beautiful version of Billie Jean

full lotus

excited I got into full lotus with both my right foot and my left foot on top. know what I mean? I don't know if I've ever been able to do that much less switch feet. I can't keep both ischial tuberosities on the ground with both sides, but I can on one side. exciting!

went to salsa class last night even though around 7 pm, I didn't want to go anymore. glad I went. (thank you to Nana for watching HH). except for stinking up the double r turn about 66% of the time, it was fun. had a fun "dance it out" at the end of class until the dude put his hand on my sacrum which seemed an awful lot like my butt. prior to that incident I had never been creeped out by that dude at all, so maybe it was an accident. maybe.

going to try to make myself go tonight even if at 6:30 pm I don't feel like it.

had to hold a flashlight while BH shoveled a dead cat away from our air conditioning unit out to the street. my part was hard! not really. I didn't have to smell it. ew. it appears our feline friend died from some natural cause. (not maimed or anything). never seen him or her before, though. poor kitty.

going to watch some NBC reruns, ride, and dance!

week flew

haven't had swim team for the first time in 6 weeks. this week has flown by. yesterday got to take HH to a private swim lesson in Westlake with Coach Don. HH did well, but about 75% of the kids in the classes were crying, and by proximity, I think, HH cried a little. he normally giggles or has his mouth wide open while we are in the water, so I do think it was the power of suggestion. fancy pool - 2 lane lap pool in someone's backyard. stopped by Lost Creek to see Coach Steve. had a nice visit. I do miss swimming there and the kids, but not the kids' bargaining with me (or trying to) and not getting in or getting out when told to. and I saw on some news about recent discoveries in fetal memory. of course, everyone says avoid stress while pregnant. most people wouldn't think coaching a kids' swim team would be stressful. for me it was!!! poor HH can blame his ADD on me [and those kids]!

hoping to get to go to salsa class this evening. hoping to get to go more regularly during the week during BH's break. still trying to start getting things ready for a yard sale. started the first few pages of Lady Chatterly's Lover last night. why have I waited 37 years to read this? so far, it's delightful.

wrote to John Cornyn, Kay Bailey, and oh, that bozo congressman I can't think of his name all of the sudden, to get rid of don't ask don't tell. my favorite recent headline was from the Onion. Congressional repeal of don't ask, don't tell: "don't tell, let us guess." haha.

always passes

it always occurs to me that the blues will never pass when I am in them, and they always do. BH and I had a pleasant weekend. he came home on Friday very playful and chipper. I am sure our playful and chipper versions of ourselves are our favorites. went to a wedding in Bertram on Saturday night. it was very nice. I ate bar b q, though, and that was unpleasant.

Sunday went to the classes I intended, but fell asleep with HH about 8 pm, I think.

no more CCC swim team until the fall, so this week will be a little more relaxing.

hope yours is, too.

facebook page

started a facebook fan page. oh, you already thought I was narcissistic. it couldn't get any worse.

there's some objective information presented here. sometimes.

Meredith Louise Miller on Facebook

feeling low

feeling sorry for myself and over-whelmed. if I were a good friend of mine I would say, Meredith, it's ok. you are not going to get it all done today. I hear that you feel lonesome and want more connection time with Brad. just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep doing unto others. marriage is challenging. that is why 50% of them end in divorce. if the gays could marry they could help our rate a little. you are doing the best you can, working 20 hours a week, trying to challenge yourself with dancing, and taking care of Hank. if you can help one person have a better experience on earth, that is a success. you are not going to have a perfectly clean house, a perfect sex life, a perfect balance. no one does. what my default brain says is, get over it, Jesus! that one doesn't work as well.

indoor pools Austin, TX

I noticed lots of people get hits on this site when they google "indoor pools in Austin." a couple of summers ago, I was lamenting I couldn't find a good one near enough to our house. here's a list of ones I know about: (I don't think any of these have a drop-in option, but I could be wrong).

YMCA Town Lake - I think people like it, but you have to be a member.

Texas Swim Center - awesome, but kind of pricey, bad parking, and not great hours.

24-Hour Fitness Hancock Center - I didn't care for it because people didn't shower before entering after exiting the sauna. theoretically, it would be fine, but it grossed me out. it's a small, 25 m pool (3 or 4 lanes)

Lifetime Fitness - don't know much about it, except it's way northwest. supposed to be neat.

Body Business - don't know much about it, except they use bromine, and some people are allergic.

