deciding to mourn

had a hard time figuring out how much to miss Michael Jackson. decided because he was not convicted of any crimes against children, and many children said he did nothing to them, he is innocent. I imagine, due to his own childhood trauma, he liked cuddling with kids as a way of healing himself. while not very kosher, is not sexual, and not harmful to kids. I love cuddling with Hank, and so does Brad, and we are relatively sane. I imagine some opportunistic parents were greedy and the ball started rolling once they pushed it. he did become a farce, I suppose, with all the plastic surgery, reclusiveness, and the baby over the balcony scene. I can't fault him for those things, either, really not having walked in his extreme fame shoes. I do see where money harmed him more than anything. his drug addiction following the pepsi commercial apparently haunted him until death. he apparently did not have anyone around him to tell him no or "force" him to get real help (through intervention/tough love-type thing). that is the most tragic thing about his life, to me. I heard a beautiful and melancholy version of Billy Jean on KUT on Texas Music Matters on Sunday. it was just a rhythm track and the lead vocal. it sounded like it was done in one take, but I don't know. it was pretty amazing. and, in retrospect, I gladly call him the king of pop purely due to his songwriting, well, and his dancing - both so universally appealing and enjoyed by a cross-cultural, cross-socioeconomic, and cross-racial population. that is pretty special. I am not sure the world needed another tour from him. apparently, he felt he still had something to prove. maybe the Universe was letting him know he didn't need to prove anything else. time to move on.

stayed out LATE

rememorized the first few lines of Hamlet's to be or not to be soliloquy and got in free to the Go Dance social dance. it was fun. not very well attended, at least not the salsa room, but still got in plenty of dancing. I felt pretty darn relaxed. sometimes I have out of body experiences while I am dancing and hear myself laugh. it's kind of neat. not thinking, just being delighted. DID was in a good humor and humored me by dancing a bachata with me, which I don't know how to do. and 2 salsas which were very fun. it was also neat to watch him salsa with DIB. he was busy. we are going to talk before my lesson next week and figure out how we will communicate with each other. dancing is a strange relationship - physical intimacy and very little emotional intimacy. I suppose for most men this is an ideal relationship. haha. but you XY's are not talkers, and you are sure not feelings talkers. am I wrong?

watched Milk yesterday and today. a great movie. James Franco is hot. I know, I should pay attention to the issues, which I did. it always surprises and disgusts me how we Americans have been so ignorant and oppressive. how did we ever go from fertility goddesses to straight, white, protestant men are in charge? what a terrible idea. I cannot comprehend the intolerance except to say I am intolerant of people who are intolerant. I did not know the history of San Francisco or the assassination of those men. and so disgusting that Dan White got manslaughter. manslaughter is not "accidentally" shooting someone in cold blood.

having a snack and crashing soon.

more lindy

had my second lindy lesson with DIT. DID was there, and it kind of felt like I was cheating on him. DYSfunctional. DIT asked me if DID had ever mentioned I am kind of stiff. hm. yes, he has mentioned that on occasion. it takes me about 45 minutes to warm up/relax. if it didn't mean I would start off all sweaty, I would go run a mile or so before my lesson. I think that would help. part of it is just physically warming up my joints and muscles, and part of it is letting go of anxiety and fear (that I am usually not aware of). I am much less afraid of DIT than DID. but I am determined to have a "normal" relationship with DID. lindy is lots of fun. it's very peppy. and it's NOT sexy. what a relief!

HH has been enjoying gymnastics. I have, too. I got to swing a little on the uneven parallel bars.

the other day I shot baskets in the gym for the 10 unexpected extra minutes I had. it was fun. I'm not very good, but it's a good aerobic workout if you run for the rebounds.

HH and I have been swimming most days. unfortunately, I think he would drink the water every time I let his mouth go under. only 3 dunks/session.

hopefully going to a social dance tomorrow night at Go Dance. we have a swim meet in the morning, so it depends on if I get to take a nap. fingers crossed.

feeling good

feeling good in general about things. had my lindy lesson on Sunday. it was super fun. and you get to wear tennis shoes. DID and I are cool, now, too, I think. I am going to start back in July.

HH is doing well swimming and in gymnastics class, making progress.

missing BH because he is so bizzy. Sunday, I scheduled some "alone time" for us after he had study time. he thought I meant alone time by ourselves. duh! no, BH, when have I ever scheduled time for us to be by ourselves? alone time as in US alone. I was very tired, though, so it kind of worked out.

saw a documentary - American Experience on Roberto Clemente recently. wow.

dancing pictures

Here are some pictures from the showcase
Raman Evazians is the photographer.

