Wednesday, December 23, 2009

so grateful

Back to "normal" with everything. Showcase is over. It went awesomely. I was surprised how well it went. I am ready for another dance project. My friend and I are back to fine. I wonder about my sanity and my motives. It's a dance. I think I might be an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. (Just kidding, I know I am).
Got a sweet card and presents from DID and DIT. Took some bachata, country waltz, two-step, and triple two lessons, yesterday. I hope I get to a lot of classes starting in January. DIT approved me for level 2 on the country classes.
Going to Dallas today for a few days after working for 5 whole hours this morning. Good thing I woke up so ridiculously early before the alarm.
Enjoying renting Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes from Netflix.
Enjoying a new awareness about reality with others. (It seems when other people are doing or are stuck in what I want to avoid, I am able to see it, and without judgement, see the solution). Maybe, someday, I will be able to do this for myself.
Grateful for 5 minutes at a time. And one day at a time.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

guilty pleasures

Something that entertains me, even in the darkest hours, is to read English written with poor grammar, or by someone for whom English is a second language. It crack me up when nothing else will. I ordered some books from I hope a French person will enjoy my musings.
J'ai acheté deux livres en français a [I don't have the accents for all the letters. That probably won't be very funny]. Je n'ai jamais lit aucun de livres de Jackie Collins, mais, je pense que le genre de ces livres est comme ça. Je n'aime pas les livres de romance en Anglais, mais, je veux parler français, encore, donc j'ai pensé que lire d'etre une bonne ideé.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

dress rehearsal vids

Thanks to Claus for videoing for me.
Had a tough day, yesterday.
I'll have to put the Lindy one on YouTube. It's big and long.
I did better with the smiling, and I didn't say sorry when I messed up. But, my arms were super goofy, and I almost fell over at the very beginning. My little pivot turn was TOO zealous. DIT was SO sweet. He is awesome!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Approaching the Rumba

TOTALLY messed up the spot turn (forgot to let go of Tommy). Need to get my shoulders back. Smile bigger. Hips are getting there, and the feet. And my arms are coming along. Ready for dress rehearsal on Saturday!!! The only thing I feel nervous about is can I "act." Like getting into the drama of the dance to make it entertaining. I hope I can do it. I see what Richard means about making it big. It could be bigger. I need more flexible hips. Working on it.
I'll put a picture of my dress up, soon!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

up after dream

had such a detailed and crazy dream this morning. I assume as a result of my breaking up with DID, yesterday. I actually didn't do it myself, to avoid wishy-washily ending up not breaking up. it was almost as yucky feeling as breaking up with Reed. something sick, I suppose. according to the 3rd party who did the communicating, DID was very understanding. consequently, we are not doing the cha cha at showcase. now, just the Rumba with DIT, which is coming along, the LB team, and a half of another thing. decided to go ahead and get up to get some writing done on my secret novel. wrote down the whole dream, first.
LBPB and I are becoming friends, and it is helping me look at him while dancing. last week, I quoted Blue Velvet to him (Dennis Hopper) to ask him not to look at me while dancing. it was even funnier that he has not seen Blue Velvet. but he looked just over my ear, and it was cracking me up. but I could look directly at him. haha. we have a LOT in common. a LOT.

Monday, November 16, 2009

swing turned salsa dress success

Wore my black swing dress for the black and white salsa bday party for DID and Becca. I thought BH looked annoyed when I left, but maybe it was my imagination. Because he wasn't annoyed when I got home. wink wink nudge nudge say no more...
Didn't get to do that much dancing, but got a little in and felt pretty coordinated.
LB team practice was fun Sat. LBPB 2-stepped me a little between our lindy and blues practicing. That's fun with moments of success. I wish I could go to 2-step class. LBPB said he may resume salsa. That would be fun to practice more, too!
I am VERY sleepy this morning, however. Still have debris in my sinuses as does Hank, but we are both continuing to improve. Poor little guy can't loogee. I have no idea how to spell that. He does go over to the edge of the porch when we are outside, however. And he cutely makes a spitting noise and the body and head movement of spitting without actually spitting.
Busy morning. 2 peeps at J, 2 peeps at their respective houses, to Don's, to JCAA. 6 hole hours of working outside the home!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Robert Pattinson mags

December issues of VF (more pics up here, recently) and Bazaar are out with RPattz on cover. I already read both, and learned nothing beyond what my cheaper and trashier OK magazines told me. I am SO glad I don't read fashion magazine, anymore. It makes me so much more peaceful and self-accepting. All those air-brushed legs, butts, and faces. And products I don't need that are a waste of money.
And, they pretty much showed us all the pictures on their websites. Well, they still got me to buy 2 magazines. Touché!
One more boring story. Yesterday, Sarah was trying out a $1700 competition dress (she a pro and a teacher at Go Dance). She looked absolutely beautiful. She is always beautiful, but the dress was skimpy, but not slutty, and the C&W tan boots looked great with the dress. And she just looked amazing. I was very happy I could appreciate her beauty without thinking, "I wish I looked like that." Didn't occur to me. That's progress!

too early

Some people stay up too late; I get up too early.
Think how much money the world could save on coffee if we simply got adequate sleep...
Yeah, heavy.

My nose is waking me up. Went to doc, again, yesterday. My GP, who is probably over 65 and semi-retired knew what the latest research on sinus infections was. Impressive. He said most sinus infections are viral, but he gave me 5 days of antibiotic, anyway. I told him I didn't have prescription insurance, so he gave me samples. Fascinating, I know. But, nice. I'm also using Veramist nasal spray, Astapro nasal spray, Claritin-D. When I went to fill my prescription for cough med (so I can sleep without drainage, which did work for 6 hours).

I wanted to buy more Claritin-D because I knew I was running low. Not low enough, apparently, because she could only sell me 5 tablets without exceeding my limit for pseudoephedrine products. I know meth use is a terrible epidemic, and if the ingredients are readily available, that makes it easier to make. But, geez, people, your drug dependence is screwing with my sinuses! Plus, meth is yucky. (haha, as if making your own meth using cold medicine isn't a bad enough problem). I would guess people who make it themselves sell it, too. But, I don't know. More on that subject, I heard an author speaking about meth use in the midwest. He told the very tragic story of a guy who made meth in his house. Accidentally set his house on fire. Was burned. When police came, he asked them to shoot him. They didn't. He lived. Has no fingers. Ugh. SO sad. And, now is back on meth. UGH, so sad. So grateful to be sober!!! Thank you, God and Universe.

I googled meth use biography ohio and got this book review. I think this is the book. Another blogger. Hello, other blogger. Is your mom the only person who reads your blog, too? (And BMM, thank you for your patronage).

Had lessons with DID and DIT, yesterday. I had warned DID via facebook that I might be a little vulnerable. I don't know if he had read it before our lesson or not, but he was nice. And, although I felt like I was starting over cha cha at times, I also felt some improvement. I have a hard time telling what are rubber-bandy arms and what are too loose or too stiff. I NEED SOMEONE WITH WHOM I CAN PRACTICE.

Lesson with DIT was also fun. Tried the dress. I am going to rip and sew a slit up the right side to show off particular parts of the routine. Thinking about getting a new sewing machine.
Any product suggestions? Maybe google ads will give me some. The hug is actually get a lot better. It looks good. It's just getting out of the hug I am having a hard time with. I get my foot stuck on DIT's foot or I look silly taking my arms overhead. We are starting to add arms styling, one of which is me running my hand across his chest. Just seems silly and weird to me. But, he's the teacher, and I will defer to his expertise. DIT is so sweet. I don't think I have ever seen him even get irritated. And it doesn't seem like he's faking being happy. He said sometimes he does feel grumpy. He must be able to get out of it pretty quickly. Unlike DID and I - M O O D Y.
BH is moody, too!

Hank's been sleeping on his mattress at night. He fell off one night, and I put him back in our bed because he was irritated and I wanted to go back to sleep. I mentioned moving back downstairs to Brad. We could use the upstairs as an office/rec room. Put the tv and sofa up there, in addition to our desks. We could use the armoir thing as a divider. Wow, that is a good idea. We need to update the electrical and put in insulation if we move down here, though.

Anyone know a cheap electrician? Probably not. The guy we used to wire the shed, who did a great job, BTW, was not a full-blown electrician. I.e., he was supposed to work under someone else's supervision. Of course, to get there requires a certain number of hours working under the head electrician for quite a bit less money. He was doing that, too to get his hours in. I saw him on the news getting busted for placing an ad on craigslist. Fox news, I'm sure. I understand the reason the law is in place, but if an individual decides to use a craftsman, he should be allowed to choose him, knowing how qualified (or un) he is. Maybe our guy is full-blown, now.

I know, this is a boring post today. Well, no news is good news.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


I organized my flickr photos better this morning. Important stuff.
Woke up too early due to my sinuses running.
I feel fine. May go back to doc to see if antibiotic is actually working.
See if this works. Remember, it's an archive. EVERYTHING including the dog's dog and the dog's kitchen sink are there.

Annoyed with myself that I am letting what I think someone else's feelings about me are is occupying my thoughts and feelings. Reminder: do not yell at self to tell self to stop thinking about something. Dear Meredith, You are ok. You are doing the best you can. I like you. You are nice. Take care of me. Don't yell at me. Love, Self.

