London and Vicinity

Happened upon Hyde Park on my run. Apparently Edgeware Road is an Arab/Muslim neighborhood. Just an observation. Lots of different languages and accents. A circle is a circus. Hyde Park has amazing huge trees, and you can barely hear the traffic from the street maybe 100 yards away. Nice asphalt path. Perfect running temps everything seems cheap even though it’s multiplied by 1.25. Kensington Garden is inside Hyde Park. Pretty gorgeous. 

Maybe my favorite thing about the English is we can agree Trump is a dolt. I think if Tank Fest has been in the US I would have hated it, but the huge crowd of mostly Brits was so polite and not obnoxious, it was bearable. Our taxi driver Kate is very nice and down to earth. I like her. The town of Broadmayne is very nice. Small and peaceful. A nice guy at the PO/convenience store drove me to the Coop to get cash. The B&B made us bacon sandwiches for the morning of tankfest since we wouldnt be there for breakfast. I like that the cyclists speak to the walkers. I love hearing the languages spoken from all over the world. All the foliage covering the road is so pretty. I didn’t shut up the entire trip marveling at the flora in all of Britain and Northern France. 

stink a link May 2008

I would just like to state, for the record, to all who google or use some form of search engine that doesn't sell data that sends people in China to prison for no reason, that my experience with the Office of Sponsored Projects at the University of Texas at Austin in May-October of 2006 was extremely unpleasant.
I have been a student at UT for 9 years total. I was a student before we had the internets. (How did anyone ever write a paper before personal computers, by the way?) And in all the bureaucracy, struggling to find someone to help answer a difficult question, I had never found such absolute unhelpfulness combined with power to halt my pursuit of academic progress as I found at the OSP. I have learned from this experience, that no one cares about your academic research, and no one cares about getting you funding. You, yourself must care, but it is no one else's job to care or help you figure it out.
And, ultimately, your research will exist in a vacuum of millions of journal articles that might, at their apex, be cited in another journal article. This is truly the existential reality.
However, there are many offices, departments, and people at UT that are genuinely helpful and interested in the progress of those who pass through. The office of Kinesiology and Health Education is filled with cheerful, helpful staff and professors. Health Ed has the monopoly on nurturing, but there are some nice folks in kines.
Anyway, I'm done.

Having a person May 2008

I rode my bike inside this morning and read about half of the Supernanny's book. While I was reading, it occured to me that we are not having a baby, we are having a person. We made a person who is going to be living with us for at least the next 18 years. And I had thought that we should quickly try to make another one to give him a friend, but at this point, I think he's just going to be lonesome. Not really, but geez, I am starting to freak out, again.

The main thing Supernanny stresses is stay calm during your consistent presentation of the world and its limits. I think this will be very challenging. It is hard to remember, even with adults, that they are not doing it to me, they are just doing it. I also think my new year's resolution of staying in the present is not going to be challenging, because babies need your immediate and present attention. There is no ADD jumping from task to task as usual.

I put together the swing and playpen/bassinet. I had to call the swing tech support 2x. Both women I got on the phone acted like I was really stupid. While I felt stupid, the instruction manual was not very instructional, so I had to call for help. The playpen thing was much easier.
The last thing to install is the car seat. I am glad it looks assembled, though I know putting in the car will be much harder than one would think.

I am really looking forward to this being my last week of swimteam for a while. I hope I become delighted, again, after my hormones calm down. I haven't been delighted by them in a LONG time. I do remember being delighted quite a bit by my Canyon Creek kids. In fact, it was there I entertained the idea of having one of our own. I assume the genetic thing will make it easy to be delighted by Hank. It has always seemed very narcissistic to me to breed. But, the physiological and physical similarities between you and your mate must make it easy to love the kid. If the kid looked nothing like either of you, it would take a lot of magnaninmous generosity to be as delighted by him as you would be someone who looks like you. TZ could do it.

