Learned optimism

B and I were talking about teaching the kids to have confidence that there's nothing they can't do. He said he thinks I do that for them, but not for myself. I think it's that if I don't have self-efficacy for something, then I have little self-confidence that I might be able to do it if I tried. I have done many things I never thought I could do. But I guess at some point I decided I might be able to do it if I worked hard at it. Marathon, ironman, graduate school, childbirth, dancing. Those are the main ones. Today and yesterday I caulked the bathroom. I didn't think I could do that, but I read the directions, and it looks pretty good. The weird thing was I asked B if I should paint the exercise room and he just kind of looked at me then said you'd have to move everything. Then that was the end of the conversation. I'm not good at painting per se, but I think I could do an ok job if I were very diligent. I want the kids to believe they can do anything they really want to do. At the same time I want them to know if they try something and fail, it's ok to go in a different direction, or try again.

Hair

I asked H what he would do if a girl liked his hair it was looking so good. He agreed it looked pretty much perfect. He said he would tell her they should be friends first. Later he wondered what he would do if 2 girls were fighting over him. I said girls don't usually fight. Of course that is probably not true. I said it was important that if a girl liked him that he wasn't crazy about that he be nice to her anyway. He agreed to that. C was super excited to come to school today bc H was going to be his reading buddy. H read to C last night better than I have ever heard him read. It was so cute bc he was also sounding out some of the words for him. C didn't cry at drop off this morning which was good. I stayed w him in line in the gym then walked him into his room w Ms B. I have been on computer and sitting for last 3 days taking care of a lot of junk I had let pile up. I'm sore from sitting. I love my PT sessions on Wed morning. Fun and effective. We have a budget set and I entered it into a website today. Things seem to be looking up.

I love you

C tells me he loves me more than once a day. It's usually followed by tackling. Sometimes he says I love you so bad, and sometimes he says he loves me more than I love him. Impossible. H used to say I luf you a lot, but now I have to remind myself to say it to him out loud. I love him so much I forget he can't read my mind. 

Those balls

C asked me what color those balls are under his peeer. I gave him a mirror and let him check it out. He was satisfied. They both stay naked after we go swimming and nonchalantly do what I guess boys do while they're watching tv or the iPad or something. Yesterday H was crying I didn't get him an end of year present. I gave him a millennium falcon I had bought for him that I was going to sell I thought he didn't want and said that was an early end of year present for him and C. He doesn't remember that. Then he finally says he wants to give his half to C and he wants his own present. I told him there was no such thing as an end of year present. That no one else gets one. He is still upset about it. Today we went to Bartholomew Pool. It was super crowded. C can't tread water yet so I still worry about him some. I still don't want H to get very far out of my reach. I'm very paranoid about them getting in an accident or run over in the parking lot. I worry about that too much. H is obsessed w a game called fnaf. He makes me and B watch these videos and promises they will be so funny, and are more like a bad acid trip. We don't get it. But we watch and listen to him talk about it and try to laugh. We're going to beach for 3 days. I'm excited bc the kids are.  H jumps around the entire time he's watching tv or playing video games from the bosu to the trampoline to sofa. 

SWAT team

C bought a swat team uniform for himself today. He is wearing just the vest and the helmet at the park. It's about 90 degrees and very humid. This is the second time today I have gotten extremely sweaty as I went to Bootcamp for the first time at my friend's gym. I was the only one who couldn't do everything. I had to skip one of the ladder drills bc I thought I was going to throw up. 

SWAT team

C bought a swat team uniform for himself today. He is wearing just the vest and the helmet at the park. It's about 90 degrees and very humid. This is the second time today I have gotten extremely sweaty as I went to Bootcamp for the first time at my friend's gym. I was the only one who couldn't do everything. I had to skip one of the ladder drills bc I thought I was going to throw up. 

