Monday, September 27, 2010

Bodybuilding Diet

Body building requires discipline in and out of the gym. Doing the correct exercises in the correct order, with the correct form are certainly the cornerstones of successful body building. However, without the proper nutritional composition and quantities of macronutrients (food), the chances of making the podium are low.

Most body builders are aware that muscles are essentially composed of protein, and few body builders neglect to eat enough protein. There are two key concerns regarding protein: eating complete proteins, those composed of the eight, essential amino acids, and consuming the proper amount of protein based on your weight and activity level.

There are eight essential amino acids required for building muscle, and our bodies cannot synthesize these without our ingesting all eight of them over the course of a day. Animal meats contain what are called, "complete proteins," meaning the meat alone contains everything necessary for muscle building. There are vegetarian options, also. Quinoa (pronounced "keen-wah") is a grain that also happens to be a complete protein. (The website quinoa.com has more information about quinoa and how to prepare it). Eating beans and rice in one sitting creates a complete protein. Certainly, it takes more sheer volume of the vegetarian options to amass the number of grams of protein required, but it certainly can be done.

As far as how much protein to eat, you can calculate this figure yourself based on your body weight. Ed Coyle, an exercise physiologist who studies human performance at the University of Texas, uses a rule of thumb based on body weight of 1.2 to 1.5 grams of protein per kilogram body weight. (You can convert your weight in pounds into kilograms by dividing by 2.2. E.g., 150 pounds, divided by 2.2 equals 68 kilograms). Therefore, this body builder would need to consume between 82 and 102 grams of protein per day.

As far as how much to eat, in terms of calories per day, both your body weight and activity level should be considered. The short answer is, a 150 pound man burns approximately 400 calories per hour while doing vigorous weight lifting. A more individualized answer may be found on a website densely packed with helpful nutritional information: mypyramid.gov, published by the USDA. You can easily track your calorie intake and nutritional composition by creating a free profile and entering your diet each day. Most foods are already listed in their directory, but you can add foods, also. Along with your diet, you can track your activity level. Again, most activities are already listed, including vigorous weight lifting. What other activities you do during the day may also be entered, and should be, particularly if you are very active at work. The net result, calculated on the website, provides feedback as to whether you are meeting demands of RDA’s for micronutrients (vitamins and minerals) and macronutrients (food) relative to your activity level.

Beginning body builders may err on the side of eating too few carbohydrates. In order to synthesize (create) muscle, your body needs the insulin response facilitated by eating carbohydrate. Insulin is an anabolic hormone, (yes, the same anabolic as in steroids) but it is totally legal. Essentially, eating carbohydrates, along with complete proteins, catalyzes an optimal amount of protein synthesis. Eating too few carbohydrates tends to result in muscular catabolism (Eek! That means break-down). Muscles need fuel to contract, and the primary fuel they use is glucose in the bloodstream. Without enough carbohydrate, your weight-training performance (you will not be able to lift as much weight) will be suboptimal, and/or you may end up undoing some of your hard work that would normally result in muscular anabolism (building).

The amount of carbohydrate to consume is not as easily calculable as is the amount of protein. Most nutritionists would have you consuming 50-70% of your day’s total calories from carbohydrate. If you are already consuming 10-30% of your day’s total calories from protein, that leaves 10-30% of your calories from fat. We now know the composition of macronutrients does not determine body weight, caloric balance does. In other words, the number of calories in (what you eat) minus the number of calories out (what you do) should be zero if you want to remain weight stable. However, while eating a diet of 100% fat would make you feel pretty horrible, if you were in caloric balance, you would not gain weight.

In the early stages of bodybuilding, a caloric surplus is required to gain weight, hopefully, mostly, in the form of muscle. Adhering to your weight-training program, while eating the appropriate number of calories per day, comprised of the appropriate proportions of macronutrients will maximize your muscular gain. Additionally, if you are a man, you have an additional anabolic hormone in greater quantities than does a woman, testosterone! Testosterone, along with the insulin response and another few hormones (Insulin-like growth factor, IGF-1 and human growth hormone, HGH), facilitate your synthesizing muscle. Yes, women have testosterone, too, (it is the primary hormone responsible for our sex-drive, by the way) but women have less of it.