Those are all I can think of. Lost Creek has early morning masters to avoid the sun. I LOVE swimming there, but it's not practical with the baby and Brad. Many City of Austin pools are free during the summer and have lap swimming beginning at 7 am. Stacy Pool is free and heated year-round and has lap swimming all the time, but it's pretty far south. Barton Springs opens at 5:30 am and is free for some of the morning and late evening.

Please leave me a comment if you have suggestions or more info.

bummed

BH won't try dancing. thought I might be able to get him to do Lindy, but no. of course, when we got married, I was a triathlete, and so was he, although he had stopped swimming. I don't ask much for recreational activities. I know he feels overwhelmed with work, etc. won't push it, just feel lonesome. at least Lindy isn't sexy, though. although I think it would be very good for BH and me to do a sexy dance together. it would have some meaning. kind of like having sex to procreate. is that TMI, world? forgive me.

going to a Lindy social dance Saturday night after we go to a wedding in Bertram. going to be a long day because CCC has their last meet, and I have to be there at 6 am. I have a lesson in the afternoon, then the wedding, then making myself leave the house to go dance! I don't teach on Sunday morning, just have a client at 11 am. think I can handle that. tonight, I get to go to salsa class and am going to try to stay for at least some of the shines class that starts at 9 pm! ouch. I have clients Friday morning from 5:30-11:30, then a lesson at noon. but then, nothing else. although getting a baby sitter is cutting into my lesson funds. I don't feel like leaving my child with someone for less than $15/hour. you are caring for my precious angel. $9 or $10 an hour means you could just watch tv.

we have 2 weeks off gymnastics due to the AJA school schedule. I hope he can jump right back in. he has really made a lot of progress since we started - socially and physically. yesterday he kept wanting to hang from the bars. he pointed several times to the high bar on the uneven parallel bars, but didn't want us to let go. he swung quite a bit from lower bars, however. he also loves doing assisted back flips/rolls from various equipment. he also likes to hand people things, so he tries to hand the other little kids beanie babies. it makes him look very generous, but I don't think we can go that far in the interpretation. he has warmed up to the head coach quite a bit. I feel bad for the other girls he is still shy towards them. he likes them, I tell them, he's just very cautious. and he still turns around and backs down off anything higher than 6 inches to get down. that is extremely cute.

OK, off to ride and watch so you think you can dance.

happy birthday, USA

enjoyed practicing my charleston and changing weight while changing feet while letting the hip roll around and back (for Latin). got to take a leisurely shower, too, as BH and HH are asleep.

world, in order to protect the innocent, I can't tell you exactly what thoughts are banging around in my brain. I will say, my mind is like a dark alley, don't go in there alone (that's stolen from double a). and I still have the propensity to become obsessed with people and things. at least not with places. hey, that's progress. I also am very influenced by what is in front of me, so out of sight out of mind is true for me. it's on a little bit of a delay, but it does work. I have and hope to continue to act like I want to act, although my brain keeps telling me something different. it does feel a little like angel vs demon, although, I don't believe in hell or the devil. but if the ism of alcoholism were a demon, it's the ism that is getting me at the moment.

loving learning lindy and charleston and east coast swing. it's not sexy, and it is fun. I am still loving the Latin dancing, but as I have mentioned before, sometimes it feels like a can of gasoline next to an open flame in a room full of pure oxygen. I wonder if I can enjoy that energy without doing something the angelic Meredith doesn't want to do. I am so black and white; this seems like an opportunity to learn how to hang out in the grey area. can She do it???

went to the Mexican American Cultural Center on Thursday for the 1st Thurs Pura Salsa Social. it was neat, but on this rare occasion, not enough boys. and it was HOT in there. Marion, the organizer was very friendly and introduced herself to me. I appreciated that. and I didn't have to dance with a couple of people that I don't care for dancing with. I did not get to dance with everyone I wanted to dance with, but did get some fun in.

this weekend Go Dance is not having classes or deja vu. I already miss it! next Thursday I am going to go to "the Fed," the Women's Federation for their swing night. next Saturday if I can stay up until 9:30 (unlikely), Go Dance is having a lindy/swing/some other unsexy dances social dance.

hoping to get a bunch of junk together to have a yard sale soon. I need to put prices on everything.

uh oh

Hank's first words with meaning - uh oh. He also says na na na when he wants to nurse or have a drink. And Mahmoud, but that is not related to anything, except that he think Ahmadinejad should step down. Wow, I think I might have spelled that correctly. Arabic is easy!

