nice person.  I constantly try to be better.  Be more patient, be more accepting, be more peaceful, calm, loving.  I think I've made progress.  I think I am a good mom.  I constantly try to care for the children as much as I can so that Brad can do what he wants to do.  Hank and Charlie are the best things that ever happened to me or Brad by 10,000 infinity.  I have no idea what it is that Brad thinks I should be doing differently.  I agree, it sucks for dads that moms get to breastfeed and that small children primary need their mom around, and do better in life if their mom is physically and emotionally available in early childhood.  When dad becomes the most important person in their lives, I know I will find it challenging.  I don't think I will blame Brad or take out my sadness and loss on him.  I don't know.  Maybe I will.  I have asked Brad what he would like for me to do instead of what I am doing, and I get a look that says I should know, but he is angry I don't know, and no words.  I think have been a good wife.  I think I have been a lousy wife at times.  I don't know how long I should be held in contempt for my mistakes.  How long is a reasonable amount of time?
I don't believe that two people who dug themselves into an enormous hole with tiny and broken spoons can dig themselves out without using someone else's heavy machinery.  A backhoe with an excavator and possibly a front-end wheel loader.  Definitely a crane and possibly a steel slab hauler.  I am afraid of starting up the heavy machinery because it is going to get LOUD.  I am afraid of how loud I will get and how loud he will get.  I suppose it's somewhat easier to deal with looks that say "go to hell,"  without hearing someone actually tell you to go there.   I DO NOT want to enter the martyr competition. I've played that game before, not since I have known Brad.  It is very unpleasant to play and also unpleasant to win.  Usually, people don't admit they are playing against you.  And if it seems like you are winning, they are always up for more self-torture.  So, no one wins, and everyone is miserable.  No, thanks.  I have plenty of misery (in my 99% awesome life) without manufacturing it for myself and competing for who can be the most miserable.  I think I may have learned that before I turned 30.  Along with just because a guy has sex with you or wants to have sex with you, it does not mean you are going to be boyfriend/girlfriend, or even ever speak again after making out, exchanging longing looks, or actually having sex.  I can proudly say I learned that one even before I turned 25.  Wow.
Now, I am 40, and I expect my children to learn how to be nice and navigate complex, human relationships.  Hm.  I think I need to figure it out before they are smarter than I am.  I have a few months at least because Hank told me the multiplication tables are where you eat lunch.  That was right after he told me he did not need to go to school anymore because he knew everything.  I am 40, and I now know, that is absolutely not true for me.  I know almost nothing about navigating complex human relationships.  I do not know how I am supposed to do it differently, but I do know that other people know how, I can learn how, and there is always room for progress, not perfection.  I know I must do it differently, if only to appease this weepy tiger.  And I should probably go to al anon in my spare time.  [Not because Brad has alcoholism, but because I suffer from thinking I can change things I cannot change].

I am teaching a how to be a personal trainer class and learning so much from the instructor of the lab portion of the class.  I think he is the best personal trainer I have ever met.  Equal to Dixie Stanforth.  Tony Thomas.  And I will gladly give Jeff's contact info to inquirers, but I don't want him to get spammed from posting his email address on the internets.

To bed.  I am subbing the classes at the J in the morning.  Hank and I bought a Betta fish today.  He did not have a suggestion for a name, so I suggested Gepetto and call him, "Pet."  Then we read Pinnochio, the Meredith-edited version.  Smoking, kids getting turned into donkeys, Pinocchio sacrifices his life for his dad.  Geez, I didn't remember all those heavy plot twists.  I think I do remember Pinocchio blowing smoke into Jiminy Cricket's face, but I didn't remember most of the other details.  Jiminy Cricket is Pinocchio's conscience.  That's pretty heavy.  And Pinocchio gets into trouble initially by skipping school to seek pleasurable activities.  Holy smoke.  Literally!  I love the song Giupetto by Vic Chesnutt.  I saw him at the Cactus CafĂ© with Brian Henry in 1994.  It was an amazing concert.  So quiet except for VC's voice and guitar.  And, I'll tell you a funny story about it another day.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Hard time

Feeling like Gelsey Kirkland and having a hard time. Only trying to please one person who doesn't seem to be able to be pleased. Focus on the abundant blessings and remember what other people think about you is none of your business. Even if it were my business, it is something I cannot change and cannot control. OK

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Anorexic food inspector

I don't believe in exercise in the same way I used to. I'm still going to do it, 1 day at a time, but only because I'm willing I believe. I see people lose weight and get in shape, and I see those who never seem I make any physical changes, yet every time I see them at the gym, they are working hard and sweating. Either my client don't tell me the whole story regarding their food and exercise regimes, or some people just don't ever really change shape. I want to be somewhere between working for improved fitness and self acceptance and gratitude and this moment, now.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Have a cold. Nose is draining.

Hello, world. Blogger for iPhone=mega drivel for internets. Feel like crap. At least it's not a sinus infection. Could be flu, as I've had fever, chills, aches. So sad. I don't think anything short of a missing limb would illicit acknowledgment, let alone sympathy, from BH. At least I still have Nana I at, poor Meredith. Kids are playing in a box. Cheap entertainment.