To answer the question how much carbohydrate to eat, it depends. For example, if you are very active during the day, you do an hour of vigorous weight-lifting every day, and you weigh 150 pounds, you would need approximately 2000-2500 calories from normal activity, plus 400 calories from weight-lifting, for a total of 2400-2900 calories. We already calculated that a 150 pound body builder should eat 82-102 grams of protein per day. Protein and carbohydrate each have 4 calories per gram. Fat has 9 calories per gram. Here’s the math using our macronutrient guidelines and calculated requirements:

4 calories x 100 grams protein = 400 calories per day from protein

(400/2400 = approximately 15% calories per day from protein)

4 calories x approximately 400 grams carbohydrate = 65% calories per day from carbohydrate

9 calories x approximately 50 grams fat = 20% calories from fat

There are many websites that will help you calculate your basal metabolic (BMR) and actual metabolic rates, including: caloriesperhour.com, tooelehealth.org, and the aforementioned mypyramid.gov. The most precise way to determine your BMR is indirect calorimetry, which uses expired air when you are fasted to determine your actual BMR. Most people do not have access to this tool, and using tables that list calories expended per time doing activity are perfectly adequate.

Body builders (and most Americans) dream of the magic food or supplement that will provide perfect results. But, just like your mother used to say, “if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” The main attribute of a protein supplement, if you do not want to simply get your protein from real food, is that it contain the 8 essential amino acids. Claims that medium chain or branch-chain amino acids are more "bio-available" than other forms of protein are unfounded. If you enjoy the convenience and lack of math required by using a protein supplement, and you do not mind the expense, protein supplements are an easy way to ensure you are getting the right amount. However, use caution regarding the other ingredients in the protein supplement. Some supplements have been found to contain banned substances in competition, or simply ingredients you do not want to be ingesting. A reputable health food store can steer you in the correct direction (wholefoods.com and traderjoes,com, among others).

In terms of micronutrients (vitamins and minerals), you should check with your primary care physician, using your blood counts, but simply following the USRDA’s for your age and your sex is a good rule of thumb. You do not need mega-doses of anything for bodybuilding. In fact, mega-doses of some micronutrients might upset your stomach, which could hinder a workout on any given day.

The rest of the nutritional guidelines from the USDA food pyramid apply to bodybuilders, too. The current recommendation for servings of fruits and vegetables is 9 a day. The best sources of carbohydrate are complex, whole grains. Lean meats, fish, and beans lead the preference for sources of protein. Lastly, polyunsaturated fats, such as those contained in olive oil, avocado, and nuts, to name a few, with a minimal amount of saturated fats, are recommended sources.

Some experimentation early in the season (or in your career as a bodybuilder) in terms of what and how much to eat will provide valuable, individualized information. Near competitions, many body builders eat very few carbohydrates, fats, or salt, in order to optimize their appearances. These practices, while common, are not founded in scientific research. Additionally, you should always check with your primary care physician before beginning an exercise program.



Written in response to a solicitation for bodybuilding supplements. There are not any supplements required for body building.

Friday, September 24, 2010

wasting time

Didn't cause it, can't change it, cant cure it. Had a busy week. Draw to pursue frivolity this morning rather than finishing tasks. C'est d'accord. Looking forward to some NCAA football tomorrow. One more week of teaching at UT. It's been real! My 150+ kid class was super talky yesterday, both participating in class discussion and talking while I was talking. What the heck. I've never been to a college class where the teacher had to tell the class more than once to stop talking. Annoying. They are young and still loyal to the family body politic, for the most part.

win me, two!

Blue Fall
Kaboodle
Blue Fall by meredithlouise

win me!

Just Dance
Kaboodle
Just Dance by meredithlouise

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Not much

I don't like fox, foxnews, or now, foxsports. Couldn't watch the game, yesterday. Fell asleep while listening on the radio. Texas won. I have a star Longhorn in one of my classes....

Don't have much to say, just had a little time before the J and have currently caught up on most of my school preps. Watched some of the Buena Vista Social Club movie yesterday. We've been talking in classes about the relationship between wealth and health in US, and I think it's a different story in Cuba. No one has any money, and there is federally funded healthcare. The Cuban musicians who played on the grammy-winning album were between 60-90 years old, life-long cigars smokers, and smiling from ear to ear every time they were caught on camera. It seems the deadly combination for folks is to be poor and move to the US. Although, of course, the universal healthcare is probably the common denominator of health every where else in the world. Newly immigrated folks fare better on health than average Americans for their first 5 years here. After that, they quickly surpass "average" Americans on chronic diseases. It seems, until we do get universal healthcare here, that the only hope is to teach mind/body stress management techniques. And Martin Seligman's learned optimism skills.

Speaking of poor, I decided to stop taking dance classes and lessons until further notice. I am sad about it, but think it's the right thing to do. Have been trying to get in 30 minutes of aerobic exercise most days of the week since I got my 1-hour glucose tolerance test results back. Although, gestational diabetes does not have the behavioral causes that type II diabetes does. In fact, I have none of the risk factors. However, it is a hormonal response to pregnancy hormones and sometimes insulin production cannot keep up with the glucose needed to grow the fetus. They did take my blood 10 minutes early, but I don't think the full hour would have gotten me under the limit. I have to go for the 3 hour test on Friday. A drag. I hope I can sleep between draws. 3 hours is a long time to waste. I've been totally out of reading mode, lately.