Get to have lessons with DIT and DID, today. Going to try out the rumba dress a little.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

without don henley

Last night made a little progress by just withdrawing when BH was in a mood. Without airing all our dirty laundry, this is the same place we have been since before we got married. It occurred to me this morning, beyond staying adult, which is going a little further than withdrawing, although in the moment I think I was relatively adult last night, I can be an advocate. It is challenging to stay adult and to not take it personally. However, I think I can do that. Beyond just struggling to stay in the present is, what does BH need from another person? It is clearer than ever that it is not about me, and is very much like -ism. The Jekyll and Hyde description from the Book comes to mind. And the Lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock for some reason. "That is not what I meant at all, that is not it at all." That's all I wanted to process with you, world.

In other news, read some of the Positive Discipline book during Hank's nap yesterday. Decided to put him on his mattress after he fell asleep last night. He is still there.
I was worried I was doing something to reinforce whining or eating cookies for lunch, but I don't think I am. Just like with the other situation, stay present, and don't take it personally. Oh, yeah, and be loving. I think I can do that, too.

Started a new bone health class at the J, yesterday. Seems like it will be a challenging and fun group. Also going to start back with the NC traveler next week - 2x/week.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Latin Music and Dance Notes

Been meaning to make note of these things for future reference:
From the Capitol City Salsa Festival - Dancers and Dance Groups I enjoyed:
Majesty in Motion from San Diego - super polished, I saw 2 couples
Salsa Y Control from Boston: didn't get to see them, but I heard they are awesome
Mi Ritmo Dance Company from Mexico: fun and raunchy super fast salsa dancing
Yamulee Dance Company from Bronx, NY
Paladium Mambo Legends: Freddy Rios and Mike Ramos: WOW
Connally HS Latin Dance: missed them, but saw them getting ready. They looked 25
Semeneya Dance Company from San Antonio: big troupe
reKreation Dance Company from Houston: huge group of kids hip hop influence
Jazzy Dance Company from Austin: DID and company. They were so awesome. Their spins and costumes. I like the song, too. It sounded familiar. I will ask DID what it was.
Troy Anthony was MC, but apparently he dances with his wife, Jorjet. She danced with another partner. They have a son about Hank's age. I think they live in New Orleans.
Oliver Pineda from Sydney: He did a barefoot solo. He was amazing.

Notes from Latin Music Series on PBS: (I probably have many names misspelled)
Enjoyed the first 2 installments the most - the birth and history of mambo and salsa

Mambo and Afro Cuban Music = "Jazz on Top/Traditional Cuban rhythyms on bottom"

I had not considered the African roots from recent history that permeate Cuba. People who look "black" to me, speak Spanish, and seem "Latino" to me that are Cuban. I was a little puzzled as to why Cuban and Puerto Rican immigrants in the 1950's congregated in NYC. Why not somewhere closer, like Florida? Was there more discrimination and less of a community established there at that time? Due to travel options by boat? It seems, although the rest of the country was still backwards and segregated, in certain neighborhoods in New York City, e.g. El Bario, "minorities" were able to live relatively freely, although, in pretty much poverty. And it seems there was an acceptance between the African and Latin ethnicities. And then us whiteys wanted in on it at the Palladium. Midtown Manhattan nightclub frequently by celebrities and the origins of the mambo (salsa "on 2")

Song Watermelon Man - Mongo Santamarin
Song Boogaloo Blues - Johnny Colon
"Boogaloo" as origin of salsa music
Song I like it like that - Pete Rodriguez
Song El Malo - Willie Colon, trombonist, cool, young kid from El Bario, NY, now a producer
lots of funny record covers playing up "gangster"
Singer Hector Lavoe - died from AIDS 1993 - an interesting voice that sits well among the instruments for salsa - timbales, trombones, congas, clave. I guess he was a heroin addict. I guess that is how he got HIV - from intravenous drug use. He wore super 1970's suits, and looked kind of dorky, but in a cool way.
Cuatro player Yomo Toro made Christmas album, La Muerca with Willie Colon
Bill Graham - Jewish musician and dancer

Barbara Craddock - original Mambo dancer
Millie Donay - original Mambo dancer
Cuban Pete - original Mambo dancer, Roy Hernandez reminds me of him
Auggie Rodriguez and Margo Pato Ronay? - original Mambo dancers

Jerry Masuchi - founder of Fania Record label - assembled movie - Our Latin Thing, Anacaone - La Canterra
I got the sense that it was thought he was kind of a scoundrel, although, they never came out and said it. He died in 1993, "a rich man." Apparently some of the All Stars, including one who had written over 300 hits for the Fania All Stars, had to work a second job as a postman to make a living.
Ruben Blades - Panamanian lawyer turned singer, collaborated with Willie Colon. Has a beautiful voice, and was able to create imagery in Spanish lyrics that people enjoyed and could relate to.
Celia Cruz - Cuban singer later brought into Fania All Stars
Cheetah Club - Fania All Stars - "Birth of Salsa"
Johnny Bachecko
Roberto Rodriguez
Larry Spencer
Barry Roger
Reynaldo Jorge
Adalberto Santiago
Hector Lavoe
Roberto Roena
Johnny Pacheo
Orestes Vilato
Bobby Cruz
Santos Colon
Cheo Feliciano

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Hello, World in November

Been busy with sick Hank, sick me, lots of personal training, cleaning, cooking. I think that about covers it. Oh, and reading any and every trashy magazine with anything related to Robert Pattinson or Twilight or Kristen Stewart. And fantasizing that I am the one and only fan that would not be irritating. I won't scream, I promise!

Regarding the recent tragedy at Fort Hood, I saw the breaking news broadcast and was so incredulous and sad. I said, "geezzzus!" And Hank said, "geezzzus!" Not at all funny, but kind of funny Hank picked that word to repeat. I tried to get him to say, "shit," yesterday, but no go. Don't worry, CPS, I won't be doing that, anymore!

Not pregnant. Kind of glad I don't happen to be pregnant this month so I don't just look fat for Showcase, but it wouldn't have been too fat. I would have just had some breasts.
The thing about the tank top is, I am not worried it's TOO sexy. I am worried mine doesn't look sexy at all! They went away I am telling you. This is prepubescent bs! OK, I'm fine. Not a big deal in the Universe. Just a very very minor irritation that was caused by the greatest Joy in my life. No Big Deal!

Can't wait for New Moon. Downloaded Midnight Sun (first 12 chapters). It can't be printed! LAME. I was able to print 2 chapters off some crazy site, but it took 9 million years, and I was getting grey hair. Those 2 chapters were great, though.

Really going to try to get to deja vu tomorrow night. Wanted to go last week, but was too tired.
I think I am done being irritated with DPB about not going. He's got his own stuff going on. Not about me AT ALL. And I really really really don't like it when I allow an irritation to come out sideways. Plus, it's a delusion men and women can be good friends. It's true if a man wants to be good friends with a woman, it's because he hopes, someday, they'll have sex. I know I have blabbed about this a lot, but it's an old idea I keep taking back. I, as a woman, can be friends with anyone, but if a man doesn't want to have sex with you, and he is straight, he is not going to spend very much time or energy on you. I don't think that one is right and one is wrong, I just think we are two different animals that sometimes communicate on some level that satisfies each of us. The rest of the time, we are puzzled with each other. I think Brad still thinks I can read his mind. "You have to verbalize your wants and needs. I don't know what they are from moment to moment." I know what the look of blankness usually means, but I don't know where it's coming from or what I should do differently, per se.

Dear XY's, we XX's need to be told, in words, what you want, what you need. I know we can't expect to hear how you feel, but maybe a happy or sad from time to time. We also need you to tell us the same things over and over again, because we forgot. Yes, you proposed, and that means you wanted to marry us, but in our minds, you could be fantasizing about divorce or anything other than being married to us since about 1 week after we got back from the honeymoon. Know what I mean? Please, humor us, just a little! We will sincerely try to lay off the waterworks when you say anything that could possibly be considered critical of us or anything in our general vicinity that is a direct reflection of us. : )

I was going to do some dance drills and finish watching The Recruit, which would SUCK without Colin Farrell, BTW. But, I am going to sleep. Sleepy!!!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

the Joy of taking appropriate responsibility

Exchanged emails with DID, and I am very impressed with his Maturity and Willingness to learn about himself and me. Not only to make him a more effective instructor, but to lift each of us up to be better Humans. I wrongly assumed he just cringed and wished I would get over it, regarding my being extra-sensitive. I did not sense cringing from his email. He seems genuinely willing to Adapt and Grow. I feel the same way. My "c>::" prompt with him is, "make Dad proud of you," which puts me in this tense and child-like place. Staying present is the key! Duh!

Still feeling grateful I tried to find "egomaniac with an inferiority complex" in the Literature. I still haven't found it, nor have I found anyone who can, but I was reminded of so many gem-mantras. "God is either everything or he is nothing," implying God is with us in the Present, but not in the future or in the past. The reason why those places are cryptic and often painful, at worst, and at best, are diverting our attention away from our Gift - the Present!

Was mindful to stay Present yesterday while walking Hank to get my allergies shots. That objective, in itself, is a meditation. To not verbally chastise myself when I get into the future, or on occasion, the past, is the challenge. Instead, recall Mary Steinhardt. "Isn't that interesting?"

I started writing an erotic novel, which none of you will ever read. It's kind of a special interest erotic novel. I'll be just that cryptic and stop. I told Brad, and he thought I said, "a neurotic novel." I have already written that one. It's called "my blog." Although, I actually do have another one I have started about family vacations in NM. Wrote 3 pages yesterday during Hank's nap.

