Saturday, September 19, 2009

long week

This week felt like at least 2 weeks. Hank started "school." He cries when I leave, but they say he has fun. It's 4 hours, 2x/week. I plan to work 2-3 hours at the J or here once I know he's doing well there, consistently.
Had a sad lesson with DID, yesterday. God bless him. I think he and Brad are similar in that when I cry, or any woman cries for that matter, they are absolutely mortified and have no idea how to stop it, and they want it to stop immediately. I still did not become assertive until after I got upset. The second half of the lesson was fun like normal. At the end I noticed I was kind of hunched over and stood up tall when I told him he didn't have to baby me because I am a grown woman. I forget from time to time.
I am determined to stick with it with him, because I believe if I can get to the point of assertiveness when I am not enjoying his behavior, it will be a giant leap for me.
Doing the rumba with DIT is fun. There is a hug thing in the middle. I guess it's not a hug, but it's pretty intimate. DIT is super patient, and I am trying very hard not to complain about it being "too sexy." I am still struggling with that whole thing. I think the thing that I am stuck on is this: a woman does her part with styling or whatever to be sexy. She is not going to have sex with everyone she's dancing with, so it's just supposed to be titilating? That seems obnoxious to me. Like, here's what you can't have. And potentially, the guy is doing the same thing. I guess people have self-control, but why always try to be extra sexy. That bugs me.

There is a photo shoot party at my dance place, tonight. They said they will stage pictures from group classes and private lessons. I asked my friend if I should cry in one of the private lesson pictures. That was hilarious.

Going to MI next weekend. I am worried about the plane ride. Never been bothered before. I guess it's because Hank will be with us. Don't want to pass that anxiety on to him. I also have anxiety about being stuck there, trapped with no solitude.

High holy days start today. Several weekends I don't have to teach at the J. I'm looking forward to trying to sleep past 6:30 on Sundays.

Watched The Wrestler over the past week. Wow. It was very well done, very powerful, very heart-breaking. Mickey Rourke. Wow. And Marissa Tomei. Wow. She looked gorgeous, and was supposed to look "old for a stripper."

Practicing for my ESD show. My fingers remember some things, but I am going to bring the lyrics because my brain remembers less. And I decided not to do the Houston dance comp in Oct, but will shoot for one in Dallas in Nov. Also, just going to do 3 dances instead of 5. I just want the experience to start. Waltz is so much harder than I thought it would be. And I can't go to classes really, right now with Brad in school, so I don't have much way to practice with a partner except at lessons.

DID said I seem anxious and tense, and I am "working too hard." That made me really lose it because I said, if I can get out of my head for even a few minutes while dancing this intimate dance, that is a success. My anxiety has gone down exponentially in sobriety, but I can still see why I drank, every now and then. Like with dancing. I am SO grateful I am not drinking because I don't think I would be able to show my face there on the "day after." I can't imagine who all I would try to make out with. Thank you, God I don't have to do that!!!

Coaching at Canyon Creek a fall season. I started out loving the kids, and now some bug me. Fart jokes and opposite answers to questions get old. I don't like being adversarial. Let's just practice our skills! The girls are mostly aiming to please in every way all the time. It's funny. The boys may have a desire to please, but can't resist the urge to be stupidly silly. I guess I should be more empathetic because I can rarely resist the urge to be sarcastic, myself. The difference is, I am hilarious.

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