Sunday, August 02, 2009


woke up worrying. I never believed in insomnia until I started having it. just like I never believed in alcoholism until I came down with a bad case of it. I remember the first time I had insomnia, which may not have been the first time, but the first time I remember. I was staying at Brad's while we were dating. I woke up worrying about not being able to teach conditioning swimming - like I lacked the ability. I cried, and he comforted me. how sweet. I think that was the last time he comforted me while I cried. haha. well, them's the breaks. I hate to admit that one persistent cause of my insomnia is lack of spousal approval. of course, the cause is intermittent, so is the condition.
I read in that David Deida book about men for men with a few hints about how to figure us gals out, that men should let us know they approve of us. it's what we want. geez, that bugs me, but it's true. and not just Brad's approval, but all men. clearly, this is an artifact of pleasing dad. I think men want to please their dads, also. moms approve of the kids' poop, so there is no yearning for approval from mom. not that there aren't exceptions to that one, too.
went to hang out with my parents yesterday to give Brad some alone time. it seemed everyone was having a hard time yesterday. my advice for you fellas is, if you can't give us your uncondtional approval, at least tell us, out loud, what it is that you want. we don't know. don't assume we know. it may seem obvious to you, but unless you tell us, we don't know. plus, mind reading is usually inaccurate, anyway, so even if we think we know what you want, we don't. I thought all men wanted to have a lot of sex. apparently, not true.
I also woke up thinking about Stewart Lupton. I dreamed Brad and I had gone to some crazy Christian prayer service that went on until 3 am. we had left in the middle, but left our car parked in a crowded parking lot in the yard of the house where the service was. while we were trying to get out of the parking lot, I realized Brad had morphed into Stewart Lupton, and I was enjoying hugging his smooth, olive skin. and the car we were driving was built for the UK. just thinking I need to finish/rewrite the melody to the song I have about SL.

watched the first 40 minutes of Babel yesterday while I exercised. so far, I am sorry, but it stinks. maybe the dots connect and it gets better. I'll try to finish watching it at some point. we've had the netflick for about a month, though.
I practiced my turns as DID suggested yesterday upstairs on the wood floor. if I could get past the first 10 minutes of being mortified that anyone was watching me, I might practice at Go Dance where I could see myself in a mirror. I know no one is watching me warm up or practice or whatever, but I feel SO silly and self-conscious when I do. I could take a hint from DID in that he looks in the mirror and practices and doesn't notice if anyone else is in the room.
going to do a Rumba spotlight with DID and a Cha Cha freestyle. AND I am going to be on the Lindy team. the dances with DID will not be any more practice time than I am already doing. the Lindy team practices on Saturday afternoons, but it's just for 2-3 hours in Sept, Oct, and Nov. Brad did withdraw his approval after I mentioned this, but he was the same amount of mad at me he has been since way before I started dancing. his complaint was that all my free time I spend dancing. that is 3-4 hours on Sunday, and 1-2 hours during the week when my parents watch him. this doesn't seem excessive to me, world.
he also wants me to come up with a plan as to how I will contribute to the family. I am still pondering this one. of course, here I am, world, at 5 am spending my free time trying to figure it all out. I think I spend WAY more of my "free" time doing that (wasting?) than anything else. I also obsessively clean. that one seems somewhat adaptive.

I hope I get to pick up DID and DIB from the airport on Tuesday night. I have wanted to talk with them at the same time for a long time. I probably won't get to ask them all I want to, but maybe we can make another dinner date since I cancelled the last one. the German and the Italian said they don't mind if Hank is wandering around during dinner. I just have to figure out what to fix that will be easy enough for me to make, yet unoffensive to the international palettes. I told them I was going to fix bratwurst lasagna. I thought that was a good one, but I am not sure they realized it was a joke.

I just published the post and my google ads came up with one for Kay Bailey. if she gets anywhere near the governor's seat, not that Rick Perry isn't horrible enough, I will suggest cecession, myself, then move! or maybe just cecession for Austin out of Texas into the greater US. that would be the best. Barack Obama, and no Rick Perry.

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