Looking so forward to the salsa workshop today, practicing with DPB, and seeing the performances tonight!!! Does that count as not being in the Present? I don't think so. I guess the key to looking forward to something is not predicting the outcomes.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Wade in the Water

After going through the litany of songs from gymnastics, ABC, Blackbird, and Yellow Submarine, I sang Swing Low, Sweet Chariot to Hank last night. Don't know why that occurred to me. Of course, I'd like to think it's the alto vocal cords I was born with that Hank likes, but I have read that babies up to a certain age like the sound of their mother's singing even if she is completely tone deaf. And, I know, one of these days, I will hear, "aw, mom!" when I break into song, but right now I am enjoying thinking he is soothed by every note.
He still lets me pick a little on the guitar, too, before he goes for the tuning knobs. I think I'll add some other "old, negro spirituals" to our bedtime set. Is that what we're supposed to call them? Civil War-era African American folk music. How's that? I prefer black and white. I actually prefer whitey for folks like me, but you can't use it in scientific literature (such as this blog).

Looking forward to watching some dancing this weekend at the CCSF. Also, getting to go to a couple of workshops taught by the male world champion. Wonder if he can make me cry? haha.
(No one can MAKE anyone cry. I know). And some social dancing with people I will hopefully never see again. Had ANOTHER replay with DID. We agreed he will say, "stinky feet," when he feels himself transforming into the Hulk when my right arm is too relaxed or not relaxed enough.

Universe, please bring me a neutral dance partner with whom I can practice. Love, Meredith
(Yes, I know you already brought DPB, but because he didn't hear your message, you're gonna have to send another one. Thanks).

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

nothing going on

I always remember Mickey B saying to me, probably around this time of year, "Meredith, you are the only one who doesn't think you have 'hit bottom.'" I imagine him saying the opposite to me, today. "Meredith, you are the only one who thinks there is any drama. There is none." Correct.
I think I just missed reading Twilights and wanted something to think about. Not necessary. And, it's not like I don't have enough to actually DO. I guess escaping in fantasy, be it someone else's or my own, from time to time, withOUT taking hostages, is permitted.

Looking for "egomaniac with an inferiority complex" in a book, and instead was reminded of so many mantras that used to occupy my thoughts..."see what we can pack into the stream of life"..."what can we give, not what can we get"...and one that I think about, still, from time to time, "everyday IS Groundhog Day."

My head is stuffy from the sinus infection that I think has been waxing and waning for weeks and never fully waned. Finally went to doc. Got some prednisone. Look out, dirty house! (Actually, it's already pretty clean).

Monday, October 19, 2009

I'll let you know

when I have a normal dream. Last night I dreamed I went on a long, plastic roller coaster with Mindy Montfort after meeting Diana on a high bridge over Lake Austin where she worked (outside). Then met the actual DA I would be working with. We ate pimento cheese sandwiches on the top floor of the courthouse building. Told me his wife had been arrested in Europe for ordering a fruity drink that had been misinterpreted. Made an escape from an interior subway stand inside a high-rise building. Told them we were in the Swedish music program for children (through high school). Apparently, it was not mean to kids, but they slept like sardines stacked in closely packed containers. Woke up with a foot on my neck...

Despite reasons for, I have decided against DPB being a good DP for moi. My level of attractedness at neutral (neither attracted to, nor repelled by) was the most appealing, but height, skill, and our goals seemed like good reasons. But he has irritated me to the point of thinking it's a bad idea. So, beyond our LB team performance, no more!

In bad news, I keep getting sinus infections!!! Boo.
In good news, Nana is coming back to town!!! Yeah.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

so much to say

Been writing to you a lot, lately, world. Got home from teaching and Hank and Brad were asleep. I ate, showered, and now have what appears to be some free time on my hands. I think the couch is calling my name. I don't want to risk waking anyone up. DIT and his wife came to my weight-lifting class. I am impressed with their core strength! I was very thrilled to have them there. I was nervous, and it was not as good of a class as it usually is. DIT is such a good teacher. I felt goofy teaching in front of him. Silly.
Had a good practice with DPB yesterday, before official practice, and during. We have lots in common. Some of which explain some of his eccentricities. I'm sure he feels the same way about me and mine. There is part in the blues section where I walk backwards, facing him, and am shimmying my shoulders. He is on his knees. I told him I will die if I look at him during that part. I think it's true. It's a character to be played. It will take courage, but I will risk death to try it. We have the choreo down well for the Lindy section. We have most of the blues section, and it's not hard, it's just a matter of getting the timing and steps down. Then, I suppose when we feel bored with all the steps, we add styling. That will be fun, too. Although, having the acoustic version of Layla in my head is driving me a little nuts.
Way to go, Texas, yesterday!!! Colt told Bradford he was praying for him after the game, while he hugged him. Colt also hugged Bob Stoops. Ew. But, so sweet. Texas said it was an honor to play against a man such as Bradford, the Heisman Trophy winner. So humble and magnanimous. I love that. And they did service work this summer. So great. Way to go, Mac Brown!!! Power used for Good!!!

Friday, October 16, 2009

I know what to do...

One is easy, simple, not without effort, but always with a smile, and always leaving me with a smile. One is moody, always changing. One minute everything is fine, the next minute, it's all wrong. One is always authentic and wants to know my authentic self. I can't tell if the other one is or not, or cares about me at all or not. It so straightforward, but I guess the rest of my life is so completely without drama, that I keep wishing the hardware store will finally be stocking bread.
I think another one is trying to quit me entirely, but that just may be my ego with an inferiority complex. Today was good until about an hour ago. Tomorrow get to do lots of dancing. I look forward to that.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Very rough first part of Rumba with DIT with DID talking in background

Had a fun lesson with DID, although I feel like I have no idea how to cha cha, now.
And had a very fun lesson with DIT, afterwards. We are going to take out the hug (wow, it looks silly when I do it!), but the end has a crazy (for me) long pivot turn with us connected, and the ragdoll, which I had never done before today.

it's the B's

I think I have felt like a "normal person" for the last week or so due to getting enough B vitamins.  That's the only variable in my intake that has changed, and it's been easy to do the things I had planned, and leave the house when I intended.  I suppose this, too, shall pass, but I am riding it as long as I can.

Just got some really awesome news.  I get to teach a class at UT in the spring.  An undergraduate class I took as a grad student for my diss - Theories of Substance Abuse Prevention.  Wow.  That is so awesome!!!

Had a lesson with DIT for the 1st time in a couple of weeks.  Took longer to remember the routine, consequently.  And I think we are getting rid of the hug.  Mostly because I am having a hard time getting out of it.  He is so sweet and fun.  Tomorrow a double whammy with DID then DIT.  I am looking forward to it.  (I should say today, because I woke up hungry at 2 am).

I've been bugging DPB to become "official dance partners".  I don't think he's into the idea.  Maybe for obvious reasons, but maybe I am being silly.  I keep fantasizing about how awesome it would be to have a dance partner, and frankly, him in particular.  We practiced together the other day outside regular practice, and it would be so fun to practice with the same person all the time and for free.  He is reasonable and not creepy, and it seems like our strengths and weaknesses are well-balanced.  I am so inclined to force my will on people, though.  I think I need to let it go.

I woke up hungry, but I also woke up thinking when I tell myself, or DID tells me to "relax," it has the opposite effect.  I was kind of tense about not remembering parts of the Rumba, and it did not work to tell myself, "relax!"  It only works to tell myself to "relax" in the same way I would tell Hank to "relax."  I felt plenty relaxed in my consciousness.  I even enjoyed the crazed giddiness of the swim teamers yesterday, but for whatever reason was irritated at myself for the brain farts.

Listening to Bon Iver.  DPB and my friend, Dane, mentioned them regarding ACL, and Dane highly recommended I get the 2 records.  He is awesome.  I was thinking that Dave Matthews' Before These Crowded Streets was the last record I wanted to make-out to before these 2.  "Blood Bank" is seriously hot.  I think the last time I made out to DM was in the year 2000.  That is funny.  Colorado.  I tried to make out with Brad to Bad Company, and he made fun of me.  I could have laughed, but it hurt my feelings.  It was kind of funny.  That was probably in 2003 or 2004.  I remember I wanted to make out with TZ to DM, before I met Brad.  That is pretty funny, too.  Seems like God led me with that record - from CO, to TZ, and all the way to Brad.

Hank reportedly had a "great day" at school on Tuesday, despite crying when I left.  That is the most heart-breaking sensation of all time.  And I had to keep talking myself down off the ledge of heart-break, but I got SO much cleaning done, and saw a client while he was at school, so it was a great 4 hours for both of us.

OK, ate some waffles.  Back to bed!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

back to trugding the road of

So sleepy tonight, then woke right up at 2:00 AM for some reason.  Thinking about my showcase fundraiser, need to get back on the donation solicitation band wagon.  Garage sale - 1 step at a time.  Start with pricing a couple of items each day.  Spending some structured quality time with Hank each day.  I think it's time to move from organic and self-directed play, towards some slightly more formal exposure to different activities.  Gradually, for fun and for free, but with mom as a fun leader/companion.
Finished Breaking Dawn.  Loved the series, but sad it's over.  I find myself drifiting off to sleep dreaming about Edward and Bella.  Looking forward to some where I star as Bella.  : )  I know my subconscious is good for it.  OK, back to sleep.  Still sleepy.  Must be alert for Lindy and Blues practice tomorrow.
Enjoyed having the 95% relaxed Brad on the trip this weekend.
Enjoyed watching high school from a distance and without pain that used to accompany it.  No longing, just peaceful observation and delight.  What a miracle.

