Wednesday, February 18, 2009
don't worry, just need to vent
Cried today for the first time in about a year. (Thank you SSRIs and dopamine agonists.) After my dance lesson. I don't really know why, except that I still can't relax my fucking arms. Excuse my French, kids. I think I am relaxing, then DID tells me to "settle." I sent him a fb message today that basically said, you may or may not want to know all this, but blah...I don't dance, I don't relax, I have made TONS of progress (spiritually, in terms of getting closer to relaxing), it's nothing you are doing specifically, I am very Victorian in terms of my body and touching other people, I am dancing 75% to make more spiritual progress and 25% for exercise, someday I will get the joy and freedom of flow. I know when I bring my body, my mind follows. I have proven that to myself many times. I am probably existentially freaking out with Hank still weaning, I think I am about to start the lunar cycles, again, and holy cow, what is up with the run on sentences. Yesterday, in salsa class I felt pretty darn joyful most of the time. For some reason, I was sleepy at 9:15 when I got home, hungry, so I ate, and then awake until MIDNIGHT. Holy cow. Might as well just go for non sequiturs and no paragraphs. Dance Instructor Tommy said I had a pretty voice. That was very sweet. He is a very nice person. DID is a nice person, but he never said anything to me about my music. I guess he doesn't want to lie, but geez, he couldn't find a single nice thing to say? Well, I fish. I do. It's born from insecurity. Every time he tells me good, I have to say thank you, think thank you, and think, if you don't believe him, you are calling him a liar. DID is not a liar, say thank you. Yes, it takes a long time to go through this dispute every time. It's one of Seligman's tactics to turn the frown upside down - dispute! Experimented with putting Hank in the crib to sleep. Brad got him to sleep in 15 minutes last night. I tried with his nap this afternoon. It was the saddest noise I have ever heard. I went in 5 minute increments - leaving the room, sitting in the room and not talking, sitting in the room telling him he was ok but not looking at him, leaving the room talking to him. Yeah, did not work for 30 minutes, then I gave up, and he didn't take an afternoon nap. He had had a 10 minute cat nap in the car, and if he wakes from those, we are screwed. I get to sleep until 5:30 tomorrow. Woohoo!!!