Have my 3rd lindy lesson this afternoon. Had a lesson with DID yesterday for the first time in a long time. It was pleasant. Challenging in terms of the movements. I turn 8 years old very often around him. I could feel it happening while it was happening. My speech changed, my posture changed. It's the innocence and exuberance of dancing, along with a couple of buttons he can push, but did not push yesterday. Didn't have to tell me to relax my arms. I don't know if he was just being nice, though. Going to the Mexican American Cultural Center tonight for salsa social dance. Have a baby sitter, already.

Enjoying an hour of free time between swim team and my lesson before HH comes back. It's awesome!!!! I mean, I love HH, but we do need breaks from one another. Just as it was adaptive to be with him 24 hours a day right after he was born, it's adaptive for us to take breaks sometimes. I won't be with him 24 hours a day for the rest of his life. We have babies so that they will become adults. It's hard to remember that. So far I feel confident he is going to become an awesome adult.

deciding to mourn

had a hard time figuring out how much to miss Michael Jackson. decided because he was not convicted of any crimes against children, and many children said he did nothing to them, he is innocent. I imagine, due to his own childhood trauma, he liked cuddling with kids as a way of healing himself. while not very kosher, is not sexual, and not harmful to kids. I love cuddling with Hank, and so does Brad, and we are relatively sane. I imagine some opportunistic parents were greedy and the ball started rolling once they pushed it. he did become a farce, I suppose, with all the plastic surgery, reclusiveness, and the baby over the balcony scene. I can't fault him for those things, either, really not having walked in his extreme fame shoes. I do see where money harmed him more than anything. his drug addiction following the pepsi commercial apparently haunted him until death. he apparently did not have anyone around him to tell him no or "force" him to get real help (through intervention/tough love-type thing). that is the most tragic thing about his life, to me. I heard a beautiful and melancholy version of Billy Jean on KUT on Texas Music Matters on Sunday. it was just a rhythm track and the lead vocal. it sounded like it was done in one take, but I don't know. it was pretty amazing. and, in retrospect, I gladly call him the king of pop purely due to his songwriting, well, and his dancing - both so universally appealing and enjoyed by a cross-cultural, cross-socioeconomic, and cross-racial population. that is pretty special. I am not sure the world needed another tour from him. apparently, he felt he still had something to prove. maybe the Universe was letting him know he didn't need to prove anything else. time to move on.

stayed out LATE

rememorized the first few lines of Hamlet's to be or not to be soliloquy and got in free to the Go Dance social dance. it was fun. not very well attended, at least not the salsa room, but still got in plenty of dancing. I felt pretty darn relaxed. sometimes I have out of body experiences while I am dancing and hear myself laugh. it's kind of neat. not thinking, just being delighted. DID was in a good humor and humored me by dancing a bachata with me, which I don't know how to do. and 2 salsas which were very fun. it was also neat to watch him salsa with DIB. he was busy. we are going to talk before my lesson next week and figure out how we will communicate with each other. dancing is a strange relationship - physical intimacy and very little emotional intimacy. I suppose for most men this is an ideal relationship. haha. but you XY's are not talkers, and you are sure not feelings talkers. am I wrong?

watched Milk yesterday and today. a great movie. James Franco is hot. I know, I should pay attention to the issues, which I did. it always surprises and disgusts me how we Americans have been so ignorant and oppressive. how did we ever go from fertility goddesses to straight, white, protestant men are in charge? what a terrible idea. I cannot comprehend the intolerance except to say I am intolerant of people who are intolerant. I did not know the history of San Francisco or the assassination of those men. and so disgusting that Dan White got manslaughter. manslaughter is not "accidentally" shooting someone in cold blood.

having a snack and crashing soon.

more lindy

had my second lindy lesson with DIT. DID was there, and it kind of felt like I was cheating on him. DYSfunctional. DIT asked me if DID had ever mentioned I am kind of stiff. hm. yes, he has mentioned that on occasion. it takes me about 45 minutes to warm up/relax. if it didn't mean I would start off all sweaty, I would go run a mile or so before my lesson. I think that would help. part of it is just physically warming up my joints and muscles, and part of it is letting go of anxiety and fear (that I am usually not aware of). I am much less afraid of DIT than DID. but I am determined to have a "normal" relationship with DID. lindy is lots of fun. it's very peppy. and it's NOT sexy. what a relief!

HH has been enjoying gymnastics. I have, too. I got to swing a little on the uneven parallel bars.

the other day I shot baskets in the gym for the 10 unexpected extra minutes I had. it was fun. I'm not very good, but it's a good aerobic workout if you run for the rebounds.

