Calmer

It's funny w B out of town, I feel a lot calmer by myself and with the kids.  I'm sure it's 90% me projecting or receiving real or imagined anxiety from him.  I just noticed that both nights and this morning, the times that it can feel chaotic, I was completely calm and so were the kids.  I try to not read people's minds, but I also know that both his family and my family did the silent treatment as a staple of the expression of disapproval.  I still do the silent treatment to him sometimes before I realize I'm doing it, or just because I don't feel brave enough to be open about how I feel or what I think or who I am.  I think I don't have a right to complain or have a dislike since I don't have a job that makes money.  Even when I did have a job that made money, I felt like I didn't make enough money to be able to say I dislike something.
I experience B as irritated when sometimes he is, sometimes he's tired, or sometimes, nothing.  Sometimes I ask, and I guess sometimes I don't like the answer because it results in a tirade about exactly how irritated he is and has been for so long.  Sometimes I ask, and he says he's tired or doesn't feel well.  I guess that's a request I rarely make - to be told when someone is unhappy so I can hear why, so I can either decide to change my behavior or realize no change in my behavior will change their unhappiness.  I know I'm not responsible for other people's feelings, but I sure like to go there.  If I were___, X would be happy.  Or if X were ____, I would be happy.  T'aint true.
At the same time, if it would make you happy if I left the porch light on for you when you come home in the dark, (which I already do, but I'm just trying to think of an example) I'd be very happy to leave it on for you.  If it made you happy that I made brownies on your birthday, I would definitely be happy to make you brownies.
I realized I was doing things thinking it would make B happy, like cleaning the house, doing the laundry, yard, taxes, taking care of kids, and by approaching them in that way, it made me unhappy.  Because he doesn't ever seem to notice I do all these things.  But when I look at it like, it makes me happy to take care of the kids, the house, the whatever because I like those things to be done, then I feel happier doing them.  Not waiting around for him to notice that I mopped the floor.  He doesn't ever notice, but I notice.  (It bugs me how quickly it gets redirty, but that's a whole nother can of worms, I guess).  If the floor were dirty for a long time, he would likely get around to mopping it himself at some point, which confuses me.  It seems like he would be glad he didn't have to mop the floor, because who really likes mopping the floor?
My point is that I will be mindful to stay calm and not worry about what B thinks about what I am doing unless he tells me explicitly that he doesn't like it.  I'm just going to do the next right thing in a calm manner.  Things will get done or not get done, and either way, that's ok.