5/4

Was exercising and felt compelled to come eat lunch w them instead. C was crying because his teacher had taken away his stuffed monster truck bc he'd been throwing it. I had made a 3rd trip to school this morning bc I forgot to bring his cinco de mayo costume then he asked for his toy bc another boy had brought a toy for nap. C has been watching a show called Just Add Magic about some 7th grade girls. He likes to play airplane on the bed and dive down when I throw Rufus the dog at him. H is now obsessed w a game called Yugioh and a video game called 5 nights at Freddy's. He can't decide if he wants to stay in DL or not. I have mixed feelings, too but am leaning towards getting out of program. He needs to decide by Fri. They both like to swing outside when B gets home. They came to my dance lesson w me last weekend but were pretty rowdy and didn't ask to come again this week. DID and I are still working on waltz and a little WCS. I wonder if I'll ever tell him I don't like WCS just bc I am SO bad at it. I even went to the social on Sun night. I was very proud of myself for going despite being super nervous. I hadn't forgotten the other dances. Well I've forgotten a little of how to do salsa bc now I'm so used to stepping forward on 1. I have one more week of teaching the class at UT. I liked it when I was there but getting there was hard. I think I went too fast w the material. But other than that I think I did a good job. I am almost completely quit being a PT. I am sad about it bc I don't want to quit. I've been studying statistics but don't think I'll know everything I need to know before the end of May. Hopefully I'll find something I can work at home or has flexible hours. I don't want something that keeps me from being w kids. It makes me sick to think about it. I'm praying I can find something. 

Yesterday H said he wished I could be w him all day at school. C cried when I walked him to his room from lunch and didn't want to let me go. I took them both home at Hs lunch bc he said he wasn't feeling well bc he threw up the day before. I was pretty sure he was fine but wanted to spend the afternoon w them. I freak out about the day H doesn't want me to have lunch w him. Maybe that day will not come. Maybe?

Screen free day

Today is screen free Friday. It could also be called children's torture day they protect so much. I know that means they have way too much screen time. I like watching screens w them I guess bc that's how my parents and I spent time together. We didn't do much else together. Once I got old enough I went to park by myself or played w friends by myself. We didn't do family activities. I have a hard time thinking of creative ideas to do w them so we are just being together enjoying each other's company. I catch myself thinking if we can just get through this rather than enjoying being in it. I get really mad at myself about that. I also want to love them and be loving even when they are not doing what I want or doing something I don't want. I want to let them be upset then be able to move on. Whatever we're doing w them regarding that is not working very well. I try to mirror them and let them yell and be upset. This seems like the right direction, but it seems to take a long time for them to calm down. Maybe it's just the right amount of time. I don't know. I don't remember getting upset about things like they do. I was super sensitive like Hank and cried pretty easily, but I don't remember freaking out like they do. I wonder if they have a hard time calming down bc B and I never get very worked up about anything. So they don't have an example to follow. I just want them to be able to process negative emotions so they don't turn to external substances whatever they may be to fix it. I need to not try to control everything. 

Bday

Kids gave me 4 cases of topi Chico, 5 plants, and H gave me $18. He said anything he could do to help w the budget. He had heard B and I arguing about how much he works and my saying something about working on the budget. I'm guessing that's where that came from. Ate lunch w mom and dad and dinner w B. I was pleasantly shocked. Can't believe I'm 44. Seems old, but I feel pretty young. Except for being tired a lot. I suggested to B I go to work full time when H graduates HS and he can retire. He said he doesn't want to do what he's doing for that much longer. I don't know what we're going to do bc I can't handle not being w them when they get out of school. I don't want to work full-time to pay someone else to take care of them. I also don't want B to work more than 40 hours a week. He thinks that's impossible in his current profession. I hope this new job is different. I'm thinking of quitting PT so I can focus on work w the high school and trying to find part-time work in my field. That does make sense. I hadn't thought about PT not being a good job bc I can work while they're at school. But it is pretty much a dead end. And I spend a lot of time traveling back and forth to and from work. I'm hoping things will get better. I'm not sure they will even if I do get a job in my field. I'm going to try. 