I filled out a lot of Hank's baby book. I am sure he will not be interested in it at any point, but I will be, and his wife (or husband) might be.

cool morning in Dallas June 2008

It was in the upper 60's this morning before I woke up.
I think Hank woke up before I did because I woke up to his pulling my hair, and I think he had been talking to me before that. It was 8 am!!! Extremely late for me.

I think warantless wiretapping should be called unwarranted wiretapping.

blah June 2009

stayed up late to go dance at my place, and there weren't too many folks there. the dances I got to do were all fun, though. hoping to hang with Brad when I got home, but he and HH were asleep. : ( were going to try to have some alone time tomorrow, but it appears our schedules will not cross, and his truck is broken, again, after getting fixed on Friday. boo. hoping to get a Honda Fit for our "clunker" 1992 Lexus ES 300. have to go to Tx DOT to get a copy of our registration receipt.

Calmer

It's funny w B out of town, I feel a lot calmer by myself and with the kids.  I'm sure it's 90% me projecting or receiving real or imagined anxiety from him.  I just noticed that both nights and this morning, the times that it can feel chaotic, I was completely calm and so were the kids.  I try to not read people's minds, but I also know that both his family and my family did the silent treatment as a staple of the expression of disapproval.  I still do the silent treatment to him sometimes before I realize I'm doing it, or just because I don't feel brave enough to be open about how I feel or what I think or who I am.  I think I don't have a right to complain or have a dislike since I don't have a job that makes money.  Even when I did have a job that made money, I felt like I didn't make enough money to be able to say I dislike something.
I experience B as irritated when sometimes he is, sometimes he's tired, or sometimes, nothing.  Sometimes I ask, and I guess sometimes I don't like the answer because it results in a tirade about exactly how irritated he is and has been for so long.  Sometimes I ask, and he says he's tired or doesn't feel well.  I guess that's a request I rarely make - to be told when someone is unhappy so I can hear why, so I can either decide to change my behavior or realize no change in my behavior will change their unhappiness.  I know I'm not responsible for other people's feelings, but I sure like to go there.  If I were___, X would be happy.  Or if X were ____, I would be happy.  T'aint true.
At the same time, if it would make you happy if I left the porch light on for you when you come home in the dark, (which I already do, but I'm just trying to think of an example) I'd be very happy to leave it on for you.  If it made you happy that I made brownies on your birthday, I would definitely be happy to make you brownies.
I realized I was doing things thinking it would make B happy, like cleaning the house, doing the laundry, yard, taxes, taking care of kids, and by approaching them in that way, it made me unhappy.  Because he doesn't ever seem to notice I do all these things.  But when I look at it like, it makes me happy to take care of the kids, the house, the whatever because I like those things to be done, then I feel happier doing them.  Not waiting around for him to notice that I mopped the floor.  He doesn't ever notice, but I notice.  (It bugs me how quickly it gets redirty, but that's a whole nother can of worms, I guess).  If the floor were dirty for a long time, he would likely get around to mopping it himself at some point, which confuses me.  It seems like he would be glad he didn't have to mop the floor, because who really likes mopping the floor?
My point is that I will be mindful to stay calm and not worry about what B thinks about what I am doing unless he tells me explicitly that he doesn't like it.  I'm just going to do the next right thing in a calm manner.  Things will get done or not get done, and either way, that's ok.

Bilingual C

C and I were reading a book about famous “rebel women” bc he told me last month was women’s history month. He said he wanted to read about Sonia Sotomayor. I said her name w an American accent. He corrected me and said, no it’s in Spanish, and pronounced it perfectly. 

