Sam Stone John Prine

No more switching back and forth from DST to Standard Time!

Constitutional Blasphemy

Black History Month

Humans with the darkest skin have been systematically disenfranchised, first by each other, enslaving themselves and saving themselves through often desperate measures.  Black people, enslaved by white people, facing constant and horrific brutality, being murdered without legal consequence, beginning approximately 3000 years ago, continue to face these tragedies today. People of color have been omitted from, or at most, given an insignificant place in classroom history textbooks, e.g., an aside separated from the main text of the book, as if to say, well, there was one person of color who happened to do something of great historical significance, and aren’t we white, male historians magnanimous for including them in our book. But of course, this is not the main or most important part of history one should know about. 

My ultimate point is to say, someday we will not need a Black History Month, a Women’s History Month, an Hispanic Heritage History Month, etc, because all humans who have made a significant contribution to the evolution of society will be written into the body of classroom textbooks.

Until then, Black History Month (the shortest month of the year, which my mind turns into a subtle stab in the back with a wink to the white people who came up with the idea) is where we all learn about people with the blackest skin, the “other gender,” and those with a different ethnic ancestry, what their very significant contributions to humanity. This case is one of those. 

https://www.history.com/.amp/news/smallpox-vaccine-onesimus-slave-cotton-mather

Link to Club Dada Concert 1993

This is a Dropbox link to a live concert I did on KERA with Abby Goldstein in 1993.  I think you have to request to download it.  Send me your email address, and I can give you access if you are interested. (mereloho[at]gmail[dot]com)😉

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/nhxxo6m597ixgt4/AACEJphXWiHbYwpBl9SiU2E5a?dl=0

Checking in

I know it's been FOREVEEEEEEER since I posted.  I no longer sit in a carpool line waiting for the kids.  I have a nice walk through a garden to pick up C, and C and I wait in the car to pick up H. 
I have been noodling around on the piano, H's cello, and my guitar.  I have mandated a "Creative 15" every weekday.  I usually adhere to it.  Sometimes not.  I feel happier during and after I do it.  So MAYBE just maybe there will be a new song appear on the horizon.  Garage Band is easier and more complex, so we'll see.

Update: Creative 15 has become Creative 5 or how long do I have to be frivolous. But I try to remember it is not frivolous to enjoy and improve ones gift and the part of humans who needs to create to survive. 

Second goal of Iyengar Yoga 15 and/or Tai Chi 15 has not been met. Progress, not perfection. 

Dunkerque et Bayeux

The French are not friendly. Just aloof. I have spoken French to a few and they reply in English. I suppose this is to be nice, but it sometimes feels condescending, or at least prohibitively impatient. Dunkerque itself is industrial and not very scenic. 

I don’t speak French laundry. I am glad the owner came right after I put in my wash bc I had put the soap in the wrong slot. I have been trying to speak French to people, but they reply so quickly I can’t understand very well so they speak English back to me. Bayeux is crawling with Americans. And we are very annoying. H thought we would be speaking a “secret language,” but not only do most of the French people speak English, but there are mostly native English speakers here. I don’t know if the English are bi or tri-lingual or not. I am guessing they are much more than Americans. 

London and Vicinity

Happened upon Hyde Park on my run. Apparently Edgeware Road is an Arab/Muslim neighborhood. Just an observation. Lots of different languages and accents. A circle is a circus. Hyde Park has amazing huge trees, and you can barely hear the traffic from the street maybe 100 yards away. Nice asphalt path. Perfect running temps everything seems cheap even though it’s multiplied by 1.25. Kensington Garden is inside Hyde Park. Pretty gorgeous. 

Maybe my favorite thing about the English is we can agree Trump is a dolt. I think if Tank Fest has been in the US I would have hated it, but the huge crowd of mostly Brits was so polite and not obnoxious, it was bearable. Our taxi driver Kate is very nice and down to earth. I like her. The town of Broadmayne is very nice. Small and peaceful. A nice guy at the PO/convenience store drove me to the Coop to get cash. The B&B made us bacon sandwiches for the morning of tankfest since we wouldnt be there for breakfast. I like that the cyclists speak to the walkers. I love hearing the languages spoken from all over the world. All the foliage covering the road is so pretty. I didn’t shut up the entire trip marveling at the flora in all of Britain and Northern France. 

stink a link May 2008

I would just like to state, for the record, to all who google or use some form of search engine that doesn't sell data that sends people in China to prison for no reason, that my experience with the Office of Sponsored Projects at the University of Texas at Austin in May-October of 2006 was extremely unpleasant.
I have been a student at UT for 9 years total. I was a student before we had the internets. (How did anyone ever write a paper before personal computers, by the way?) And in all the bureaucracy, struggling to find someone to help answer a difficult question, I had never found such absolute unhelpfulness combined with power to halt my pursuit of academic progress as I found at the OSP. I have learned from this experience, that no one cares about your academic research, and no one cares about getting you funding. You, yourself must care, but it is no one else's job to care or help you figure it out.
And, ultimately, your research will exist in a vacuum of millions of journal articles that might, at their apex, be cited in another journal article. This is truly the existential reality.
However, there are many offices, departments, and people at UT that are genuinely helpful and interested in the progress of those who pass through. The office of Kinesiology and Health Education is filled with cheerful, helpful staff and professors. Health Ed has the monopoly on nurturing, but there are some nice folks in kines.
Anyway, I'm done.

