Friday, March 26, 2010
PS I don't think I even ever reveal half of my inner most thoughts and feelings to you, world. There is much left unsaid. That's in a different book or not at all.
Friday, March 12, 2010
If everyone acted exactly the way I wanted them to, all the time, why would I ever seek God? Their "misbhavior" drives me out of the way so God can do God's job.
Because humans are imperfect, their blessings are imperfect. The blessings they bring may come in the form of pain and suffering.
Opinions are like fingernails: everyone has them. Sometimes they look beautiful, and sometimes we need a manicure.
In case you missed this one below: Dear Blessings, it is unnecessary for you to come dressed in a disguise. In fact, your disguise is annyoing. Next time, just come dressed as you are, a Blessing!
My new favorite song: Caroline by Brandi Carlisle. I love her voice, the melody, and the piano. And the arrangement. It's super catchy - warning.
OK, read then sleep then Lindy!!!
Here's my new blog idea. 365 days of hysterical thinking, grief, and joy.
Feeling your feelings and wallowing in self pity are 2 different things. They might look the same in a cross-sectional study, but they do not perform the same in a longitudinal study.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Sponsor made me feel SOOO apart of. I am not alone. Dopamine withdrawal! Get it from somewhere more adaptive. Yes, and it doesn't have to all make sense. Friend or me.
I really don't feel like doing anything right now, but there is a dance tonight, of course. I will have to leave my room at some point. : ) I REALLY like staying in hotel rooms.
PS I welcome all comments long or short.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Here's what this guy said about forgiveness and fairness:
"Fairness. We know it's important because it's so primordial. "No fair!" is one of the earliest expressions of outrage mustered by young children, typically by the age of seven. In contrast to children between the ages of three and four, who are universally selfish, by the time children are seven or eight, they have developed a strong sense of equity. "One for me and none for you" just doesn't cut it any longer. Instead, they are keenly aware of whether or not they and their siblings, playmates, or classmates are being treated fairly.
When unfairness enters the picture, it's easy for children and adults alike to get very upset. Indeed, in its most extreme sense, perceived unfairness is the stuff that makes for wars. The whole notion of a "just war" is that it rights a wrong and follows certain rules of engagement (such as minimizing civilian causalities, which are perceived as being unfair compared to the treatment of enemy combatants).
In everyday interactions, a sense of unfairness can lead to grudges and general unhappiness. Some grudges are the stuff of legends: the house of Montague and Capulet (in Romeo and Juliet), the Jets and the Sharks (in West Side Story), and the Hatfields and McCoys (two feuding families in the West Virginia-Kentucky backcountry). Most grudges are privately held affairs, nurtured by gossip and enemy images. The longer and harder we hold on to them, the more miserable we become.
Perhaps that's why, when I searched on my Kindle for the word "forgiveness," it popped up most often in the books having to do with positive psychology and mindfulness. There is a connection between forgiveness and happiness. Listen to what two of the books had to say:
Sonja Lyubomirsky in The How of Happiness:
"What does forgiveness mean, and is it worthwhile to learn and practice it? Forgiveness may be the one factor that can disrupt the cycle of avoidance and vengeances in which we often find ourselves. Advocated by many, if not most, of the world's religions, forgiveness involves suppressing or mitigating one's motivations for avoidance and revenge (which often bring with them accompanying emotions of anger, disappointment, and hostility, and, ideally, replacing them with more positive or benevolent attitudes, feelings, and behaviors."
"Forgiveness is not reconciliation, pardoning, condoning, excusing, or denying the harm done. And the expression, "forgive and forget" is a misnomer since true forgiveness involves contemplating the injury at some length. How, then, do you know if you've forgiven someone? It's when you have experienced a shift in your thinking, such that your desire to harm that person has decreased and your desire to do him or her good (or to benefit your relationship) has increased."
"Forgiving is something that you do for yourself and not for the person who has wronged you. Clinging to bitterness or hate harms you more than the object of your hatred. (Buddha said, 'Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.') Empirical research confirms this insight. Forgiving people are less likely to be hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, angry, and neurotic. They are more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and more serene."
"Of all the happiness-promoting strategies described in this book, I believe that forgiveness is one of the most challenging to carry out. But, as is said, 'no pain, no gain.' What you reap may be enormous. If forgiveness fits your personality, goals, or needs, then the following techniques can be helpful. Appreciate being forgiven. Imagine forgiveness. Write a letter of forgiveness (don't send it, just write it). Practice empathy. Consider charitable attributions. Ruminate less. Make contact (send the letter, if it feels appropriate and healthy). Remind yourself of the importance of forgiveness."
Jack Kornfield in The Wise Heart:
"In Buddhist communities, there is a ritual of forgiveness where the abbot and elders regularly bow to the community and ask forgiveness for any errors they have made in their teaching and leadership. Every year at the end of our two-month retreat we do this. We invite our students' written suggestions and feedback. Then we move off our cushions and chairs and sit on the bare floor facing all the retreatants. We bow to them and their sincere practice. And then we ask their forgiveness for any way we may have harmed or misguided them. We tell them we did the best we could. Usually a lot of tears fall before the end of this ceremony."
