Been nesting and reading 700 page books

Just been busy with HH and cleaning and cleaning out the house. I am determined to get rid of these fungus gnats that seem to have no origin. Been scanning in more old stuff, backing it up on google docs, facebook, and flickr. Finished reading the Stieg Larsson trilogy and just watched the Swedish movie. Enjoyed learning a little bit about Swedish culture. They eat lots of sandwiches, drink lots of coffee, and are the opposite of puritanical.

Been looking for a job with no luck. Edited some papers via liveperson.com, but the end of the semester has brought an end to those jobs. Did get hired by Western International University and will be teaching an online class similar to the one I taught this spring. I am looking forward to that. I'll be wearing a Madonna mic and headset, and I will probably buy a webcam, but it's not required. I think they are cheap. BH was supposed to start school this fall, but is not going to. No comment.

HH is starting school at the J-ECP this fall. Theoretically, he can go 8:30-2:30 5 days a week. I wanted him in the MWF program, but it was full. I imagine we will be starting with a much abbreviated schedule. He does like school, though. Maybe he will get into it quicker than I think. Spring will be great for us because the new baby and I will be able to rest while he is at school. I want to be able to have enough energy to interact with HH (and baby, and BH) whenever they desire.

Nana got HH a few awesome toys and furniture at IKEA the other day. I had never thought much about looking there, but I did get him a dolphin there when he was an infant. I want to get a new highchair for baby, there, too. BH laughed I wanted to get HH an abacus. Kids having been learning to count for 2000 years with those things. Plus they have colored beads....

Not dancing much. Once a week with DID, and trying to practice at home by myself. He has been super nice and patient with me. I hope to learn all the routines for C&W comps in time to be able to perform them with him in about oh, a year or so. My SI joint is driving me crazy, however. 22 weeks as of yesterday!

Think that's about it.
Love,

not letting oxytocin make the decisions

Entertaining ideas about dog adoption, again. Samoyeds! What snapped me out of it was Brad describing a sweet, 16 year-old boy he saw on the news who wanted to be adopted. We should adopt him. The Texas Adoption Resource Exchange has LOTS of sweet looking kids ages 9-17! Of course, I realize the description is not going to say "this kid is a real pain in the neck," or have an unflattering photo of the kid shooting the bird or something, but what made me realize it was not reasonable to make this change at this time, because there were few I did not want to adopt. I don't really want a teenage girl, and I don't want a kid with severe physical disabilities.
So, we'll wait until this infant enters the world before considering bringing home one who is almost out of the nest. Texas actually pays for college for these kids. Pretty cool thing Texas does considering how many uncool things we do (TYC, for one, small example). But, I do want to remember the ideals of our family: community service, spiritual development, and proliferation of the species. #1&3 encompass kid adoption. #2, dog adoption.

Oxytocin and the adrenal cortex

I was thinking I could stay in Austin while BH and HH went to MI for a few days. I am PG, I don't like the beach, they can have dad/son time, blah blah. I thought about how much I could work and get done around the house. Rest. Clean. Get organized. Um, no. I can't be away from HH for more than a few hours. BH, well, darling, it's half your DNA. Not quite the same draw, but I am clingier than usual to BH, too. It will be expensive if we all go, and therefore may not be in the cards, but if they go, I go!

Recent reading list completions:
Other Voices, Other Rooms I didn't care for it, but am glad I read something by Capote. I couldn't handle taking on his Pulitzer Prize winner.
The Old Man and the Sea The most uplifting tragedy I have ever encountered. I always knew I loved Hemingway.
The Road Jesus Christ another very sad story. I thought it would make a pretty good movie. Apparently, it already has been made into a movie....
The Girl Who Played with Fire I'm about 300 pages into which I don't even think is halfway. It's a little tedious because I feel like nothing has happened, but I guess like Capote his descriptions are rich.

Movies:
Remember Me 4/5 stars from me. RPattz is an excellent actor. The story was compelling, and the movie was well-made.
Intermission Sucky British indie comedy with some heavy hitters.
Cinderella Man Medium. Like Crowe. Don't like Zellweiger. Like the happy ending of the traditional American movie.

Sick munchkin awakes!

Letter from Texas Summer Gymnastics Camp

I posted this on fb, but had to share it, again. Been on my mind after taking HH to gymnastics 2x this week. This was a letter I wrote my parents from Texas Summer Gymnastics Camp in Kerrville, TX when I was about 8 or 9. I remember liking the camp. My 2nd overnight camp. Better than church camp. Foam pits and balance beams in the middle of the woods and being starving between lunch and dinner and getting to buy a candy bar. What a luxurious treat. I also remember shocking myself plugging in a fan after getting out of the shower. Here's what I wrote my parents.