Hank is starting to get used to the ECP. It's been 2 weeks. Brad has been taking him in the mornings. He cries on the way to school, but apparently cries not at all or much less after Brad passes him off. It is challenging. I don't want him to think we are discounting his feelings. I do want him to be able to be comforted by others or by himself, but I don't know if this is the right time to do it. I suppose if he cried during the day or long after Brad left, there would be more reason to be concerned. And I guess 2 year-olds don't know how to stuff their feelings. I've been trying not to think about it and trust he is in the care of loving adults and gaining valuable life skills. When I pick him up he looks content or involved in come activity. That seems like a good sign. He loves making challah on Thursdays, and they have been making it with chocolate chips! That's a pretty sure way to earn his approval. My dad used to say about me, I would eat sawdust, if it had enough salt and grease on it. I disagree, but I do think Hank would eat anything so long as the main ingredient were chocolate chips. Brad, too, for that matter.

Did you know Ramadan just ended?
Eid-Al-Fitr (End of Ramadan): September 10, 2010

And the first of the High Holy Days in Judaism just ended. Happy 5571!

I like tradition and ritual. I don't like seemingly antiquated or random "rules." I don't like paying lip-service to something I don't endorse. I don't think there is a religion that already suits me. The Episcopal church comes close, but it comes closer in the way it is practiced than the way it is written. E.g. The Nicene Creed (Did you know that is 1700 years old)? I don't believe Jesus is the only son of God. I don't believe there is only one Apostolic church. I know nothing about Muhammed and can't say he isn't God's son. Or the Divinity of Mary, Mother Theresa, or plenty of anonymous folks who regularly engage in Divine acts.
I also don't think God cares anymore if we mix up the plates for meat and dairy, but it was a good idea to keep them separate before the industrial revolution and pasteurization. I think tradition can adapt. Can't it? It seems humans of all ages are comforted by sameness and ritual day after changing day. Like Groundhog Day. Like watching the same episode of Caillou over and over and OVER. : )
I like going to church for the organ music, a few of the convocations, a few of the prayers, and sometimes the reminders the sermon provides. I don't like reciting things I don't think are true - I don't want to be inauthentic AND I don't want to feel a part from.
I don't think there is a church with big enough arms AND high enough ritual for me. One of my favorite things about Judaism is that so much ritual is in the home. I want to engage in that. I guess the thing is to begin today.
I have been able to maintain a Groundhog Day attitude regarding Brad and our differences. I guess it's only one difference, and it is a difference of opinion about what something should look like. We have been at an impasse regarding this issue in particular, which he worries about more than I will, basically, from I do. I feel able to enjoy his company despite not enjoying his attitude or behavior regarding the issue. It seems he cannot quite let go of what he thinks about me long enough to enjoy me for very long. I feel peaceful that I am doing my best, and that is all I can do. I know he is doing his best, too. Even though, I suppose we each have different opinions about what's the others' best should look like. That is a divider.
I think quitting dancing was my way of stepping across the line towards him. I don't need a standing ovation, but I would like some acknowledgment of my grief. Choices the other one makes are personal and not really the others' business. I also think what I think and how I feel are not up for debate. I sometimes feel invaded that he has telepathically interpreted my thought processes and decided they are incorrect. Thought processes are none of the others' business. Whatever mental and/or spiritual path I take to I get to where I am is legal. When the family is affected by the actions of a member, of course, the line is very blurry. And, I suppose my perceptions must be cloudy because I mostly hang around people above my SES, which makes me feel frugal in comparison. I don't get my hair done, makeup, facials, massage, mani-pedis, go out to eat, buy clothes (very often, and I never pay retail!), have the latest electronic gadget, have cable tv, go to expensive activities by myself or with HH. I am pretty sure other women do some or all of these things because I either hear about them and see they have been done. I suppose just because I do not do the "norm," whatever that is, does not mean the norm is "correct," or the way I should do it. And, I guess I need to recommit myself to the Your Money or Your Life techniques. I think I got rid of a lot of stuff I didn't need after reading that book for the second time. Maybe I can get to a deeper level this time. It is the new year, after all. 5571!
OK, don't panic. Today is a day we must carry the message. Man, double a would be my perfect church if we had a couple of organ hymns during the meeting...But, I suppose that would scare the shit out of newcomers. haha

Trust God, Clean House, Help Others.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Ebates

Check it out...
Ebates - cash back for purchases you normally make, anyway.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Been nesting and reading 700 page books

Just been busy with HH and cleaning and cleaning out the house. I am determined to get rid of these fungus gnats that seem to have no origin. Been scanning in more old stuff, backing it up on google docs, facebook, and flickr. Finished reading the Stieg Larsson trilogy and just watched the Swedish movie. Enjoyed learning a little bit about Swedish culture. They eat lots of sandwiches, drink lots of coffee, and are the opposite of puritanical.