Having a person May 2008

I rode my bike inside this morning and read about half of the Supernanny's book. While I was reading, it occured to me that we are not having a baby, we are having a person. We made a person who is going to be living with us for at least the next 18 years. And I had thought that we should quickly try to make another one to give him a friend, but at this point, I think he's just going to be lonesome. Not really, but geez, I am starting to freak out, again.

The main thing Supernanny stresses is stay calm during your consistent presentation of the world and its limits. I think this will be very challenging. It is hard to remember, even with adults, that they are not doing it to me, they are just doing it. I also think my new year's resolution of staying in the present is not going to be challenging, because babies need your immediate and present attention. There is no ADD jumping from task to task as usual.

I put together the swing and playpen/bassinet. I had to call the swing tech support 2x. Both women I got on the phone acted like I was really stupid. While I felt stupid, the instruction manual was not very instructional, so I had to call for help. The playpen thing was much easier.
The last thing to install is the car seat. I am glad it looks assembled, though I know putting in the car will be much harder than one would think.

I am really looking forward to this being my last week of swimteam for a while. I hope I become delighted, again, after my hormones calm down. I haven't been delighted by them in a LONG time. I do remember being delighted quite a bit by my Canyon Creek kids. In fact, it was there I entertained the idea of having one of our own. I assume the genetic thing will make it easy to be delighted by Hank. It has always seemed very narcissistic to me to breed. But, the physiological and physical similarities between you and your mate must make it easy to love the kid. If the kid looked nothing like either of you, it would take a lot of magnaninmous generosity to be as delighted by him as you would be someone who looks like you. TZ could do it.

I filled out a lot of Hank's baby book. I am sure he will not be interested in it at any point, but I will be, and his wife (or husband) might be.

cool morning in Dallas June 2008

It was in the upper 60's this morning before I woke up.
I think Hank woke up before I did because I woke up to his pulling my hair, and I think he had been talking to me before that. It was 8 am!!! Extremely late for me.

I think warantless wiretapping should be called unwarranted wiretapping.

blah June 2009

stayed up late to go dance at my place, and there weren't too many folks there. the dances I got to do were all fun, though. hoping to hang with Brad when I got home, but he and HH were asleep. : ( were going to try to have some alone time tomorrow, but it appears our schedules will not cross, and his truck is broken, again, after getting fixed on Friday. boo. hoping to get a Honda Fit for our "clunker" 1992 Lexus ES 300. have to go to Tx DOT to get a copy of our registration receipt.

Calmer

It's funny w B out of town, I feel a lot calmer by myself and with the kids.  I'm sure it's 90% me projecting or receiving real or imagined anxiety from him.  I just noticed that both nights and this morning, the times that it can feel chaotic, I was completely calm and so were the kids.  I try to not read people's minds, but I also know that both his family and my family did the silent treatment as a staple of the expression of disapproval.  I still do the silent treatment to him sometimes before I realize I'm doing it, or just because I don't feel brave enough to be open about how I feel or what I think or who I am.  I think I don't have a right to complain or have a dislike since I don't have a job that makes money.  Even when I did have a job that made money, I felt like I didn't make enough money to be able to say I dislike something.
I experience B as irritated when sometimes he is, sometimes he's tired, or sometimes, nothing.  Sometimes I ask, and I guess sometimes I don't like the answer because it results in a tirade about exactly how irritated he is and has been for so long.  Sometimes I ask, and he says he's tired or doesn't feel well.  I guess that's a request I rarely make - to be told when someone is unhappy so I can hear why, so I can either decide to change my behavior or realize no change in my behavior will change their unhappiness.  I know I'm not responsible for other people's feelings, but I sure like to go there.  If I were___, X would be happy.  Or if X were ____, I would be happy.  T'aint true.
At the same time, if it would make you happy if I left the porch light on for you when you come home in the dark, (which I already do, but I'm just trying to think of an example) I'd be very happy to leave it on for you.  If it made you happy that I made brownies on your birthday, I would definitely be happy to make you brownies.
I realized I was doing things thinking it would make B happy, like cleaning the house, doing the laundry, yard, taxes, taking care of kids, and by approaching them in that way, it made me unhappy.  Because he doesn't ever seem to notice I do all these things.  But when I look at it like, it makes me happy to take care of the kids, the house, the whatever because I like those things to be done, then I feel happier doing them.  Not waiting around for him to notice that I mopped the floor.  He doesn't ever notice, but I notice.  (It bugs me how quickly it gets redirty, but that's a whole nother can of worms, I guess).  If the floor were dirty for a long time, he would likely get around to mopping it himself at some point, which confuses me.  It seems like he would be glad he didn't have to mop the floor, because who really likes mopping the floor?
My point is that I will be mindful to stay calm and not worry about what B thinks about what I am doing unless he tells me explicitly that he doesn't like it.  I'm just going to do the next right thing in a calm manner.  Things will get done or not get done, and either way, that's ok.