H just told me I’m the coolest mom in the world. 👩‍👦👩‍👦👩‍👦💜💜💜

Learned optimism

B and I were talking about teaching the kids to have confidence that there's nothing they can't do. He said he thinks I do that for them, but not for myself. I think it's that if I don't have self-efficacy for something, then I have little self-confidence that I might be able to do it if I tried. I have done many things I never thought I could do. But I guess at some point I decided I might be able to do it if I worked hard at it. Marathon, ironman, graduate school, childbirth, dancing. Those are the main ones. Today and yesterday I caulked the bathroom. I didn't think I could do that, but I read the directions, and it looks pretty good. The weird thing was I asked B if I should paint the exercise room and he just kind of looked at me then said you'd have to move everything. Then that was the end of the conversation. I'm not good at painting per se, but I think I could do an ok job if I were very diligent. I want the kids to believe they can do anything they really want to do. At the same time I want them to know if they try something and fail, it's ok to go in a different direction, or try again.

Hair

I asked H what he would do if a girl liked his hair it was looking so good. He agreed it looked pretty much perfect. He said he would tell her they should be friends first. Later he wondered what he would do if 2 girls were fighting over him. I said girls don't usually fight. Of course that is probably not true. I said it was important that if a girl liked him that he wasn't crazy about that he be nice to her anyway. He agreed to that. C was super excited to come to school today bc H was going to be his reading buddy. H read to C last night better than I have ever heard him read. It was so cute bc he was also sounding out some of the words for him. C didn't cry at drop off this morning which was good. I stayed w him in line in the gym then walked him into his room w Ms B. I have been on computer and sitting for last 3 days taking care of a lot of junk I had let pile up. I'm sore from sitting. I love my PT sessions on Wed morning. Fun and effective. We have a budget set and I entered it into a website today. Things seem to be looking up.

I love you

C tells me he loves me more than once a day. It's usually followed by tackling. Sometimes he says I love you so bad, and sometimes he says he loves me more than I love him. Impossible. H used to say I luf you a lot, but now I have to remind myself to say it to him out loud. I love him so much I forget he can't read my mind. 

Those balls

C asked me what color those balls are under his peeer. I gave him a mirror and let him check it out. He was satisfied. They both stay naked after we go swimming and nonchalantly do what I guess boys do while they're watching tv or the iPad or something. Yesterday H was crying I didn't get him an end of year present. I gave him a millennium falcon I had bought for him that I was going to sell I thought he didn't want and said that was an early end of year present for him and C. He doesn't remember that. Then he finally says he wants to give his half to C and he wants his own present. I told him there was no such thing as an end of year present. That no one else gets one. He is still upset about it. Today we went to Bartholomew Pool. It was super crowded. C can't tread water yet so I still worry about him some. I still don't want H to get very far out of my reach. I'm very paranoid about them getting in an accident or run over in the parking lot. I worry about that too much. H is obsessed w a game called fnaf. He makes me and B watch these videos and promises they will be so funny, and are more like a bad acid trip. We don't get it. But we watch and listen to him talk about it and try to laugh. We're going to beach for 3 days. I'm excited bc the kids are.  H jumps around the entire time he's watching tv or playing video games from the bosu to the trampoline to sofa. 

SWAT team

C bought a swat team uniform for himself today. He is wearing just the vest and the helmet at the park. It's about 90 degrees and very humid. This is the second time today I have gotten extremely sweaty as I went to Bootcamp for the first time at my friend's gym. I was the only one who couldn't do everything. I had to skip one of the ladder drills bc I thought I was going to throw up. 

SWAT team

C bought a swat team uniform for himself today. He is wearing just the vest and the helmet at the park. It's about 90 degrees and very humid. This is the second time today I have gotten extremely sweaty as I went to Bootcamp for the first time at my friend's gym. I was the only one who couldn't do everything. I had to skip one of the ladder drills bc I thought I was going to throw up. 