My bday

H told me he wanted to get me something really special for my bday bc I always get him presents. He was browsing on Amazon and found a wooden poker table setting, some large golden earring shaped like flowers made from eggs, and the game Life ( bc he asked me what games I liked to play).  C said he was going to get me a pink dress. I told B he's responsible for anything they buy so I don't have to wear my pink dress and golden earrings in public. The other night H told me I was better than a calculator while I was helping him to a minecraft math coloring book. He hugged me after we did a line of problems. C had his poetry cafe this week. He didn't stand up or sing any of the songs they sang. H bemoaned his poetry cafe but recited 2 poems and seemed pleased w himself. Today is screen-free Friday which is very traumatic. I think I let them have way too much screen time. Mostly bc I can't think of creative ideas that are more fun than screens. Except on occasion we do a craft. Going to park and bouncy place are about the only things I can think of that trump a screen. And that's not really us doing something together. That's just me watching them play. Except C still doesn't want to go off by himself at bouncy place. I will be really sad the day he does go off by himself. H can find a friend easily when we go to park or bouncy place. C usually wants to play w H or hang w me. Today is Bs last day off before his new job. We had a good morning together then he ate lunch w kids. I'm taking C to vote after school and then to grocery before H and a friend come to our house. I think I've been first in line every day in Cs carpool line all year. I get here like 20 min early to make sure I'm first. Yesterday I sat w C in his line in the gym before school. Next year I don't think waiting outside his classroom is going to fly. But also I don't think his teacher will want to deal w him being teary if he doesn't want to line up. I'm trying to prep him for next year. He told me the other day he liked his old school. I feel a little bad taking him out of there bc we liked it, but I wanted to make sure he got in DL. He wants to learn other languages really badly. H not at all. I wish I were fluent in another language. I've lost a lot of French, and trying to learn Spanish it gets mixed up in my mind. 

Going to really try to go dancing on Sunday. It's been months. Last time I tried to go I was too afraid. I'm going to make myself go anyway bc I really don't believe I've forgotten the other dances. The best thing about waltz is we're not supposed to be staring at each other the whole time. It's a closer hold than I would expect and I wonder how anyone did it in giant dresses. 

2/13/16 at the park

H brought all of his minecraft weapons to share w anyone who will play w him. He and C have found a set of brothers 7&5. It impresses me how generous H is w his toys. He wanted to buy a $65 Halo structure today at Target and I talked him out of it only by telling him he'd have to get rid of some baby toys because we literally have no space for it. Last time I tried to get rid of some old plastic pieces and lame toys from Chuckie Cheese, he cried and said I was trying to take away his memories. I'm the same way to a degree, but I frequently bite the bullet and donate stuff I don't use. I don't really do it with him noticing bc he would try to convince me to keep it. We had a baby toy that they used to lie underneath and eventually hold on to stand up. When I tried to give that away about 6 months ago they both said they loved that thing and played w it all the time. I managed to sneak it out of the house without them noticing. C got a new airplane that's similar to playmobile toys. When he got it I got rid of the hand me down plane with missing pieces that didn't stay together. The other day C said he wanted to use his new plane as a police plane and the old one just regular. Fortunately he hasn't actually asked to play w the old one yet. I wonder what will happen when I tell him I gave it to a kid w no toys. H still cries every time he remembers the giant Bevo that he never played w that I gave to the Blue Santa parade. I even replaced the Bevo, but the new one isn't wearing a jersey like the old one was. Not good enough. I'm surprised he doesn't notice I don't keep all his artwork. I take a picture of it and recycle it 90% of the time. Some I hang in the house. Neither one of them will eat anything except carbs. I got C to eat sunflower butter and saltines in the hopes he'll bring it to lunch. He thinks it's peanut butter and his buddy eats that. 

H's bday

H's bday party was at Pump It Up. We had one bloody nose and one loosened tooth. Other than that it went pretty well. He was disappointed the guy he most wanted to spend time with was in a bouncy area he didn't want to go in. C brought a friend and finally tried some of the slides etc. H is obsessed w playing Halo 5. It's hard to compete. 

H check up

H is 51" tall. 45 lbs. 50-60%ile on height. Below weight chart. Still has to try a new food to get his allowance. Unfortunately he got $ for Christmas and bday so the urgency of getting $ is low. Doc said he has to take a flintstones vitamin. Getting his teeth sealed today. Going to bring cupcakes to his classroom bc I can't bring them to lunch. Eating weekly lunch w C today. H is playing his new Halo 5 game. I just heard him say no bien. Exitos!  I think it might be no bueno, but that is progress. He hated ballet folklorico bc it was in Spanish. Said it ruined his bday. C liked it. C liked riding the bus probably more than anything. Nana got him an enormous chocolate cake shaped like an 8. Of which he only ate the icing. I'm letting H skip school until I go up for Cs lunch. 

