if at first you don't succeed

try, try, try, again.  stop reading if you don't want to hear about any reproductive processes.

started my period.  two days early.  not the end of the world, but am disappointed.  we were certainly as diligent as we could have been during the past month.  similar to our honeymoon.  pretty fun, of course.  it does seem like a Grander task than just f**king, to have sex in order to fertilize an egg, that 40 weeks later, will become a baby.  I don't know.  maybe it is just the former, f.  and segway into f.  we watched a movie called Surfwise off Netflix on the computer.  it was pretty good.  very weird.  a family of 9 kids living in a camper, surfing all day, eating healthy foods, and a LOT of weirdness. it seemed fairly adaptive for them until they began to reach puberty, themselves.  

off to the J.  then, hope to dance this afternoon.

Dancing With The Stars - Grab the Widget - ABC.com

Dancing With The Stars - Grab the Widget - ABC.com

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Salsa On2

DID and DIB are teaching a Salsa On2 class on Saturdays from 12-2 pm at Go Dance.  Yes, there are sexy arms, but not too many.  On2 emphasizes beats 2 and 6, unlike regular salsa, which emphasizes beats 1 and 5.  It's kind of similar, but also different.  The first class was very fun, and it's not too late to join.

We did Rumba today at my lessons.  It was fine until DID said I was supposed to do this Rumba walk "sexily" around in a circle.  I will do it if he closes his eyes.  Walking sexily is like nuclear fission.  

There is a chance I could be a very little bit PG.  I won't tell you how good of a chance.  

too sexy

I told DID some of the arms in salsa were "too sexy!"  He asked what I thought salsa was about, I did not answer, then he told me the stuff we were doing is rated G.  I should have told him he is going to end up with 9 kids if he keeps this sexy arms things up with all his students, like it or not.  I did not tell him that, however.  I just tried to do the sexy arms while thinking unsexy thoughts.

I have danced 4 days in a row and am going for 5 tomorrow.  It seems I don't have to start quite from square one with the uncomfortability when I dance that frequently.  Yesterday, I went to salsa, samba, and rumba classes.  The samba class was the most physically challenging.  It was taught by 2 English people, one of whom resembled a cockney hummingbird.  She was cute.

Hank goes to his 2nd week of school this week.

in your face, now

I did go dancing after watching a good movie, Maria, Full of Grace.  I had fun dancing.  Dancing Salsa with DID is a lot of fun, but it's kind of like dancing with Dad.  Want to do it right.  Dancing with the people that come to class with me is like dancing with my kid brothers, if I had some.  No big deal.  I am proud of myself for going and participating.  Gold star, now.

baloney

well, it's now, and I don't feel like going to the dance.  I can go next Sunday because I don't have clients on Monday morning.  I feel lame about it, but not so lame that I want to get in the car and go.  progress, not perfection.  not sure where the progress is, there, but I am sure there will be some.

walked

Took Hank in the baby jogger to Town Lake this morning.  Thought about all my old running partners, regular and occasional.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  It was pleasant because it stayed cloudy the whole time.  There was a parade down Congress as we were crossing - Texas Independence Day.  There was a group on horseback dressed like Confederate soldiers with a Confederate flag.  Really, guys?  Was the flag necessary?  Can't we just know you're Civil War, and if we're interested we can come up and ask you which side you were on?  Ironically, they were right behind the huge black guys in customized pickup trucks group.  They were actually the only ones who greeted us.  I did get the impulse to run a few times, but I was wearing my very heavy MBT's, and they are not so great for running.  Talked with MA on the phone the other day, and she is training for IM CDA, again.  I was SO glad I am not.  I did enjoy it most of the time when I was doing it, but it also seems a little bit like drinking.  I was in pursuit of fun, but how much actual fun did I have?  More fun exercising for sure than with drinking, but there were plenty of times when it felt like a have to, not a get to.  I think the focus on the now is a good tool to use when I am paralyzed by agoraphobia.  There are no what ifs to leaving the house.  It's just leaving the house.  I guess the now is more salient for me than one step or one day at a time because I know that after one step is another and another.  There was a guy at Cornerstone who used to say, yes, stay sober for one day at a time, but we really mean the rest of your life.  Now, I want to stay sober for the rest of my life, but thinking about any other area of the rest of my life can be daunting.  Hank ate 2x last night.  Once when I came to bed and once in the middle of the night.  One hour I had to cuddle him and rock him to keep him asleep.  He wants to nurse when I hold him.  Tonight I am going to that Salsa workshop, then staying for the social dance.  Now, I am enjoying some pasta and answering all my emails.  Hank is asleep on his tummy with his rear end up in the air.  He often wakes up crawling, and if he is very sleepy, he lies right back down and puts his head down, but his butt doesn't always make it back down.

Hello, world

Haven't written in a while.  Busy with Hank, work, the house, etc.  Hank went to 4 hours of BokerTov (Mother's Day out) this week.  He will go for 13 weeks.  He cries when I leave, but they said only for a minute or two.  We are off letting him cry by himself.  We each tried it a couple of times for 5 minute increments.  It did not feel right to me, and after rereading parts of the Attachment Parenting book I feel affirmed it is not right for us.  Brad is putting him to sleep tonight and tomorrow night.  And we're going to try to close the all-night café.  I am fine with continuing nursing before his 2 naps for a while longer.

Had a little breakthrough with relaxing my arms in my dance lesson last time and tonight. Went to my first social dance on my birthday.  I stayed out until 10 pm!  I am going tomorrow night to a workshop then social dance at 7:30.  It will be much easier to leave the house for a 7:30 class than an 8:30 lesson and 9 pm dance.  I did have fun at the dance, although afterwards I felt a little discombobulated, like what the heck were all those do-si-so's?  I also made a disclaimer to a guy I didn't know that I had only had 2 months of salsa 2.  He said, that's ok, because this is merengue.  haha.  Tonight I wanted to work on Rumba a little with DID, so we did.  He used the word "sultry."  I reiterated that I did not have any interest in being sultry.  He said I picked the wrong dance, and I guess I looked shocked because he backed off a little.  He said in social dancing Rumba you don't have to be all that sultry, it's just that you have time to move your hips and settle into that contraindicated locked knee with all your weight on it.  I hope me and all these dancers aren't sitting around the osteopathic clinic when we are 50 with osteo-arthritis in our knees.

We watched a little of Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now lecture on PBS last night.  Is it now?  There you go.  I wanted to go buy that book.  I haven't finished a New Earth, yet, so that seems to miss his point.  I did enjoy Hank extra today by continuing to ask myself the question, is it now? when my mind wandered in to the future.  Wandering into the past is not usually painful for me.  I like to look at it and know it's over, good or bad.  Wandering into the future is rarely fun.  His point is, joy is now.  You might miss some present joy if you don't spend your time in now.  Makes sense.  ALL my anxiety is in the future.  Seems like an easy way to stay happy.  Stay out of the future!!!  It's so seductive, though.  What if?  What if?  What if?  Is it now?

Yes, it is.