Been looking for a job with no luck. Edited some papers via liveperson.com, but the end of the semester has brought an end to those jobs. Did get hired by Western International University and will be teaching an online class similar to the one I taught this spring. I am looking forward to that. I'll be wearing a Madonna mic and headset, and I will probably buy a webcam, but it's not required. I think they are cheap. BH was supposed to start school this fall, but is not going to. No comment.

HH is starting school at the J-ECP this fall. Theoretically, he can go 8:30-2:30 5 days a week. I wanted him in the MWF program, but it was full. I imagine we will be starting with a much abbreviated schedule. He does like school, though. Maybe he will get into it quicker than I think. Spring will be great for us because the new baby and I will be able to rest while he is at school. I want to be able to have enough energy to interact with HH (and baby, and BH) whenever they desire.

Nana got HH a few awesome toys and furniture at IKEA the other day. I had never thought much about looking there, but I did get him a dolphin there when he was an infant. I want to get a new highchair for baby, there, too. BH laughed I wanted to get HH an abacus. Kids having been learning to count for 2000 years with those things. Plus they have colored beads....

Not dancing much. Once a week with DID, and trying to practice at home by myself. He has been super nice and patient with me. I hope to learn all the routines for C&W comps in time to be able to perform them with him in about oh, a year or so. My SI joint is driving me crazy, however. 22 weeks as of yesterday!

Think that's about it.
Love,

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

not letting oxytocin make the decisions

Entertaining ideas about dog adoption, again. Samoyeds! What snapped me out of it was Brad describing a sweet, 16 year-old boy he saw on the news who wanted to be adopted. We should adopt him. The Texas Adoption Resource Exchange has LOTS of sweet looking kids ages 9-17! Of course, I realize the description is not going to say "this kid is a real pain in the neck," or have an unflattering photo of the kid shooting the bird or something, but what made me realize it was not reasonable to make this change at this time, because there were few I did not want to adopt. I don't really want a teenage girl, and I don't want a kid with severe physical disabilities.
So, we'll wait until this infant enters the world before considering bringing home one who is almost out of the nest. Texas actually pays for college for these kids. Pretty cool thing Texas does considering how many uncool things we do (TYC, for one, small example). But, I do want to remember the ideals of our family: community service, spiritual development, and proliferation of the species. #1&3 encompass kid adoption. #2, dog adoption.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Oxytocin and the adrenal cortex

I was thinking I could stay in Austin while BH and HH went to MI for a few days. I am PG, I don't like the beach, they can have dad/son time, blah blah. I thought about how much I could work and get done around the house. Rest. Clean. Get organized. Um, no. I can't be away from HH for more than a few hours. BH, well, darling, it's half your DNA. Not quite the same draw, but I am clingier than usual to BH, too. It will be expensive if we all go, and therefore may not be in the cards, but if they go, I go!

Recent reading list completions:
Other Voices, Other Rooms I didn't care for it, but am glad I read something by Capote. I couldn't handle taking on his Pulitzer Prize winner.
The Old Man and the Sea The most uplifting tragedy I have ever encountered. I always knew I loved Hemingway.
The Road Jesus Christ another very sad story. I thought it would make a pretty good movie. Apparently, it already has been made into a movie....
The Girl Who Played with Fire I'm about 300 pages into which I don't even think is halfway. It's a little tedious because I feel like nothing has happened, but I guess like Capote his descriptions are rich.

Movies:
Remember Me 4/5 stars from me. RPattz is an excellent actor. The story was compelling, and the movie was well-made.
Intermission Sucky British indie comedy with some heavy hitters.
Cinderella Man Medium. Like Crowe. Don't like Zellweiger. Like the happy ending of the traditional American movie.

Sick munchkin awakes!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Letter from Texas Summer Gymnastics Camp

I posted this on fb, but had to share it, again. Been on my mind after taking HH to gymnastics 2x this week. This was a letter I wrote my parents from Texas Summer Gymnastics Camp in Kerrville, TX when I was about 8 or 9. I remember liking the camp. My 2nd overnight camp. Better than church camp. Foam pits and balance beams in the middle of the woods and being starving between lunch and dinner and getting to buy a candy bar. What a luxurious treat. I also remember shocking myself plugging in a fan after getting out of the shower. Here's what I wrote my parents.

