the Joy of taking appropriate responsibility

Exchanged emails with DID, and I am very impressed with his Maturity and Willingness to learn about himself and me. Not only to make him a more effective instructor, but to lift each of us up to be better Humans. I wrongly assumed he just cringed and wished I would get over it, regarding my being extra-sensitive. I did not sense cringing from his email. He seems genuinely willing to Adapt and Grow. I feel the same way. My "c>::" prompt with him is, "make Dad proud of you," which puts me in this tense and child-like place. Staying present is the key! Duh!

Still feeling grateful I tried to find "egomaniac with an inferiority complex" in the Literature. I still haven't found it, nor have I found anyone who can, but I was reminded of so many gem-mantras. "God is either everything or he is nothing," implying God is with us in the Present, but not in the future or in the past. The reason why those places are cryptic and often painful, at worst, and at best, are diverting our attention away from our Gift - the Present!

Was mindful to stay Present yesterday while walking Hank to get my allergies shots. That objective, in itself, is a meditation. To not verbally chastise myself when I get into the future, or on occasion, the past, is the challenge. Instead, recall Mary Steinhardt. "Isn't that interesting?"

I started writing an erotic novel, which none of you will ever read. It's kind of a special interest erotic novel. I'll be just that cryptic and stop. I told Brad, and he thought I said, "a neurotic novel." I have already written that one. It's called "my blog." Although, I actually do have another one I have started about family vacations in NM. Wrote 3 pages yesterday during Hank's nap.

Looking so forward to the salsa workshop today, practicing with DPB, and seeing the performances tonight!!! Does that count as not being in the Present? I don't think so. I guess the key to looking forward to something is not predicting the outcomes.

Wade in the Water

After going through the litany of songs from gymnastics, ABC, Blackbird, and Yellow Submarine, I sang Swing Low, Sweet Chariot to Hank last night. Don't know why that occurred to me. Of course, I'd like to think it's the alto vocal cords I was born with that Hank likes, but I have read that babies up to a certain age like the sound of their mother's singing even if she is completely tone deaf. And, I know, one of these days, I will hear, "aw, mom!" when I break into song, but right now I am enjoying thinking he is soothed by every note.
He still lets me pick a little on the guitar, too, before he goes for the tuning knobs. I think I'll add some other "old, negro spirituals" to our bedtime set. Is that what we're supposed to call them? Civil War-era African American folk music. How's that? I prefer black and white. I actually prefer whitey for folks like me, but you can't use it in scientific literature (such as this blog).

Looking forward to watching some dancing this weekend at the CCSF. Also, getting to go to a couple of workshops taught by the male world champion. Wonder if he can make me cry? haha.
(No one can MAKE anyone cry. I know). And some social dancing with people I will hopefully never see again. Had ANOTHER replay with DID. We agreed he will say, "stinky feet," when he feels himself transforming into the Hulk when my right arm is too relaxed or not relaxed enough.

Universe, please bring me a neutral dance partner with whom I can practice. Love, Meredith
(Yes, I know you already brought DPB, but because he didn't hear your message, you're gonna have to send another one. Thanks).

nothing going on

I always remember Mickey B saying to me, probably around this time of year, "Meredith, you are the only one who doesn't think you have 'hit bottom.'" I imagine him saying the opposite to me, today. "Meredith, you are the only one who thinks there is any drama. There is none." Correct.
I think I just missed reading Twilights and wanted something to think about. Not necessary. And, it's not like I don't have enough to actually DO. I guess escaping in fantasy, be it someone else's or my own, from time to time, withOUT taking hostages, is permitted.

Looking for "egomaniac with an inferiority complex" in a book, and instead was reminded of so many mantras that used to occupy my thoughts..."see what we can pack into the stream of life"..."what can we give, not what can we get"...and one that I think about, still, from time to time, "everyday IS Groundhog Day."

My head is stuffy from the sinus infection that I think has been waxing and waning for weeks and never fully waned. Finally went to doc. Got some prednisone. Look out, dirty house! (Actually, it's already pretty clean).

I'll let you know

when I have a normal dream. Last night I dreamed I went on a long, plastic roller coaster with Mindy Montfort after meeting Diana on a high bridge over Lake Austin where she worked (outside). Then met the actual DA I would be working with. We ate pimento cheese sandwiches on the top floor of the courthouse building. Told me his wife had been arrested in Europe for ordering a fruity drink that had been misinterpreted. Made an escape from an interior subway stand inside a high-rise building. Told them we were in the Swedish music program for children (through high school). Apparently, it was not mean to kids, but they slept like sardines stacked in closely packed containers. Woke up with a foot on my neck...