Dilemma of Bilbliophile

I got an Austin Public Library card yesterday. Feeling pretty proud of myself, I went through my Amazon wishlist, and deleted books one by one while adding them to my APL list. Unfortunately, APL does not keep your list, it just makes it for you once, to print or email. I was able to back out of the browser to print and email it. 21 pages. Not going to abandon Amazon, after all. There were several "more scholarly" books APL didn't have, and my revised, bookless wish list looked like one of a 10 year-old Asian girl, a 13 year-old white girl, and a 40 year-old Latino. Not that there's anything wrong with any of those, but my fiction wishlist just sort of mushed everything into looking like that of a somewhat sane person.

I've been a little disappointed in a few of the "classics" I started reading and didn't finish - Lady Chatterly's Lover for one. I realize it's the historical context that is the importance to note, but it was so SLOW and so unscandalous, I was too bored to get a little past halfway when she hooks up with her woodsman lover. Number 2, The French Lieutenant's Woman. I usually like the whole secret, repressed like of far-off love, (typical of English films) but again, not scandalous enough for me, and too slow. Oh, Tiger Woods, and Elliot Spitzer, your debauchery has ruined me for enjoying lesser debaucheries. I was thinking about Tiger Woods when speculative news of his 2nd lovechild surfaced. Those poor, adultery-committing men leave evidence in every tryst. If a woman is unfaithful, she is in control of the offspring, or lack thereof. I guess John Edwards' gal either made a mistake or a very calculated decision. I'm not going to throw any stones, just thinking about the rights of women in most parts of the world, American women have more freedom in every area of their lives.

For the record, I 100% approve of President Obama's performance in office. He is doing the best he can, and I appreciate how he talks with us like we are adults. I wish he hadn't said, "make no mistake," the other night, though. Sounded too W.

Watched the first 2 episodes of Band of Brothers. While I appreciate the subject matter and the producers' objective of accuracy, I found the dialogue and human interactions too contrite and irritating. Especially David Schwimmer. I realize his character was supposed to be annoying, but it was too annoying to enjoy. Not going to watch any more of the series.

HH is back in gymnastics and loving it. There is one rowdy boy in his class, and the rest are girls. He is a cautious dare-devil. I see a lot of me in his behavior. If there's a herd of kids around something, he goes where no one is. Before he really lets loose on something, he observes. Still not crazy about the bouncy jumper. But once he gets going on something, that wide-mouthed grin. Wow. It's non-sexually orgasmic to see.

Oh, yeah, the dilemma. To buy paperbacks and eat the cost ($1-$5) or buy hard backs and sell them back at a small loss (from Costco or Amazon to Amazon), or keep either because they are so good, or use this cumbersome, transient APL list, which requires leaving the house 2x for 1 book. Doesn't seem as easy a decision as I initially thought. Right now I am selling off Twilight stars' magazines - Bazaar with KS and RP - $10! People with the same cover stars- $5! Also just got $5 for a 1994 Clyde Drexler, Portland Trailblazers magnet card. That was totally worth keeping for 16 years. : / Speaking of Portland, congratulations to my longtime, good friend Dawn on her recent nuptials!!!

Don't worry, I'm just pregnant

Sorry for neglecting you, world. I have been pregnant and tired. I am still pregnant (15.5 weeks, but am feeling a little peppier). No drama to report or process. No longer friends with the friend who received much press. Finished teaching my UT class, and it was awesome. I hope I can do it again, sometime. I just applied to teach online courses from Western International University. I will find out in 2 weeks if my online powerpoint presentation with Madonna microphone narration was acceptable. Been dancing, but not nearly as much. BH is working like crazy, of course, and between that and being tired, I haven't been going to group classes. Back with DID as my regular teacher. I think we have reached an understanding, and I have reached a level of comfortability with my body, moving my body, and someone else touching my body while dancing. The C&W dances come easiest to me. I think because they require relative rigidity without demanding ballroom posture. I still love the Latin stuff, though. DID showed me a shine the other day we are going to add to and work on. I can work on it at home because I finally got a mirror in the exercise room. It's 3 door mirrors glued together and hung on the wall. $18 total cost. I kept looking and looking, Craigslist, 2nd hand shops, Target, Hobby Lobby. Mirrors are expensive! Who knew. Thrift stores don't accept wall mirrors because of the high probability for breakage. Craigslist has wall mirrors, but the ones I found were always in Lakeway or Kyle or Cedar Park, and now this Austinite does not like to go anywhere that's more than about 15 minutes away. Most things are about 10 minutes away.
Well, I seem to have a lot to tell you, after all. Here are some books I have recently (past few months) read and movies I have recently seen.