HH and I have been swimming most days. unfortunately, I think he would drink the water every time I let his mouth go under. only 3 dunks/session.

hopefully going to a social dance tomorrow night at Go Dance. we have a swim meet in the morning, so it depends on if I get to take a nap. fingers crossed.

feeling good

feeling good in general about things. had my lindy lesson on Sunday. it was super fun. and you get to wear tennis shoes. DID and I are cool, now, too, I think. I am going to start back in July.

HH is doing well swimming and in gymnastics class, making progress.

missing BH because he is so bizzy. Sunday, I scheduled some "alone time" for us after he had study time. he thought I meant alone time by ourselves. duh! no, BH, when have I ever scheduled time for us to be by ourselves? alone time as in US alone. I was very tired, though, so it kind of worked out.

saw a documentary - American Experience on Roberto Clemente recently. wow.

dancing pictures

Here are some pictures from the showcase
Raman Evazians is the photographer.

The top one is called the Titanic, the bottom one is called the hammerlock.

Sounds like Salsa dancing, huh?

I'm getting one put on a coffee mug and the other one put on a 11x17 poster.

NOT REALLY.

I bought 4x6's of all the race photos. Only $2 a piece. Much cheaper than Ironman photos. And no weird ones of me trying to get into a wet suit or covered in mud or algae.

stupidly early

Woke up so early, at some place in my sleep cycle that I wasn't sleepy and was hungry.  (HH)  Got up and ate some Newman O's and got sleepy about 30 minutes before I would have needed to get up.  Figured that would hurt too much to take a  30 minute nap.  Not PG.

Think I can come up with a song re: pain related to dancing.  Dancing is such an obvious, if not schmaltzy, metaphor for life.  I think I can make it work.

Took HH to gymnastics Monday.  He mostly had fun.  He was the youngest one there and, I think, a little overwhelmed by all the activity.  But, he did enjoy doing pullups and jumping on this mini-trampoline with a bar to hold onto.  I realized I still need to work on my post partum, lower abdominal strength, as jumping on the bubble bounce contraption made me pee a little bit.

I want a mini-trampoline for the house (gym) and a large mirror, in case anyone has one s/he is trying to get rid of.

If I already knew

how to fucking dance, I wouldn't need lessons or classes.

Sorry for the colorful language, but I am angry and hurt, and cheap.  Don't want to stop going to my unlimited June classes, but I am not getting what I need at my place, anymore.  For me, group exercise, group dance, private training, and private lessons are about building self-efficacy and skills, and mental and spiritual health.  If I already knew how to dance, I would not need to go to class or take lessons.  Yes, I have been learning how to follow for 8 months, but I am not perfect at it, yet!  I need a break from the hardware store when all I am looking for is a loaf of bread!!!

Taught a group exercise Latin dance class, myself today to a weight loss group.  It was FUN!  And we got sweaty, learned something, had some successes, some challenges.  I have been pretty disciplined about practicing by myself at home.  I can't remember that many patterns, though.  And it is kind of boring.  Anyway, thank you, world, for listening to me emotion-focused cope - vent....  I actually feel better.

Hank and I are going to gymnastics this afternoon. Woot!

same glee?

post showcase and post IM Boerne.

I do think I have a similar expression of glee.

but in the showcase one, I think I look strangely like Lisa Rinna.

and I don't care for her.

la tempestad

Brad was in Cedar Park at school when the tornado was around there.  He said they had to sit in the hall for an hour.  I had planned to go to salsa class, but decided to abort the mission when I saw the radar.  Good call!!!  Heard everyone is OK, too.

dance when no one is watching

World, for the record, "act as if" works whether you want it to or not.  It has worked for me adaptively, in sobriety, but now has seemed to work for me maladaptively.  Consequently, I am taking a little break from sexy arms, figure 8 hip motion, and wearing high heels outside the house.  Not entirely, but I am going to finish out my unlimited June group classes, then try an extremely unsexy dance - Lindy.  I have money saved for another batch of private lessons,  (proceeds from sale of goods) but I think I will hang on to it, or get laser hair removal.

Hank and I went to Don's mom and me water class yesterday afternoon.  It was fun.  He had fun except when Don helped hoist him up on the giant duck, but that was a very brief upset.  He's not crazy about getting his face wet, but he didn't get pissed off.

Enjoying the CCC team.  Sweet as ever.  A little afraid of what sweet Hank will become around 5 or 6 other boys.  It seems to only take one bad apple to steer the whole bunch into meanness or unnecessary competitiveness.  

Here's another good one: "Dance like no one is watching, unless Brad Pitt is watching."