Friday, October 09, 2009

in between illnesses, life is good

Just a little complaint that Hank McGermington brings home germs from school, and they have a medium time on him, but realize the party starts when they get home to immune system- compromised mom and dad, and especially mom. They feel like a death bed, but fortunatey only last 2-3 days.
Up in Big D. Played the ESD BBQ Homecoming. I was mistaken, although this class of seniors is graduation in 2010, it is the 2009, 1999, and 1989's we are celebrating this fall. Doesn't seem logical to me, but oh well. The facilities are just fantastic. Like a fancy college campus. Especially in arts and sciences. Good for them. I wish them well. I am super sleepy and am signing off. Back in Austin for Lindy practice at 12 tomorrow.
OK, I am so sleepy!
Finished Breaking Dawn. So excellent. Want MORE!
PS I had a huge epiphany regarding salsa and social partner dancing versus other partner dances. More later. Don't lose any fingergnails, though...

Thursday, October 01, 2009

went well

Trip to MI went well.  Worrying is never worth it.  Although it did make for one pleasant surprise after another.  Flights to MI were great.  I now love Continental Airlines.  Every single employee from the ground crew to the pilot went out of his/her way to be sweet.  So sweet!  Of course, staying at D&D's was great.  More baby-proof than our place.  Mostly because the electronic devices were inaccessible.  They were extremely hospitable.  So much more than I am.  (Progress, not perfection).  Of course, the wedding was great.  Hank and I walked around the front yard during the ceremony, but the rest of the time, he went with the flow.  I was irked, but should have been glad, he was mostly more content to sit with an uncle than with me.  Went to a neat event downtown on Sunday.  I had a hypoglycemic fugue, but once I decided to eat some of Hank's snacks, I was fine.  Brad and I enjoyed ourselves, wink wink, nudge nudge.  I feel like I am already pregnant, but am probably just having PMS.  Had a dark mental cloud removed last night at my lesson with DIT.  He is the opposite of moody.  Almost finished reading Eclipse, the 3rd in the Twilight series.  LOVE IT.  Robert Pattinson is so yummy.  The gal who plays Bella is cute, too.  I'm not sure I want to see the movie, though.  Right now, I have my own images, and I don't want them ruined.  MAYBE after I finish Breaking Dawn.  Sometime next week?  I don't think I have ever been able to stay up late reading until these books.  Millions of teenaged girls were dead on!  Off to ride the bike and finish reading!!!  Love

Thursday, September 24, 2009

actually went

Went to "The Fed."  So proud of myself for actually going, and grateful DPB and his GF escorted me.  Now, I feel very comfortable to go by myself.  Lindy and swing are smiley dances.  I can't help but smile the whole time.  Especially Lindy.  Especially dancing with DPB.  When we do a swing-out, especially to open, there is so much tangential force, it's like a very powerful merry-go-round.  So much more fun even than a backspot turn.  Next time I'll go by myself and ask people to dance I don't know!  I know, wild.  It was funny DPB told me he and his GF had been dating "off and on" for a while after I asked how they met.  He didn't need to include the off detail.  But, only a man would not think that was weird.  He was so sweet and attentive to see that she was ok if he wasn't dancing with her.  I can't believe he's not married.  Maybe he has a 3rd nipple.  Just kidding.  He seems like Brad in that he is all things wonderful.  And, he dances!  Brad is still all things wonderful even though he refuses to even try dancing.  That makes me sad because I think he would like it (especially swing and lindy), and I think it would be good for us, but I need to respect his desire and lack of.  I don't think there are many things I wouldn't try once.  I will try to think of something.  I don't want to try juggling with fire.  I don't want to try eating insects.  Hm, that's about all I can think of.

actually going

If all goes as planned, I am going to the Fed (Women's Federation) tonight to Lindy and swing.  I've planned to go about 8 times, and I always decide to go to sleep instead.  This time, I found someone who agreed to pick me up, and I don't have to get up early tomorrow, or function much, as we will be flying most of the day.
Had a fun lesson with DID today.  He was a couple of minutes late, which I didn't even notice until he said so, but it put him in a humble and sweet mood.  I made many of the mistakes I always make that usually bug him, and he just either said that's ok, or corrected me in a nice way, or let them go entirely.  I am starting to feel a little more coordinated at waltz.  Of course, we have done very few figures, but the heel toe, toe, toe heel for forward, and toe heel, toe, toe heel for going backwards and switching in between is challenging.  I suppose it becomes a no brainer, eventually.  Then we did some two-step, which is also feeling a little better.  Seems like we got a little of that rubber band thing going on these things that are similar to cross-over breaks, to me, but move down the line of dance.  I wish I could get DPB to practice 2-step with me a lot.  I think we should become amateur partners and climb our way up to the ladder of masters champions.  I don't even know if they have masters like in running, I am just assuming we would have to get pretty old to become champions.  I also wish he would do Latin with me.  Gary was very sweet and encouraged me after our lesson.  I appreciate that.  I appreciate the hospitality of the other instructors there from whom I have never taken a lesson or even a group class.  It's nice they acknowledge peoples' presence.  I always try to do that at the J, too.
DPB is bringing his lady friend to the Fed.  I was going to have a lady friend of my own (who likes ladies) but she had last minute other plans.  So, instead it will be me, and mom and dad.  That's cool.
Almost finishing packing for MI.  We are going SUPER minimalist with only one suitcase total, one backpack, and the car seat.  I have snacks packed for HH, and most of our quart-sized baggies packed.  What a pain in the neck those terrorists have caused.  Killing innocents and annoying the rest of us.  I would be extremely inconvenienced if it meant we would actually be safe, but I doubt that the baggies are keeping us any safer than we were before 9/11. 

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

funny blues practice

Had a lesson with DIT and DPB for the first part of the blues part of the lindy/blues routine since I am going to miss practice on Saturday.  I am getting a little better, at least internally, about full body contact.  DPB is extremely unweird and uncreepy.  It is me who is weird and creepy.  haha.  It's the "act as if" phenomenon at work, for me (probably plus some pheromones and some astrological convergence).  Like I have mentioned, I don't think the arms in salsa are particularly sexy, especially what the guy does, but touching his shoulder and running my hand down his arm, whoever he is, with the right he, on repeat, makes something physiological happen to me.  I know I have self-control, and it's not like it's an uncontrollable desire, but take my body, and my brain follows.  Works for and against me.
Feeling a little calmer about going MI.  BH surprised me by taking off today and tomorrow before we leave.  He wants to study, but he is going to pick up Hank from school so that he can see the school, and I can stay at my bonus lesson with DID until the end of the hour.  I have a desire to confess my crazy thoughts to DID, but I don't think he cares, and I don't know if it would make it worse or better.
DPB, CS-D, and I are going to the Fed tomorrow night.  I don't have to set my alarm to wake up early tomorrow or Friday.  Woo Hoo!!!  I will probably be up by 5:30 tomorrow, but I could lie there as long as I want to.
The funny thing that happened at our lesson is that there is a part where I take DPB by his tie and walk in front of him, kind of slowly, with attitude, Dee said, and DPB said "that's hot."  I think he was kidding, but I did start blushing.  I said I had never done that before to anyone.  He and DIT laughed and said "someone has homework."  BH will, theoretically, be wearing a tie on Saturday.  I am hoping at least someone, be it Dawn, Dave, Katy, Dylann, Amy, Jeff, anyone, will entertain Hank for a few minutes to give BH and I some alone time.  It's been at least a couple of months, probably longer.  This puzzles me greatly.  Don't all men want to have sex as often as possible?  I'm all about putting on a tantalizing outfit, but Lord, let him start the ignition.  Or at least get out the driving directions.  Or type in mapquest.  I'll take it from there.  It doesn't take very long.  30 minutes from start to finish?  It's not like I need an hour of foreplay or anything.  A couple of sentences phrased in a certain way is plenty.  Sorry to get lewd, but holy cow, I get exasperated.  Help!
At the same time, I am enjoying having my body back!!!  If we aren't trying very hard to get me pregnant, I will probably end up pregnant.  I don't believe God micromanages my ovulation.  Unfortunately, I am stealthier than I was prepregnancy.  Oh, I don't know if it's unfortunate or not.  It annoys me, but they felt enormous to me while pregnant and nursing.  Now, I feel like I have my high school body, again.  Although, 20 pounds denser.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


feeling tired lately. the only things I want to do are cuddle (with anyone in my house), dance, sleep. going to take some iron and B12. love the rain. took Hank to school. going to exercise and nap after my client.
I decided my gross generalization about physical contact and women and dancing is, women interpret close, physical contact as emotional intimacy. men don't. even if the contact is non-sexual, we, subconsciously, start receiving it as emotional closeness. that explains why I am so freaky. not freaky like black people mean. (I still want to find out exactly what that is). but freaky about touching. because it means more than he thinks it does, whoever he is. but, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, right? I don't believe that for a second, but I'll go with it.
worried about going to MI. mostly the plane ride. I think I already mentioned that. well, still worried.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

long week

This week felt like at least 2 weeks. Hank started "school." He cries when I leave, but they say he has fun. It's 4 hours, 2x/week. I plan to work 2-3 hours at the J or here once I know he's doing well there, consistently.
Had a sad lesson with DID, yesterday. God bless him. I think he and Brad are similar in that when I cry, or any woman cries for that matter, they are absolutely mortified and have no idea how to stop it, and they want it to stop immediately. I still did not become assertive until after I got upset. The second half of the lesson was fun like normal. At the end I noticed I was kind of hunched over and stood up tall when I told him he didn't have to baby me because I am a grown woman. I forget from time to time.
I am determined to stick with it with him, because I believe if I can get to the point of assertiveness when I am not enjoying his behavior, it will be a giant leap for me.
Doing the rumba with DIT is fun. There is a hug thing in the middle. I guess it's not a hug, but it's pretty intimate. DIT is super patient, and I am trying very hard not to complain about it being "too sexy." I am still struggling with that whole thing. I think the thing that I am stuck on is this: a woman does her part with styling or whatever to be sexy. She is not going to have sex with everyone she's dancing with, so it's just supposed to be titilating? That seems obnoxious to me. Like, here's what you can't have. And potentially, the guy is doing the same thing. I guess people have self-control, but why always try to be extra sexy. That bugs me.