The top one is called the Titanic, the bottom one is called the hammerlock.

Sounds like Salsa dancing, huh?

I'm getting one put on a coffee mug and the other one put on a 11x17 poster.

NOT REALLY.

I bought 4x6's of all the race photos. Only $2 a piece. Much cheaper than Ironman photos. And no weird ones of me trying to get into a wet suit or covered in mud or algae.

stupidly early

Woke up so early, at some place in my sleep cycle that I wasn't sleepy and was hungry.  (HH)  Got up and ate some Newman O's and got sleepy about 30 minutes before I would have needed to get up.  Figured that would hurt too much to take a  30 minute nap.  Not PG.

Think I can come up with a song re: pain related to dancing.  Dancing is such an obvious, if not schmaltzy, metaphor for life.  I think I can make it work.

Took HH to gymnastics Monday.  He mostly had fun.  He was the youngest one there and, I think, a little overwhelmed by all the activity.  But, he did enjoy doing pullups and jumping on this mini-trampoline with a bar to hold onto.  I realized I still need to work on my post partum, lower abdominal strength, as jumping on the bubble bounce contraption made me pee a little bit.

I want a mini-trampoline for the house (gym) and a large mirror, in case anyone has one s/he is trying to get rid of.

If I already knew

how to fucking dance, I wouldn't need lessons or classes.

Sorry for the colorful language, but I am angry and hurt, and cheap.  Don't want to stop going to my unlimited June classes, but I am not getting what I need at my place, anymore.  For me, group exercise, group dance, private training, and private lessons are about building self-efficacy and skills, and mental and spiritual health.  If I already knew how to dance, I would not need to go to class or take lessons.  Yes, I have been learning how to follow for 8 months, but I am not perfect at it, yet!  I need a break from the hardware store when all I am looking for is a loaf of bread!!!

Taught a group exercise Latin dance class, myself today to a weight loss group.  It was FUN!  And we got sweaty, learned something, had some successes, some challenges.  I have been pretty disciplined about practicing by myself at home.  I can't remember that many patterns, though.  And it is kind of boring.  Anyway, thank you, world, for listening to me emotion-focused cope - vent....  I actually feel better.

Hank and I are going to gymnastics this afternoon. Woot!

same glee?

post showcase and post IM Boerne.

I do think I have a similar expression of glee.

but in the showcase one, I think I look strangely like Lisa Rinna.

and I don't care for her.

la tempestad

Brad was in Cedar Park at school when the tornado was around there.  He said they had to sit in the hall for an hour.  I had planned to go to salsa class, but decided to abort the mission when I saw the radar.  Good call!!!  Heard everyone is OK, too.

dance when no one is watching

World, for the record, "act as if" works whether you want it to or not.  It has worked for me adaptively, in sobriety, but now has seemed to work for me maladaptively.  Consequently, I am taking a little break from sexy arms, figure 8 hip motion, and wearing high heels outside the house.  Not entirely, but I am going to finish out my unlimited June group classes, then try an extremely unsexy dance - Lindy.  I have money saved for another batch of private lessons,  (proceeds from sale of goods) but I think I will hang on to it, or get laser hair removal.

Hank and I went to Don's mom and me water class yesterday afternoon.  It was fun.  He had fun except when Don helped hoist him up on the giant duck, but that was a very brief upset.  He's not crazy about getting his face wet, but he didn't get pissed off.

Enjoying the CCC team.  Sweet as ever.  A little afraid of what sweet Hank will become around 5 or 6 other boys.  It seems to only take one bad apple to steer the whole bunch into meanness or unnecessary competitiveness.  

Here's another good one: "Dance like no one is watching, unless Brad Pitt is watching."

it takes a Village

in my Wonder Years summation, I will just say that despite my tendency to want to be nurtured by the Vulcan, I got lots of nurturing by all the other people including a big hug from BH afterwards, just like I like it, long and still.  the dancing went pretty well.  I did hit myself in the head with my forearm while turning, but I think I must've been on the back side of the audience because no one I asked saw it.  I wanted to hide so badly before the show, but there was no where to go.  it occurred to me instead of withdrawing to try to help others.  duh!!!  Susi taped my dress to my shoulders, and Liz put my eyelashes on, that was the imperative help I received.  I tried the eyelashes, again, and looked like Lucile Ball in one of the Lucy episodes where her eyelashes are coming off.  I feel a little PSD, but I think that is probably just PMS.  haha.

so bizzy

Hank's latest thing is to move the trash cans around. I washed them all so that when he also chews on the rim, it's somewhat sanitary. Whenever I talk with my Grandmother on the phone she always tells me she has been very busy.  I don't think she has been, but I think it's adaptive for her to believe she is busy.  And she says, "so bizzy."

