dark cloud slightly lighter

well, if you are wondering what to get me for christmas.... it's a subscription to multivariate behavioral research. just in case you were wondering. who knew I liked research methods? not I. but, I do!
lana and I went to my offfice today. got my grant proposal updated. just need to do a couple more things and I can send it off. once I get committee approval!
sent them all an email yesterday to try to begin the ball rolling to presenting my proposal. I now see that the ball rolls much like a bowling ball pushed by an ant uphill through sand. ok, maybe not quite that bad, but I didn't get any response from 3 of them, yet.
looked a lot for a job yesterday. many jobs for DSHS (TDH). many. a professor I asked was optimistic and said it was a matter of timing. to me, time is one my side because of my skills. I have a job that I could work more at for a period of months. this seems totally reasonable to me. is it, in fact, unreasonable?
she also said I could work for the city. it also seems to me a school district would be a reasonable option.
I felt very anxious looking. of course the ones I found were for today, this week, etc. a few looked REALLY cool. but, those will be gone. this is how I felt looking for a house. I can see why I have not yet looked.
anyway, trying to talk myself down off the ledge.
afterall, I am healthy, bh is healthy, family is healthy. ok, physically, not mentally, clearly!!! I can run, although my leg is a little irritated so I am biking tomorrow instead of running. I have a great roof over my head. I never miss a meal. I think I need bigger hand paddles to swim with, that's super cool. bh and I are going to the mountains. trying to get reexcited about that one. my house is not being bombed.

I don't categorically support any government under all circumstances. I have been talking with my peeps about the middle east situation. it seems many categorically support a country no matter what it does. I don't categorically support anyone or anything no matter what it does. if brad started bombing people, even if they had bombed him in the past, I would not categorically support him. I would still love him, and I would support him as a person, but I would not support his bombing people.

found out some more old friends died. Alex Magocsi who used to write for the Observer and Mark Durham. sad.
I guess this is what happens the longer you stay alive. it is hard to think this will get easier, especially as people closer and closer go. people say that births balance it out, but I have never felt that.

we did have a birth, however in the fam. d&d had girl #2. very cute. all are well. that is good news.

et tu, floyd?

I really hope it's not true. I don't know enough about thyroid meds to know if that is a plausible answer. Or the hip meds. I think I could have grown a beard while I was on the prednisone, but I don't know if the dose I was on would have been considered performance enhancing.
I just hope the B sample comes back neg.
geez, over the edge today!

ugh

when the importance of something is very high, and there is another variable I can't remember, motivation required to do it becomes very high. it's an exponential relationship between the 3. I have the article in my office, and I am at home.
not getting any school work done. I did reorganize a couple of things, clean, laundry, other little things I had been putting off because I have been working so hard on my diss.
had a discussion regarding my career plans. feel very depressed. feel very unable to concentrate. feel very hopeless. yucko.
I was really rocking along, and now I am having an existential melt down. yucko 2.
lana is coming to visit. "we" are going to knit and work on my diss. that is, if I can get my brain to reboot.

cross-eyed

I guess it's from drinking iced tea all morning and staring at the computer.
#1 I had a set of arrows drawn the wrong way in my SEmodel. DUH!
#2 I am getting a negative variance I can't figure out. It is impossible to have negative variance. Duh.
#3 I have a standardized regression weight greater than 1. Also impossible. Duh.
2 and 3, however, I cannot figure out. they will have to wait until another day. this afternoon is clients. tomorrow, clients. last day of swim lessons.

floyd!

brad said now when we ride people will yell, "floyd!" instead of, "lance!" yes, they will. he is certainly a more humble and likable fellow.
got an actual SEmodel to run today. the fit was pretty terrible, but I used my own data, drew the model, and got the dang thing to run. I am pretty excited.
noise in bmont is a little disturbing to my deep thought. fortunately, the workmen quit around 2 pm. must me nice to be contracted by UT. today I was entertained by the escalator repairmen who were enjoying wham!, kool and the gang, and a duran duran. it kept going, but I cranked my organ hymns. fairly amusing.
lifted weights with bh yesterday at the J. sore.
did you see the sunday talk shows? bush press secretary? ugh.

go, floyd

yesterday my yahoo news had a headline lance and bruyneel knew landis couldn't hack it. today it says landis can probably win. I like to make headlines in retrospect, also. got to watch quite a few stages at my parents' house. alp d'huez was pretty cool.

there has been so much going on in the news I haven't had time to comment.
it seems so blatantly and painfully obvious that bush is a total incompetent based solely on the stem cell research bill. yet, he continues to add more evidence on top of that. either life is sacred or it is not. embryos that would have been used to save lives will now be destroyed, or as he thinks of it killed. how could that make any sense? he supports the death penalty - strike 2. and there is that war.
one time at the 7 am gary h. talked about getting upset by the news. he said his sponsor told him the newspaper was not for him to read. I kind of agree, but I also think that we can handle things when the wind stops blowing. I wrote letters to my senators and representative about the stem cell bill. I am not sure how they ended up voting (or if they voted at all.)

coach steve won't be at practice today so I am going over to the J this morning. I hope the water is 80 or above. the masters coach there thinks freezing is better. I am banking on the 100 degree weather to undermine his evil plot.

got a lot of work done in my office yesterday. I am in super clean-out mode. got stuff like that done here on wednesday.

consumer note: don't buy an appliance from sears. our frig quit working last week. I had bought the extended warranty when I bought the frig. they couldn't come out to fix it for 2 weeks. they said in order to get reimbursed for our food spoilage, we would need to keep the food to prove we had food in our frig. yes, most people don't keep any food in their frig. poor brad called probably 20 different times including the times to the "direct service line." he kept getting hung up on, transferred, put on hold. finally he talked with a manager who "escalated" our call. why should a repair need to be escalated, and why do they not have enough technicians so that people don't have to wait 2 weeks? the guy came out on wednesday and fixed it. he didn't want to see our trashcan full of food. we also took pictures of the food before we threw it away.
anyway, just a word of warning. who knew they would suck so bad.

big d

in big D. played last night. had fun. remembered most of my own songs. had some help. that part was fun. saw some folks I hadn't seen in a LONG time and some that I hadn't seen in a while. it was nice to see everyone. I felt loved. cool.

gave my 2nd cousins swim lessons yesterday. it is easy to teach kids that have been indoctrinated with don's lingo. shark nose bubbles, giant pizza circles, and aloha ears. no wonder they looked at me like I was speaking Japanese.

heard the word Doran 2 is here. congratulations!!!

haven't gotten any work done, but I have gotten to enjoy the company of my parents. that is pretty cool.
riding inside watching the tour on their cable is fun. makes it easy to push on the trainer. got to swim at the landry center and am going again. was going to go to the dallas J, but it is far. the bapists are close to my parents house.

speaking of baptists, my dad said the baptists have the best hymnal as far as religious music goes. I guess I have to agree that there are some classics, but I love me some anglican organ music. how great thou art, his eye is on the sparrow, and were you there are pretty awesome. but o, God our help in ages past and a mighty fortress is our God totally rock.

mother and I have some serious missions today. getting packets of condiments at a store near fair park and hot dogs from costco. we both enjoy doing those things.