There is a photo shoot party at my dance place, tonight. They said they will stage pictures from group classes and private lessons. I asked my friend if I should cry in one of the private lesson pictures. That was hilarious.

Going to MI next weekend. I am worried about the plane ride. Never been bothered before. I guess it's because Hank will be with us. Don't want to pass that anxiety on to him. I also have anxiety about being stuck there, trapped with no solitude.

High holy days start today. Several weekends I don't have to teach at the J. I'm looking forward to trying to sleep past 6:30 on Sundays.

Watched The Wrestler over the past week. Wow. It was very well done, very powerful, very heart-breaking. Mickey Rourke. Wow. And Marissa Tomei. Wow. She looked gorgeous, and was supposed to look "old for a stripper."

Practicing for my ESD show. My fingers remember some things, but I am going to bring the lyrics because my brain remembers less. And I decided not to do the Houston dance comp in Oct, but will shoot for one in Dallas in Nov. Also, just going to do 3 dances instead of 5. I just want the experience to start. Waltz is so much harder than I thought it would be. And I can't go to classes really, right now with Brad in school, so I don't have much way to practice with a partner except at lessons.

DID said I seem anxious and tense, and I am "working too hard." That made me really lose it because I said, if I can get out of my head for even a few minutes while dancing this intimate dance, that is a success. My anxiety has gone down exponentially in sobriety, but I can still see why I drank, every now and then. Like with dancing. I am SO grateful I am not drinking because I don't think I would be able to show my face there on the "day after." I can't imagine who all I would try to make out with. Thank you, God I don't have to do that!!!

Coaching at Canyon Creek a fall season. I started out loving the kids, and now some bug me. Fart jokes and opposite answers to questions get old. I don't like being adversarial. Let's just practice our skills! The girls are mostly aiming to please in every way all the time. It's funny. The boys may have a desire to please, but can't resist the urge to be stupidly silly. I guess I should be more empathetic because I can rarely resist the urge to be sarcastic, myself. The difference is, I am hilarious.

First Draft of Lindy Part

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

guerillas and tigers

I remember in middle school being confused hearing about guerilla warfare in Central America. (Why are people fighting with gorillas)? Yesterday I had the radio on and heard something about the Tamil Tigers in Sri Lanka, and I thought about them being tigers instead of people.

Friday, August 28, 2009

no news good news

Not much new except my mammary glands are shrinking back to their normally stealthy, pre-pregnacy, post-nursing state. It took about a week for them to cool it. O U C H. I was disappointed in this whole "reproductive process" with the pregnancy, birth, weaning pain thing. Oh, the kid's worth it. I guess. (Times 1 million!!!, and the quotation marks are supposed to be hilarious).
Drove to Gonzales, TX to get some dancing boots. They are SOOOOOO pretty. DID and I are going to do a C&W competition in Houston on Oct 10. I am playing at the ESD alumni BBQ reunion on Oct 9 in Dallas, so it's going to be a B U S Y weekend. We did some 2-step on Wednesday, and doing it in 3" Latin shoes is not very easy. I think these will be very adaptive. And, we're doing a cha cha, east coast swing, and waltz for sure. If I learn fast, we'll do triple two, also, and I could possibly get a placement.
Apparently, DID's first C&W competition didn't go great. I am looking at it more casually than my first triathlon (which I did enjoy on a purely spiritual level in my aerobars riding through the rain feeling like Lori Bowden, laughing through the run. Ouch transition...awkward...). Yes, I will do my best, but I feel very calm about it, and looking forward to it for 100% fun. First triathlon did something vaguely resembling breast stroke to avoid having to look into the scary Texas Lake - for 800 meters! I don't feel like I'll have to hold my breath through any of the dance competition. 100% fun. Hell, 110%!
Going to get off the computer to practice dancing.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

still crazy

For some reason my blogger was instantly translating into Hindi...
Realized I was in the middle of serious people pleasing with DID. Must be because he reminds me of dad. Decided to do a Rumba with DIT and the Cha Cha freestyle with DID (like the salsa one with other couples dancing at the same time). And I am going to do the Lindy/Blues team. I agonized over the decision, and I still feel guilty about it. It's my money, and I should take lessons from whomever I feel like. I am very loyal. And I guess the flip-side is I regrettably hold grudges. I realized the other day I am still irritated with my cousin for not intervening more at White Water when someone took my bikini top off. She didn't take it off. I don't remember who did. I was MORTIFIED, and I remember her laughing and pointing with the other people who saw. I was 12. Going to try to let that one go. And this one, too.
Having a hard time leaving the house, lately. Don't know why.
Supposed to go to the Hilton downtown tonight with BH. We are going to take the kid due to a change in babysitting arrangements. Hank woke up at 4:30 am this morning, and just started napping at 9 am. He woke up at 10 and Brad went and got him. He fell right back asleep listening to my new favorite song, "That Look You Give That Guy."
I guess he and Brad are both asleep, now.
I am going to Lindy class at 3 pm no matter how I feel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Lamento Boliviano

Been looking for this Bachata, and my salsera friend, Becca knew exactly what I was talking about. I looked up the lyrics, then went to yahoo babelfish, and this is what I got. I love poor translations. They make laugh me hardly.

They want to me to shake
they insitan to me to shout
I am as a rock words does not touch to me
inside there is a volcano
that soon it is going to explode
I want to be calm…

A desolation is my situation
I am like a moan, Bolivian moan
that a day empezo and is not going to finish
and to nobody makes damage…

And I am here
drunkard and crazy person
and my stupid heart
it will always shine
and I landed on water to you
I landed on water to you by always
baby you do not comb to you in the bed
that the travelers are going away to be slow…

And I am here
drunkard and crazy person
and my stupid heart
it will always shine
and I landed on water to you
I landed on water to you by always
baby you do not comb to you in the bed
that the travelers are going away to be slow

And I am here
drunkard and locoy my stupid heart
he will always shine
and I landed on water to you
I landed on water to you by always baby you do not comb to you in the bed

Sunday, August 02, 2009


woke up worrying. I never believed in insomnia until I started having it. just like I never believed in alcoholism until I came down with a bad case of it. I remember the first time I had insomnia, which may not have been the first time, but the first time I remember. I was staying at Brad's while we were dating. I woke up worrying about not being able to teach conditioning swimming - like I lacked the ability. I cried, and he comforted me. how sweet. I think that was the last time he comforted me while I cried. haha. well, them's the breaks. I hate to admit that one persistent cause of my insomnia is lack of spousal approval. of course, the cause is intermittent, so is the condition.
I read in that David Deida book about men for men with a few hints about how to figure us gals out, that men should let us know they approve of us. it's what we want. geez, that bugs me, but it's true. and not just Brad's approval, but all men. clearly, this is an artifact of pleasing dad. I think men want to please their dads, also. moms approve of the kids' poop, so there is no yearning for approval from mom. not that there aren't exceptions to that one, too.
went to hang out with my parents yesterday to give Brad some alone time. it seemed everyone was having a hard time yesterday. my advice for you fellas is, if you can't give us your uncondtional approval, at least tell us, out loud, what it is that you want. we don't know. don't assume we know. it may seem obvious to you, but unless you tell us, we don't know. plus, mind reading is usually inaccurate, anyway, so even if we think we know what you want, we don't. I thought all men wanted to have a lot of sex. apparently, not true.
I also woke up thinking about Stewart Lupton. I dreamed Brad and I had gone to some crazy Christian prayer service that went on until 3 am. we had left in the middle, but left our car parked in a crowded parking lot in the yard of the house where the service was. while we were trying to get out of the parking lot, I realized Brad had morphed into Stewart Lupton, and I was enjoying hugging his smooth, olive skin. and the car we were driving was built for the UK. just thinking I need to finish/rewrite the melody to the song I have about SL.

watched the first 40 minutes of Babel yesterday while I exercised. so far, I am sorry, but it stinks. maybe the dots connect and it gets better. I'll try to finish watching it at some point. we've had the netflick for about a month, though.
I practiced my turns as DID suggested yesterday upstairs on the wood floor. if I could get past the first 10 minutes of being mortified that anyone was watching me, I might practice at Go Dance where I could see myself in a mirror. I know no one is watching me warm up or practice or whatever, but I feel SO silly and self-conscious when I do. I could take a hint from DID in that he looks in the mirror and practices and doesn't notice if anyone else is in the room.
going to do a Rumba spotlight with DID and a Cha Cha freestyle. AND I am going to be on the Lindy team. the dances with DID will not be any more practice time than I am already doing. the Lindy team practices on Saturday afternoons, but it's just for 2-3 hours in Sept, Oct, and Nov. Brad did withdraw his approval after I mentioned this, but he was the same amount of mad at me he has been since way before I started dancing. his complaint was that all my free time I spend dancing. that is 3-4 hours on Sunday, and 1-2 hours during the week when my parents watch him. this doesn't seem excessive to me, world.
he also wants me to come up with a plan as to how I will contribute to the family. I am still pondering this one. of course, here I am, world, at 5 am spending my free time trying to figure it all out. I think I spend WAY more of my "free" time doing that (wasting?) than anything else. I also obsessively clean. that one seems somewhat adaptive.