5/4

Was exercising and felt compelled to come eat lunch w them instead. C was crying because his teacher had taken away his stuffed monster truck bc he'd been throwing it. I had made a 3rd trip to school this morning bc I forgot to bring his cinco de mayo costume then he asked for his toy bc another boy had brought a toy for nap. C has been watching a show called Just Add Magic about some 7th grade girls. He likes to play airplane on the bed and dive down when I throw Rufus the dog at him. H is now obsessed w a game called Yugioh and a video game called 5 nights at Freddy's. He can't decide if he wants to stay in DL or not. I have mixed feelings, too but am leaning towards getting out of program. He needs to decide by Fri. They both like to swing outside when B gets home. They came to my dance lesson w me last weekend but were pretty rowdy and didn't ask to come again this week. DID and I are still working on waltz and a little WCS. I wonder if I'll ever tell him I don't like WCS just bc I am SO bad at it. I even went to the social on Sun night. I was very proud of myself for going despite being super nervous. I hadn't forgotten the other dances. Well I've forgotten a little of how to do salsa bc now I'm so used to stepping forward on 1. I have one more week of teaching the class at UT. I liked it when I was there but getting there was hard. I think I went too fast w the material. But other than that I think I did a good job. I am almost completely quit being a PT. I am sad about it bc I don't want to quit. I've been studying statistics but don't think I'll know everything I need to know before the end of May. Hopefully I'll find something I can work at home or has flexible hours. I don't want something that keeps me from being w kids. It makes me sick to think about it. I'm praying I can find something. 

Yesterday H said he wished I could be w him all day at school. C cried when I walked him to his room from lunch and didn't want to let me go. I took them both home at Hs lunch bc he said he wasn't feeling well bc he threw up the day before. I was pretty sure he was fine but wanted to spend the afternoon w them. I freak out about the day H doesn't want me to have lunch w him. Maybe that day will not come. Maybe?

Screen free day

Today is screen free Friday. It could also be called children's torture day they protect so much. I know that means they have way too much screen time. I like watching screens w them I guess bc that's how my parents and I spent time together. We didn't do much else together. Once I got old enough I went to park by myself or played w friends by myself. We didn't do family activities. I have a hard time thinking of creative ideas to do w them so we are just being together enjoying each other's company. I catch myself thinking if we can just get through this rather than enjoying being in it. I get really mad at myself about that. I also want to love them and be loving even when they are not doing what I want or doing something I don't want. I want to let them be upset then be able to move on. Whatever we're doing w them regarding that is not working very well. I try to mirror them and let them yell and be upset. This seems like the right direction, but it seems to take a long time for them to calm down. Maybe it's just the right amount of time. I don't know. I don't remember getting upset about things like they do. I was super sensitive like Hank and cried pretty easily, but I don't remember freaking out like they do. I wonder if they have a hard time calming down bc B and I never get very worked up about anything. So they don't have an example to follow. I just want them to be able to process negative emotions so they don't turn to external substances whatever they may be to fix it. I need to not try to control everything. 

Bday

Kids gave me 4 cases of topi Chico, 5 plants, and H gave me $18. He said anything he could do to help w the budget. He had heard B and I arguing about how much he works and my saying something about working on the budget. I'm guessing that's where that came from. Ate lunch w mom and dad and dinner w B. I was pleasantly shocked. Can't believe I'm 44. Seems old, but I feel pretty young. Except for being tired a lot. I suggested to B I go to work full time when H graduates HS and he can retire. He said he doesn't want to do what he's doing for that much longer. I don't know what we're going to do bc I can't handle not being w them when they get out of school. I don't want to work full-time to pay someone else to take care of them. I also don't want B to work more than 40 hours a week. He thinks that's impossible in his current profession. I hope this new job is different. I'm thinking of quitting PT so I can focus on work w the high school and trying to find part-time work in my field. That does make sense. I hadn't thought about PT not being a good job bc I can work while they're at school. But it is pretty much a dead end. And I spend a lot of time traveling back and forth to and from work. I'm hoping things will get better. I'm not sure they will even if I do get a job in my field. I'm going to try. 