Dilemma of Bilbliophile

I got an Austin Public Library card yesterday. Feeling pretty proud of myself, I went through my Amazon wishlist, and deleted books one by one while adding them to my APL list. Unfortunately, APL does not keep your list, it just makes it for you once, to print or email. I was able to back out of the browser to print and email it. 21 pages. Not going to abandon Amazon, after all. There were several "more scholarly" books APL didn't have, and my revised, bookless wish list looked like one of a 10 year-old Asian girl, a 13 year-old white girl, and a 40 year-old Latino. Not that there's anything wrong with any of those, but my fiction wishlist just sort of mushed everything into looking like that of a somewhat sane person.

I've been a little disappointed in a few of the "classics" I started reading and didn't finish - Lady Chatterly's Lover for one. I realize it's the historical context that is the importance to note, but it was so SLOW and so unscandalous, I was too bored to get a little past halfway when she hooks up with her woodsman lover. Number 2, The French Lieutenant's Woman. I usually like the whole secret, repressed like of far-off love, (typical of English films) but again, not scandalous enough for me, and too slow. Oh, Tiger Woods, and Elliot Spitzer, your debauchery has ruined me for enjoying lesser debaucheries. I was thinking about Tiger Woods when speculative news of his 2nd lovechild surfaced. Those poor, adultery-committing men leave evidence in every tryst. If a woman is unfaithful, she is in control of the offspring, or lack thereof. I guess John Edwards' gal either made a mistake or a very calculated decision. I'm not going to throw any stones, just thinking about the rights of women in most parts of the world, American women have more freedom in every area of their lives.

For the record, I 100% approve of President Obama's performance in office. He is doing the best he can, and I appreciate how he talks with us like we are adults. I wish he hadn't said, "make no mistake," the other night, though. Sounded too W.

Watched the first 2 episodes of Band of Brothers. While I appreciate the subject matter and the producers' objective of accuracy, I found the dialogue and human interactions too contrite and irritating. Especially David Schwimmer. I realize his character was supposed to be annoying, but it was too annoying to enjoy. Not going to watch any more of the series.

HH is back in gymnastics and loving it. There is one rowdy boy in his class, and the rest are girls. He is a cautious dare-devil. I see a lot of me in his behavior. If there's a herd of kids around something, he goes where no one is. Before he really lets loose on something, he observes. Still not crazy about the bouncy jumper. But once he gets going on something, that wide-mouthed grin. Wow. It's non-sexually orgasmic to see.

Oh, yeah, the dilemma. To buy paperbacks and eat the cost ($1-$5) or buy hard backs and sell them back at a small loss (from Costco or Amazon to Amazon), or keep either because they are so good, or use this cumbersome, transient APL list, which requires leaving the house 2x for 1 book. Doesn't seem as easy a decision as I initially thought. Right now I am selling off Twilight stars' magazines - Bazaar with KS and RP - $10! People with the same cover stars- $5! Also just got $5 for a 1994 Clyde Drexler, Portland Trailblazers magnet card. That was totally worth keeping for 16 years. : / Speaking of Portland, congratulations to my longtime, good friend Dawn on her recent nuptials!!!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Don't worry, I'm just pregnant

Sorry for neglecting you, world. I have been pregnant and tired. I am still pregnant (15.5 weeks, but am feeling a little peppier). No drama to report or process. No longer friends with the friend who received much press. Finished teaching my UT class, and it was awesome. I hope I can do it again, sometime. I just applied to teach online courses from Western International University. I will find out in 2 weeks if my online powerpoint presentation with Madonna microphone narration was acceptable. Been dancing, but not nearly as much. BH is working like crazy, of course, and between that and being tired, I haven't been going to group classes. Back with DID as my regular teacher. I think we have reached an understanding, and I have reached a level of comfortability with my body, moving my body, and someone else touching my body while dancing. The C&W dances come easiest to me. I think because they require relative rigidity without demanding ballroom posture. I still love the Latin stuff, though. DID showed me a shine the other day we are going to add to and work on. I can work on it at home because I finally got a mirror in the exercise room. It's 3 door mirrors glued together and hung on the wall. $18 total cost. I kept looking and looking, Craigslist, 2nd hand shops, Target, Hobby Lobby. Mirrors are expensive! Who knew. Thrift stores don't accept wall mirrors because of the high probability for breakage. Craigslist has wall mirrors, but the ones I found were always in Lakeway or Kyle or Cedar Park, and now this Austinite does not like to go anywhere that's more than about 15 minutes away. Most things are about 10 minutes away.
Well, I seem to have a lot to tell you, after all. Here are some books I have recently (past few months) read and movies I have recently seen.

Books:
The Kite Runner and 1000 Splendid Suns - VERY sad. People had been telling me these were "good," but failed to mention they are extremely heart-breaking. DO NOT want to see the movie!

