Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Dear Zeus (or whichever One of you does the weather),

Since we are having winter this year, can we please have fewer bugs, and in particular fewer mosquitos in the spring and summer?  Spring and fall would be as perfect as winter were it not for those blood-sucking mother mosquitos.

Had Uncle TH and Aunt JH down for the first snow I have ever seen stick to the road in Austin.  They did have 2.5 days of nice weather.  We felt guilty about the snow.  Silly.  HH LOVED having them down.  I can see how it takes a village...because Brad and I were so much more at ease having some backup.  I want another baby, too.  It is such a miracle that at almost 39 I have an infant and a three year-old.  What a great way to prolong getting "old."

I am trying to figure out ways to work from/at home so that I can generate income enough for Brad to go to nursing school.  I am going to try insurance companies for wellness coaches.  More writing possibilities.  Personal training at home.  Maybe yoga and pilates classes?  If training is during the day, people have to be cool with a baby (or two) around.  I feel much more at ease with caring for a baby while working.  Just feed it, burp it, or rock it.  Or, it might even just be sleeping.  With Hank I felt very unsure of what I would do depending on what he would do, and I had no idea what that might be.  All of my personal training clients are women.  The vast majority have kids and like being around a baby.  The drawback is, sometimes a crazy night leaves me stupid.  I fight the urge to nap and hibernate, but I'm not a good fighter.  Ideally, I would like to write more, but I realize it's not my turn to find ideally.  Just to find an economical use of my time and expertise while being able to care for young children.

BH and I have seen Judith Sokolow from Jewish Family Services 2x.  We have one more time to see her.  She has given us some practical communication skills.  Skills I learned in group therapy, but am out of practice with and can't practice in a vacuum.  I feel very hopeful.  I am determined to model adaptive communication for HH and CH.  Not perfect, but adaptive.
For some strange reason I am awake at 9:50 PM, and everyone else is asleep.  For some other reason I don't like being awake alone at night, but love it during early morning hours.  It's an artifact from my past life, but I wonder why, after 15 years of piety, it still feels yucky to stay up late.  I guess it's just OK to be no matter what time it is.  And it's OK to say, well, there you go, silly.

This morning I remembered that I would never say, "you are a big fatty," to anyone.  Even to a big fatty.  : )  So, why would I say that to myself?  I am feeding a baby.  I am 11 weeks post-partum.  It doesn't matter what any other mother looks like at this stage of post-partum.  As long as all the parts are working, that's all there is.  That's what is to be grateful for.  Thank you.  It is such a gift to care for an infant.  So amazing and impossible to reciprocate.

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