Books:
The Kite Runner and 1000 Splendid Suns - VERY sad. People had been telling me these were "good," but failed to mention they are extremely heart-breaking. DO NOT want to see the movie!

War by Sebastian Junger. Really liked it. Heard him on NPR. Missed him at Book People. Gets into the drive for returning to combat - all about meaning and brotherly love.
Midnight Sun first 12 chapters. I found a bit torrent download so I could print the thing out. I don't know why Stephanie Meyers wanted us to have to read it on the computer. I have not commercially reproduced my copy. 2 pages per 8.5x11 page on the back of paper that was already printed on. Not too many dead trees.

Just started Other Voice, Other Rooms. Wanted something good, but not too dark. Want to read as many of the Pulitzer Prize winners as possible. I can't remember if he won for that one, might have been for In Cold Blood, but I can't handle hearing about any more cold blood for a while. Next The Old Man and the Sea.

On DVD:
Freaks and Geeks Season 1. Painful like Dazed and Confused. James Franco's character is so irritating, it's hard to enjoy his hotness. Lots of future ER actors
James Dean made for TNT movie with James Franco as Dean. Good. Stuff I didn't know about Dean.
The Hurt Locker. Good, but I am glad I read War, first. Adrenaline, yes, but these characters feel little of the love, it seems. Impressive that it was directed by a woman, and that Ralph Fiennes was the only star in the movie. The main character who is black looks like a black Tim Hodgkinson, FYI.
Osama Couldn't get through the whole thing. It was SOOOOOOO dark. Laos, subtitled in Arabic, and I don't actually get to "watch" many movies.
Brothers Netflix recommended it to me, which is unusual because I told Netflix I liked Brokeback Mountain, and all I get recommended to me are gay male movies. I didn't like Brokeback Mountain BECAUSE it was about gay men, although I do like gay men, catagorically, as a whole, I liked the movie because it was an excellent film. FYI, Netflix. Anyway, this sleeper was pretty good. And happy ending. Fairly happy for an Afghanistan War movie.
10 Things I Hate About You. I don't know why I thought this would be watchable. Beyond Bad. Sorry, Heath Ledger, RIP.
The Machinist. Yes, C Bale was GOOD in it, but the movie was just painful and boring.
Strictly Ballroom. Cute, mostly because it's Australian. The eccentricities of the ballroom world x 10.
Cumbia Callera. I loved this movie. Spanish language, but it's practically a silent film. Filmed in Monterrey, Mex. Just a quirky, very low budget movie about a young woman living in poverty who finds amusement with 2 completely different men. Callera means quiet, FYI. Cumbia is a dance.

Sooner than later.

Wow dream

Dreamed Brad and I bought a house that had a zoo. We found out one of the male, carnivorous cats had eaten the husband who used to live in the house. They let all the animals out regularly to roam the property. We were very appalled by the practice and couldn't believe they hadn't euthanized the tiger. We decided we would keep all the animals locked in their very comfortable and large enclosure, from now on. Then maybe we would be able to keep the tiger, but maybe not. There were a lot of empty salt water habitats. We also went to the family's other residence and it had lots of moldy, supposedly green appliances and a gym that was partly underwater. There was a weird tight rope thing that would drop you if didn't make it across.

PS I don't think I even ever reveal half of my inner most thoughts and feelings to you, world. There is much left unsaid. That's in a different book or not at all.

Another one?

When the wolf knocks on the door the first time, the piggies have to run or get eaten. The third time the wolf knocks on the door, don't give him a key or even a copy of the key, protect the piggies, then get everybody out of there!

If everyone acted exactly the way I wanted them to, all the time, why would I ever seek God? Their "misbhavior" drives me out of the way so God can do God's job.

Because humans are imperfect, their blessings are imperfect. The blessings they bring may come in the form of pain and suffering.

Opinions are like fingernails: everyone has them. Sometimes they look beautiful, and sometimes we need a manicure.

In case you missed this one below: Dear Blessings, it is unnecessary for you to come dressed in a disguise. In fact, your disguise is annyoing. Next time, just come dressed as you are, a Blessing!

