Monday, June 01, 2015

Woke up worrying

Nobody died. World peace is not at stake. So, this should be absolutely no big deal. But, it's on my mind. A lot. I signed up to do a pro-am group performance at the adult recital (Showcase) at Go Dance. I thought I was doing ok. Learning the routine. Getting some of the technique. I have 3-4 more lessons before the performance. We had a group practice on Saturday at the south studio, which I have been to once. I completely forgot a lot of the routine. The phenomenon is called state-dependent learning, but I didn't know it would totally knock me over. I always think of the example, if you study for the test stoned, you should take the test stoned. We're having the performance at a hotel, so, another different location. I'm not sure what to do other than practicing in a different location, which is not going to happen. Of course, I'm afraid I will be the only one who forgets the routine at the performance. And, I didn't mention there are 2 performances. Just woke up around 3:30 worrying. The thing is, this is supposed to be fun. A bit of a challenge, but one that will be fun to tackle. At this point it is not fun. At all. Maybe it will all come together. I hope so, by some miracle, that it will. Trying to do some sport psychology on myself with minor efficacy. Anyhoo, just needed to vent.   I should mention that DID is being totally cool and calm about it which does help a little. But, maybe he should be panicking, too!

Saturday, March 28, 2015


Just got home from the Hole in the Wall hearing some old friends play.  The last time I was in there was 2000, playing my final SXSW.  The first time I went there was 1987 when I was 15 with my dad.  This time it was so surreal.  The bar seemed bigger, but it smelled the same - still like cigarettes & beer, although I don't know how many years it's been non-smoking.  It was such a relief to be there as 43 year-old me.  Not wondering with whom or how I would get home.  I don't miss that life in any way.  So lonesome and so desperate.  Ugh.  Psychiatric medication helps, but I think 20+ years of living on earth and of being sober have made me so much calmer.  I didn't realize how much peace I walk around in now until going there tonight.  What a miracle.  Even as dorky and neurotic as I am today, compared to 20 year-old me I'm close to Nirvana, now.  I'm so grateful many of my 20 year-old wishes for myself didn't come true.
Did you know there's tons of frat people out all over Guadalupe at midnight?  I don't remember that, but I don't remember that much, so maybe it was always that way.  Before I left everyone asleep and snoring, I told Brad I was afraid of finding a place to park and of getting mugged.  Haha.  I paid $7 to park, and I did not come close to getting mugged.  I got a free diet coke, and got home well before closing time.   Not a bad night for staying up past bedtime.

Sunday, March 08, 2015

Who we're dressing up for

I'm a personal trainer, so I say I get to wear my pajamas to work. I literally have, but now try to be a little bit personal trainer style. We're wearing leg warmers now and cuter tops. During the day, I like to make myself look presentable. Wear something I consider cute, put on a little makeup. I notice other women really doll themselves up even if they're not at work. We aren't seeing our husbands all day, and theoretically aren't trying to impress another dude. I guess we dress up for each other. Somewhat competitively, but somewhat to say, I care. Isn't it great we care?  After pregnancy and newborn years when all I wore were "homeless man clothes," I wanted to adorn myself, wear makeup, wear some relatively cute clothes. It took me a while to lose my baby weight with the first, and I haven't lost it all with the now 4-year old, but I'm still working on it. Still, I feel compelled to wear something other than pajamas when I leave the house, now. (In the house I'm all about pajamas).