Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Do you know the metabolic rate of breast tissue?

I don't like it when people say, "I ate_____, and it made the baby gassy." 1) Babies are gassy. 2) Is that the only food you have eaten for the past week? How long does it take from the time you ate it to get made into breast milk? 3) Why don't cows ever get blamed? Hey, lay off the St. Augustine, Elsie, I'm stinking up my cubicle! 4) What am I supposed to eat? I don't think there are any foods that don't make me gassy. What about me? I'm gassy, too. No one cares. 5) It's not like I'm drinking whiskey or taking carbon dioxide colonics. I eat a balanced diet (except for ad libitum mini-heath bars, which are currently a little out of control) that contains complex carbohydrate starches, fruits, vegetables, legumes, a little dairy, no meat, water, some iced tea, a little coffee. And, by the way, my unscientific determination about coffee is it has NO effect on his sleeping or gas or not sleeping, because whether I drink it or not, he does not have a clockwork schedule, and I don't drink coffee everyday or even at the same time on days I do drink it. Yes, I take credit for his adorableness, his preferring to tummy-sleep, his eyes, his hair, his wit, his intelligence, his moodiness, his biceps, his perpetual optimism, but I will not take responsibility for his gas. That digestive system has been passed down through many generations, from what I can tell through my dad's dad's mom, as far back as whopper candies and Dr. Pepper, maybe farther.

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