My new favorite song: Caroline by Brandi Carlisle. I love her voice, the melody, and the piano. And the arrangement. It's super catchy - warning.

OK, read then sleep then Lindy!!!

Heysoos Kreesto

I can't believe I am still awake. TOO MUCH CAFFEINE. I am tired but not sleepy. Finished editing 2 papers for my Ugandan friend. I haven't danced, yet. Showered. Playing my guitar. Wrote on my notecards.
Here's my new blog idea. 365 days of hysterical thinking, grief, and joy.

Feeling your feelings and wallowing in self pity are 2 different things. They might look the same in a cross-sectional study, but they do not perform the same in a longitudinal study.

I made it!

I left Austin around 3:30 and arrived in my room around 8:00 pm. May I remind you I am highly educated and sometimes pretty smart. The google map was lame, and I was lost in the most armpitty and seediest parts of Houston for about 1.5 hrs. I didn't start getting very fatigued until the end, however. Got to talk with my old sponsor on the phone. I updated my facebook status WAY too many times. I read a few of the affirmation/meditation cards I made last night. They are funny. I like them.
Sponsor made me feel SOOO apart of. I am not alone. Dopamine withdrawal! Get it from somewhere more adaptive. Yes, and it doesn't have to all make sense. Friend or me.
I really don't feel like doing anything right now, but there is a dance tonight, of course. I will have to leave my room at some point. : ) I REALLY like staying in hotel rooms.
PS I welcome all comments long or short.

Recently received email

I get an email from this LifeCoaches thing - Bob Tschannen-Moran is a life coach. I thought it was particularly apropos this week. I am not angry, but I'm having a hard time with sadness and missing my friend. I know it's irrelevant, but I also think I am "right."
Here's what this guy said about forgiveness and fairness:

"Fairness. We know it's important because it's so primordial. "No fair!" is one of the earliest expressions of outrage mustered by young children, typically by the age of seven. In contrast to children between the ages of three and four, who are universally selfish, by the time children are seven or eight, they have developed a strong sense of equity. "One for me and none for you" just doesn't cut it any longer. Instead, they are keenly aware of whether or not they and their siblings, playmates, or classmates are being treated fairly.

When unfairness enters the picture, it's easy for children and adults alike to get very upset. Indeed, in its most extreme sense, perceived unfairness is the stuff that makes for wars. The whole notion of a "just war" is that it rights a wrong and follows certain rules of engagement (such as minimizing civilian causalities, which are perceived as being unfair compared to the treatment of enemy combatants).

In everyday interactions, a sense of unfairness can lead to grudges and general unhappiness. Some grudges are the stuff of legends: the house of Montague and Capulet (in Romeo and Juliet), the Jets and the Sharks (in West Side Story), and the Hatfields and McCoys (two feuding families in the West Virginia-Kentucky backcountry). Most grudges are privately held affairs, nurtured by gossip and enemy images. The longer and harder we hold on to them, the more miserable we become.

Perhaps that's why, when I searched on my Kindle for the word "forgiveness," it popped up most often in the books having to do with positive psychology and mindfulness. There is a connection between forgiveness and happiness. Listen to what two of the books had to say:

Sonja Lyubomirsky in The How of Happiness:

"What does forgiveness mean, and is it worthwhile to learn and practice it? Forgiveness may be the one factor that can disrupt the cycle of avoidance and vengeances in which we often find ourselves. Advocated by many, if not most, of the world's religions, forgiveness involves suppressing or mitigating one's motivations for avoidance and revenge (which often bring with them accompanying emotions of anger, disappointment, and hostility, and, ideally, replacing them with more positive or benevolent attitudes, feelings, and behaviors."

"Forgiveness is not reconciliation, pardoning, condoning, excusing, or denying the harm done. And the expression, "forgive and forget" is a misnomer since true forgiveness involves contemplating the injury at some length. How, then, do you know if you've forgiven someone? It's when you have experienced a shift in your thinking, such that your desire to harm that person has decreased and your desire to do him or her good (or to benefit your relationship) has increased."

"Forgiving is something that you do for yourself and not for the person who has wronged you. Clinging to bitterness or hate harms you more than the object of your hatred. (Buddha said, 'Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.') Empirical research confirms this insight. Forgiving people are less likely to be hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, angry, and neurotic. They are more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and more serene."