I hope I get to pick up DID and DIB from the airport on Tuesday night. I have wanted to talk with them at the same time for a long time. I probably won't get to ask them all I want to, but maybe we can make another dinner date since I cancelled the last one. the German and the Italian said they don't mind if Hank is wandering around during dinner. I just have to figure out what to fix that will be easy enough for me to make, yet unoffensive to the international palettes. I told them I was going to fix bratwurst lasagna. I thought that was a good one, but I am not sure they realized it was a joke.

I just published the post and my google ads came up with one for Kay Bailey. if she gets anywhere near the governor's seat, not that Rick Perry isn't horrible enough, I will suggest cecession, myself, then move! or maybe just cecession for Austin out of Texas into the greater US. that would be the best. Barack Obama, and no Rick Perry.

Friday, July 17, 2009

full lotus

excited I got into full lotus with both my right foot and my left foot on top. know what I mean? I don't know if I've ever been able to do that much less switch feet. I can't keep both ischial tuberosities on the ground with both sides, but I can on one side. exciting!
went to salsa class last night even though around 7 pm, I didn't want to go anymore. glad I went. (thank you to Nana for watching HH). except for stinking up the double r turn about 66% of the time, it was fun. had a fun "dance it out" at the end of class until the dude put his hand on my sacrum which seemed an awful lot like my butt. prior to that incident I had never been creeped out by that dude at all, so maybe it was an accident. maybe.
going to try to make myself go tonight even if at 6:30 pm I don't feel like it.
had to hold a flashlight while BH shoveled a dead cat away from our air conditioning unit out to the street. my part was hard! not really. I didn't have to smell it. ew. it appears our feline friend died from some natural cause. (not maimed or anything). never seen him or her before, though. poor kitty.
going to watch some NBC reruns, ride, and dance!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

week flew

haven't had swim team for the first time in 6 weeks. this week has flown by. yesterday got to take HH to a private swim lesson in Westlake with Coach Don. HH did well, but about 75% of the kids in the classes were crying, and by proximity, I think, HH cried a little. he normally giggles or has his mouth wide open while we are in the water, so I do think it was the power of suggestion. fancy pool - 2 lane lap pool in someone's backyard. stopped by Lost Creek to see Coach Steve. had a nice visit. I do miss swimming there and the kids, but not the kids' bargaining with me (or trying to) and not getting in or getting out when told to. and I saw on some news about recent discoveries in fetal memory. of course, everyone says avoid stress while pregnant. most people wouldn't think coaching a kids' swim team would be stressful. for me it was!!! poor HH can blame his ADD on me [and those kids]!
hoping to get to go to salsa class this evening. hoping to get to go more regularly during the week during BH's break. still trying to start getting things ready for a yard sale. started the first few pages of Lady Chatterly's Lover last night. why have I waited 37 years to read this? so far, it's delightful.
wrote to John Cornyn, Kay Bailey, and oh, that bozo congressman I can't think of his name all of the sudden, to get rid of don't ask don't tell. my favorite recent headline was from the Onion. Congressional repeal of don't ask, don't tell: "don't tell, let us guess." haha.

Monday, July 13, 2009

always passes

it always occurs to me that the blues will never pass when I am in them, and they always do. BH and I had a pleasant weekend. he came home on Friday very playful and chipper. I am sure our playful and chipper versions of ourselves are our favorites. went to a wedding in Bertram on Saturday night. it was very nice. I ate bar b q, though, and that was unpleasant.
Sunday went to the classes I intended, but fell asleep with HH about 8 pm, I think.
no more CCC swim team until the fall, so this week will be a little more relaxing.
hope yours is, too.

facebook page

started a facebook fan page. oh, you already thought I was narcissistic. it couldn't get any worse.
there's some objective information presented here. sometimes.

Friday, July 10, 2009

feeling low

feeling sorry for myself and over-whelmed. if I were a good friend of mine I would say, Meredith, it's ok. you are not going to get it all done today. I hear that you feel lonesome and want more connection time with Brad. just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep doing unto others. marriage is challenging. that is why 50% of them end in divorce. if the gays could marry they could help our rate a little. you are doing the best you can, working 20 hours a week, trying to challenge yourself with dancing, and taking care of Hank. if you can help one person have a better experience on earth, that is a success. you are not going to have a perfectly clean house, a perfect sex life, a perfect balance. no one does. what my default brain says is, get over it, Jesus! that one doesn't work as well.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

indoor pools Austin, TX

I noticed lots of people get hits on this site when they google "indoor pools in Austin." a couple of summers ago, I was lamenting I couldn't find a good one near enough to our house. here's a list of ones I know about: (I don't think any of these have a drop-in option, but I could be wrong).
YMCA Town Lake - I think people like it, but you have to be a member.
Texas Swim Center - awesome, but kind of pricey, bad parking, and not great hours.
24-Hour Fitness Hancock Center - I didn't care for it because people didn't shower before entering after exiting the sauna. theoretically, it would be fine, but it grossed me out. it's a small, 25 m pool (3 or 4 lanes)
Lifetime Fitness - don't know much about it, except it's way northwest. supposed to be neat.
Body Business - don't know much about it, except they use bromine, and some people are allergic.

Those are all I can think of. Lost Creek has early morning masters to avoid the sun. I LOVE swimming there, but it's not practical with the baby and Brad. Many City of Austin pools are free during the summer and have lap swimming beginning at 7 am. Stacy Pool is free and heated year-round and has lap swimming all the time, but it's pretty far south. Barton Springs opens at 5:30 am and is free for some of the morning and late evening.

Please leave me a comment if you have suggestions or more info.


BH won't try dancing. thought I might be able to get him to do Lindy, but no. of course, when we got married, I was a triathlete, and so was he, although he had stopped swimming. I don't ask much for recreational activities. I know he feels overwhelmed with work, etc. won't push it, just feel lonesome. at least Lindy isn't sexy, though. although I think it would be very good for BH and me to do a sexy dance together. it would have some meaning. kind of like having sex to procreate. is that TMI, world? forgive me.
going to a Lindy social dance Saturday night after we go to a wedding in Bertram. going to be a long day because CCC has their last meet, and I have to be there at 6 am. I have a lesson in the afternoon, then the wedding, then making myself leave the house to go dance! I don't teach on Sunday morning, just have a client at 11 am. think I can handle that. tonight, I get to go to salsa class and am going to try to stay for at least some of the shines class that starts at 9 pm! ouch. I have clients Friday morning from 5:30-11:30, then a lesson at noon. but then, nothing else. although getting a baby sitter is cutting into my lesson funds. I don't feel like leaving my child with someone for less than $15/hour. you are caring for my precious angel. $9 or $10 an hour means you could just watch tv.
we have 2 weeks off gymnastics due to the AJA school schedule. I hope he can jump right back in. he has really made a lot of progress since we started - socially and physically. yesterday he kept wanting to hang from the bars. he pointed several times to the high bar on the uneven parallel bars, but didn't want us to let go. he swung quite a bit from lower bars, however. he also loves doing assisted back flips/rolls from various equipment. he also likes to hand people things, so he tries to hand the other little kids beanie babies. it makes him look very generous, but I don't think we can go that far in the interpretation. he has warmed up to the head coach quite a bit. I feel bad for the other girls he is still shy towards them. he likes them, I tell them, he's just very cautious. and he still turns around and backs down off anything higher than 6 inches to get down. that is extremely cute.
OK, off to ride and watch so you think you can dance.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