War by Sebastian Junger. Really liked it. Heard him on NPR. Missed him at Book People. Gets into the drive for returning to combat - all about meaning and brotherly love.
Midnight Sun first 12 chapters. I found a bit torrent download so I could print the thing out. I don't know why Stephanie Meyers wanted us to have to read it on the computer. I have not commercially reproduced my copy. 2 pages per 8.5x11 page on the back of paper that was already printed on. Not too many dead trees.

Just started Other Voice, Other Rooms. Wanted something good, but not too dark. Want to read as many of the Pulitzer Prize winners as possible. I can't remember if he won for that one, might have been for In Cold Blood, but I can't handle hearing about any more cold blood for a while. Next The Old Man and the Sea.

On DVD:
Freaks and Geeks Season 1. Painful like Dazed and Confused. James Franco's character is so irritating, it's hard to enjoy his hotness. Lots of future ER actors
James Dean made for TNT movie with James Franco as Dean. Good. Stuff I didn't know about Dean.
The Hurt Locker. Good, but I am glad I read War, first. Adrenaline, yes, but these characters feel little of the love, it seems. Impressive that it was directed by a woman, and that Ralph Fiennes was the only star in the movie. The main character who is black looks like a black Tim Hodgkinson, FYI.
Osama Couldn't get through the whole thing. It was SOOOOOOO dark. Laos, subtitled in Arabic, and I don't actually get to "watch" many movies.
Brothers Netflix recommended it to me, which is unusual because I told Netflix I liked Brokeback Mountain, and all I get recommended to me are gay male movies. I didn't like Brokeback Mountain BECAUSE it was about gay men, although I do like gay men, catagorically, as a whole, I liked the movie because it was an excellent film. FYI, Netflix. Anyway, this sleeper was pretty good. And happy ending. Fairly happy for an Afghanistan War movie.
10 Things I Hate About You. I don't know why I thought this would be watchable. Beyond Bad. Sorry, Heath Ledger, RIP.
The Machinist. Yes, C Bale was GOOD in it, but the movie was just painful and boring.
Strictly Ballroom. Cute, mostly because it's Australian. The eccentricities of the ballroom world x 10.
Cumbia Callera. I loved this movie. Spanish language, but it's practically a silent film. Filmed in Monterrey, Mex. Just a quirky, very low budget movie about a young woman living in poverty who finds amusement with 2 completely different men. Callera means quiet, FYI. Cumbia is a dance.

Sooner than later.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Wow dream

Dreamed Brad and I bought a house that had a zoo. We found out one of the male, carnivorous cats had eaten the husband who used to live in the house. They let all the animals out regularly to roam the property. We were very appalled by the practice and couldn't believe they hadn't euthanized the tiger. We decided we would keep all the animals locked in their very comfortable and large enclosure, from now on. Then maybe we would be able to keep the tiger, but maybe not. There were a lot of empty salt water habitats. We also went to the family's other residence and it had lots of moldy, supposedly green appliances and a gym that was partly underwater. There was a weird tight rope thing that would drop you if didn't make it across.

PS I don't think I even ever reveal half of my inner most thoughts and feelings to you, world. There is much left unsaid. That's in a different book or not at all.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Another one?

When the wolf knocks on the door the first time, the piggies have to run or get eaten. The third time the wolf knocks on the door, don't give him a key or even a copy of the key, protect the piggies, then get everybody out of there!

If everyone acted exactly the way I wanted them to, all the time, why would I ever seek God? Their "misbhavior" drives me out of the way so God can do God's job.

Because humans are imperfect, their blessings are imperfect. The blessings they bring may come in the form of pain and suffering.

Opinions are like fingernails: everyone has them. Sometimes they look beautiful, and sometimes we need a manicure.

In case you missed this one below: Dear Blessings, it is unnecessary for you to come dressed in a disguise. In fact, your disguise is annyoing. Next time, just come dressed as you are, a Blessing!

My new favorite song: Caroline by Brandi Carlisle. I love her voice, the melody, and the piano. And the arrangement. It's super catchy - warning.

OK, read then sleep then Lindy!!!

Heysoos Kreesto

I can't believe I am still awake. TOO MUCH CAFFEINE. I am tired but not sleepy. Finished editing 2 papers for my Ugandan friend. I haven't danced, yet. Showered. Playing my guitar. Wrote on my notecards.
Here's my new blog idea. 365 days of hysterical thinking, grief, and joy.

Feeling your feelings and wallowing in self pity are 2 different things. They might look the same in a cross-sectional study, but they do not perform the same in a longitudinal study.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I made it!

