Thursday, September 24, 2009

actually went

Went to "The Fed."  So proud of myself for actually going, and grateful DPB and his GF escorted me.  Now, I feel very comfortable to go by myself.  Lindy and swing are smiley dances.  I can't help but smile the whole time.  Especially Lindy.  Especially dancing with DPB.  When we do a swing-out, especially to open, there is so much tangential force, it's like a very powerful merry-go-round.  So much more fun even than a backspot turn.  Next time I'll go by myself and ask people to dance I don't know!  I know, wild.  It was funny DPB told me he and his GF had been dating "off and on" for a while after I asked how they met.  He didn't need to include the off detail.  But, only a man would not think that was weird.  He was so sweet and attentive to see that she was ok if he wasn't dancing with her.  I can't believe he's not married.  Maybe he has a 3rd nipple.  Just kidding.  He seems like Brad in that he is all things wonderful.  And, he dances!  Brad is still all things wonderful even though he refuses to even try dancing.  That makes me sad because I think he would like it (especially swing and lindy), and I think it would be good for us, but I need to respect his desire and lack of.  I don't think there are many things I wouldn't try once.  I will try to think of something.  I don't want to try juggling with fire.  I don't want to try eating insects.  Hm, that's about all I can think of.

actually going

If all goes as planned, I am going to the Fed (Women's Federation) tonight to Lindy and swing.  I've planned to go about 8 times, and I always decide to go to sleep instead.  This time, I found someone who agreed to pick me up, and I don't have to get up early tomorrow, or function much, as we will be flying most of the day.
Had a fun lesson with DID today.  He was a couple of minutes late, which I didn't even notice until he said so, but it put him in a humble and sweet mood.  I made many of the mistakes I always make that usually bug him, and he just either said that's ok, or corrected me in a nice way, or let them go entirely.  I am starting to feel a little more coordinated at waltz.  Of course, we have done very few figures, but the heel toe, toe, toe heel for forward, and toe heel, toe, toe heel for going backwards and switching in between is challenging.  I suppose it becomes a no brainer, eventually.  Then we did some two-step, which is also feeling a little better.  Seems like we got a little of that rubber band thing going on these things that are similar to cross-over breaks, to me, but move down the line of dance.  I wish I could get DPB to practice 2-step with me a lot.  I think we should become amateur partners and climb our way up to the ladder of masters champions.  I don't even know if they have masters like in running, I am just assuming we would have to get pretty old to become champions.  I also wish he would do Latin with me.  Gary was very sweet and encouraged me after our lesson.  I appreciate that.  I appreciate the hospitality of the other instructors there from whom I have never taken a lesson or even a group class.  It's nice they acknowledge peoples' presence.  I always try to do that at the J, too.
DPB is bringing his lady friend to the Fed.  I was going to have a lady friend of my own (who likes ladies) but she had last minute other plans.  So, instead it will be me, and mom and dad.  That's cool.
Almost finishing packing for MI.  We are going SUPER minimalist with only one suitcase total, one backpack, and the car seat.  I have snacks packed for HH, and most of our quart-sized baggies packed.  What a pain in the neck those terrorists have caused.  Killing innocents and annoying the rest of us.  I would be extremely inconvenienced if it meant we would actually be safe, but I doubt that the baggies are keeping us any safer than we were before 9/11. 

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

funny blues practice

Had a lesson with DIT and DPB for the first part of the blues part of the lindy/blues routine since I am going to miss practice on Saturday.  I am getting a little better, at least internally, about full body contact.  DPB is extremely unweird and uncreepy.  It is me who is weird and creepy.  haha.  It's the "act as if" phenomenon at work, for me (probably plus some pheromones and some astrological convergence).  Like I have mentioned, I don't think the arms in salsa are particularly sexy, especially what the guy does, but touching his shoulder and running my hand down his arm, whoever he is, with the right he, on repeat, makes something physiological happen to me.  I know I have self-control, and it's not like it's an uncontrollable desire, but take my body, and my brain follows.  Works for and against me.
Feeling a little calmer about going MI.  BH surprised me by taking off today and tomorrow before we leave.  He wants to study, but he is going to pick up Hank from school so that he can see the school, and I can stay at my bonus lesson with DID until the end of the hour.  I have a desire to confess my crazy thoughts to DID, but I don't think he cares, and I don't know if it would make it worse or better.
DPB, CS-D, and I are going to the Fed tomorrow night.  I don't have to set my alarm to wake up early tomorrow or Friday.  Woo Hoo!!!  I will probably be up by 5:30 tomorrow, but I could lie there as long as I want to.
The funny thing that happened at our lesson is that there is a part where I take DPB by his tie and walk in front of him, kind of slowly, with attitude, Dee said, and DPB said "that's hot."  I think he was kidding, but I did start blushing.  I said I had never done that before to anyone.  He and DIT laughed and said "someone has homework."  BH will, theoretically, be wearing a tie on Saturday.  I am hoping at least someone, be it Dawn, Dave, Katy, Dylann, Amy, Jeff, anyone, will entertain Hank for a few minutes to give BH and I some alone time.  It's been at least a couple of months, probably longer.  This puzzles me greatly.  Don't all men want to have sex as often as possible?  I'm all about putting on a tantalizing outfit, but Lord, let him start the ignition.  Or at least get out the driving directions.  Or type in mapquest.  I'll take it from there.  It doesn't take very long.  30 minutes from start to finish?  It's not like I need an hour of foreplay or anything.  A couple of sentences phrased in a certain way is plenty.  Sorry to get lewd, but holy cow, I get exasperated.  Help!
At the same time, I am enjoying having my body back!!!  If we aren't trying very hard to get me pregnant, I will probably end up pregnant.  I don't believe God micromanages my ovulation.  Unfortunately, I am stealthier than I was prepregnancy.  Oh, I don't know if it's unfortunate or not.  It annoys me, but they felt enormous to me while pregnant and nursing.  Now, I feel like I have my high school body, again.  Although, 20 pounds denser.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