My bday

H told me he wanted to get me something really special for my bday bc I always get him presents. He was browsing on Amazon and found a wooden poker table setting, some large golden earring shaped like flowers made from eggs, and the game Life ( bc he asked me what games I liked to play).  C said he was going to get me a pink dress. I told B he's responsible for anything they buy so I don't have to wear my pink dress and golden earrings in public. The other night H told me I was better than a calculator while I was helping him to a minecraft math coloring book. He hugged me after we did a line of problems. C had his poetry cafe this week. He didn't stand up or sing any of the songs they sang. H bemoaned his poetry cafe but recited 2 poems and seemed pleased w himself. Today is screen-free Friday which is very traumatic. I think I let them have way too much screen time. Mostly bc I can't think of creative ideas that are more fun than screens. Except on occasion we do a craft. Going to park and bouncy place are about the only things I can think of that trump a screen. And that's not really us doing something together. That's just me watching them play. Except C still doesn't want to go off by himself at bouncy place. I will be really sad the day he does go off by himself. H can find a friend easily when we go to park or bouncy place. C usually wants to play w H or hang w me. Today is Bs last day off before his new job. We had a good morning together then he ate lunch w kids. I'm taking C to vote after school and then to grocery before H and a friend come to our house. I think I've been first in line every day in Cs carpool line all year. I get here like 20 min early to make sure I'm first. Yesterday I sat w C in his line in the gym before school. Next year I don't think waiting outside his classroom is going to fly. But also I don't think his teacher will want to deal w him being teary if he doesn't want to line up. I'm trying to prep him for next year. He told me the other day he liked his old school. I feel a little bad taking him out of there bc we liked it, but I wanted to make sure he got in DL. He wants to learn other languages really badly. H not at all. I wish I were fluent in another language. I've lost a lot of French, and trying to learn Spanish it gets mixed up in my mind. 

Going to really try to go dancing on Sunday. It's been months. Last time I tried to go I was too afraid. I'm going to make myself go anyway bc I really don't believe I've forgotten the other dances. The best thing about waltz is we're not supposed to be staring at each other the whole time. It's a closer hold than I would expect and I wonder how anyone did it in giant dresses. 

2/13/16 at the park

H brought all of his minecraft weapons to share w anyone who will play w him. He and C have found a set of brothers 7&5. It impresses me how generous H is w his toys. He wanted to buy a $65 Halo structure today at Target and I talked him out of it only by telling him he'd have to get rid of some baby toys because we literally have no space for it. Last time I tried to get rid of some old plastic pieces and lame toys from Chuckie Cheese, he cried and said I was trying to take away his memories. I'm the same way to a degree, but I frequently bite the bullet and donate stuff I don't use. I don't really do it with him noticing bc he would try to convince me to keep it. We had a baby toy that they used to lie underneath and eventually hold on to stand up. When I tried to give that away about 6 months ago they both said they loved that thing and played w it all the time. I managed to sneak it out of the house without them noticing. C got a new airplane that's similar to playmobile toys. When he got it I got rid of the hand me down plane with missing pieces that didn't stay together. The other day C said he wanted to use his new plane as a police plane and the old one just regular. Fortunately he hasn't actually asked to play w the old one yet. I wonder what will happen when I tell him I gave it to a kid w no toys. H still cries every time he remembers the giant Bevo that he never played w that I gave to the Blue Santa parade. I even replaced the Bevo, but the new one isn't wearing a jersey like the old one was. Not good enough. I'm surprised he doesn't notice I don't keep all his artwork. I take a picture of it and recycle it 90% of the time. Some I hang in the house. Neither one of them will eat anything except carbs. I got C to eat sunflower butter and saltines in the hopes he'll bring it to lunch. He thinks it's peanut butter and his buddy eats that. 

H's bday

H's bday party was at Pump It Up. We had one bloody nose and one loosened tooth. Other than that it went pretty well. He was disappointed the guy he most wanted to spend time with was in a bouncy area he didn't want to go in. C brought a friend and finally tried some of the slides etc. H is obsessed w playing Halo 5. It's hard to compete.