I left Austin around 3:30 and arrived in my room around 8:00 pm. May I remind you I am highly educated and sometimes pretty smart. The google map was lame, and I was lost in the most armpitty and seediest parts of Houston for about 1.5 hrs. I didn't start getting very fatigued until the end, however. Got to talk with my old sponsor on the phone. I updated my facebook status WAY too many times. I read a few of the affirmation/meditation cards I made last night. They are funny. I like them.
Sponsor made me feel SOOO apart of. I am not alone. Dopamine withdrawal! Get it from somewhere more adaptive. Yes, and it doesn't have to all make sense. Friend or me.
I really don't feel like doing anything right now, but there is a dance tonight, of course. I will have to leave my room at some point. : ) I REALLY like staying in hotel rooms.
PS I welcome all comments long or short.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Recently received email

I get an email from this LifeCoaches thing - Bob Tschannen-Moran is a life coach. I thought it was particularly apropos this week. I am not angry, but I'm having a hard time with sadness and missing my friend. I know it's irrelevant, but I also think I am "right."
Here's what this guy said about forgiveness and fairness:

"Fairness. We know it's important because it's so primordial. "No fair!" is one of the earliest expressions of outrage mustered by young children, typically by the age of seven. In contrast to children between the ages of three and four, who are universally selfish, by the time children are seven or eight, they have developed a strong sense of equity. "One for me and none for you" just doesn't cut it any longer. Instead, they are keenly aware of whether or not they and their siblings, playmates, or classmates are being treated fairly.

When unfairness enters the picture, it's easy for children and adults alike to get very upset. Indeed, in its most extreme sense, perceived unfairness is the stuff that makes for wars. The whole notion of a "just war" is that it rights a wrong and follows certain rules of engagement (such as minimizing civilian causalities, which are perceived as being unfair compared to the treatment of enemy combatants).

In everyday interactions, a sense of unfairness can lead to grudges and general unhappiness. Some grudges are the stuff of legends: the house of Montague and Capulet (in Romeo and Juliet), the Jets and the Sharks (in West Side Story), and the Hatfields and McCoys (two feuding families in the West Virginia-Kentucky backcountry). Most grudges are privately held affairs, nurtured by gossip and enemy images. The longer and harder we hold on to them, the more miserable we become.

Perhaps that's why, when I searched on my Kindle for the word "forgiveness," it popped up most often in the books having to do with positive psychology and mindfulness. There is a connection between forgiveness and happiness. Listen to what two of the books had to say:

Sonja Lyubomirsky in The How of Happiness:

"What does forgiveness mean, and is it worthwhile to learn and practice it? Forgiveness may be the one factor that can disrupt the cycle of avoidance and vengeances in which we often find ourselves. Advocated by many, if not most, of the world's religions, forgiveness involves suppressing or mitigating one's motivations for avoidance and revenge (which often bring with them accompanying emotions of anger, disappointment, and hostility, and, ideally, replacing them with more positive or benevolent attitudes, feelings, and behaviors."

"Forgiveness is not reconciliation, pardoning, condoning, excusing, or denying the harm done. And the expression, "forgive and forget" is a misnomer since true forgiveness involves contemplating the injury at some length. How, then, do you know if you've forgiven someone? It's when you have experienced a shift in your thinking, such that your desire to harm that person has decreased and your desire to do him or her good (or to benefit your relationship) has increased."

"Forgiving is something that you do for yourself and not for the person who has wronged you. Clinging to bitterness or hate harms you more than the object of your hatred. (Buddha said, 'Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.') Empirical research confirms this insight. Forgiving people are less likely to be hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, angry, and neurotic. They are more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and more serene."

"Of all the happiness-promoting strategies described in this book, I believe that forgiveness is one of the most challenging to carry out. But, as is said, 'no pain, no gain.' What you reap may be enormous. If forgiveness fits your personality, goals, or needs, then the following techniques can be helpful. Appreciate being forgiven. Imagine forgiveness. Write a letter of forgiveness (don't send it, just write it). Practice empathy. Consider charitable attributions. Ruminate less. Make contact (send the letter, if it feels appropriate and healthy). Remind yourself of the importance of forgiveness."

Jack Kornfield in The Wise Heart:

"In Buddhist communities, there is a ritual of forgiveness where the abbot and elders regularly bow to the community and ask forgiveness for any errors they have made in their teaching and leadership. Every year at the end of our two-month retreat we do this. We invite our students' written suggestions and feedback. Then we move off our cushions and chairs and sit on the bare floor facing all the retreatants. We bow to them and their sincere practice. And then we ask their forgiveness for any way we may have harmed or misguided them. We tell them we did the best we could. Usually a lot of tears fall before the end of this ceremony."

"Forgiveness is both necessary and possible. It is never too late to find forgiveness and start again."

"Like the practice of compassion, forgiveness does not ignore the truth of our suffering. Forgiveness is not weak. It demands courage and integrity. Yet only forgiveness and love can bring about the peace we long for. As the Indian sage Meher Baba explains, 'True love is not for the fainthearted.'"