"Of all the happiness-promoting strategies described in this book, I believe that forgiveness is one of the most challenging to carry out. But, as is said, 'no pain, no gain.' What you reap may be enormous. If forgiveness fits your personality, goals, or needs, then the following techniques can be helpful. Appreciate being forgiven. Imagine forgiveness. Write a letter of forgiveness (don't send it, just write it). Practice empathy. Consider charitable attributions. Ruminate less. Make contact (send the letter, if it feels appropriate and healthy). Remind yourself of the importance of forgiveness."

Jack Kornfield in The Wise Heart:

"In Buddhist communities, there is a ritual of forgiveness where the abbot and elders regularly bow to the community and ask forgiveness for any errors they have made in their teaching and leadership. Every year at the end of our two-month retreat we do this. We invite our students' written suggestions and feedback. Then we move off our cushions and chairs and sit on the bare floor facing all the retreatants. We bow to them and their sincere practice. And then we ask their forgiveness for any way we may have harmed or misguided them. We tell them we did the best we could. Usually a lot of tears fall before the end of this ceremony."

"Forgiveness is both necessary and possible. It is never too late to find forgiveness and start again."

"Like the practice of compassion, forgiveness does not ignore the truth of our suffering. Forgiveness is not weak. It demands courage and integrity. Yet only forgiveness and love can bring about the peace we long for. As the Indian sage Meher Baba explains, 'True love is not for the fainthearted.'"

"We have all betrayed and hurt others, just as we have knowingly and unknowingly been harmed by them. It is inevitable in this human realm. Sometimes our betrayals are small, sometimes terrible. Extending and receiving forgiveness are essential to free us from our part. To forgive does not mean we condone the misdeeds of another. We can dedicate ourselves to making sure they never happen again. But without forgiveness the world can never be released from the sorrows of the past. Someone once quipped, 'Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. Forgiveness is a way to move on."

"In Buddhist psychology, forgiveness is not presented as a moral commandment -- 'Thou shalt forgive.' It is understood as a way to end suffering, to bring dignity and harmony to our life. Forgiveness is fundamentally for our sake, for our own mental health. It is a way to let go of the pain we carry. This is illustrated by the story of two former prisoners of war who meet after many years. When the first one asks, 'Have you forgiven your captors yet?' the second man answers, 'No, never.' 'Well, then,' the first many replies, 'they still have you in prison.'"

"For most people, the work of forgiveness is a process. Practicing forgiveness, we may go through stages of grief, rage, sorrow, hurt, and confusion. As we let ourselves feel the pain we still hold, forgiveness comes as a relief, a release for our heart in the end. Forgiveness acknowledges that no matter how much we may have suffered, we will not put another human being out of our heart."

In those sets of Ten New Commandments that we talked about at the start of this series, the connection between fairness and forgiveness is clearly described in one: "Do not overlook evil or shrink from administering justice, but always be ready to forgive wrongdoing freely admitted and honestly regretted." That, of course, makes forgiveness relatively easy. When wrongdoing is not admitted or regretted, forgiveness gets harder. Much harder. But that's especially when forgiveness offers us freedom and a positive way forward.

My hope is that we will find room in our hearts both for equity and for empathy. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, leads to a sightless and toothless world. Yet forgiveness without justice leads to its own form of abuse and disfiguration. We need them both to make life work."

Just keep on praying. I know it will get better.

looking back

November 2009

I told myself something I had forgotten. It was hilariously said, also. I also forgot this one, "if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten." I had forgotten how similar the last conflict with friend was to this one. Almost identical in craziness. I can honestly say I have never had such a dramatic conflict as these 2. Even when I was drinking, and I threw a glass at Bryan Bowden, I felt saner about it than I do this. That relationship made more sense than this one does, and we were both drinking drunks. Plus, I am friendly with Bryan, now. haha. I need to stay away from judging the friend, but I also need to protect Mere. There is no need to subject oneself to verbal abuse. And it is not being of service to stick around and take it.

What a long, strange week it's been.

Today has been one of the best days of the decade. So bizzzzarrreee because Monday was surely one of the worst. Universe, I am not blaming you or giving you all the credit, but I'll just say thank you to whomever worked on this Day. I know it's not reasonable, but when BH is irritated with me, I just cannot get to full joy. When he is happy with me, I get 100% full joy. We worked the first exercise in Getting the Love You Want, a book I have owned for probably 12 or 13 years. But, not JUST that. So sweet and present, and such a blessing to me.