happy birthday, USA

enjoyed practicing my charleston and changing weight while changing feet while letting the hip roll around and back (for Latin). got to take a leisurely shower, too, as BH and HH are asleep.
world, in order to protect the innocent, I can't tell you exactly what thoughts are banging around in my brain. I will say, my mind is like a dark alley, don't go in there alone (that's stolen from double a). and I still have the propensity to become obsessed with people and things. at least not with places. hey, that's progress. I also am very influenced by what is in front of me, so out of sight out of mind is true for me. it's on a little bit of a delay, but it does work. I have and hope to continue to act like I want to act, although my brain keeps telling me something different. it does feel a little like angel vs demon, although, I don't believe in hell or the devil. but if the ism of alcoholism were a demon, it's the ism that is getting me at the moment.
loving learning lindy and charleston and east coast swing. it's not sexy, and it is fun. I am still loving the Latin dancing, but as I have mentioned before, sometimes it feels like a can of gasoline next to an open flame in a room full of pure oxygen. I wonder if I can enjoy that energy without doing something the angelic Meredith doesn't want to do. I am so black and white; this seems like an opportunity to learn how to hang out in the grey area. can She do it???
went to the Mexican American Cultural Center on Thursday for the 1st Thurs Pura Salsa Social. it was neat, but on this rare occasion, not enough boys. and it was HOT in there. Marion, the organizer was very friendly and introduced herself to me. I appreciated that. and I didn't have to dance with a couple of people that I don't care for dancing with. I did not get to dance with everyone I wanted to dance with, but did get some fun in.
this weekend Go Dance is not having classes or deja vu. I already miss it! next Thursday I am going to go to "the Fed," the Women's Federation for their swing night. next Saturday if I can stay up until 9:30 (unlikely), Go Dance is having a lindy/swing/some other unsexy dances social dance.
hoping to get a bunch of junk together to have a yard sale soon. I need to put prices on everything.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

uh oh

Hank's first words with meaning - uh oh. He also says na na na when he wants to nurse or have a drink. And Mahmoud, but that is not related to anything, except that he think Ahmadinejad should step down. Wow, I think I might have spelled that correctly. Arabic is easy!
Have my 3rd lindy lesson this afternoon. Had a lesson with DID yesterday for the first time in a long time. It was pleasant. Challenging in terms of the movements. I turn 8 years old very often around him. I could feel it happening while it was happening. My speech changed, my posture changed. It's the innocence and exuberance of dancing, along with a couple of buttons he can push, but did not push yesterday. Didn't have to tell me to relax my arms. I don't know if he was just being nice, though. Going to the Mexican American Cultural Center tonight for salsa social dance. Have a baby sitter, already.
Enjoying an hour of free time between swim team and my lesson before HH comes back. It's awesome!!!! I mean, I love HH, but we do need breaks from one another. Just as it was adaptive to be with him 24 hours a day right after he was born, it's adaptive for us to take breaks sometimes. I won't be with him 24 hours a day for the rest of his life. We have babies so that they will become adults. It's hard to remember that. So far I feel confident he is going to become an awesome adult.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

deciding to mourn

had a hard time figuring out how much to miss Michael Jackson. decided because he was not convicted of any crimes against children, and many children said he did nothing to them, he is innocent. I imagine, due to his own childhood trauma, he liked cuddling with kids as a way of healing himself. while not very kosher, is not sexual, and not harmful to kids. I love cuddling with Hank, and so does Brad, and we are relatively sane. I imagine some opportunistic parents were greedy and the ball started rolling once they pushed it. he did become a farce, I suppose, with all the plastic surgery, reclusiveness, and the baby over the balcony scene. I can't fault him for those things, either, really not having walked in his extreme fame shoes. I do see where money harmed him more than anything. his drug addiction following the pepsi commercial apparently haunted him until death. he apparently did not have anyone around him to tell him no or "force" him to get real help (through intervention/tough love-type thing). that is the most tragic thing about his life, to me. I heard a beautiful and melancholy version of Billy Jean on KUT on Texas Music Matters on Sunday. it was just a rhythm track and the lead vocal. it sounded like it was done in one take, but I don't know. it was pretty amazing. and, in retrospect, I gladly call him the king of pop purely due to his songwriting, well, and his dancing - both so universally appealing and enjoyed by a cross-cultural, cross-socioeconomic, and cross-racial population. that is pretty special. I am not sure the world needed another tour from him. apparently, he felt he still had something to prove. maybe the Universe was letting him know he didn't need to prove anything else. time to move on.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

stayed out LATE

rememorized the first few lines of Hamlet's to be or not to be soliloquy and got in free to the Go Dance social dance. it was fun. not very well attended, at least not the salsa room, but still got in plenty of dancing. I felt pretty darn relaxed. sometimes I have out of body experiences while I am dancing and hear myself laugh. it's kind of neat. not thinking, just being delighted. DID was in a good humor and humored me by dancing a bachata with me, which I don't know how to do. and 2 salsas which were very fun. it was also neat to watch him salsa with DIB. he was busy. we are going to talk before my lesson next week and figure out how we will communicate with each other. dancing is a strange relationship - physical intimacy and very little emotional intimacy. I suppose for most men this is an ideal relationship. haha. but you XY's are not talkers, and you are sure not feelings talkers. am I wrong?

watched Milk yesterday and today. a great movie. James Franco is hot. I know, I should pay attention to the issues, which I did. it always surprises and disgusts me how we Americans have been so ignorant and oppressive. how did we ever go from fertility goddesses to straight, white, protestant men are in charge? what a terrible idea. I cannot comprehend the intolerance except to say I am intolerant of people who are intolerant. I did not know the history of San Francisco or the assassination of those men. and so disgusting that Dan White got manslaughter. manslaughter is not "accidentally" shooting someone in cold blood.

having a snack and crashing soon.

Friday, June 26, 2009

more lindy

had my second lindy lesson with DIT. DID was there, and it kind of felt like I was cheating on him. DYSfunctional. DIT asked me if DID had ever mentioned I am kind of stiff. hm. yes, he has mentioned that on occasion. it takes me about 45 minutes to warm up/relax. if it didn't mean I would start off all sweaty, I would go run a mile or so before my lesson. I think that would help. part of it is just physically warming up my joints and muscles, and part of it is letting go of anxiety and fear (that I am usually not aware of). I am much less afraid of DIT than DID. but I am determined to have a "normal" relationship with DID. lindy is lots of fun. it's very peppy. and it's NOT sexy. what a relief!
HH has been enjoying gymnastics. I have, too. I got to swing a little on the uneven parallel bars.
the other day I shot baskets in the gym for the 10 unexpected extra minutes I had. it was fun. I'm not very good, but it's a good aerobic workout if you run for the rebounds.
HH and I have been swimming most days. unfortunately, I think he would drink the water every time I let his mouth go under. only 3 dunks/session.
hopefully going to a social dance tomorrow night at Go Dance. we have a swim meet in the morning, so it depends on if I get to take a nap. fingers crossed.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

feeling good

feeling good in general about things. had my lindy lesson on Sunday. it was super fun. and you get to wear tennis shoes. DID and I are cool, now, too, I think. I am going to start back in July.
HH is doing well swimming and in gymnastics class, making progress.
missing BH because he is so bizzy. Sunday, I scheduled some "alone time" for us after he had study time. he thought I meant alone time by ourselves. duh! no, BH, when have I ever scheduled time for us to be by ourselves? alone time as in US alone. I was very tired, though, so it kind of worked out.
saw a documentary - American Experience on Roberto Clemente recently. wow.

Friday, June 19, 2009

dancing pictures

Here are some pictures from the showcase
Raman Evazians is the photographer.

The top one is called the Titanic, the bottom one is called the hammerlock.
Sounds like Salsa dancing, huh?
I'm getting one put on a coffee mug and the other one put on a 11x17 poster.
I bought 4x6's of all the race photos. Only $2 a piece. Much cheaper than Ironman photos. And no weird ones of me trying to get into a wet suit or covered in mud or algae.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

stupidly early

Woke up so early, at some place in my sleep cycle that I wasn't sleepy and was hungry.  (HH)  Got up and ate some Newman O's and got sleepy about 30 minutes before I would have needed to get up.  Figured that would hurt too much to take a  30 minute nap.  Not PG.
Think I can come up with a song re: pain related to dancing.  Dancing is such an obvious, if not schmaltzy, metaphor for life.  I think I can make it work.
Took HH to gymnastics Monday.  He mostly had fun.  He was the youngest one there and, I think, a little overwhelmed by all the activity.  But, he did enjoy doing pullups and jumping on this mini-trampoline with a bar to hold onto.  I realized I still need to work on my post partum, lower abdominal strength, as jumping on the bubble bounce contraption made me pee a little bit.
I want a mini-trampoline for the house (gym) and a large mirror, in case anyone has one s/he is trying to get rid of.

Monday, June 15, 2009

If I already knew

how to fucking dance, I wouldn't need lessons or classes.
Sorry for the colorful language, but I am angry and hurt, and cheap.  Don't want to stop going to my unlimited June classes, but I am not getting what I need at my place, anymore.  For me, group exercise, group dance, private training, and private lessons are about building self-efficacy and skills, and mental and spiritual health.  If I already knew how to dance, I would not need to go to class or take lessons.  Yes, I have been learning how to follow for 8 months, but I am not perfect at it, yet!  I need a break from the hardware store when all I am looking for is a loaf of bread!!!
Taught a group exercise Latin dance class, myself today to a weight loss group.  It was FUN!  And we got sweaty, learned something, had some successes, some challenges.  I have been pretty disciplined about practicing by myself at home.  I can't remember that many patterns, though.  And it is kind of boring.  Anyway, thank you, world, for listening to me emotion-focused cope - vent....  I actually feel better.
Hank and I are going to gymnastics this afternoon. Woot!