Despite reasons for, I have decided against DPB being a good DP for moi. My level of attractedness at neutral (neither attracted to, nor repelled by) was the most appealing, but height, skill, and our goals seemed like good reasons. But he has irritated me to the point of thinking it's a bad idea. So, beyond our LB team performance, no more!

In bad news, I keep getting sinus infections!!! Boo.
In good news, Nana is coming back to town!!! Yeah.

so much to say

Been writing to you a lot, lately, world. Got home from teaching and Hank and Brad were asleep. I ate, showered, and now have what appears to be some free time on my hands. I think the couch is calling my name. I don't want to risk waking anyone up. DIT and his wife came to my weight-lifting class. I am impressed with their core strength! I was very thrilled to have them there. I was nervous, and it was not as good of a class as it usually is. DIT is such a good teacher. I felt goofy teaching in front of him. Silly.
Had a good practice with DPB yesterday, before official practice, and during. We have lots in common. Some of which explain some of his eccentricities. I'm sure he feels the same way about me and mine. There is part in the blues section where I walk backwards, facing him, and am shimmying my shoulders. He is on his knees. I told him I will die if I look at him during that part. I think it's true. It's a character to be played. It will take courage, but I will risk death to try it. We have the choreo down well for the Lindy section. We have most of the blues section, and it's not hard, it's just a matter of getting the timing and steps down. Then, I suppose when we feel bored with all the steps, we add styling. That will be fun, too. Although, having the acoustic version of Layla in my head is driving me a little nuts.
Way to go, Texas, yesterday!!! Colt told Bradford he was praying for him after the game, while he hugged him. Colt also hugged Bob Stoops. Ew. But, so sweet. Texas said it was an honor to play against a man such as Bradford, the Heisman Trophy winner. So humble and magnanimous. I love that. And they did service work this summer. So great. Way to go, Mac Brown!!! Power used for Good!!!

I know what to do...

One is easy, simple, not without effort, but always with a smile, and always leaving me with a smile. One is moody, always changing. One minute everything is fine, the next minute, it's all wrong. One is always authentic and wants to know my authentic self. I can't tell if the other one is or not, or cares about me at all or not. It so straightforward, but I guess the rest of my life is so completely without drama, that I keep wishing the hardware store will finally be stocking bread.
I think another one is trying to quit me entirely, but that just may be my ego with an inferiority complex. Today was good until about an hour ago. Tomorrow get to do lots of dancing. I look forward to that.

Very rough first part of Rumba with DIT with DID talking in background

Had a fun lesson with DID, although I feel like I have no idea how to cha cha, now.
And had a very fun lesson with DIT, afterwards. We are going to take out the hug (wow, it looks silly when I do it!), but the end has a crazy (for me) long pivot turn with us connected, and the ragdoll, which I had never done before today.

it's the B's

I think I have felt like a "normal person" for the last week or so due to getting enough B vitamins.  That's the only variable in my intake that has changed, and it's been easy to do the things I had planned, and leave the house when I intended.  I suppose this, too, shall pass, but I am riding it as long as I can.

Just got some really awesome news.  I get to teach a class at UT in the spring.  An undergraduate class I took as a grad student for my diss - Theories of Substance Abuse Prevention.  Wow.  That is so awesome!!!

Had a lesson with DIT for the 1st time in a couple of weeks.  Took longer to remember the routine, consequently.  And I think we are getting rid of the hug.  Mostly because I am having a hard time getting out of it.  He is so sweet and fun.  Tomorrow a double whammy with DID then DIT.  I am looking forward to it.  (I should say today, because I woke up hungry at 2 am).

I've been bugging DPB to become "official dance partners".  I don't think he's into the idea.  Maybe for obvious reasons, but maybe I am being silly.  I keep fantasizing about how awesome it would be to have a dance partner, and frankly, him in particular.  We practiced together the other day outside regular practice, and it would be so fun to practice with the same person all the time and for free.  He is reasonable and not creepy, and it seems like our strengths and weaknesses are well-balanced.  I am so inclined to force my will on people, though.  I think I need to let it go.

I woke up hungry, but I also woke up thinking when I tell myself, or DID tells me to "relax," it has the opposite effect.  I was kind of tense about not remembering parts of the Rumba, and it did not work to tell myself, "relax!"  It only works to tell myself to "relax" in the same way I would tell Hank to "relax."  I felt plenty relaxed in my consciousness.  I even enjoyed the crazed giddiness of the swim teamers yesterday, but for whatever reason was irritated at myself for the brain farts.