H's 8th

On Feb 2 at around 9 am we headed to the hospital and at 3 am the next day, H was born. I could never have imagined how much I could love another person. He is such an awesome kid. Sweet, sensitive, smart. I got him a Halo costume, a Jurassic World dilophasaurus lego, a plants versus zombies video game, some money, a pvz book, a tank, and Xbox gold. He opened his presents last night since I was gone this morning. His cake will have a mutant creeper and Blue the velociraptor. His party is Sunday at Pump It Up. C wanted a present for H's bday so I bought him a car he was wanting from CVS. He's really excited Nana is getting him a lawn mower from ToysRUs. 

Today I exercised, had my dance lesson (with my shirt on inside out), and studied the statistics I have forgotten from 9 years ago. It's coming back, but it shocks me that knowledge I had a command of has completely left my brain. I also have a really hard time remembering a dance routine. I think C wants to skip ballet bc he wants to get to Nana's to get his present for H's bday. I'm first in carpool line as usual. He likes for me to be first so I leave the house about 30 minutes before he gets out. Even though we live no more than 10 minutes away. Going to try to enjoy every second of the day. 

12/28/16

H took 100 paper airplanes to market days and sold 48. He wouldn't take all the fortune tellers we made bc he didn't want to write on all of them. I want to keep C home tomorrow w me bc he has a doc appt in morning, and I don't think he'll want to go anyway. I want to put H&C on Don Crowley's swim team this summer if C can swim 25 yds. Right now he can easily swim 10 yds. He's not side breathing yet, but they're working on it. Don asked me to coach, but I don't have anyone to watch them during the hour they aren't swimming. My hair is long, and I've been French braiding it everyday. I'm not nearly as good as A. I hope we get to go to MI this summer if B has enough vaca. We're playing w a samoyed dog one afternoon a week for a client. C is warming up to him, but not entirely. He's a very calm dog esp for a puppy. I really hope I get to go dancing Sun night. It's probably been 3 months since I've gotten to go. I don't think I've had to wear a jacket. C wants desert after every meal. I can barely get H to eat. They weigh about the same. Even though H is over 4 ft tall. Not sure if H will stay in dual lang for 3rd grade. We've heard bad things about 3rd grade teacher, and he's still not developed and interest in Spanish. I can't remember what I've already written and what I haven't. I'm probably repeating myself. Oh well. I have a hard time staying in the moment and not focusing on trying to get them to do something or trying to get them not to do something. And getting them from point A to point B and back again w all our stuff. I remind myself all the time just to take in every second. And soon they won't take forever getting in and out of the car. And someday they'll be waiting for me to get out of the car, and I'll hope they're patient w me. It doesn't matter if we show up late somewhere. It's really hard for me to be ok w that. My favorite thing in the world is to snug w them. 

12/27/16

C said his milk was bad. I said it wasn't bad. He said it's bad ass. Not good ass. H loves playing Minecraft and talking to himself while he plays. H is excited for market days tomorrow where the second grade sells stuff they made to the rest of the school. C is in his third semester of ballet. I really want him to stick with it long enough to like it and to stick with it after someone tells him it's for girls. He likes being around girls, so so far so good. I'm doing WCS and waltz in my lessons. I haven't been able to go to the socials because B has been working. But he is changing jobs so hopefully the new one will not require working on Sun night. H is taking a Minecraft Lego class after school one day a week. They both take swimming twice a week. Charlie just got moved up to level 3. I volunteer in H's classroom once a week to help with writing. There's a wide range of proficiency. H doesn't like the Spanish part of school even though his teacher is very good at presenting it. I don't know if he will continue next year as we have heard bad things about 3rd grade teacher. C is dying to learn Spanish and comes home speaking Spanish syllables pretending he's speaking Spanish. I'm trying to get a grant to study HS students at recovery HS. Other than that I'm still at the J. It's ok because the hours work with the kids. B wants me to work in my field so he can work part time. The thought of not being with the kids when they get out of school makes me sick. I don't think I could physically be away from them for that long. I also think they need me. In a different way than they need him. It's an argument we have. B also says I spend too much money but will not tell me what is the correct amount. 