Friday, June 12, 2009

same glee?

post showcase and post IM Boerne.
I do think I have a similar expression of glee.
but in the showcase one, I think I look strangely like Lisa Rinna.
and I don't care for her.

la tempestad

Brad was in Cedar Park at school when the tornado was around there.  He said they had to sit in the hall for an hour.  I had planned to go to salsa class, but decided to abort the mission when I saw the radar.  Good call!!!  Heard everyone is OK, too.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

dance when no one is watching

World, for the record, "act as if" works whether you want it to or not.  It has worked for me adaptively, in sobriety, but now has seemed to work for me maladaptively.  Consequently, I am taking a little break from sexy arms, figure 8 hip motion, and wearing high heels outside the house.  Not entirely, but I am going to finish out my unlimited June group classes, then try an extremely unsexy dance - Lindy.  I have money saved for another batch of private lessons,  (proceeds from sale of goods) but I think I will hang on to it, or get laser hair removal.
Hank and I went to Don's mom and me water class yesterday afternoon.  It was fun.  He had fun except when Don helped hoist him up on the giant duck, but that was a very brief upset.  He's not crazy about getting his face wet, but he didn't get pissed off.
Enjoying the CCC team.  Sweet as ever.  A little afraid of what sweet Hank will become around 5 or 6 other boys.  It seems to only take one bad apple to steer the whole bunch into meanness or unnecessary competitiveness.  
Here's another good one: "Dance like no one is watching, unless Brad Pitt is watching."

Monday, June 08, 2009

it takes a Village

in my Wonder Years summation, I will just say that despite my tendency to want to be nurtured by the Vulcan, I got lots of nurturing by all the other people including a big hug from BH afterwards, just like I like it, long and still.  the dancing went pretty well.  I did hit myself in the head with my forearm while turning, but I think I must've been on the back side of the audience because no one I asked saw it.  I wanted to hide so badly before the show, but there was no where to go.  it occurred to me instead of withdrawing to try to help others.  duh!!!  Susi taped my dress to my shoulders, and Liz put my eyelashes on, that was the imperative help I received.  I tried the eyelashes, again, and looked like Lucile Ball in one of the Lucy episodes where her eyelashes are coming off.  I feel a little PSD, but I think that is probably just PMS.  haha.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

so bizzy

Hank's latest thing is to move the trash cans around. I washed them all so that when he also chews on the rim, it's somewhat sanitary. Whenever I talk with my Grandmother on the phone she always tells me she has been very busy.  I don't think she has been, but I think it's adaptive for her to believe she is busy.  And she says, "so bizzy."
Tonight is the adult dance recital.  I guess I should say dance recital for adults.  We are going to have clothes on.  I am looking forward to it, but not looking forward to being there 3 hours before the doors open.  We do a run through of the whole thing before the whole thing.  That will be good.  I think being in a different place will be the thing that weirds me out the most.  And if DID smiles at me funny on the opening bar of our dance.  That makes me laugh.  
Been trying to give my fingernails a French manicure for the past week.  I can see why I rarely paint my fingers or toes.  There is not enough time between coats.  What a luxury problem.
Going to ride the bike and even starting on time!

Friday, June 05, 2009


On one of the last episodes of The Office, Michael and Holly (Michael's fault, of course) made a snafu during their company picnic presentation.  Holly says something cliché about hindsight being 20/20, and Michael says something like, "Yes, we should have had hindsight, and we would not have made that mistake."
Re:the Universe and "signs."  I went on a date with someone who, on the first date told me he didn't like the Beatles, then argued with me about where they played their last big concert (Candlestick Park).  I could have stopped there, because although it might seem trivial, "not liking the Beatles" could have told me plenty about him that we did not need to continue.  We did have some fun together, but he went on to confirm we were not meant to Be by being categorically opposed to adoption, and our senses of humor were not congruous.  Lastly, I didn't get in to the graduate school in the city where he lived.  (Conversely, it seemed like everything Brad said while we were dating was an enormous Yes).
I think there have been a few times when God used weather to keep me safe - ice storms, e.g.  Not that the ice storm came to Dallas because of me (I do have a grandiosity and self-centeredness problem, but not THAT bad), but that I had plans on a day there was an ice storm.  I don't think God does local weather.  If  God did, Austin would be as over-populated as Bejing.
My point is, hindsight does provide knowledge to use in the future decisions.  Not that the Universe has a human's voice, but that Humans guide us to reach our Higher Selves, we just have to reach some level of Attention.  

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Universe, you are funny

Just when I finally got it through my thick skull I don't need other adults' approval, I got some, and in writing, no less.  For some reason it reminds me of when I used to pray for God's will for a romance to be taken out of my life.  I was always afraid he would get struck by lightening.  As if to take him out of my life, God would take him out of everyone's lives.  
I am somewhere in between the Universe/God taking care of every single thing and TJ's Deism, but it seems like sometimes there is more micromanagement than others.

about 10 years apart

Just feeling like listening to myself talk, lately.  Yesterday, sweet Bodie came over for about 3.5 hours.  He was asleep for probably half the time he was here, but the other half, he was not too happy.  I felt terrible for him, as I was not that able to comfort him.  I guess when I can't comfort Hank, I do feel bad, but I just think, well, this is what you got, kid, all my sympathy, love, and knowledge, but this has to work.  Anyway, I do not comprehend how anyone has more than one child.  Only if they are at least 10 years apart.  So funny I have not gotten pregnant.  Funny may be the wrong word.  Would sure be funny if I were, now.  Again, maybe not "funny."  We are trying again, today.  (Bodie, not getting pregnant).  I hope he will be more comfortable here since he has seen the place once.
Today is the first day of CCC team practice for me.  I am looking forward to it.  Then, Marie and Sydney are coming over for lunch.  Then Bodie.  Then I am taking Hank to my parents' later this evening so I can go to one more salsa class.  
Feeling so much more Free about the whole dancing thing.  Like we're supposed to: Happy, Joyous, and Free.  I also realized DID is kind of unpredictable, and think that is another piece of my emotional button.  See, once you have enough therapy under your belt, you don't have to pay someone anymore, you just do it, yourself.  It takes longer, and is probably more unpleasant, but it still works!

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

progress, not perfection

I just saw the video of our whole :110.  I am not going to shame shame shame myself, AGAIN, but holy cow, I have been blindly swirling around in a tornado of people pleasing.  It's an insatiable and fantastical pursuit, and I just told someone the other day, "You can't act on what you think someone else wants you to do!"  1) it's irrelevant, 2) it's impossible, 3) it's not fun, and 4) it's not your Purpose!  No doi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's ok.  I just saw how sad I looked dancing, and it ALL made sense.  Thank you, technology.
A couple of weeks ago, I got to watch a very fancy lady dance with this guy whom I don't care for.  She just handled herself like she does with everyone, true to her Purpose.  I personally don't think it's necessarily sexy, but supposedly, she is the sexiest.  She is DEFINITELY the most skilled.  She just did her thing, let him do his thing (looked annoying and weird, to me), and then it was over.  I don't know if he gives her the creeps, too, or not, but it was inspiring, but with an undefinable aplomb.  Now, I know what it was.  She was being Authentic, and she wasn't trying to please anyone except Her Self.
Yes, DID is the teacher, and he provides information.  But IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE,  or anyone else, THINKS.  I am surprised this flew right past me, but oh, well.  I caught it.  Hooray, just in time to have fun at the showcase.

woke up with morals

Woke up with the morals to the stories in my head.  1.  Being sensitive is not a character defect.  Amy Hodges told me that about 10 years ago.  I am well equipped to guide Hank, who appears, at the age of 16 months, to be sensitive.  I don't want to project my STUFF on to him, but when he comes to me from a place of child-like excitement, (probable, during his childhood) I listen, support, etc...don't shut him down.  2.  Don't go to the hardware store for bread.  This one comes up a lot and is maybe a reminder I need to be going to the "other room"  (when I would do that, I have no idea, but...)  I have made lots of progress on this.  BUT, on one hand, I feel like a turtle, which is not very mature.  I'm just not gonna come out.  On the other hand, I can make informed decisions about with whom I am deeply authentic.  Is it possible to be authentic without showing one's entire hand to everyone?  Maybe not.  I guess I don't know exactly where the boundaries on this one are, but I do know not everyone is "safe."  It bugs me people I want to be safe are not.  That's just one of those things.  Can't always git what you want.  It's childlike to think or act like everyone IS safe.  Not reality.  3.  My experiences can benefit others.  I have seen that lots of times with the little kids and water/swimming/being scared.  There was a little girl at meet the coaches who was breaking all of our hearts.  Her parents weren't being mean, they were just being clueless.  She did NOT want to go in the deep water.  She didn't want to be on the swim team.  The mom got in with her with all her clothes on.  The dad was already in with her.  That was pretty humane, but the little girl was barely floating, vertically in the water, crying, and was not swimming.  All the coaches talked with her and her parents at different times during the whole thing.  My gift is with the little girl.  Jeanne was very good with the parents.  Don is good with both.  

Looks like we are not having bootcamp, again.  We preemptively cancelled last week for rain.  Now, it's raining, so I will send out an early-morning email.  I am sure Bob will assume he can sleep-in after seeing the lightening.  : )

I started new client a few weeks ago who has been very weepy each time I have seen her.  I felt very sympathetic towards her.  Although she had been through a LOT of physical and health stuff to which I could not relate, I had been where she was in terms of self-talk.  I am NOT the poster child for adaptive self-talk, but, again, I have made progress.  When you say, "this is my bad side," it is true no matter how founded in physical reality; it's your bad side.  You don't have to lie to yourself, but you can say something more adaptive to move towards progress.  "This side is very challenging."  Something along those lines.  
I am sensitive;  It's a character asset that is sometimes challenging.  How's that?