Tonight is the adult dance recital.  I guess I should say dance recital for adults.  We are going to have clothes on.  I am looking forward to it, but not looking forward to being there 3 hours before the doors open.  We do a run through of the whole thing before the whole thing.  That will be good.  I think being in a different place will be the thing that weirds me out the most.  And if DID smiles at me funny on the opening bar of our dance.  That makes me laugh.  

Been trying to give my fingernails a French manicure for the past week.  I can see why I rarely paint my fingers or toes.  There is not enough time between coats.  What a luxury problem.

Going to ride the bike and even starting on time!

Hindsight

On one of the last episodes of The Office, Michael and Holly (Michael's fault, of course) made a snafu during their company picnic presentation.  Holly says something cliché about hindsight being 20/20, and Michael says something like, "Yes, we should have had hindsight, and we would not have made that mistake."

Re:the Universe and "signs."  I went on a date with someone who, on the first date told me he didn't like the Beatles, then argued with me about where they played their last big concert (Candlestick Park).  I could have stopped there, because although it might seem trivial, "not liking the Beatles" could have told me plenty about him that we did not need to continue.  We did have some fun together, but he went on to confirm we were not meant to Be by being categorically opposed to adoption, and our senses of humor were not congruous.  Lastly, I didn't get in to the graduate school in the city where he lived.  (Conversely, it seemed like everything Brad said while we were dating was an enormous Yes).

I think there have been a few times when God used weather to keep me safe - ice storms, e.g.  Not that the ice storm came to Dallas because of me (I do have a grandiosity and self-centeredness problem, but not THAT bad), but that I had plans on a day there was an ice storm.  I don't think God does local weather.  If  God did, Austin would be as over-populated as Bejing.

My point is, hindsight does provide knowledge to use in the future decisions.  Not that the Universe has a human's voice, but that Humans guide us to reach our Higher Selves, we just have to reach some level of Attention.  

Universe, you are funny

Just when I finally got it through my thick skull I don't need other adults' approval, I got some, and in writing, no less.  For some reason it reminds me of when I used to pray for God's will for a romance to be taken out of my life.  I was always afraid he would get struck by lightening.  As if to take him out of my life, God would take him out of everyone's lives.  

I am somewhere in between the Universe/God taking care of every single thing and TJ's Deism, but it seems like sometimes there is more micromanagement than others.

about 10 years apart

Just feeling like listening to myself talk, lately.  Yesterday, sweet Bodie came over for about 3.5 hours.  He was asleep for probably half the time he was here, but the other half, he was not too happy.  I felt terrible for him, as I was not that able to comfort him.  I guess when I can't comfort Hank, I do feel bad, but I just think, well, this is what you got, kid, all my sympathy, love, and knowledge, but this has to work.  Anyway, I do not comprehend how anyone has more than one child.  Only if they are at least 10 years apart.  So funny I have not gotten pregnant.  Funny may be the wrong word.  Would sure be funny if I were, now.  Again, maybe not "funny."  We are trying again, today.  (Bodie, not getting pregnant).  I hope he will be more comfortable here since he has seen the place once.

Today is the first day of CCC team practice for me.  I am looking forward to it.  Then, Marie and Sydney are coming over for lunch.  Then Bodie.  Then I am taking Hank to my parents' later this evening so I can go to one more salsa class.  

Feeling so much more Free about the whole dancing thing.  Like we're supposed to: Happy, Joyous, and Free.  I also realized DID is kind of unpredictable, and think that is another piece of my emotional button.  See, once you have enough therapy under your belt, you don't have to pay someone anymore, you just do it, yourself.  It takes longer, and is probably more unpleasant, but it still works!

progress, not perfection

I just saw the video of our whole :110.  I am not going to shame shame shame myself, AGAIN, but holy cow, I have been blindly swirling around in a tornado of people pleasing.  It's an insatiable and fantastical pursuit, and I just told someone the other day, "You can't act on what you think someone else wants you to do!"  1) it's irrelevant, 2) it's impossible, 3) it's not fun, and 4) it's not your Purpose!  No doi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's ok.  I just saw how sad I looked dancing, and it ALL made sense.  Thank you, technology.