Bilingual C

C and I were reading a book about famous “rebel women” bc he told me last month was women’s history month. He said he wanted to read about Sonia Sotomayor. I said her name w an American accent. He corrected me and said, no it’s in Spanish, and pronounced it perfectly. 

H just told me I’m the coolest mom in the world. 👩‍👦👩‍👦👩‍👦💜💜💜

Learned optimism

B and I were talking about teaching the kids to have confidence that there's nothing they can't do. He said he thinks I do that for them, but not for myself. I think it's that if I don't have self-efficacy for something, then I have little self-confidence that I might be able to do it if I tried. I have done many things I never thought I could do. But I guess at some point I decided I might be able to do it if I worked hard at it. Marathon, ironman, graduate school, childbirth, dancing. Those are the main ones. Today and yesterday I caulked the bathroom. I didn't think I could do that, but I read the directions, and it looks pretty good. The weird thing was I asked B if I should paint the exercise room and he just kind of looked at me then said you'd have to move everything. Then that was the end of the conversation. I'm not good at painting per se, but I think I could do an ok job if I were very diligent. I want the kids to believe they can do anything they really want to do. At the same time I want them to know if they try something and fail, it's ok to go in a different direction, or try again.

Hair

I asked H what he would do if a girl liked his hair it was looking so good. He agreed it looked pretty much perfect. He said he would tell her they should be friends first. Later he wondered what he would do if 2 girls were fighting over him. I said girls don't usually fight. Of course that is probably not true. I said it was important that if a girl liked him that he wasn't crazy about that he be nice to her anyway. He agreed to that. C was super excited to come to school today bc H was going to be his reading buddy. H read to C last night better than I have ever heard him read. It was so cute bc he was also sounding out some of the words for him. C didn't cry at drop off this morning which was good. I stayed w him in line in the gym then walked him into his room w Ms B. I have been on computer and sitting for last 3 days taking care of a lot of junk I had let pile up. I'm sore from sitting. I love my PT sessions on Wed morning. Fun and effective. We have a budget set and I entered it into a website today. Things seem to be looking up.

I love you

C tells me he loves me more than once a day. It's usually followed by tackling. Sometimes he says I love you so bad, and sometimes he says he loves me more than I love him. Impossible. H used to say I luf you a lot, but now I have to remind myself to say it to him out loud. I love him so much I forget he can't read my mind. 

Those balls

C asked me what color those balls are under his peeer. I gave him a mirror and let him check it out. He was satisfied. They both stay naked after we go swimming and nonchalantly do what I guess boys do while they're watching tv or the iPad or something. Yesterday H was crying I didn't get him an end of year present. I gave him a millennium falcon I had bought for him that I was going to sell I thought he didn't want and said that was an early end of year present for him and C. He doesn't remember that. Then he finally says he wants to give his half to C and he wants his own present. I told him there was no such thing as an end of year present. That no one else gets one. He is still upset about it. Today we went to Bartholomew Pool. It was super crowded. C can't tread water yet so I still worry about him some. I still don't want H to get very far out of my reach. I'm very paranoid about them getting in an accident or run over in the parking lot. I worry about that too much. H is obsessed w a game called fnaf. He makes me and B watch these videos and promises they will be so funny, and are more like a bad acid trip. We don't get it. But we watch and listen to him talk about it and try to laugh. We're going to beach for 3 days. I'm excited bc the kids are.  H jumps around the entire time he's watching tv or playing video games from the bosu to the trampoline to sofa. 

SWAT team

C bought a swat team uniform for himself today. He is wearing just the vest and the helmet at the park. It's about 90 degrees and very humid. This is the second time today I have gotten extremely sweaty as I went to Bootcamp for the first time at my friend's gym. I was the only one who couldn't do everything. I had to skip one of the ladder drills bc I thought I was going to throw up. 

SWAT team

C bought a swat team uniform for himself today. He is wearing just the vest and the helmet at the park. It's about 90 degrees and very humid. This is the second time today I have gotten extremely sweaty as I went to Bootcamp for the first time at my friend's gym. I was the only one who couldn't do everything. I had to skip one of the ladder drills bc I thought I was going to throw up.