I am missing my friend, and have forgotten the tears of yesterday, literally. Funny how I do tend to hold grudges, but also am very capable of euphoric recall. I do believe the Universe took pity on me and did something to get me through the pain with BH and friend. Intense pain, abated and caused by (or at least I attributed it to) each one, at different times, and now just a dull ache from friend. Last night, friend said I was abusing spiritual principles. I do not know to what friend referred. I feel innocent of any charges, but wonder what appears inauthentic. I don't think in my life I have been called as many names. Very strange sensation. One stuck, because I eventually recognized where I was acting childishly. The other names were water on a duck. Swam on through.

A little hard not to wonder what friend had told others of the story. None of my business!!! Of course, I want to contact friend, but can offer no logical explanation why I should. Friend has been so clear I am unwelcome. I suppose this is another example of my boundary violations. Oddly, I have made GREAT progress on this issue in sobriety. I was so unaware of anything vaguely resembling a boundary. Now, I can sometimes see them, sometimes erect them, myself. And sometimes I even respect them, especially when they have been pointed out.

Got to practice waltz and foxtrot after Lindy team today. Didn't get to dance with my actual partner, really, at all because the first bit of choreo is with a rotated partner. And it was close, but I did not have to rotate to friend. Kind of funny on that one, Universe. One foot to the left, and we would have had to get through that. Friend acted normalish. I sensed I might be on a behavioral trial, just because of all the behavioral trials of others friend has told me about. I tried to stay present and felt successful. So far, routine is fun.

Had dinner with parents and Hank. That was more pleasant than usual. I guess give BH and I some time alone and together, and we can be pretty freaking charming.

soooooooooo much better

Had ANOTHER huge ooooooooooooooo with friend. Friend felt boundaries were violated. I totally didn't get that while it was happening. To me, it felt like I had taped a couple of pebbles to friend, and friend used machine gun to retaliate. To friend, it felt like I was attacking the little kid whose boundaries were violated. Makes sense. Gender differences for sure.
Sooooooooo much less pain. So much more detached. Ahhhhhhh. Relief. Thank you, Universe!

good gone bad

This has been the shittiest 4 days in a long fucking time. Mother, don't worry, I WILL be ok. I just need to vent. And express how incredulous I am about how shitty it has been. March 1, the first day of my 38th year. Very shitty. March 2. Shitty. March 3. Shitty. Today. Very shitty. And "I wish I were a lesbian and not a hetero." - Loudon Wainwright III. OK, God. Surrender. I surrender. Enough shittiness. I know it is not God doing it to me. It is no one doing it to me. They are just doing it. And the way they are doing it is very shitty. Why is the Y chromosome so toxic? I do not understand. I understand less about it today than I ever have. They have us. Right where they want us. We give them all this ooey gooey love. Boobs. Shaved legs. Good smells. They turn on and off like robots. Mean robots. Cold blooded. Very cold. I've never met a woman as cold as the warmest man I have ever met. They are cold. Tiger-killing machines. Sperm-spreading machines. Would we have boundaries between countries without the Y chromosome? I think not. The earth would be grossly overpopulated with sweetness and breast-feeding and would be way too hot. Global warming caused by the absence of Y chromosomes. Aren't there fish and flowers who reproduce without needing the opposite sex? Come on, ladies. We can do this alone. The traffic would be so awesome. Us letting each other in all the time. Using our turn signals. Asking for directions. We could do each others' nails for free because we would have so much free time not cleaning up after them. The entire world would be enlightened in just a few more years of us running things. We would become one with the Spirit of the Universe. But, let's keep Hank.

PS Hurtful friend has unfacebook friended me. I guess we are not friends, anymore. Yesterday, friends. Today, argument. Unfacebook friended. That is what friend has done with all other emotionally intimate relationships. Friend says I am immature. I hope it is anything that is the opposite of unfucking facebook friending someone after breaking her heart several times over. That is very sad for friend. Must be much more lonely than I can understand. I will pray for friend to find a Different Way. And to save me from being angry and hurt. I have prostrated myself several times over and cannot penetrate the cement ice-wall. I hope friend can let someone in someday.

2 things

I was going to sell another Sanrio item on eBay due to the success of the the sale of a plastic notepad holder I have had for 20 years that recently sold very well. I listed the stuffed animal, but it didn't sell, possibly because I forgot to change the category from Little Twin Stars. I don't know who this is. Anyone?



While trying to identify it on the Sanrio website, I started thinking I don't want to sell it. Millions of Japanese females can't be wrong.
I recently learned the term FOB from the urban dictionary. It stands for fresh off the boat and is a slightly derogatory term used by Far-east Asian-Americans to describe those who have recently emigrated. Used in a sentence on UD, "You look so fobby with all that Hello Kitty gear on."