A couple of weeks ago, I got to watch a very fancy lady dance with this guy whom I don't care for.  She just handled herself like she does with everyone, true to her Purpose.  I personally don't think it's necessarily sexy, but supposedly, she is the sexiest.  She is DEFINITELY the most skilled.  She just did her thing, let him do his thing (looked annoying and weird, to me), and then it was over.  I don't know if he gives her the creeps, too, or not, but it was inspiring, but with an undefinable aplomb.  Now, I know what it was.  She was being Authentic, and she wasn't trying to please anyone except Her Self.

Yes, DID is the teacher, and he provides information.  But IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE,  or anyone else, THINKS.  I am surprised this flew right past me, but oh, well.  I caught it.  Hooray, just in time to have fun at the showcase.

woke up with morals

Woke up with the morals to the stories in my head.  1.  Being sensitive is not a character defect.  Amy Hodges told me that about 10 years ago.  I am well equipped to guide Hank, who appears, at the age of 16 months, to be sensitive.  I don't want to project my STUFF on to him, but when he comes to me from a place of child-like excitement, (probable, during his childhood) I listen, support, etc...don't shut him down.  2.  Don't go to the hardware store for bread.  This one comes up a lot and is maybe a reminder I need to be going to the "other room"  (when I would do that, I have no idea, but...)  I have made lots of progress on this.  BUT, on one hand, I feel like a turtle, which is not very mature.  I'm just not gonna come out.  On the other hand, I can make informed decisions about with whom I am deeply authentic.  Is it possible to be authentic without showing one's entire hand to everyone?  Maybe not.  I guess I don't know exactly where the boundaries on this one are, but I do know not everyone is "safe."  It bugs me people I want to be safe are not.  That's just one of those things.  Can't always git what you want.  It's childlike to think or act like everyone IS safe.  Not reality.  3.  My experiences can benefit others.  I have seen that lots of times with the little kids and water/swimming/being scared.  There was a little girl at meet the coaches who was breaking all of our hearts.  Her parents weren't being mean, they were just being clueless.  She did NOT want to go in the deep water.  She didn't want to be on the swim team.  The mom got in with her with all her clothes on.  The dad was already in with her.  That was pretty humane, but the little girl was barely floating, vertically in the water, crying, and was not swimming.  All the coaches talked with her and her parents at different times during the whole thing.  My gift is with the little girl.  Jeanne was very good with the parents.  Don is good with both.  

Looks like we are not having bootcamp, again.  We preemptively cancelled last week for rain.  Now, it's raining, so I will send out an early-morning email.  I am sure Bob will assume he can sleep-in after seeing the lightening.  : )

I started new client a few weeks ago who has been very weepy each time I have seen her.  I felt very sympathetic towards her.  Although she had been through a LOT of physical and health stuff to which I could not relate, I had been where she was in terms of self-talk.  I am NOT the poster child for adaptive self-talk, but, again, I have made progress.  When you say, "this is my bad side," it is true no matter how founded in physical reality; it's your bad side.  You don't have to lie to yourself, but you can say something more adaptive to move towards progress.  "This side is very challenging."  Something along those lines.  

I am sensitive;  It's a character asset that is sometimes challenging.  How's that?

achilles heel

feeling so excited before my 2 hour dance lesson, then had a sad attack when DID was critical.  that is an issue I have had lots of therapy over, a dad button that dad did not intentionally or maliciously create, but nonetheless, a button - very excited in a child-like way, someone shuts it down, can't keep from crying.  I even said to myself or sort of out loud, "I'm fine; I'm a grown woman."  That voice, whosever it is, is not helpful to stop me from crying.  anyway, I am ready to quit dancing because I don't want to go to that place of vulnerability except in the privacy of my own home.  I am sure this too shall pass, but at the moment, I am very done.  it's more vulnerable than singing, definitely than songwriting, even though I am very frank in most songs, way more vulnerable than visual art.  I guess it's about equal to romance, which may be why it's so tenuous for me.  with BH, connecting was easy and without pain.  dancing is not easy, and there are lots of achilles heels vulnerable to being wounded.  anyway.  I'm being dramatic, but ugh, sad!

I am also very excited Bodie is coming over 3 afternoons this week 12-5.  we'll all get to see what it's like with 2 babies.  I don't think I am PG, though.  I wouldn't be so weepy if I were.

we are very happy for Tio Tim, getting married in September.  we had planned to go to MI this summer, but now we will go in the fall.  

lastly, I am very VERY excited BH is getting his foot in the door for nursing school.  Tio T said he "loved his job."  BH was incredulous that anyone could even not dislike his job.  I think he would love being a surgical nurse like Tio T.