"We have all betrayed and hurt others, just as we have knowingly and unknowingly been harmed by them. It is inevitable in this human realm. Sometimes our betrayals are small, sometimes terrible. Extending and receiving forgiveness are essential to free us from our part. To forgive does not mean we condone the misdeeds of another. We can dedicate ourselves to making sure they never happen again. But without forgiveness the world can never be released from the sorrows of the past. Someone once quipped, 'Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. Forgiveness is a way to move on."

"In Buddhist psychology, forgiveness is not presented as a moral commandment -- 'Thou shalt forgive.' It is understood as a way to end suffering, to bring dignity and harmony to our life. Forgiveness is fundamentally for our sake, for our own mental health. It is a way to let go of the pain we carry. This is illustrated by the story of two former prisoners of war who meet after many years. When the first one asks, 'Have you forgiven your captors yet?' the second man answers, 'No, never.' 'Well, then,' the first many replies, 'they still have you in prison.'"

"For most people, the work of forgiveness is a process. Practicing forgiveness, we may go through stages of grief, rage, sorrow, hurt, and confusion. As we let ourselves feel the pain we still hold, forgiveness comes as a relief, a release for our heart in the end. Forgiveness acknowledges that no matter how much we may have suffered, we will not put another human being out of our heart."

In those sets of Ten New Commandments that we talked about at the start of this series, the connection between fairness and forgiveness is clearly described in one: "Do not overlook evil or shrink from administering justice, but always be ready to forgive wrongdoing freely admitted and honestly regretted." That, of course, makes forgiveness relatively easy. When wrongdoing is not admitted or regretted, forgiveness gets harder. Much harder. But that's especially when forgiveness offers us freedom and a positive way forward.

My hope is that we will find room in our hearts both for equity and for empathy. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, leads to a sightless and toothless world. Yet forgiveness without justice leads to its own form of abuse and disfiguration. We need them both to make life work."

Just keep on praying. I know it will get better.


Monday, March 08, 2010

looking back

November 2009

I told myself something I had forgotten. It was hilariously said, also. I also forgot this one, "if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten." I had forgotten how similar the last conflict with friend was to this one. Almost identical in craziness. I can honestly say I have never had such a dramatic conflict as these 2. Even when I was drinking, and I threw a glass at Bryan Bowden, I felt saner about it than I do this. That relationship made more sense than this one does, and we were both drinking drunks. Plus, I am friendly with Bryan, now. haha. I need to stay away from judging the friend, but I also need to protect Mere. There is no need to subject oneself to verbal abuse. And it is not being of service to stick around and take it.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

What a long, strange week it's been.

Today has been one of the best days of the decade. So bizzzzarrreee because Monday was surely one of the worst. Universe, I am not blaming you or giving you all the credit, but I'll just say thank you to whomever worked on this Day. I know it's not reasonable, but when BH is irritated with me, I just cannot get to full joy. When he is happy with me, I get 100% full joy. We worked the first exercise in Getting the Love You Want, a book I have owned for probably 12 or 13 years. But, not JUST that. So sweet and present, and such a blessing to me.

I am missing my friend, and have forgotten the tears of yesterday, literally. Funny how I do tend to hold grudges, but also am very capable of euphoric recall. I do believe the Universe took pity on me and did something to get me through the pain with BH and friend. Intense pain, abated and caused by (or at least I attributed it to) each one, at different times, and now just a dull ache from friend. Last night, friend said I was abusing spiritual principles. I do not know to what friend referred. I feel innocent of any charges, but wonder what appears inauthentic. I don't think in my life I have been called as many names. Very strange sensation. One stuck, because I eventually recognized where I was acting childishly. The other names were water on a duck. Swam on through.

A little hard not to wonder what friend had told others of the story. None of my business!!! Of course, I want to contact friend, but can offer no logical explanation why I should. Friend has been so clear I am unwelcome. I suppose this is another example of my boundary violations. Oddly, I have made GREAT progress on this issue in sobriety. I was so unaware of anything vaguely resembling a boundary. Now, I can sometimes see them, sometimes erect them, myself. And sometimes I even respect them, especially when they have been pointed out.

Got to practice waltz and foxtrot after Lindy team today. Didn't get to dance with my actual partner, really, at all because the first bit of choreo is with a rotated partner. And it was close, but I did not have to rotate to friend. Kind of funny on that one, Universe. One foot to the left, and we would have had to get through that. Friend acted normalish. I sensed I might be on a behavioral trial, just because of all the behavioral trials of others friend has told me about. I tried to stay present and felt successful. So far, routine is fun.

Had dinner with parents and Hank. That was more pleasant than usual. I guess give BH and I some time alone and together, and we can be pretty freaking charming.