I bring this ease of influence up because in my class on Tuesday, first of all, they talked!, but secondly, they talked about our 1st debate topic, "should drug laws remain restrictive." Five students presented the debate to us last week and did an excellent job. It recently occurred to me (I am slow) that drug laws are meant to protect us from ourselves. If that is the case, why is alcohol legal and marijuana illegal. Overdose from alcohol (death) is not uncommon. Overdose from marijuana is not possible. Yes, the risk of DUI/DWI is theoretically the same, however, marijuana, usually, makes people simply fall asleep, eat, or giggle. I don't think the incidence of DUI of marijuana is anywhere near DUI of alcohol. Of course, marijuana is illegal, so the comparison is not exactly fair. Anyway, we collectively agree that children, tweens, in particular were influenced by tv ads and popular culture images and ideas with which they are bombarded. Having certain drugs remain illicit would be adaptive for them. However, having alcohol and tobacco be licit is definitely maladaptive for them, at least certain ones. I remember being 12, 13 and looking at Cosmopolitan magazine, and thinking this is what adult women are reading, and this is how they act. With no self-respect, of course, tobacco ads were still Virginia Slims and "look how awesome I look smoking," kind of thing. Not that all my friends smoked, but the ones I wanted to be cool and rebellious like, did.
We mentioned "Just Say No," and I argued that one reason it was ineffective was that it addressed a situation that rarely occurs. Kids are not presented with drugs, nor do they need a refusal statement. As I mentioned in class, people who are drug dependent are not going around trying to share their drugs. They are not that magnanimous. If anything, they would say, "keep your grubs off my drugs," or something to that effect.
I was mostly sold on the family systems theory of maladaptive risk-taking, but after class I am convinced that that has to occur within the American culture of sex, drugs, and rock n roll, AND in the person who has the physiological and psychological predispositions to engage in maladaptive risk-taking.
The other point I meant to make here, is that the federal government protects us from ourselves with illicit drugs, but CVD is #1 cause of morality in US, and over half those deaths are from preventable causes like not eating transfat, high fructose corn syrup, like eating 9 servings of fruits and veggies/day, like getting 3-5 hours moderate intensity PA, and not smoking. The federal government does not restrict us or mandate us much in any of the other areas that clearly determine our health. Therefore, it is illogical for us to spend our own tax dollars on something that doesn't harm us as much as other things that do harm us a lot. Know what I mean?
I'm in a hurry this morning.
Have an awesome one!!!

excuse me, while I diatribe

Woke up this morning, to my alarm, angry about our healthcare system. People have anger because it motivates change. Sometimes I forget why we have certain negative affectivities. My situation is minute, obviously. Minutia. But, I was dreaming about decorating a bas-relief that illustrated the history of Nelson Mandela just before I woke up.
I have had maxillary sinus pain and a stuffed up ear for over a week. Went to a "new" but older doctor at Dr. Lamy's office last week. He was absolutely the antithesis of healthcare. Just wanted to employ his agenda and listened to nothing I said. Complimented me, hollowly, to pacify me, which was easier than normal to do because I wasn't feeling well. But he didn't listen to anything I had to say. Told me to do all the things I was already doing. I had attributed some tooth weird-feeling I noticed yesterday to not flossing a night or two last week, but no, I think it's referred maxillary sinus pain. Why would it be only on top if it were a flossing issue? What doctors don't get is, we patients have deductive reasoning, too. We have intelligence; we have experience. We have the benefit of experience with our own bodies! Here are the symptoms I have experienced many times. Many, many times. I agreed to do what he said (which was to continue to do what I was already doing, except, I was doing something more effective, additionally) because I was doubting my self and my experience. Not smart. Experience, being in the same place I have been before, in Health, in Spirit, in Life, is worth something. It has value. It doesn't mean one can predict the future, or that one has expertise in an area, but it does mean, I have been here before, and I know what I did that worked to change it! So, now, I have maxillary sinus pain that is in my upper jaw. Way to go, Dr. Harrison.
I had an appointment with my ENT, but he had to cancel and reschedule, and I haven't called back, yet. Yes, I will call this morning.

Meanwhile, I don't know which other quack to call. The problem with good doctors is that they are much harder to get into. My quacks, I can see the same day. If they will listen to me long enough, I can usually tell them what is wrong with me.