Listening to Bon Iver.  DPB and my friend, Dane, mentioned them regarding ACL, and Dane highly recommended I get the 2 records.  He is awesome.  I was thinking that Dave Matthews' Before These Crowded Streets was the last record I wanted to make-out to before these 2.  "Blood Bank" is seriously hot.  I think the last time I made out to DM was in the year 2000.  That is funny.  Colorado.  I tried to make out with Brad to Bad Company, and he made fun of me.  I could have laughed, but it hurt my feelings.  It was kind of funny.  That was probably in 2003 or 2004.  I remember I wanted to make out with TZ to DM, before I met Brad.  That is pretty funny, too.  Seems like God led me with that record - from CO, to TZ, and all the way to Brad.

Hank reportedly had a "great day" at school on Tuesday, despite crying when I left.  That is the most heart-breaking sensation of all time.  And I had to keep talking myself down off the ledge of heart-break, but I got SO much cleaning done, and saw a client while he was at school, so it was a great 4 hours for both of us.

OK, ate some waffles.  Back to bed!

back to trugding the road of

So sleepy tonight, then woke right up at 2:00 AM for some reason.  Thinking about my showcase fundraiser, need to get back on the donation solicitation band wagon.  Garage sale - 1 step at a time.  Start with pricing a couple of items each day.  Spending some structured quality time with Hank each day.  I think it's time to move from organic and self-directed play, towards some slightly more formal exposure to different activities.  Gradually, for fun and for free, but with mom as a fun leader/companion.
Finished Breaking Dawn.  Loved the series, but sad it's over.  I find myself drifiting off to sleep dreaming about Edward and Bella.  Looking forward to some where I star as Bella.  : )  I know my subconscious is good for it.  OK, back to sleep.  Still sleepy.  Must be alert for Lindy and Blues practice tomorrow.
Enjoyed having the 95% relaxed Brad on the trip this weekend.
Enjoyed watching high school from a distance and without pain that used to accompany it.  No longing, just peaceful observation and delight.  What a miracle.

in between illnesses, life is good

Just a little complaint that Hank McGermington brings home germs from school, and they have a medium time on him, but realize the party starts when they get home to immune system- compromised mom and dad, and especially mom. They feel like a death bed, but fortunatey only last 2-3 days.
Up in Big D. Played the ESD BBQ Homecoming. I was mistaken, although this class of seniors is graduation in 2010, it is the 2009, 1999, and 1989's we are celebrating this fall. Doesn't seem logical to me, but oh well. The facilities are just fantastic. Like a fancy college campus. Especially in arts and sciences. Good for them. I wish them well. I am super sleepy and am signing off. Back in Austin for Lindy practice at 12 tomorrow.
OK, I am so sleepy!
Finished Breaking Dawn. So excellent. Want MORE!
PS I had a huge epiphany regarding salsa and social partner dancing versus other partner dances. More later. Don't lose any fingergnails, though...

went well

Trip to MI went well.  Worrying is never worth it.  Although it did make for one pleasant surprise after another.  Flights to MI were great.  I now love Continental Airlines.  Every single employee from the ground crew to the pilot went out of his/her way to be sweet.  So sweet!  Of course, staying at D&D's was great.  More baby-proof than our place.  Mostly because the electronic devices were inaccessible.  They were extremely hospitable.  So much more than I am.  (Progress, not perfection).  Of course, the wedding was great.  Hank and I walked around the front yard during the ceremony, but the rest of the time, he went with the flow.  I was irked, but should have been glad, he was mostly more content to sit with an uncle than with me.  Went to a neat event downtown on Sunday.  I had a hypoglycemic fugue, but once I decided to eat some of Hank's snacks, I was fine.  Brad and I enjoyed ourselves, wink wink, nudge nudge.  I feel like I am already pregnant, but am probably just having PMS.  Had a dark mental cloud removed last night at my lesson with DIT.  He is the opposite of moody.  Almost finished reading Eclipse, the 3rd in the Twilight series.  LOVE IT.  Robert Pattinson is so yummy.  The gal who plays Bella is cute, too.  I'm not sure I want to see the movie, though.  Right now, I have my own images, and I don't want them ruined.  MAYBE after I finish Breaking Dawn.  Sometime next week?  I don't think I have ever been able to stay up late reading until these books.  Millions of teenaged girls were dead on!  Off to ride the bike and finish reading!!!  Love