walked

Took Hank in the baby jogger to Town Lake this morning.  Thought about all my old running partners, regular and occasional.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  It was pleasant because it stayed cloudy the whole time.  There was a parade down Congress as we were crossing - Texas Independence Day.  There was a group on horseback dressed like Confederate soldiers with a Confederate flag.  Really, guys?  Was the flag necessary?  Can't we just know you're Civil War, and if we're interested we can come up and ask you which side you were on?  Ironically, they were right behind the huge black guys in customized pickup trucks group.  They were actually the only ones who greeted us.  I did get the impulse to run a few times, but I was wearing my very heavy MBT's, and they are not so great for running.  Talked with MA on the phone the other day, and she is training for IM CDA, again.  I was SO glad I am not.  I did enjoy it most of the time when I was doing it, but it also seems a little bit like drinking.  I was in pursuit of fun, but how much actual fun did I have?  More fun exercising for sure than with drinking, but there were plenty of times when it felt like a have to, not a get to.  I think the focus on the now is a good tool to use when I am paralyzed by agoraphobia.  There are no what ifs to leaving the house.  It's just leaving the house.  I guess the now is more salient for me than one step or one day at a time because I know that after one step is another and another.  There was a guy at Cornerstone who used to say, yes, stay sober for one day at a time, but we really mean the rest of your life.  Now, I want to stay sober for the rest of my life, but thinking about any other area of the rest of my life can be daunting.  Hank ate 2x last night.  Once when I came to bed and once in the middle of the night.  One hour I had to cuddle him and rock him to keep him asleep.  He wants to nurse when I hold him.  Tonight I am going to that Salsa workshop, then staying for the social dance.  Now, I am enjoying some pasta and answering all my emails.  Hank is asleep on his tummy with his rear end up in the air.  He often wakes up crawling, and if he is very sleepy, he lies right back down and puts his head down, but his butt doesn't always make it back down.