feeling tired lately. the only things I want to do are cuddle (with anyone in my house), dance, sleep. going to take some iron and B12. love the rain. took Hank to school. going to exercise and nap after my client.
I decided my gross generalization about physical contact and women and dancing is, women interpret close, physical contact as emotional intimacy. men don't. even if the contact is non-sexual, we, subconsciously, start receiving it as emotional closeness. that explains why I am so freaky. not freaky like black people mean. (I still want to find out exactly what that is). but freaky about touching. because it means more than he thinks it does, whoever he is. but, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, right? I don't believe that for a second, but I'll go with it.
worried about going to MI. mostly the plane ride. I think I already mentioned that. well, still worried.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

long week

This week felt like at least 2 weeks. Hank started "school." He cries when I leave, but they say he has fun. It's 4 hours, 2x/week. I plan to work 2-3 hours at the J or here once I know he's doing well there, consistently.
Had a sad lesson with DID, yesterday. God bless him. I think he and Brad are similar in that when I cry, or any woman cries for that matter, they are absolutely mortified and have no idea how to stop it, and they want it to stop immediately. I still did not become assertive until after I got upset. The second half of the lesson was fun like normal. At the end I noticed I was kind of hunched over and stood up tall when I told him he didn't have to baby me because I am a grown woman. I forget from time to time.
I am determined to stick with it with him, because I believe if I can get to the point of assertiveness when I am not enjoying his behavior, it will be a giant leap for me.
Doing the rumba with DIT is fun. There is a hug thing in the middle. I guess it's not a hug, but it's pretty intimate. DIT is super patient, and I am trying very hard not to complain about it being "too sexy." I am still struggling with that whole thing. I think the thing that I am stuck on is this: a woman does her part with styling or whatever to be sexy. She is not going to have sex with everyone she's dancing with, so it's just supposed to be titilating? That seems obnoxious to me. Like, here's what you can't have. And potentially, the guy is doing the same thing. I guess people have self-control, but why always try to be extra sexy. That bugs me.

There is a photo shoot party at my dance place, tonight. They said they will stage pictures from group classes and private lessons. I asked my friend if I should cry in one of the private lesson pictures. That was hilarious.

Going to MI next weekend. I am worried about the plane ride. Never been bothered before. I guess it's because Hank will be with us. Don't want to pass that anxiety on to him. I also have anxiety about being stuck there, trapped with no solitude.

High holy days start today. Several weekends I don't have to teach at the J. I'm looking forward to trying to sleep past 6:30 on Sundays.

Watched The Wrestler over the past week. Wow. It was very well done, very powerful, very heart-breaking. Mickey Rourke. Wow. And Marissa Tomei. Wow. She looked gorgeous, and was supposed to look "old for a stripper."

Practicing for my ESD show. My fingers remember some things, but I am going to bring the lyrics because my brain remembers less. And I decided not to do the Houston dance comp in Oct, but will shoot for one in Dallas in Nov. Also, just going to do 3 dances instead of 5. I just want the experience to start. Waltz is so much harder than I thought it would be. And I can't go to classes really, right now with Brad in school, so I don't have much way to practice with a partner except at lessons.

DID said I seem anxious and tense, and I am "working too hard." That made me really lose it because I said, if I can get out of my head for even a few minutes while dancing this intimate dance, that is a success. My anxiety has gone down exponentially in sobriety, but I can still see why I drank, every now and then. Like with dancing. I am SO grateful I am not drinking because I don't think I would be able to show my face there on the "day after." I can't imagine who all I would try to make out with. Thank you, God I don't have to do that!!!

Coaching at Canyon Creek a fall season. I started out loving the kids, and now some bug me. Fart jokes and opposite answers to questions get old. I don't like being adversarial. Let's just practice our skills! The girls are mostly aiming to please in every way all the time. It's funny. The boys may have a desire to please, but can't resist the urge to be stupidly silly. I guess I should be more empathetic because I can rarely resist the urge to be sarcastic, myself. The difference is, I am hilarious.

First Draft of Lindy Part

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

guerillas and tigers

I remember in middle school being confused hearing about guerilla warfare in Central America. (Why are people fighting with gorillas)? Yesterday I had the radio on and heard something about the Tamil Tigers in Sri Lanka, and I thought about them being tigers instead of people.