"Forgiveness is both necessary and possible. It is never too late to find forgiveness and start again."
"Like the practice of compassion, forgiveness does not ignore the truth of our suffering. Forgiveness is not weak. It demands courage and integrity. Yet only forgiveness and love can bring about the peace we long for. As the Indian sage Meher Baba explains, 'True love is not for the fainthearted.'"
"We have all betrayed and hurt others, just as we have knowingly and unknowingly been harmed by them. It is inevitable in this human realm. Sometimes our betrayals are small, sometimes terrible. Extending and receiving forgiveness are essential to free us from our part. To forgive does not mean we condone the misdeeds of another. We can dedicate ourselves to making sure they never happen again. But without forgiveness the world can never be released from the sorrows of the past. Someone once quipped, 'Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. Forgiveness is a way to move on."
"In Buddhist psychology, forgiveness is not presented as a moral commandment -- 'Thou shalt forgive.' It is understood as a way to end suffering, to bring dignity and harmony to our life. Forgiveness is fundamentally for our sake, for our own mental health. It is a way to let go of the pain we carry. This is illustrated by the story of two former prisoners of war who meet after many years. When the first one asks, 'Have you forgiven your captors yet?' the second man answers, 'No, never.' 'Well, then,' the first many replies, 'they still have you in prison.'"
"For most people, the work of forgiveness is a process. Practicing forgiveness, we may go through stages of grief, rage, sorrow, hurt, and confusion. As we let ourselves feel the pain we still hold, forgiveness comes as a relief, a release for our heart in the end. Forgiveness acknowledges that no matter how much we may have suffered, we will not put another human being out of our heart."
In those sets of Ten New Commandments that we talked about at the start of this series, the connection between fairness and forgiveness is clearly described in one: "Do not overlook evil or shrink from administering justice, but always be ready to forgive wrongdoing freely admitted and honestly regretted." That, of course, makes forgiveness relatively easy. When wrongdoing is not admitted or regretted, forgiveness gets harder. Much harder. But that's especially when forgiveness offers us freedom and a positive way forward.
My hope is that we will find room in our hearts both for equity and for empathy. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, leads to a sightless and toothless world. Yet forgiveness without justice leads to its own form of abuse and disfiguration. We need them both to make life work."
Just keep on praying. I know it will get better.
Monday, March 08, 2010
I told myself something I had forgotten. It was hilariously said, also. I also forgot this one, "if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten." I had forgotten how similar the last conflict with friend was to this one. Almost identical in craziness. I can honestly say I have never had such a dramatic conflict as these 2. Even when I was drinking, and I threw a glass at Bryan Bowden, I felt saner about it than I do this. That relationship made more sense than this one does, and we were both drinking drunks. Plus, I am friendly with Bryan, now. haha. I need to stay away from judging the friend, but I also need to protect Mere. There is no need to subject oneself to verbal abuse. And it is not being of service to stick around and take it.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
I am missing my friend, and have forgotten the tears of yesterday, literally. Funny how I do tend to hold grudges, but also am very capable of euphoric recall. I do believe the Universe took pity on me and did something to get me through the pain with BH and friend. Intense pain, abated and caused by (or at least I attributed it to) each one, at different times, and now just a dull ache from friend. Last night, friend said I was abusing spiritual principles. I do not know to what friend referred. I feel innocent of any charges, but wonder what appears inauthentic. I don't think in my life I have been called as many names. Very strange sensation. One stuck, because I eventually recognized where I was acting childishly. The other names were water on a duck. Swam on through.
A little hard not to wonder what friend had told others of the story. None of my business!!! Of course, I want to contact friend, but can offer no logical explanation why I should. Friend has been so clear I am unwelcome. I suppose this is another example of my boundary violations. Oddly, I have made GREAT progress on this issue in sobriety. I was so unaware of anything vaguely resembling a boundary. Now, I can sometimes see them, sometimes erect them, myself. And sometimes I even respect them, especially when they have been pointed out.
Got to practice waltz and foxtrot after Lindy team today. Didn't get to dance with my actual partner, really, at all because the first bit of choreo is with a rotated partner. And it was close, but I did not have to rotate to friend. Kind of funny on that one, Universe. One foot to the left, and we would have had to get through that. Friend acted normalish. I sensed I might be on a behavioral trial, just because of all the behavioral trials of others friend has told me about. I tried to stay present and felt successful. So far, routine is fun.
Had dinner with parents and Hank. That was more pleasant than usual. I guess give BH and I some time alone and together, and we can be pretty freaking charming.
Sooooooooo much less pain. So much more detached. Ahhhhhhh. Relief. Thank you, Universe!
Thursday, March 04, 2010
PS Hurtful friend has unfacebook friended me. I guess we are not friends, anymore. Yesterday, friends. Today, argument. Unfacebook friended. That is what friend has done with all other emotionally intimate relationships. Friend says I am immature. I hope it is anything that is the opposite of unfucking facebook friending someone after breaking her heart several times over. That is very sad for friend. Must be much more lonely than I can understand. I will pray for friend to find a Different Way. And to save me from being angry and hurt. I have prostrated myself several times over and cannot penetrate the cement ice-wall. I hope friend can let someone in someday.