12/22/16

Got to eat lunch with them today. C giggles and plays with his friends. He's glad I'm there. Today H was hiding in my scarf and puts my arm around him. It's really hard for me not to cry. It's getting a little easier because I go once a week. I get very little done on the day I go because I'm gone 2 hours and get home and have to pick up C 45 minutes later. Totally worth it of course. I'm so blessed and grateful I get to eat with them. Today after school we're going over to a client's house to play with her dog. They are both very excited. I wonder how they'll be with the dog. They've never really been around one. H is making 200 paper airplanes for market days at school which is when 2nd graders sell stuff to the rest of the school to make money for a class trip. We already made a lot of fortune tellers, but he didn't want to have to fill them all out. H got 3rd place in 2nd grade at the science fair. He was very excited, but also very excited his friend got 2nd place. There was talk of H sleeping over at a friend's house, but when it closer, he didn't really want to be gone overnight. They both still sleep in bed with us. They don't want to sleep by themselves, and I'm not sure I want them to either. I figure it will take care of itself. I hope so. 

Jan 20, 2016

H read by himself a Plants Vs Zombies book last night without any prompting. He usually says he hates to read and doesn't want to do it. C told me I looked pretty yesterday and H agreed. I was wearing a white Henley shirt that I think makes me look fat. H is playing Minecraft and Lego Jurassic World on the Xbox he got for Christmas from Nana. H finished his science fair project on permineralization with a little help from C. Every morning C doesn't want to go to school and asks me to eat lunch with him. Every day he tells me had had fun and often talks about playing with his friends. C takes a long time to get in the car. He doesn't want to line up in the gym and wait for his teacher. He wants me to wait with him outside his classroom. C likes a YouTube show called roadkill about fixing junky cars. They both drink a ton of chocolate milk and eat mostly simply carbohydrates. C loves chocolate and H likes mega icing Oreos. C likes to ride in the racecart at the grocery store. 

Oh and me, too

Still dancing and loving it. Did showcase in the. Summer. WCS w DID. I was so nervous I couldn't make myself smile. I worried about it so much, then when it was over, I was sad. Got to visit MI over Xmas. I love Brad's family. Kids loved sledding. I play hello kitty on my phone waiting for the kids. Still trying to lose 10 pounds. Laying off the Oreos and eating one meal of veggies and yogurt. Hope it starts working. Brad hates his job. I am working on some research and looking for a grant to fund it. I volunteer in H's classroom once a week. I did that in first grade also. I like to watch the Vampire Diaries and Suits while I exercise. I run on and off. I'm so slow now it really bums me out so it's sort of a vicious cycle o not doing it. That's all for now. 

Documentation

I haven't been writing stuff down the kids do because I'm busy watching them do it or playing with them. But I want to remember every single second with them. Here's some things that come to mind. When H was 5 he wore his Darth Vader costume to NW park, often on his bike. C still says mom, I love you out of the blue. Last night when I wanted H to stop watching the iPad and read he said he hated me and wished I was dead. H brings nerf guns to NW park now and makes new best friends every time. C talks in Spanish syllables pretending he's speaking Spanish. C still likes to play with vehicles. H even played with garbage trucks and dump trucks recently when C was playing with them. H loves minecraft watching people play on YouTube and playing himself. He went from watching Clone Wars music when he was 6 to dinosaur music. And now watches Halo music. H still likes it when I come to lunch although for the first time the other day, he played a little attention to a friend. C asks me to come to lunch every day. I come once a week. H does not like being in dual language. He loves science and science is in Spanish. He thinks he doesn't understand Spanish so he doesn't pay attention. H still snugs with me at night and wants me to read to him. Even last night after he was so angry at me. He doesn't like to read. C wants to read so badly. C takes ballet. H took a semester at Go Dance last spring but now says he already knows how to dance. They both take swim lessons at Tom's dive shop. C just moved up to level 3. H would watch the iPad or play Xbox all day if left unchecked. C just learned to ride a bike without training wheels about a month ago. H got a new gear bike about the same time. That's all I can think of today. I will remember more and remember to write more more frequently.