I will spare you all my opinions about prescription drugs. Although, I will tell you, I don't like being treated like a drug-addict when I request a drug that requires a prescription and has any efficacy beyond that of an over-the-counter drug. Yes, I am a recovered drug-addict, but in the over 14 years I have been sober, I have had ZERO desire to use a mind-altering chemical for recreation. ZERO. Yes, I have used prescription drugs as they have been prescribed. Some of them are mind-altering. Have I gotten high? No! Far from it. When I had my tonsils out, I was taking a narcotic, hydrocodone, suffering in great pain while taking the maximum dose. Called the doctor, my doctor was not on call, of course, and the on-call doctor would give me nothing else. Same thing with episiotomy. I realize it's all a liability issue for them. I don't have any sympathy for that. I am an individual. I am an individual with whom they have some history. If I wanted a drug to get high, (which I don't, and haven't for a LONG time, by the Grace of God and a Program of Recovery!) I would call a drug dealer. I would not call a doctor! Thank you. You have listened beyond what you should have been subject to. I am pissed and uncomfortable enough to take more action.
Meanwhile, finally had some alone time with BH where we were mostly both well. Despite my stuffiness, I don't feel bad. He is very good at having alone time, although it is often harder to get him to agree to do than it is to get a prescription drug from a doctor! I can enjoy HH's cuteness with 110% adulation when I have had a little break every once in a while.
Unfortunately, there were few leads at dv, though I had clearance to go. Got in a fancy 2-step and WCS, but other than that, it was a lot of basics of every other dance. Sometimes fine, but sometimes boring. At least not condescending. And talked with some follows. I suppose that is good to do from time to time.
Got my test written for my class. I think it is good and fair. I spent quite a bit of time on it. I wonder if all professors think this about their tests and power point presentations. I know Ed loved his .ppts. I am ok with that, except he wrote them in the early 1990's and still used them in the early 2000's.
Done. Done. Done. Life is good. These are luxury complaints and observations. Anger motivates change. It's not bad or wrong. Thank you, Mary S.

Love is strong word

Loving teaching my class. It is awesome and fun.
Had a lesson with DID, yesterday. It was good. Going to go back to training with him for a C&W comp sometime in the future.
Had a good lesson with Carlos, too. I feel unfreaked out dancing salsa with him. He is teaching me a shine and a couples pattern. I want to learn some new routines.
I feel like I have cheated on DIT. I know it's silly. Given up on DPB.
Going to cover some dresses in rhinestones.
HH goes back to gymnastics today.
He is loving his school, too.
The only think I don't love is parking. My appointment STILL has not processed, so I am parking in the garage at hourly rates. Ouch!

I have a class to teach

Sewed my sweater patches on to my tweed jacket. Or was it tweed patches on to a sweater? (Homer Simpson's bout as a community college teacher). Can't say who, of course, and it's not Colt McCoy, but I do have 1 current and 1 former Longhorn in the class. I have to say, I am totally star struck, but have kept cool so far (one class period). Didn't talk long enough yesterday, but seemed to keep everyone's attention, and I think it will be a good group. They were awake at 8 am and smiling. I hadn't been to the 9th floor of Bellmont since they put carpet in front of the elevators. And the 10th floor is no longer an abandoned sleeping lounge, but the undergrad advising office. It remains the place where furniture goes before it is put to rest.

We have all been sick: Hank and I with sinus infection (about #5 for me this season), I with bronchitis, Hank with bronchitis, Brad and I with stomach flu. Stomach flu was über boo. Brad and I realized we had it around 11 pm Friday night. Thank God my dad answered the phone, brought us phenegren, and took Hank home with him. Brad and I emerged from our excretions and comas around 12 pm on Sunday. Haven't felt much like eating since. I had made a beautiful cabbage salad with grapes, carrots, and homemade peanut dressing for lunch. Needless to say, that sounds absolutely disgusting, now. Brad had eaten Newman O's just before bed. That will keep him out of my cookie stash for a while.... Didn't get to perform at Lone Star, consequently. Danced a LITTLE Friday night. Hope I didn't spread it.

Been "watching" Twilight I downloaded from iTunes. Over and over. It plays in the background. I don't watch it except every once in a while I flip over to watch scenes. The prom scene. R Pattz' performance is Oscar worthy. He has been overlooked as an awesome actor, probably because he is so beautiful. I think Kristen Stewart does an awesome job, too. Although, one way she indicates hesitation (breathing, haltingly) becomes less endearing after 20 or so showings. Can't be faulted for that, really. I STILL haven't seen New Moon. Guess it's gonna be video for MLMH!

Love it!

Wow, I wish he were my mayor. This IS how social change happens. After self-reflection and examination, slowly, and one person at a time.